I thought mom said he’s giving us space to breathe while he fixes himself but he sounds angry and I can’t help but fear for our lives. Khumalo has this deep voice and it’s scary when he’s yelling and angry its the kind of voice that can make you pee on yourself.
“Bonga!!” I hold my mom as we are seated on the bed together.
“I’m here!” Mom shouts back I can hear that she’s trying to be calm but her voice is not convincing enough that's what fear does to you. She stands up.
“Khumalo” the atmosphere become tense and horrific
“Where is he huh!!!”
“Who?” Mom asks trying to be calm as she possibly can but her tremulous voice is betraying her.
“The bastard that you are fucking!!”
“What? I can’t believe you would think of that Khumalo out of all things.”
“Hey hey don’t you dare make me your fool! You thought I won’t found out huh where is he!!!! wheeee are you hiding him?? asshole come out face me like a man and stop hiding!!! I’m not sure what he’s doing but I can hear banging sounds.
“Jesus Vusi there’s no one here. I don’t know what you are thinking but it’s only Mira and I here. We just wanted to spend a night away from home and work on our relationship that’s all. I’m not cheating on you I will never do that. I love you so much to do that to you” mom says trying to defend herself but Khumalo is convinced that mom is cheating. Even if she was cheating she would have never brought me here with her why can’t this man think about that.
“You are lying to me Bonga!”
“I swea...ouch you are hurting me Khumalo” she screams in agony and I’m sitting on the bed wondering what is he doing to her. It’s a blessing that I can’t see because I wouldn’t bear to watch him hurting my mom but at the same it’s a curse because maybe I would help her. Two can fight better then one.
“Uyafeba Bonga huh!!”
“I’m not even if I was how I would have done that with Mira here please Vusimuzi” she’s crying now. I don’t want to involve myself just like mom said but I’m failing to do that. Her sobs are slicing my heart into tiny little pieces.
“She’s telling the truth daddy I swear” I say with a teary in voice.
“You shut the hell up!!!!” I don’t know when but everything happens so fast and for a moment I lost my mind. An excruciating pain that hit right into my stomach as I’m lying down on the floor brings me back to earth. I’m still trying to recover from that pain another one follows right through my chest and I stop breathing. I can hear my mom’s voice screaming in agony from a distance
“Vusimuzi please she’s just a child she didn’t do anything please stop it!!” I see my life ending.
“Vusi please I’m begging you!!”
“Mira baby!” I don’t have energy to utter a word.
“We are going home now!!”
“We have to take her to the hospital!!” cries my mom as she cradles me like a baby in her arms.
“I said we are going home get up and let’s go!!”
“Mira can you hear me?”
“Yes I can hear you mom” I cry
“Try to get up baby okay” I nod she helps me up.
We are now in the car driving home I’m pressed against mom’s bosom as I sob silently. I feel warm liquid falling on my forehead I just knew she’s crying and that breaks my heart even more.
Once we arrive at home she gives me pills for pain then tuck me in.
“I’m so sorry sweetheart” I say nothing and cry not that I have something to say. I’m in so much pain right now but nothing beats the one shredding my heart into pieces.
“I’m coming!!” She kisses my forehead and makes her way out. If this is what she meant by saying she got this and I should trust her then I have to steel myself because there’s more coming. My heart skips a beat as I hear her screaming and I just knew today it’s the end of her but the more audible her screams becomes I feel every little part of me dying. How nice he’s getting a vagina as a reward for beating me up. I don’t know where my phone is I would be listening to music instead.
I can feel his presence and the smell of his cologne pervaded the air. Fear wraps around me and my heart beat rapidly. I let out a small pee I want to scream for mom but I know it’s useless because she’s scared of him as much as me.
“Mo..mo.. morning” my voice is hoarse from all the crying I did last night
“Hey don’t be scared I won’t hurt you” I feel his hands touching me and flinch.
“Look Mira I’m sorry Okay… Daddy is sorry sweetheart. I don’t know what came over me ngiyaxolisa” (I’m sorry) He sounds sincere but he won’t fool me I’m not mom. I’m sure this is what he has been saying for two years but kept doing the same thing over and over again. It’s only a matter of time before he beat her to death or beat us to death. I got to prepare myself for one of the two because one will definitely come true.
“It’s okay” I say with a shivering voice
“I’m really sorry sweetheart I wish I can undo everything I did last night. Daddy is going through some stuff baby but I promise you I will fix myself for you and your mother. We will be back to that happy family we were” I doubt we will ever be happy again. You broke us beyond repairs. Gone are those good times we used to spend together. I remember how he used to take me to the park and we would have fun together just the two of us. How can I forget my birthdays as much as it was frustrating but it was also lovely to travel around. We spent my last birthday in Cape Town and this year he said we are going overseas but it’s clear that won’t happen it’s either I wound be dead or I will be mourning for my mom while enduring his fists and kicks.
“I hear you and I understand”
“Do you forgive daddy?”
“Thank you so much my child...breakfast is ready please join us” I nod he then gets up and makes his way out. I take muffin and make my way to the bathroom to freshen up then join them for breakfast.
“‘Morning baby!” She attacks me with a hug and I scream as she hurts me
“Oh I’m sorry I’m really sorry sit down I dished up for you” I sit down and eat my food while listening to mom and dad forcing a nice conversation and giggles. The tension and somberness is permeating in the room. Once I’m done with my food I ask for my phone and mom gives it to me then I make my way to my bedroom. I curl myself into a ball and listen to music as tears make their way out. I have never imagined that my life would turn out like this within a blink of an eye. It’s a while later when I feel the bed sinking as its accommodates someone.
“Baby” She wraps her arms around me
“I’m sorry my miracle” she whispers in my ear
“Don’t be you know what you are doing. This is you doing your job as a mother and me as a child not questioning your decisions nor your actions.”
“Oh Mira I know I’m failing you. I know baby and I…” she pause and I hear her swallowing spit loudly
“It’s okay mom really” my phone rings. I wipe my tears and answer it.
“Dollface” it’s funny how my heart still melts no matter how mad I am at him
“Are you crying your voice is hoarse” his voice is filled with concern
“No I have flue”
” I want to say I’m sorry Dollface”
“Do you even know what you've done or you are just apologizing”
“Of course I know”
“Come outside I will tell you face to face”
“Okay I’m coming“ I hang up
“Mom Lwandlelwenkosi is outside the gate can I go to him”
“You can’t go out with that blue mark on your face” I huff
“Let me hide it with a make up first” She gets up and disappears then she comes back to hide the blue mark on my face. When she’s done I make my way out and meet Lwenkosi outside his car.
“Thank you so much for coming out” He squeezes me in his arms and I scream. He lets go of me as if I’m burning him
“You hold me too tight” I lie
“I’m sorry come get in the car”He closes the door and enters in on his side. The drive is awkwardly silence my mind is so far away absolutely not here.
“What’s wrong you don’t seem okay?”
“I’m sorry Mira for shouting at you”
“Not only did you shout at me you were insensitive Lwandlelwenkosi. You don’t go around making such insensitive comments about a sensitive topic like suicide. Calling people selfish and what not is wrong. You don’t know what they are going through before they decide to take their lives. Taking a decision to end your life is the hardest decision ever. Just because you think you can never find yourself in a situation where you feel like taking your life doesn’t mean you should judge other people calling them names. This is why people will keep suffering from anxiety and depression because there are people like you who judge ones choices harshly instead of making that person realize that it’s not the end of the world and giving them hope. When they share their problems nithi bafuna ukubukwa when they keep quiet and die inside until they can’t take it anymore nithi ba selfish. Let’s talk about rape victims especially those who committed suicide do you think they wanted to take their lives? Of course not but they couldn’t take the pain until they gave in. People suffer in front of us and we don’t see because we are too busy judging them and the moment we hear that they've committed suicide we say they’re selfish? What about us ain’t we selfish for watching them suffer infront us and turn a blind eye? Ain’t we selfish for judging them when they actually need us to be there for them? We can never understand one’s decisions until we walk a mile in their shoes. I know now I’m going deep we were talking about me not other people but I was just trying to make you realize that you could have used better words and tone. Umuntu kwamele umakhe ay umcindezele ngamagama akho. Angalli you have a right to have your own opinion but be careful that your opinion doesn’t destroy choose your words especially about sensitive topics like suicide rape poverty hiv & aids etc.”
“Wow I have never thought about it that way but now that you just told me I realize that we people tend to judge a lot instead of putting ourselves in that certain position. I’m sorry that I was insensitive and yelling please forgive me. I’m glad you do realize that was not a wise decision you took”
“Yeah mom told me in a way that made me come to a realization and I have decided to let her deal with dad the way that she wants to. I’m not going to interfere anymore she knows what she’s doing so the deal is off”
“What no! You can’t do that Mira”
“Your mom needs your help she is obviously scared of your father you and I will help her out”
“Mom seems like she’s enjoying this pain Lwandlelwenkosi”
“Exactly who enjoys pain? She needs help psychologically”
“There’s nothing we can do trust me okay just let this go”
“So you going to watch her suffer just like that?”
“What choice do I have Lwandlelwenkosi? We are stuck with that man and there’s nothing we can do about it”
“Nonsense the information that we have on him can help all we need is a plan nje”
“What if he catches us he will kill us Lwandlelwenkosi. That man is dangerous” I swallow a lump in my throat preventing tears from coming out.
“I know trust me I know. That's why we have to take him down he won’t see this one coming. All I want from you is to play daddy’s princess so that he doesn’t notice we are onto him” I shake my head no my tears involuntarily falling down my face.
“Hey Dollface let me pull over” He pulls over and comes to my side to comforts me
“hey please don’t cry and let me help you” I shake my head
“Why I don’t understand Mira you were so keen about this now you are letting it go. What happened?”
“Nothing I have just realized that if we do it my mom won’t like that. She loves him okay” He wipes my tears
“I never thought of you as someone who wear make up… wait no no no” He wipes my cheekbone “Mira is that a blue mark?” I couldn’t utter a word but burst into tears
“He hit you didn’t he? Fuckkk!!” He yells making me to jump a bit
“I’m sorry oh Dollface I’m sorry come here” I snuggle on his chest letting it all out
“You see this is the reason why we have to get lenja! Shhh it’s going to be okay” He shush me until I’m calm down
“Where else did he hit you entleck what happened” I tell him what happened.
“That bastard! Askies my Dollface let me see” He pulls back and lift up my t-shirt
“I’m sorry okay” He plant kisses on my tummy
“My chest but I ain’t showing you because I didn’t wear a bra”
“But I don’t mind” I chuckle
“I do mind”
“Well then if you say so...did you eat?”
“I know what can cheer you up” He closes the door and go to his side. We drive talking generally. We arrive to our unknown destination unknown to me that is. We take the elevator
“Where are you taking me to?”
“Come we are here” He holds my hand and we enter some room not sure what room this is but I trust him. He greets some guy and they sound like they know each other. He then introduces me to him. Xola is his name.
“Hey Mira” says the guy
“Look I know that you are working but can you give me and my girl just few minutes to use the studio”
“Sure sure man no problem”
“Come baby” Okay I’m baby now
“We are in the studio and I know that you love singing and it will cheer you up.”
“We are in a studio like for real?”
“Yeah sing me a chorus ”
“if you promise me to sing a chorus for me too”
He put headset on my head
“The mic is infront of you… ready”
“1.2.3 go” I sing Jessie J Flashlight. I feel like it’s a right song to sing because it explains how I feel at the moment and when I’m with Lwenkosi I feel whole different. I'm in this darkness but he’s my flashlight. I feel like I got everything I need when I got him and and when I look around I see a sweet life. Gosh does that even make sense? I mean I hardly know this guy! When I’m done he claps his hands and hugs me
“No I can’t compete with that you have such an angelic voice”
“I try” I blush
“Look at her she’s blushing” I giggle
“It’s your turn now”
“I wanted you to sing I don’t how to sing”
“That’s unfair” I pout my lips
“How can I say no to that cuteness” He takes the headset and I move away a bit. He starts singing Shy by Jai Waetford.
“Everytime you walk into the room
Got me feeling crazy
Shock my heart boom boom
Any other boy would stare
But me I look away
'Cause you making me scared
Tryin' not to breathe 1 2 3
Tryin' not to freak when you look at me
Gotta make a move but I freeze
You don't have a clue what you do to me
Girl you make me shy shy shy
You make me run and hide hide hide
Feel like I get lost in time
Whenever you near me
Girl you make me shy shy shy
I'm fightin' butterfli-fli-flies
Yeah you make me lose my mind
Whenever you near me
Girl you make me shy
Oh” oh man he got theee voice I’m smiling like a retard
“Wow I never expected that from you Mr Nkosi”
“I know hey” He pulls me close to him with my waist. I can feel his warm breath caressing my face and his heavenly scent is making me dizzy in a good way. I don’t know if there’s such a thing
“Wena nokuba shy? Come on” He laughs
“You make me shy and when I’m shy I try to be brave and become rude.” He confesses
“Yeah you are behind my rudeness yaz” I giggle.
I feel his other hand snaking behind my neck and his warm lips caressing against mine. My heart is beating loudly. I feel like It will come out of my mouth. Our lips collide he sandwiches my lower lip sucking it gently and slip his tounge in my mouth slowly and gently massaging it with my tounge. I feel an electric spark shooting all over my body and butterflies dancing in my tummy. He breaks the kiss and chuckles
“You have the sweetest lips I ever tasted in my life” I blush
“Can I kiss you again but this time you will follow me” I nod I have somehow lost my voice. He presses his lips on mine and captures them in his. I follow his lead just like he said and we kiss slowly and deeply my hand automatically drops muffin and hold him close to me. I hear him moaning softly.
“Wow fast learner ain’t we” I giggle
“You’re beautiful Dollface”
“Thank you Cuddle Cakes”
“Muffin did you hear that? You are no longer her only cake I have also qualified to be her cake too yippee yipeee“ I giggle. We bid farewell to Xola and thank him then we leave. We spend the whole day together cruising around Durban and singing along music. Our destination is the beach. We stroll by the beach hand in hand talking and laughing. Sweet life I tell you I forgot about anything going on in my life and enjoy with my cuddles cakes. Late he drives me home
“I will call you yezwa”
“Okay travel safe”
“I will my Dollface kiss your cuddle cakes before you go” He pulls me closer and we share a kiss that leaves me gasping and wanting more
“Bye” I get out of the car and make my way in. I hear an unfamiliar voice of a man talking in the lounge
“I can’t believe you yaz!”
“Ungazongidakelwa wena you said I must get rid of it right? I got rid of it now deal with that!!”
“You are a devil ”
“Takes one to know one! Get out of my house before my husband comes here and deal with you!!” I make my way in
”Ba..baby you are back”
“Is this your daughter” asks the man
“Ey wena you are still here go!!”
“Child how old are you?”
“I’m turning 1….”
“That’s none of your business leave Skhalo hawu!!!”
Bye!!!” Says the man
“Who was that?”
”No one important”
“Okay I’m going to get some sleep”
“I thought you are going to share with me how your day with the rude boy was”
“I’m tired some other time” As I make my way to the bedroom she calls me
“I love you”
“I love you too mom” I walk to my bedroom and crawl on my bed. Who is that man and why was he asking my age? Mom got rid of what? Is she really cheating on dad? Sigh! I shift my mind to the good day I had with cuddle cakes and forget about everything as a smile tugs the corners of my mouth.