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Ndoniyamanzi

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I know okay! I know hawu! I know I have been careless lately and I didn't need anyone to remind me that. Its unfair and painful to be the girl coz when you fall pregnant its your fault. All eyes are on you everybody is blaming you. Its his responsibility to use protection as much as its mine. One would say I'm egocentric because I want to terminate I might be carrying my brother's baby for crying out loud where is normality in that? Lethu and I have been together for almost two years and we have been playing safe since until this day I agreed to marry him. We allowed the moment to take control over everything. I have been focused until Nhlonipho came back to my life with him it was hard to resist. He debilitated my body and my mind I lost focus for two seconds boom nangu nana eswini sami. They say a baby is a blessing from God surely Mr God hate me mos coz he decided to bless me with my brother's baby. As much as I'm not ready to be a mother termination would have been the last thing if Lethu is not my brother. Demeaning as it is to not know who is the father of my baby it would have been better if between of the two one of them is not related to me. This baby is not a blessing but a disgrace all thanks to that woman that gave birth to me. I wonder when will I ever find peace in my life. Mishap after mishap drama after drama pain after pain every single day. 

"Hay hay when I left here you were not crying what did he do to you I will go solve him now!" Yelled Simi as she appeared. I chuckled she is such a drama a queen this one. I met her a month ago in some B&B. We clicked she also needed some space away from her parents. 

Me:"Nothing come and hold me please" she walked towards the bed and sat on the little space next to me. She engulfed me with a warm embraced. I couldn't contain myself I burst into tears. She let me be stroking my back and telling me that everything will be okay. I pulled back from the embrace and wiped my tears. "I'm pregnant"

Simi:"Holy shit!" she widened her eyes. 

Me:"I don't want this baby Nosimilo what if he/she is my brother's baby" I cried 

Simi:"I feel you hey so you want to terminate" I nodded "What did Nhlonipho said about this?"

Me:"He want me to keep the baby he says its his he can feel it. I can't work with that. I also don't want to kill my baby Nosimilo but I'm scared I don't want to give birth to a baby that have eight legs or six arms." 

Simi:"That's a myth my friend your baby will not be disable even if the father is your brother. The are many people who went through your situation and they gave birth to healthy beautiful babies."

Me:"Show me just one" 

She sighed "You see this baby is just a disgrace"

Simi:"Regardless of how he/she was conceived she/he is a blessing from God Ndoni. God love you and trusted you enough to bless you with this soul inside your tummy don't let him down please" 

Me:"He got a funny way of showing his love."

Simi:"He is testing you"

Me:"Kanti he will forever test me na? When will it end Im tired now. Can I have happiness for once in my life is that too much to ask? " 

Simi:"Oh babe I'm sorry but it shall pass you will see" We shared a warm embrace which was broken by her ringing phone. She took it out and rolled her eyes. "Can they leave me alone just for once "

Me:"Its your mom?"

Simi:"Yes"

Me:"I think you should let them know at least you are okay. I'm sure they must be worried about you"

Simi:"Look who is talking!"

Me:"Come on this is not the same. I needed some space away from them wena you don't need a space what you gotta do is to stop being dramatic and go back home. You are lucky you have parents who love you so much" Simi is just a dramatic spoilt girl and she doesn't realize how lucky she is to have her both parents. She dropped out at University for no reason. When I asked her why guess what did she say "Its boring" really? lo mtwana u-lack(a) vision and it will be very difficult for her to find it coz her father is spoiling her too much. I fear for her coz one slinyana day when her parents die she won't survive in this world. Umhlaba awufuni otayaya. 

Simi:"I love them too that is why I chose to give them a space. I don't want my parents to divorce because of me. Every time when they fight its always about me. No I can't have that "

Me:"Do you want me to be honest with you "

Simi:"Do you have to ask"

Me:"Take no offence but your father is misleading you. I understand that you are his only princess but he should not take your side when you are wrong he should reprimand you as his child just like your mom. Your mom love you enough to tell you when you are wrong but wena you think she love your twin brother only. Your mom's love for you is genuine! I'm not saying your father's love is fake but what I can say is that it's not strong enough. Your mom want all the best for you but you don't see it coz your daddy is spoiling you too much. " I was waiting for a harsh response on that one surprisingly she smiled

Simi:"Ncoo you will be a great mother yaz"

Me:"I wa...." I stopped mid sentence when I saw Ma Khoza and Mr Khoza walking in. Ma Khoza was already in tears 

Ma Khoza:"How could you do this to us huh? You want us to die?" she shouted

Me:"No Ma I'm sorry" 

Ma Khoza:"That was a very selfish move! You should have told us you are okay at least not just disappear nje! We were worried sick about you!"

Mr Khoza:"Come on darling she is okay stop shouting"

Ma Khoza:"Haisuka maan!" She pulled me in her arms and gave me a tight squeeze Mr Khoza joined us. 

Mr Khoza:"Don't do that again my child you scared us."

Me:"I'm sorry I didnt mean to" We all let go of each other

Simi:"Uhm let me go I will see you"

Me:"Okay"

Ma Khoza:"How are you feeling" She wiped her tears

Me:"I'm fine"

Ma Khoza:"We understand you are going through a lot my child you don't have to lie to us. Sindi told us everything"

Oh God so now Mr Khoza know I was dating. 

Mr Khoza:"We didn't brought you anything to eat we just wanted to see you and forgot about everything. Let me go and get you something quickly what do you want? "

Me:"No I'm fine Dad"

Ma Khoza:"Don't listen to her Khoza go"

Mr Khoza:"That's a reason why she wanted her space you are suffocating and fussing Delilah"

Ma Khoza:"Haw Vincent how can you say that " disappointed was written all over her face

Mr Khoza:"But its true." They both look at me

Ma Khoza:"Am I suffocating you Ndoni? "

Me:"Cha Ma" (No Ma)

Mr Khoza:"She is scared to tell you just give the child a break" 

Ma Khoza:" Oh Ok let me call Sind she want to talk you" She called her and gave me the phone. 

Sindi:"Is it really her Mama?"

Me:"Big sis"

Sindi:"Baby sis oh thank you lord you are fine!" she screamed in excitement

Me:"I'm fine big sis wena"

Sindi:"I'm happy you are okay I will come back tomorrow just to see you "

Me:"You don't have to Im fine "

Sindi:"Ah well I'm coming ke. I'm sorry about everything"

Me:"Its not your fault"

Sindi:"We will talk tomorrow I love you"

Me:"I love you too" I hung up and gave Ma her phone. 

We talked and laughed until visiting hours were over. They helped me to shift my mind from everything that was going on. They are my blessing from God not this baby. I wasn't going to tell them about the pregnancy. After they left I fall asleep.

Even in my sleep I will never mistake his lovely scent his soft hands were brushing my face. I opened my eyes and looked at him. His lips curved forming a smile. 

Nipho:"Did I wake you up?"

Me:"No" I cleared my throat

Nipho:"You want water?"

Me:"Yes please" He got up from the chair that was provided and fetched water for me. I sat up straight. "My hands are still working"

Nipho:"I didn't ask you" I let him helped me drink water. "You want some more?"

Me:"No thanks" He placed the glass on the little table and grasped by hands staring deep into my eyes. 

Nipho:"I'm sorry about what I said it was very wrong of me. I fully understand what you are going through. Please trust me when I say this is my baby. You don't have to panic I'm here for you and our little one" he kissed the backs of my hands. 

Me:"Nipho I won't take that risk I'm sorry about that. If you understand what I'm going through you'd let me go on with the termination"

Nipho:"At least think about it okay don't just take a rush decision. Think about everything before you do it. It will break my soul but I will be with you now and forever. "

Me:"I don't see myself changing Nhlonipho even if I can think for days." 

He sighed heavily I could see pain in his eyes but there was nothing I could do. 

Nipho:"My dad always tell me to never underestimate my guts. This one its mine baby I'm telling you.Your doctor said you are four weeks pregnant" He pulled away the blanket and lifted up my t-shirt exposing my flat tummy. "Hey little nigga tell your mom you are my son. Oh yes you are big boy." He said with a broken baby language and kissing my tummy in between. Ncoo that was so cute I found myself smiling. "You can feel the bond too. He is ours sthandwa sami he was conceived that day I cried" I giggled 

Me:"But then again you decided to leave me" 

His facial expression changed 

Nipho: "Will you ever forgive me for that? I hate myself for what I did I wish I could undo it. I'm really sorry Ndoniyamanzi" 

Me:"I forgave you the time you told me what was the reason behind that. So we are cool don't worry buti babe" He smiled

Nipho:"Thank you so much now I will even sleep at night"

Me:"You are exaggerating now"

Nipho:"Serious sthandwa sami. I brought you steers burgers and some yummy thingies are you down?" 

Me:"Yeah sure let me go wash my hands "

Nipho:"You don't want me to scoop you up?"

Me:"Nah" I rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom. I washed my face and my hands then went back. "Thank you"

Nipho:"Its my pleasure mtakwethu" I started eating. 

Me:"You bought two burgers "

Nipho:"Yes one for you and one for my little ntwana" 

Me:"Stop doing this please you will hurt yourself coz I'm not changing my mind. I'm terminating finish and klaar" He was putting too much pressure on me and I hated it. 

Nipho:"Even if he is your brother's baby he does not deserve to die Ndoniyamanzi! Please don't terminate"

"You are pregnant?" I looked up Oh God it was Cebolethu I wasn't ready to face him. I looked down. He walked towards me and hugged me. "Jesus I missed you so much I thought you are dead" He kissed my forehead "I borrowed Bab Mlangen's car when Sindi called and told me you are here. How are you? Did I heard right that you are pregnant" Tears glistened in my eyes I couldn't respond. "Hey baby no don't cry this is a sign that we are meant to be together. This baby is a sign " He smiled widely. Jehova!

Nipho:"Haibo khuzani!!" he exclaimed

Lethu:"Thanks for keeping her company dawg you can leave Im here now"

Nipho:"I will not go until the mother of my unborn child tell me otherwise" 

Oh Lord did he had to say that? Arg

Lethu:"What does that suppose to mean?" 

Nipho:"You can't be that stupid man..."

Me:"Shut the fuck up Nhlonipho!" 

Lethu:"What is going on Ndoniyamanzi?"

Me:"It doesn't matter anymore we are siblings"

Lethu:"I deserve to know the truth Ndoniyamanzi "

Me:"I'm pregnant and I don't know if this baby is yours or Nhlonipho's" 

Lethu:"You cheated on me? Wow! I trusted you with all my heart and this is..." He paused his hands were shaking. 

Me:"Ngiyaxolisa Cebolethu" (I'm sorry Cebolethu)

Lethu:"You are a whore just like your mother nx!" Those words cut deep but hey I deserved them. 

Nipho:"Don't you dare call her a whore!!" He grabbed him with his washing and lifted him up. 

Me:"Nhlonipho stop it maan!"

Lethu:"You going to hit me like you did before huh big guy" he said sarcastically

Me:"Let him go Nhlonipho!" He put him down. 

Lethu:"Nx!" he walked out

Nipho:"I'm so..."

Me:"What was that all about huh?"

Nipho:"He called you a whore I couldn't... "

Me:"And that give you a right to lay your filthy hands on him. I swear Nhlonipho if you dare hit my brother again I will fuck you up so bad and you won't believe it!" 

Nipho:"Bab..."

Me:"Awuthule angikaqedi!" (shut up I'm not finish !)

He huffed "Did you had to say "mother of my unborn child" I wanted to tell him myself dammit and now he will never forgive me. I lost a brother now because of your stupid jealousness! Buphi ubudoda kulento oyenzile! You are 28 years old for crying out loud! When you are around I can't think straight and that cost me a lot! My life is a mess when you are around. I was on a wheelchair for 4 months because of you! I might never have a good relationship with my brother because of you! I can't take it anymore I want you out of my life!!"

His eyes sparkled with tears. 

Nipho:"I didn't know Im such a pain in your life. Thank you for letting me know. My mistake was falling in love with you. It going to be the hardest thing ever to erase you in my heart but I have to try. I don't want you to be in pain because of me. Im really sorry for bringing misery in your life. I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me. Take care of yourself." He kissed my forehead and walked out. I couldn't hold my tears I cried my lungs out. Everything was too much for me I wish I could borrow someone my problems even just for a day.


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