It’s easy to to judge one’s choices without the care to try and and understand their reasons. Life is not just black and white there’s so much grey. I’m not going to try and defend myself because at the end of the day one understands what he or she wants to understand but what I know is if you could walk a mile in my shoes you will understand. I can’t just pack and leave where will we go? I have nothing in my name nor own a qualification and beside Vusi would never let me leave just like that. Being a mother adds to the situation especially with a child like Mira who has disability. I can’t begin to imagine how my baby girl would survive out there in the street. It was hard already when we came to this side. It took some time for her to adapt to the new environment. How would she survive on the street? 

Life is cruel in the street I don’t want my daughter to get raped while I’m busy hustling for her. My husband may be many things but he’s not a rapist. I know that he would never hurt Mira especially in that manner. This is our home this is where my daughter feels free and comfortable to move around. All I want is to provide her with everything she wants to make her life easy and enjoyable make her feel comfortable with herself is it a sin to want what's best for my daughter? I know it’s not easy for her to understand and she thinks leaving is the best option but I know she won’t even survive a second out there. She was struggling to survive here how much more in the street. 

I understand where’s she’s coming from and the fear of losing me but for the first time he spoke about getting help. I have never seen him this broken. He hates himself for contributing in our baby’s death. Maybe I’m gullible but I do believe that he will change he needs help. Khumalo is a sweet loving man who just needs help. I found more than just a husband in him. I found a soulmate a friend a brother a father of my child and mine at the same time a living God. I fail to see him as a monster like one would say to an abusive man. I have faith that he will change for us and we will become that lovely family we once were. I would never forgive myself for not trying to help him at least let me try and see what happens. When you truly care for someone you don’t look for faults but you look for answers. You don’t look for mistakes but you fight them. I know my heart is my true guide and I live my life all by myself no one will step into my shoes and feel the way I feel or face what I’m going through. 

My body hurts but the pain I feel in my heart is beyond imagination. I feel like it’s ripped into million pieces. I was really looking forward to having a second born a boy especially since I have a girl. I’m sure Mira would have loved to have a baby brother but I won’t lie and say I wasn’t scared that I might go through the same pain I went through with Mira. They say everything happens for the reason but it doesn’t hurt less. Somehow I thought a baby might change him but looking at how broken he is maybe this was what we needed to save our marriage. 

I take a huge sigh as I watch her make her way to her bedroom crying. I’m happy that she’s safe and sound. I was so worried about her thinking maybe the unthinkable happened to her. I hate that we are constantly fighting lately. I can see that I’m losing her. I decide to make her favorite sandwich which is bread with butter and peanut butter. Once I’m done I put her plate in the tray and a glass of litchi juice which is also her favorite. Just as I’m about to go to her room my phone rings. It’s Nomathemba my friend we met through our husbands. They are best friends and we also became best friends.


“Hey darling how are you holding up” I’m taken by that I haven’t told her anything

“I’m fine and you”

“Come on Bonga you know you can never lie to me. Losing a baby must be hard for you. I’m really sorry sis I’m going to pass by later this afternoon okay” I sigh Vusi must have told her husband.

“I will be fine Noma but thanks. I will be waiting for you”

“Okay sweetheart I love you”

“I love you too” I hang up honestly I’m not looking forward to her visit. All I want right now is to cuddle with my daughter that will make me feel better. I take the tray and make my way to her bedroom. I push it open with my butt since I’m carrying a tray. I know she will not be please that I didn’t knock she can be cheeky at times. It is what teenagers do but Noma says I’m spoiling her too much and I need to be firm with her sometimes. Well it’s her opinion but I won’t beat up my child I have been through that. My father use to beat me up strong with a sjambok and that made me stubborn and rebellious. Do I somehow miss home? No I don’t but I miss my mother and my sisters. I wonder if they are fine wherever they are. Their glum faces are still platered on my mind

I have been through that. My father use to beat me up strong with a sjambok and that made me stubborn and rebellious. Do I somehow miss home? No I don’t but I miss my mother and my sisters. I wonder if they are fine wherever they are. Their glum faces are still platered on my mind the day dad chased me out of his house spitting venoms. 

I make my way in she’s not on her bed so she must be in the bathroom I can hear water running. I place the tray on the pedestal and make my way to the bathroom. I freeze for a moment and my heart stops beating. There’s water all over the floor

“Oh No Mira!!” I run to her and take her out of a bathtub. 

“Baby! No no no!” I place her down and turn her thead to the side allowing any water to drain from her mouth and nose. Oh God what I have I done! I pull her head back to the center and begin mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

“Mira wake up please” I cry as I try to breathe into the mouth while pinching her nose.

“Baby wake up please don’t do this to me” I scream in agony. 

“Bonga!” I hear my husband screaming my name oh thanks he is back. He makes his way and look at us in shock

“Fuck what happened!”

“I don’t know I found her…” I couldn’t finish I burst into tears. He kneels down and put his ear near her mouth then continue to do mouth to mouth resuscitation. She coughs and spills water out of her mouth. 

“Baby” I hold her for support 

“You scared me” Her eyes glistens with tears

“I did it for you mommy. I don’t want you to endure all this abuse because of me mom. I wanted you to be free from this pain” my heart sinks to my stomach and my tears fall on her beautiful face. I didn’t realize how deep this has affected her. I look at my husband guilt remorse and pain flashes across his eyes. 

“Let’s take her to the hospital to be sure she’s okay” His voice is breaking through every syllable coming out of his mouth. He gets up and scoops her up then walk out with her. I pack her pjs and everything she might need and follow behind him. 

I’m at the back seat with my miracle in my arms and my husband is driving like a maniac. They take her the moment we arrive. He pulls me in his arms and hugs me.

“I’m sorry I’m so so sorry.” I let out fresh new tears he holds me tightly shushing me until I’m calm. I pull back and he looks at me 

“I love you Bonga I love you so much and you know Mira is my daughter too. I hate myself that we almost lost our both children because of my animalistic behavior.” He laughs tears dropping down on his gorgeous face

“I’m just like him I’m a monster like him!!” He’s shaking uncontrollable

“No you are not Khumalo you are not like him”

“Don't do that Bonga please”

“I know you are not Mntungwa you are the sweetest man I've ever met. You just need to face your past and heal” it’s my turn to comforts him we sit on the couch and I cradle him like a baby as he let out heart wrenching sobs. 

“Shhh it’s okay we going to be fine” After a while he pulls back and looks at me with bloodshed red eyes. 

“I have decided that I’m going to move out of the house” my heart skips a beat

“What? You are leaving me?”

“No I’m not I just want you and our daughter to be comfortable while I work on fixing myself.”

“But you can still do that while you are with us Mntungwa”

“No it’s not a good idea sthandwa sami. I will come see you guys everyday. My first appointment with the psychologist is at 9am tomorrow. I would have loved if you could come with me but since Mira is here we’ll then some other time” I nod tears falling down my face I don’t trust him to deal with this alone. I want to be there for him but I think it’s for the best especially after what Mira did today. 

“I love you”

“I love you too”

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lerato lesiza 2019-01-31 15:00:27

when do we get to read the full version nice story please send us a complete book

Lungie 2019-01-30 22:24:03

Nice story Mazwane

Lungie 2019-01-30 22:24:03

Nice story Mazwane