I feel angry tears tickling in the corners of my eyes. I swear I’m going to burst due to this boiling anger within me. I've been trying believe me I’m really trying to understand but I can’t fathom out how love gets associated with abuse and pain or maybe I'm stupid and naive after all she did say I’m young. It’s been a week now and every single day I feel like life is sucking out all the strength and energy within me to help my mom out of this hell hole. The more I think of the subtle ways it’s the more my mind becomes blank. It’s times like this I wish I have sight maybe just maybe it would’ve been better.
“Stop fighting with my dishes!” I pretend like I didn’t hear her and continue to take all my anger into these dishes.
“Mira Mthimkhulu!!!” something pierce in my finger and I scream in agony.
“I told you to stop it but you don’t want to listen! Let me see!” She makes me sit down on the chair
“Don’t move I'm going to fetch the first aid kit” I clear a lump clogging in my throat and reply
“Eh Mama” My thumb is throbbing whatever that impaled me must’ve been very sharp. She comes back and attends my thumb.
“You broke a glass and cut your thumb. I’m going to apply antiseptic it's going to stings a bit” Hell it did.
”Now I’m going to wrap a plasterer around your thumb. You need to be careful Mira you could have hurt yourself badly”
“Still it would have hurt better than knowing that monster is treating you like his punching bag”
“Jesus Mira how can you say that” The shock is evident in her voice but I’m not changing my statement to make her feel better. I’m done nursing her feelings because clearly she doesn’t care about mine.
“It’s true Mama. You have no idea how broken I am inside. I wish you can open your eyes and see that he’s abusing you. What kind of love is this? Why can’t you see that he doesn’t deserve you.” I say raising my voice a bit
“Mira mtanami how many times are we going to talk about this huh? Stop it okay”
“I don’t know how you do it but I can’t okay? I can’t pretend like I’m okay. Knowing that he beats you and there's absolutely nothing I can do to help you kills my soul!” I bite my lip hard preventing it from shivering as tears fall down my cheeks . I hear her releasing a huge sigh
“Come let’s go to the lounge” I get up from the chair and she links her arms with mine to guide me to the lounge. When we get there we sit down.
“Look my baby there are things you wouldn’t understand as you are young. I need you to stop stressing and trust me my miracle”
“He’s going to kill you mommy I don’t want to lose you please let’s leave him”
“And go where Mira huh?” I can’t miss a hint of annoyance in her voice
“In our home at Newcastle”
“I sold that house” No she didn’t!
“When? Why haven't you told me?”
“I don’t report to you Mira you are a child you need to know your place and that house was mine. Even if it was still available how would we have survived huh? I’m unemployed Mira and life is very slow and difficult at Newcastle. This is our home and that man is my husband your father. He loves us he just going through so much stuff that I can’t share with you because you are young. He is taking care of us you eat fancy food you wear expensive clothes you have your own room that has a bathroom specifically equipped for you you have a computer you have an iPhone you have a chauffeur you just matriculated and he has money for you to further your studies. This man does alot for us Mira why can’t you be grateful for what you have because without that man you wouldn’t be close to living like a normal teenage!” That hit hard but it’s the truth if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be living like a normal teenage. He does everything for me. I must add that he made my life more easy and enjoyable. When I came here I started seeing my life in a positive way and I learned to embrace it. I stopped with self pity and questioning God and live with no regret but is all of that worth my mom’s life? Definitely not! I should have died for real she wouldn’t have to suffer like this. If I were to choose I’d choose her over me anytime. I can’t stop my tears from falling. I’m deeply hurt and what pains the most is that there’s nothing I can do to change our situation. I don’t want to lose my mom I’m not ready and I will never be ready but the tricky part here is that I can take a risk and ask for help dad could find out and kill her or I should just pretend as if everything is okay and wait for the day he beat her up to death.
“Hush now my miracle” She’s stroking her hand on my back as I let it all out.
It’s the next day I’m going out with my friend Gugu. Going to the mall or any crowded place is exhausting for me. Too many people roaming around and some bumping on my muffin maybe if I had a guide dog it would have been better but I think I could do with fresh air. Just be away from this soulless home for few hours and spend time with my crazy bitch. I just finished dressing up in a short floral dress with sandals. I’m a girl who likes shopping dressing up and smelling good. Regardless of the fact that I’m totally blind I do have my styles and my favorite colors. My favorite colors are yellow and black. I love wearing any clothing above my knees or shorter than that because my mom and Gugu says I have long sexy legs. I know those two would never make a fool of me. When I do shopping they accompany me and give me the descriptions of fashion trends and everything to help me form a sense of fashion that works for me. An image of a person is very important and it hard to measure myself up with other people when I can’t see what they are wearing and that makes me wonder if my sense of fashion fit in the society but I got my mom and Gugu as my mirrors. I take my duffle bag and my phone then head out I’m welcomed by the smell of biscuits Mom is baking.
“Mom I’m leaving”
“At last Sox have been waiting for too long now”
“Malume Sox understand that a girl gotta take her time”
“Yeah whatever have fun sweetheart” She kisses my forehead
“Can I have one please”
“Ay Mira I’m not finished” I giggle and find my way out. Malume Sox is my chauffeur.
“Wuuu mtwana uyababa uwupelele!” (Wuuu babe you are hot like chilies) I giggle Malume Sox never misses a day without complimenting me sometimes I think he’s exaggerating.
“Ahhh wena Mira Mira on the wall the prettiest of them all uyathanda ukunghleka mangikhuluma nawe” (you like to laugh at me when I’m talking to you)
“Askies Malume take no offense it’s just that uyanchaza” I do like him he’s funny and witty an uncle I never had. Actually the word I should be using is brother because he’s 25 years old 7 years older then me but I prefer malume and don’t ask me why because I don’t know.
“Ohh ain’t you a sweet thing give uncle some sugar” We share a hug the I get inside of the car and second later he gets in too.
“So where to mtwana”
“We going to start at Gugu’s place malume and pick her up.”
“Okay awusho wenziwa yini umngani wakho aphaphe so” (Tell me why your friend is so forward) I laugh. The car starts moving.
“She has a bubbly personality by nature Malume”
“Ay Mira uqalile ngalamagama akho esilungu amakhulu” (Ay Mira you have started with your bombastic words)I giggle I don’t recall any bombastic word in my sentence you see I told you he likes to exaggerate.
“Uzalwe enje malume” (she was born like this uncle)
“Ay uyaphapha maan!” He whistles causing me to giggle
“Ey uncle that my friend”
“Askies mtwana” Gugu stays five houses before mine. We pick her up the moment she gets in she screams and hugs me.
“Bitch how are you!”
“Can’t you talk without swearing like any other girls and stop screaming maphapheni” malume says and I laugh
“Yaz wena Sox kade ngakubona ukuthi uyangifuna you are not my type shame” (You know Sox I always knew you want me) Gugu replies to malume Sox who burst into laughter
“Wuuu my girl even if you were last girl on earth I wouldn’t date you”
“Oh please you know deep down you want me. Sewkhathele ilabo mahosha obathengayo phela wena ushimile ismame uyasisaba” (You are tired of prostitutes and you are scared of women) These two are always like this and I'm always laughing when I’m with them until my tummy hurts.
“You know better because you are one of them. Tell me where am I taking you two and shut your big mouth”
“The very same mouth you are dying to kiss hahaha. Take us to pavilion mall” In seconds the car starts moving.
“Chomee I was asking how are you before I was rudely interrupted”
“I’m okay darling how are you”
“I’m also fine sweetheart“ We talk about random stuff until malume drops us at the mall.
“Let’s eat first I’m starving. Are you down for galaxy grill?” she asks
“Of course” She’s not the Gugu I know today or maybe it’s my imagination but my friend is bubbly and funny all the time. Someone bump into me I almost fall.
“Bitch look where you are going!” I try to open my mouth to say something but words are stuck in my throat and my heart is beating so fast.
“You are the one who should look where you are going what do you think this white stick is for!!” Gugu says
“She should stay home if she’s blind nx!!” I won’t lie that hit home and was enough to make me want to go home now.
“Fuck You!...Come baby” Gugu says as she takes my hand and lead me to our table. The waiter brings the menu for us and Gugu reads it out loud for me since they don’t have the Braille one. I’m a light eater so I opted for the light meal. Gugu calls the waiter and place her order.
“Rib burger and vanilla milkshake”
“Chicken and avo and vanilla milkshake”
“Coming right up
“Can I have a glass of water please” The incident that happened minutes ago left me feeling some type away. My heart is still beating fast and I can still hear his harsh voice in my ears.
“It’s coming Miss”
“Hey don’t let that rude cute guy to spoil your mood” Gugu says I guess it’s that obvious. The waiter brings water and I gulp it all down
“Thank you....Tell me what’s bothering you. I can tell that you are not yourself today” I hear her clearing her throat
“Uhm you know that I love you right” okay this sound serious and I feel like whatever she’s going to say would make me sad.
“And I love you too babe”She takes my hands into hers
“My dad found a better job in Johannesburg so we are moving to Gauteng” I free my hands from hers as I digest what she’s saying
“Say something Mira”
“Would that change anything”
“Mira come on”
“It’s fine Gugu you are leaving me and there’s nothing I can do about that”
“I will visit you and you can come and visit me too baby. I don’t want to leave too but there’s nothing I can do”
“Then come stay with us” I say out of impulse and regret it later I don’t want my friend to know the kind of life we are living there.
“That won’t be possible
“Oh looks like this has been planned long time ago. I thought we were taking a gap year?”
“The rents refused they said a gap year for what”
“So what have applied for”
“I thought you love journalism Gugu”
“You know how my dad is Mira” The annoyance in her voice can’t be missed. Here’s the thing with Gugu’s father he’s too controlling and strict it doesn’t help that Gugu is the eldest.
“Yho it’s tough mos good luck” I blink back my tears back but they fall.
“Hey don’t cry I will be a phone call away” I can’t help myself we have been friends for four years now. She’s the only friend I have ever made in my life. I like taking walks alone just to stretch my legs. I got lost because I was still new in this place and she helped me find my home. Luckily her father and my stepdad know each other so that's how our friendship started. I love her so much and she accepted me the way I am. What I like about her is that she loves me for who I am and she doesn’t feel sorry for me or treat me some kind of way just because I’m blind. I truly found a friend in her. We were both doing grade 12 in separate school of course and our friendship got strong from the very first day but now I fear that she will go to Johannesburg meet new friends and forget about the blind girl.
“You are making me cry now babe. Please don’t cry you won’t even notice I’m not here. I will call send messages and video call you everyday okay” I nod and wipe my tears
“When are you leaving”
“Tomorrow” so soon! Our food arrives
“Here’s your chicken and avo miss with your milkshake on the side”
“Thank you” I say
“So have you told Ricky” Ricky is her colored boyfriend
“Yes he’s not talking to me Mira. I don’t know what to do I don’t want to leave without seeing him”
“I’m sorry he will come around I’m sure. It must be hard for him as much as it is for me”
“I guess you are right” she sighs our topic shifts from one thing to another until we finish eating. She offer to pay the bill then we go do some shopping for her since she’s going to start university. We really had fun and Gugu couldn’t stop taking pictures of us and posts them on social networks. Once we are done I call Malume to come pick us up. Yes I do have a phone and I I know how to use it by the help of an app called VoiceOver every action I do is spoken out loud for me from clicking an app to calling someone. All thanks to assistive technology that enables us the low impaired or blind to use technology like sighted people. There’s screen reading software and special talking apps that enables us to use computers cellphone and other electronic device independently.
Malume arrives and take us home we start by dropping Gugu and I promise her that I will come by to say goodbye tomorrow morning after that we hug then we drive home.
“Thank you malume Sox”
“Noma inini mtwana” (anytime baby) I make way inside the house. I can hear mom giggling as I walk to the lounge.
“Baby you are back”
“Yes I’m tired I’m just gonna go sleep”
“Aw come join us baby girl daddy missed you” Lord your man is annoying me. I join them and they make me sit in between them. We chat like we use to before he changed. Late mom dishes out for us we eat and go to sleep.
The next morning I wake up and do my hygiene process then get dressed in a denim short and black vest. I slide into my slippers and take muffin before heading out. Well I never clean around nor make my bed mom is the one who does the chores I just help here and there not that I can’t. She taught me well the thing is this woman spoils me too much.
I find her singing she always sings when she’s in a good mood and she sings very well but she says I singer better than her I have an angelic voice. I do love to sing especially when I’m taking a shower and I love music in fact I once thought of myself as a musician but I fear of starting new school rejection and judgement is always crippling my mind. I did say I have metathesiophobia
“Someone is in the good mood today” Last night she wasn’t making the usual screams these ones were funny but dad is the one that was growling like a wounded animal.
“Morning my miracle” she plants a peck on my lips.
“Mmh woman did you give that man the taste of his medicine”
“Haibo ukhuluma ngani”(what are you talking about)
“Don't play dumb mommy I heard him he was growling like a wounded animal. You must have Van Damme and Chuck Norris him strong” She burst into laughter
“You are crazy” okay I don’t follow what’s funny
“Come on Mom share phela so you showed him juda karate”
“Juda kara…what?” She cackles now I feel dumb what is funny?
“Here I packed some cookies for Gugu. Tell her to be not a stranger and I love her so much” She gives me a plastic bag.
“I will do thanks. I’m coming back now for those tips just Incase I meet that rude boy again and show him some flames like you did to dad”
“What boy?” I tell her what happened at the mall yesterday
“Agh suka don't mind him baby go now”
“Bye” I make my way out obvious I’m going to walk it’s five houses away vele no need to call malume Sox. Gugu’s mom is the one that welcomes me such a sweet woman
“Mira hey!” She pulls me to her arms and hugs me
“Hey mama how are you”
“I’m good baby how are you” She lets loose
“I’m also fine Mama I brought some cookies mom baked them ”
“Oh that’s so sweet thank her for me please” she takes the plastic bag on my hand
“I will Mama where’s Gugu”
“She’s still in her bedroom sulking. Let me put these cookies in the kitchen and take you to her room”
“Relax Mom I know my way around this house don’t worry”
“Oh okay sweets” I make my way upstairs which takes me longer as I’m not quite use to them. Our house is a single story. Her room is the first one on my right.
“Friend open up its me” The door open and I make my way in she’s sniffing and I just knew she’s crying. We sit on her bed and she rests her head on my thighs as I comforts her
“Shhh it’s going to be okay”
“It will never be Ricky broke up with me last night. It hurts Mira”
“Oh babe I’m sorry” I don’t know what to say I’m not good at consoling people and being clueless about being inlove is not doing me justice. I comforts her until she calms down just then her dad calls out for her and announce that they are leaving . I couldn’t hold my tears anymore we hug for the longest time and it feels like I will never see her again it feels like it’s a final goodbye.
I love you”
“I love you too” We hug once again and I stay rooted until I couldn’t hear the sound of car then make my way home with a heavy heart. There’s someone following me and my senses never lie hence I always rely on them. The footsteps are getting closer I caught a whiff of his perfume and my heart skips a beat. I try to walk as fast as my legs could carry me but my knees are wobbling. I trip before I fall down someone catches me.
“I got you” Its really him It's funny I still remember his voice. He’s holding me close and I can feel his breathing caressing my face.
“Th..thanks” I stutter and try to let lose from him but he holds me in place.
“Le..let me go now”
“You have beautiful eyes it’s a pity they can’t see” My mom always tell me that I have beautiful hazel eyes.
“Please let me go” I say with a shivering voice I can feel my heart pounding hard against my chest. He lets me go
“Here” He forces my hand to take something and I touch it and feel that it’s a document that’s written in Braille
“What should I do with these”
“Wipe your ass” I hear his footsteps shuffling away
“Asshole!” I mumble
“What did you say?” oh no he heard me! I don’t say anything but make my way home. For some odd reason I can’t wait to get home and read this document. The first thing when I get home is to sit down on the chair and starts reading. To say I'm shocked is an understatement. It’s has all the illegal dealings of Mr Khumalo very incriminating stuff I tell you but are all these things true? Who is that guy? Why did he give these to me? What is he planning to achieve? How did he get hold of this information? What does he expect me to do with it and how does he know me?