My heart I never knew heart break comes in many forms than one I never thought I would go through heart break twice this one left a huge scar that won’t heal inside of me it ripped my heart twice and it feels like daggers are inserted in my heart. I have never felt so much in pain and it feels like the pain button was switched on inside of me. Death it’s one thing that caused me this heart break this painful feeling inside of me by coming between me and my precious thing It took my most valuable possession out of all things it took my daughter away from me.
She made it to the hospital and got the bed she needed she stayed a night but the next morning she was gone her little body just gave in and it shut down. It had spread throughout her brain. Why did God take my daughter away from me causing me this unexplainable pain he said he loves us but is this love? Does he love giving us something and then take it away from us. I failed my baby girl more than anything should’ve been more there for her and tried all means to get her better her tiny smile her little voice and her happy energy plays in my mind like a broken record it haunts me every time I look beside me and pull her clothes closer to me and I cry. I wish to die at this moment I want to follow my daughter. I am nothing without my little Owami I wish that all of this was a dream that I would wake up from but it’s not. It’s my bitter reality.
“Nana” Its Nosi she touches my back softly but I don’t move I clench on Owami’s clothes just so I could feel her but nothing.
“Slindokuhle Owami’s grandfather needs to talk to you” my mind is not about where Owami should be buried the Ndlovu family want her to be buried next to her family members at their family home in Msinga but my family is refusing.
“Slindokuhle” my grandmother comes to my side and she lifts me up I start sobbing.
“Phephisa mntanami kuzolunga( I am sorry my child it will be ok)”
“She left me God took my child gogo ku…kubhlungu kakhulu (it’s so painful) “ I sob
“I know my child I know”
I cried they pulled me up and Nosi held me as we walked out of the bedroom I couldn’t stop crying. They stood up and Sakhile looks like a mess he was nowhere to be found yesterday. I threw myself in his arms and he held me and rubbed my back. He smelled of alcohol and Nicotine as well.
“I want my baby Sakhile I want my child” I cried in his arms
“Ngiyaxolisa Sthandwa sam Ngiyaxolisa( I am sorry my love I am sorry)”he says in a breaking voice.
“You wanted her dead vele!” Nosi says
“Nosibusiso!” my grandmother says
“We are sorry and heartbroken by the loss of our granddaughter”Bab’Ndlovu says. Sakhile wipes my tears.
“Owami will be buried with the Bhengu family in New Castle “My grandmother says.
“We understand that our Son didn’t pay any damages but he will fix that during the Negotiations” one of the uncles says.
My heart is painingi can’t think of anything else than my little Owami.
“No we raised that child our decision is final” my grandmother says
“Gogo “I say softly and she looks at me.
“Hayi Slindokuhle!”She gives me a look.
“It’s her family” I say.
“No go and sleep because you seem to have lost it” Nosi says.
“No I am not up for any squabbling I birthed Owami and Sakhile is her father the Ndlovu family will do right by her so please can we have peace I don’t have the heart for back and forth” Nosi looks at Sakhile and then me gogo looks at me and tears stream down my cheeks.
“As you wish” She says.
“Thank you” Sakhile keeps on rubbing my back.
The neighbors arrived to send of their condolences and some of my high school friends as well who live around the neighborhood came to send their condolences the women kept on singing as I am sitting on the mattress. It has been solved my other family members from New Castle are coming down tomorrow and Bab’Ndlovu organized transport for them to be fetched and brought down Damages will be paid for Owami on Thursday and then a little Ceremony will be done for her as for her soul to be acknowledged and accepted as one of the Ndlovu ancestors after all of that we can then bury her on Sunday tomorrow we are moving to Bab’Ndlovu’s house and my family will be accommodated at their homestead in Msinga Apparently Sakhile’s Grandmother is still alive and lives there. That is going to happen I feel so miserable right now. I feel like taking my heart out and putting it on ice so it could cool down or for Owami to walk through that door and say “Mama” as I catch her in my arms you never know pain until you lose something you have given life to and watched it grow you don’t know pain if you haven’t had a life grow in you only for you to lose it to the person who gave it to you.
I looked up to her and she puts a tray on my lap with tea and some bread.
“Eat mntanami ukuze ube namandla(Eat so you can have some strength)” I just looked at her.
“Slindo eat” That was Nosi. I looked at her and moved the food away from me.
“Give her some space” My grandmother said they nodded and Mam’Zikhali moved away from me. I lay down on the mattress and I cry my eyes out.
The following day came and we were transported to Sakhile’s home in Richmond Crest we arrived and already everything was prepared for us his cousins were there as well . Even the ones from Durban the furniture from the lounge was moved and the mattress was already there my grandmother sat down.
“Ndodakazi” I look at Bab’Ndlovu.
“Please come with me “Nosi looks at me and I follow him.
“Sakhile wants to see you” He says before opening his bedroom door and he is laid on the bed I move inside and go closer to him. I sit next to him but his eyes are still fixed on the ceiling. The door closes his bedroom is a mess.
“S…Sa…” I swallowed before I spoke once more I touched his lap.
He was silent.
“Sakhile talk to me”
I plead he stands up and takes the gun from his study desk and walks to the door he holds the handle for a while before he turns and I feel metal come in contact with my face. I fall on the bed and he is on top of me pinning me down painfully. His knee is on my wind pipe.
“If you listened I wouldn’t have bonded with her this much I wouldn’t feel this hurt I wouldn’t feel this fucked up Slindokuhle! It’s your fault she is dead!”
He shouted and I tried screaming and I could feel myself losing my breath as he pressed
He shouted and I tried screaming and I could feel myself losing my breath as he pressed his eyes showed hatred only.
“Sa…Sakhil !” I tried to scream and the door busted open and he was removed from me by his cousins. I was assisted up by Nazo as I coughed and cried.
“What are you doing?!” Sikelela shouts and they drag him off I cry. He almost killed me.
“Shh its ok let’s get you some water”Nazo says and he helps me up all I hear is someone groaning outside and a deep voice roaring Nosi is standing by the kitchen window.
“hhmmhh Mshaye !(Hit him)” She says and turns to me and she rushes to me as I hold my neck still trying to catch my breath.
“Are you ok Mntase?” I nodded
“What’s going on outside?” My voice is scratchy my left cheek hurts.
“You have some blood on your face” She starts to panic.
“No we are leaving !Gogo !” She screams
“Nosi please” I say.
Nazo gets me water and he gives it to me and I drink up.
“I am coming back with a first aid kit” he says I nod and I feel a headache come on I sit on the chair.
“Why are you calling me?” gogo appears and she puts hands on her head.
“It’s nothing ”I say
“No siyahamba manje angifuni lutho ngalomndeni(We are leaving now I want nothing to do with this family)” she says
“Gogo sit down” I say while holding my paining head.
The kitchen doors are being opened roughly and Sakhile is dragged in my his father he stumbles a bit and his face is roughened up he is holding his chest. His eyes land on me and I look away.
“Sobona ukuthi ubani indoda lah(We will see who is a man between us)” his father says angrily and pushes him through the passage and they disappear.
“I like his father my type” Nosi says and we look at her.
“Here is the kit” Nazo appears.
“Go and sit down gogo I will be fine” she sighes defeated and she walks away with Nosi.
Nazo pours some bit of whisky and gives it to me.
“I don’t drink” I say
“It will calm your nerves and the sting won’t be painful” he says.
“So you are a Doctor and know these things” I say and he chuckles while taking out gloves and wears them the takes some Dettol and cotton wool. He dabs a bit.
“No but I have dealt with serious injuries than this” He says and dabs it on my forehead and I flinch.
“That hurts” I say
“I am sorry” he takes another cotton wool and does the same again.
“You are also in the taxi industry?” I make conversation.
“Not really it’s a family business I am a Private investigator” he says
“Oh I see” he looks at me and chuckles
“What are you? You have been asking me a lot of questions” He says and keeps on dabbing on my forehead and it hurts he holds my face with his hand and its firm.
“Stop moving” he commands and I stop.
“I am nothing” I say and he looks at me.
“Who said you are nothing?” he asks while looking at me he has an intense stare and its intimidating me a lot.
“I didn’t pass my matric well and currently not working isn’t that nothing?”
He is silent for a moment and he takes a bandage from the first Aid kit and plasters he takes scissors and he cuts a piece off the bandage.
“If you passed and went to Varsity what would you say you are now?” He asks.
“A nurse” he nods.
“There is nothing stopping you really” He says.
“Yeah maybe my matric certificate” I say.
“Ndodakazi” I turn and its Baba he comes to me.
“I am sorry for Sakhile’s behavior” Shouldn’t he be the one apologizing.
“He should be apologizing baba not you “I say I am pissed off
“I understand that I am ashamed of his acts” he says and tears stream down my cheeks.
“I didn’t kill Owami I promise” I sob and Nazo embraces me.
“She is my daughter” I carried on crying.
_ _ _ _ _
My family arrived in Msinga a few days ago and the payments were done I am sure my family charged them an arm I know so. I expected to be In my mother’s arms till the funeral but she told me that she has some marking and little kids to take off she will come to the funeral though of which is today. Sakhile tried talking to me but I don’t want to. It’s dumb that I still love him so much and it hasn’t changed I am still hurt that he blames me for Owami’s death like that. Owami was my everything and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for my daughter. We all got ready and left wee hours of morning with taxis we arrived on time and a tent and everything was set up yesterday it hit me that she is gone when I saw her laying lifeless at the morgue when we were going to bring the clothes she will wear for today. I have never cried so much in my life and the pain was inflicted twice as more than it was before. I couldn’t believe my little baby girl was laying there silent and never ever to wake up ever again.
We walked inside and an old woman was standing with Sakhile’s father while looking inside the tiny casket in the lounge area already the yard has a lot of people I don’t know.
“Uyafana noThokozile kade ngimbuka(She looks so much like Thokozile)” The old woman says and Bab’Ndlovu nods.
“Sikhululekile kwa Gatseni” My uncle says and they turn.
“Oh Welcome boh Bhengu Makoti come here” I look around and this old woman comes and embraces me she smells like nice baby powder.
“I am sorry “she says and I nod I am tired of hearing that because it won’t bring back my daughter.
Family members are called in to see Owami for the last time and I went to look at her and she looks so peaceful and beautiful. I feel a hand on my back.
“She is beautiful”
He says with his hoarse voice I want to hug her and kiss her for the last time I want to tell her how much I love her and I want to do everything with her.
“I wish I had enough time spent with her” he says and clears his throat.
I moved away and he held my arm and pulled me to his chest and I broke down.
“I am sorry” he says and I keep on crying.
My daughter’s send -off was wonderful and dignified from the casket to the decoration and the food to the organization of everything was wonderful and gave me peace as to how everything was done. Sakhile’s family is a community if I could say because they are a lot his grandmother has 13 children in total but 4 have already died 7 boys and 6 girls. Some of Sakhile’s family members is not here and it’s his aunt who resides in the UK with her children. I had a small portion of food and that was it I was forced by Nosi on that matter. I was looking for my mother outside I saw her during the church sermon.
“Baby” I jumped and turned it was Sakhile he scared me.
“What do you want Sakhile?’’ I asked with a bit of a tone.
“I want us to talk...” I interrupt him.
“We are talking aren’t we?” I say
“I am sorry about what I did it was never supposed to happen in the first place” he comes closer and stands in front of me.
“You hurt me more than just hitting me but you bruised my feelings” he is silent.
“Who did this to you?” I asked him his face was badly bruised.
“Gatseni” he says
“I am sorry” he says and he hugs me and I start to feel the pain before I cry.
“I miss her so much” I sob on his chest.
“Me too baby me too”
He keeps on comforting me.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
A few weeks passed and it was already month end it’s the day Sakhile’s family is coming to pay for my dowry Nosi wasn’t approving but she told me if he does something to me I should tell her and she will stab him to death. I know she will have my back Mam’Zikhali came to help with the preparations and we are doing the best we can if they don’t get impressed then I am sorry they have to bare we us we can’t meet up to their standard but we tried shame. I was rushing around the yard seeing if everything is in great order . My grandmother catches me .
“Go to your room they will arrive anytime” she said and I nodded before going to my room.
Nosi was here with me so as Amahle who is Mam'Zikhali’s daughter. I haven’t gotten a call or Sms from Sakhile since yesterday and from his Facebook posts it shows that he was celebrating last night. His cousin did though check up on me and we ended up talking briefly and it ended there. Nothing serious and I won’t tell you who it is. I tried Sakhile’s numbers but still nothing.
“Trouble?” Amahle asks.
“No” I put my phone away and Nosi gives me a look I know she wants to talk.
“I would appreciate it if you didn’t say anything” I say looking at her.
“I didn’t say anything” She says
“Oh” I say. We hear shouting from outside and I go and look out of the window and they are standing by the gate my heart is beating fast that I am about to vomit it out of my mouth. I see one of my uncles going to the gate and they seem to be negotiating Sakhile’s uncle puts down two bottles of whisky but still my uncles are not satisfied with iVula masango . They are being greedy and will ruin things for me .
“They are asking for more!” I say huffing while peaking.
“You are not cheap” Nosi says
“They haven’t even gotten inside to even say if I am cheap or not” I turn to her and back to the curtain. A few notes are placed and they open the gate finally !
“I should tell gogo to charge them for Sakhile taking your virginity” she stands up.
“Sit down Nosibusiso” I say.
“You are lucky Slie” Amahle says and I smile.
“Thank you” I sit on the bed. We can hear bits of what’s going on but the rest we don’t. we get called out to come and we do with blankets over our shoulders as we kneel and bow our heads.
“Iyiphi kulezi zimbali zethu zontathu eniyikhethayo( which flower between our 3 flowers that you are choosing?)” my uncle asks.
“ The one on the right” I breath out.
“Malume(Uncle)” I say
“Do you know these men?” he says and I look up and nod.
“Yes I know them” I say.
“You can excuse us “ we stood up and left I took my phone and tried Sakhile once more but it rang unanswered I am getting frustrated.
“Are you leaving after this?” Amahle asks me and I look at her.
“After uMembeso which is Next week” I say.
“Ok “She says. I make a call again and this time it gets answered.
“I have been calling you all day Sak…..” I was interrupted.
“Who is this?” Who is she?
We heard ululating and my grandmother walked in.
“All went well.” She says.
“Who are you?” I say and the line goes dead. I try the number again but nothing once more.