My guilt was starting to overwhelmed me. It was equalled by my ever-growing desire for Dudu. I couldn’t believe how conflicted I felt and it was killing me. I needed to talk to someone but at the same time I didn’t know what to say or even how to say it. I started to feel paranoid thinking that everyone could tell that I just slept with a woman almost as if it were stamped on my forehead for all to read judge and scrutinize.
It was noon and I sat in my favourite restaurant waiting for Loyiso to arrive. We had a ritual of meeting there once a week for coffee since it was where we did our first date. Just my luck – our day happened to fall on the day after I slept with Dudu and since I had never missed a day I couldn’t miss today of all days.
I never did fall asleep that morning after leaving Dudu and crawling into bed with Loyiso. I eventually just got up took a shower and left the house before Loyiso got up leaving him a note which said I had a few errands to run and I would see him at the café later on. I wasn’t ready to see Loyiso yet. I wasn’t ready to look into his face after I did the unthinkable: Slept with his best friend… A woman!
My head was pounding with confusion and excitement so I closed my eyes to grab a welcome little reprieve but that was quickly interrupted when my cell phone started to ring. I grabbed it before the entire song played out. I definitely need to change my ring tone.
“Hello” I said.
“Hey you.” Dudu’s voice sent an unexpected chill through my body.
“What are you up to?” Dudu inquired. “Waiting for Loyiso at the restaurant.”
“Oh.” Dudu was quiet; I’m sure the mere mention of Loyiso’s name had a totally different meaning now than it did before.
“So Tsholo I called to tell you that I had a really amazing time with you last night and well I can’t stop thinking about you.”
I quickly looked around making sure no one was in earshot. I hunched over as I dropped my voice down an octave to a whisper.
“I um I can’t stop thinking about you either” I said.
“I want to see you again Tsholo.”
I took a deep breath upon hearing this. I didn’t know how to digest it all.
Everything was going way too fast.
“What about Loyiso?” I asked.
“What about him?”
“What if he finds out?”
“I thought about that” Dudu replied “and I know we’re skating on thin ice here but Tsholo I don’t want to stop seeing you. Are you having second thoughts?”
I contemplated Dudu’s question and the crazy thing was that I never once had second thoughts. Guilty thoughts yes but it never crossed my mind to stop seeing her.
“Tsholo are you there?” Dudu asked
“Yeah I’m here. I’m just having a hard time with the guilt; that’s all” I said.
Then before I knew it I had an idea and before I could stop it it was shooting out of my mouth like a cannonball.
“Maybe we should tell him” I said.
“Are you crazy Tsholo? He would kill us!” Dudu exclaimed. “Listen Tsholo if we continue to see each other we have to promise that we will never ever tell Loyiso.”
“Yeah you’re right. I guess I thought if I got it off my chest I wouldn’t feel so guilty.”
“Yeah” Dudu said “but then you would have to deal with maybe breaking up your relationship and my friendship with him which in my opinion is way more devastating than a little guilt. Believe me it’s better this way. Besides Loyiso would never understand.” “No he wouldn’t” I agreed.
“Tsholo this should be our secret. No one has to know but us right?” Dudu added.
I looked up to see a middle-aged woman staring my way and wondered if she was eavesdropping in on my conversation. I shot her an evil look as I lowered my voice even more.
“So then we agree that we will never say anything to Loyiso” Dudu said.
“Yeah I promise.”
So there you have it; that was our agreement and our pact – that Loyiso would never find out at least not from either of us.
I hung up with Dudu and continued to wait for Loyiso. Twenty minutes later I got a text message from him that he had an emergency at the office and had to go in to take care of it. In the past I would have been annoyed to the tenth power but right then at that very moment I felt relieved. I wasn’t ready to face my boyfriend; I needed a little more time to think. I quickly texted him back “No problem” then took a deep breath as I closed my eyes again to finally grab that little bit of well-needed reprieve.