It has been a week a week of me living with this man. He is not as bad as Chiliza described to be maybe I will see that soon but she did say his father is evil. I wonder why we are at the supermarket buying groceries. I can't work with what he eats so here we are doing the shopping.
“I will be back right now ” he says and I nod while he walks away I walk down the aisle pushing the trolley.
I stop Infront of the spices and I look for the one I would prefer. I take two and I put them inside the trolley. I turned around and bumped into someone.
“I am sorry” I say
“Cholo” I look up to the person who is calling me.
“Nto..Ntozakhona hi” I swallowed.
He smiles and I shy away.
“You left again ” he says softly.
“I... I had to ” I say.
“You are still this side ?” he moves next to me holding his biltong and Stone cold drink close. He has always loved it with chili sauce ontop.
“Yes” I hold onto the trolley.
“I have to go greet your finance for me ” he holds my arm as I move.
“I would like to see you again” he says
“Longer than this” he continues
“I can't Ntozakhona I am sorry.”
I move away from him and don't turn back I want to see him. Longer than this as well but I have to respect his life as it is now and try to unlove him. If that is very possible My life is here now and I should focus on that and forget about that Ndlovu man who I have loved for so many years. I get to the till and stand thereMsizi comes back and throws his stuff inside.
“Got what you needed ?” I nod.
“Yes I did thank you” he nods and pulls me close to him and kisses the side of my forehead. He is affectionate that I have noticed.
I look at him and he smiles I return the gesture. He doesn't let go and we move with the line. Everything gets scanned and he pays for everything. I am sure I didn't take much. We get done and we walk out of the store to the parking lot. Everything gets loaded I see Ntozakhona's car passing by us and I just closed my eyes. Msizi closes the boot when he is done.
“We can go” he says and we get inside the car he drives off after.
I look out of the window as silence consumes the car I feel his hand on mine and I look at him.
“Cholo I am not bad” he says looking at me then focuses on the road.
“We can maybe try for the sake of us having kids together” he says
“Why choose your cousin's wife ?” I ask.
“It was my father's suggestion”
“And you agreed” he nods.
“I agreed because of how he portrayed you”
“He doesn't know me ”
“Yes but he knows how rural women were groomed ” he says
“We are all groomed differently” I say
“Can we try ?” he asks.
“I will give you time ” he smiles and I sigh. I don't know what to decide now. It's draining making alot of decisions.
We are both silent in the car once more.
Msizi left right after I unpacked the groceries. He told me he left work before we went grocery shopping. What baffels me is that he is always casual. I pack him lunch and he takes it. That's the only thing he takes. He wakes up very early reminds me of the time Ntozakhona when he had to leave for Durban he would leave at 1am very early just so he can arrive on time and go to work. His family is the wealthiest in our community but what I love is that they work for it. Even them they had to start somewhere as well like their fathers. He would come Friday late at night and leave Monday morning. I should push that man at the back of my head. Am I ready to be a mother ? I am grown now and in my late 20's. People my age have children already and have a good life for themselves. A good life with the people they love will I love Msizi ? That's the question I have no answer to. Should I give him a chance ? I am confused. I wish my mother was here she would've told me what to do.
I start with the pots in that process. My phone rings and it's MaNdawonde. I answer the call quickly
“How are they treating you my child ? ”
“Its good. He wants us to try” I say.
“Already ? Isn't that fast ?” she asks.
“I have to obey”
“Oh my innocent Cholo. You have to put your foot down sometimes and take what's yours. You can't always please people. You will hurt yourself ” she says.
“What should I do ?”
“What you want. Regardless of what I say or anyone says. I want to see you happy my child. If you want to make things work then you can and if things fail it's ok ” she says. I needed to talk to her.
“Ok mah I will do so ”
“Take care. I love you” I smile.
“I love you too” she hangs up and I put my phone away and carry on with cooking.
I get done and I go to the guest room and I went to do some ironing from today's washing. I fold the clothes nicely and neatly as well before I put them where they are supposed to be. Soon enough I get done with the washing and I pack everything away.
“MaGxabashe ! ” I frown and I peak my head from the bedroom and then went to the lounge.
“Surprise !” He says before laughing.
“What are you doing here ?”
“I brought your boyfriend ” Afika says and sucks on his lollipop. He takes the remote and changes the channel.
“Please leave you are not supposed to be here ” Ntozakhona pulls me through the passage.
“Ntozakhona !” he pins me on the wall and hovers my tiny self. I swallow his cologne hits my nostrils.
“Listen here Cholo you left me and chose your father over us you did that shit and I let you be. You fucked me up then and you come and fuck me up again stop fucking my life up whenever you feel entitled to do so you married another dude and now you are with Another? What is ”
“Let go of me and leave me alone. It will stop ME from messing up your everything ”
“I can't because I fucken love you !” he shouts.
“Stop shouting stop swearing ” I say softly.
“I am sorry” he lowers his voice. He roughly brush his head and looks at me.
“What are you doing with Msizi?” how does he know him ?
“I am here to give him children since Dabula was infertile.”
“Fuck this I am not infertile ” he picks me up and goes to the bedroom
“Ntozakhona put me down ”
He puts me on the bed and hovers me. My heart is beating fast.
“Plesse please leave ” I say softly. He kisses my neck and I break down I am crumbling and weakening too quickly . I am weak !
“We have always wanted our own village” he says softly by my ear. I swallow as he proceeds kissing my chest.
“Lets not do this please” I say softly. He holds my waist and presses his body on mine.
“Haibo Haibo kanti nenza nje !( you guys are doing this )” I try moving Ntozakhona but he is heavy.
Afika takes a picture and claps his hands laughing.
“Carry on. Should I press record or watch with my own two eyes?" He says. I am flushed and want them to leave right now. Tears prickle my eyes and they drop.
“Why are you crying ?” he asks.
“Get off me ” I say and he does.
“I think I will wait outside” Afika says and walks out.
“Get out Ntozakhona.”
“Mphefumulo...” I interrupt him.
“Its time we realized that our promises weren't going to be fulfilled and we should move on. Our love story ended 10 years ago” he holds my hands.
“Cholo when you told me you were leaving I was shattered. You remeber that I didn't come back for the whole month before you left...” I nod.
I wanted to spend that last month with him but he wasn't there. I know he was angry as he didn't come back as usual. I always stood by that red container every Friday hoping he would come but he didn't till I left.
“I was working so I could get the money your father owes and when I came back you were already gone. I asked your sister where you were but she didn't tell me which parts of Nongoma you are in and I just lost hope” He holds my hand and locks it with his and I look at it.
My mind jogs to the memory of us at the river sitting on the rock.
He kissed my neck and I giggled. He wrapped his arms around me as I laid my head back on his chest. The river stream was calming I was supposed to fetch water but I am spending time with him. My father will come looking for me if I don't go back home.
“Uhlekani ?(What are you laughing at?)” I smiled and looked at the river.
“You are tickling me ”
He took my hand and locked it with his and I looked at his left hand and touched the bracelet I gave to him yesterday
“I will keep it on everyday” he says.
”I will keep mine as well” I smile and he gave me a cheek kiss. I turned my head and face him. I went on my knees and he held my cheek and gave me a kiss. I felt foreign feelings
I snap out of my thoughts and look at our hands. He still has it on he touches mine and I move my hand breaking away from his. I stood up and took off the bracelet.
“I think we should try moving on.Good luck on your marriage” he stands up and holds my waist.
“I love you” he says I swallow.
“I..lo..bye ” he looks at me and nods. He lets me go and he walks to the door. He turns and looks at me before he walks out. I sat on the bed and breathed out.
I am confusing my life yes I am and I want to unconfuse that. I don't know how or where to start as well. How did Ntozakhona find me anyway ? How does he know Msizi ? I want to ask Msizi but I don't want to bring another man's name in his presence. It's disrespectful.
“What a day!” He walks in and throws his Bennie on the bed and runs his hand on his bald head.
It suits him he got his hair done I can see. He had hair but it suits him.
“I am sorry I arrived late. I was held up at the panel beater” he takes off his top. I pull the covers to my body.
“Its fine ” I say.
He gets on the bed and perks my lips.
“I have thought about what you said” I say and he looks at me.
“We can try but let's not rush I have just lost Dabula and I need to grieve ” I say
“I understand babe. It's not easy letting go of someone you still love but I will try my best to be patient” he says.
He is right. It's not easy letting go of someone you still love. It's not easy letting go of Ntozakhona.
“Thank you” I say. He holds my waist.
“I missed you today surprisingly” he says.
“Let me go and warm some food for you ” I get of the bed and he pulls me to him.
“I have already eaten ” He softly whispers in my ear.
“Ok” his fingers run up my thigh pulling my night dress up.
“We should try again” he says I nod slowly while swallowing.
“Fuck this I am not infertile ” Ntozakhona's words ring in my head I can't seem to get him out of my head. His voice keeps on ringing and I feel tingles.
“Dad chose wisely” Msizi says and he lays me on the bed. He gets ontop of me and gives me a kiss. I respond.
I shall obey I shall fulfil mostly I shall let go of the love I have for Ntozakhona Ndlovu