A Year Later



I wake up painting for air sweat cascading down my faceMy body hot as if it's on fire Tears blinding my vision and my heart throbbing in pain.

My hands slowly find my chest and hold on to it for dear life hoping that if I just press harder the pain in my heart might just vanish

But I still feel it

The immense pain engulfing all of me

I can still hear the heart-rending chorus ringing in my ears cutting through my veins and crashing my world into million pieces 

The sorrowful cries of his schoolmates 

His father and brothers 

I still see myself

Standing no tears shedding

No voice to apologize 

I brought them into their lives

My brothers.. 

And for that I'll never be happy

For as long as I live 

Misery sorrow and darkness will be my everyday meal

I deserve it

Phikelela was such a good soul he didn't deserve what happened to him. He was too young too bright and had a lot to live for but instead his life was cut short by none other then my so called family 

I quickly wipe the tears and run to the nursery as his cries fill up the entire house.. 

This boy can cry a river and still have the energy to suck my breast.. 

I find him sucking his thumb his tiny feet dangling up and down

I pick him breastfeed him. Instead of sleeping his eyes are moving around and I know it's one of those nights where he is just on a mission to drive me crazy. It's gonna be a long night for me.

I love this little guy but sometimes he just sucks out my whole energy.. 

My heart warms up as he softly giggles now I should put away my sleep and focus on him. I wouldn't trade him for anything though he is my super human 

My son my hope. My reason for being.. 

Sbanisethu Zulu.. 

I'm pacing up and down making sure that I've put everything I'll need for the day. 

Sis Pam comes in

my hope. My reason for being.. 

Sbanisethu Zulu.. 

I'm pacing up and down making sure that I've put everything I'll need for the day. 

Sis Pam comes in Sbani fast asleep In her arms. Little betrayer he kept me awake almost the whole night and now he is asleep.. 

"Sisi" she says

"I'm in a rush Pam you'll call me if you need anything" 

I grab the apple peck his tiny mouth and rush to the Garage and drive out.

Checking the time on my wrist watch I'm 20 minutes late! Oh Jesus! 

I park like a lunatic as I reach the parking lot and rush to my office. 

My phone has about 6 missed calls I'll call them later. I have a busy day ahead. 

When lunchtime comes I'm exhausted as they come. 

My phone is ringing it's Mthunzi 

"Mama ka Sbani" he says

"Baba ka Sbani" 

Through the toughest time God still blessed us with a healthy baby boy

"Are you okay?" 

He's always asking this question. The answer is still the same

"you know I'll never be okay Mthunzi" 

He sighs

"please come back early today. I've got plans for us"

"I will"

"i love you Swazelihle. Just always remember that"

I drop the call and blink tears away.. It hurts I wish I had been there maybe I would have stopped everything.. 

We no longer live in EShowe. After the tragic death of Phikelela I couldn't face his family. I'm the one who brought my crazy brothers into their lives and that alone made me feel like I was responsible for it all

Mthunzi is such a loving husband but he can't help me this time. No one can. 

We now live in Kwamashu N section Mthunzi works at a Private Practice in Glenwood while I work in Boston Holdings in Bridge City. 

My life is just that I leave Sbani with the nanny sis Pam and bury myself to work. I make sure to spend my weekends and off days with him. 

Mthunzi is forever busy he is forever being called even when it's not his shift I'm not complaining though. 

I'm just glad he took me away from his family. I could see it in their eyes that they blamed me and I blame myself too




The gates open she comes out and stands still letting the sea breeze hit her face. Jessica Jones a tall coloured woman with a hypnotising beauty 

Her father gets out of the car approaching her with a proud smile

"jy het dit gemaak my dodo (you've made it) " he says engulfing her in a warm tight hug 

"Ek het vir jou gesê om my te vertrou pappa (I told you to trust me)" 

Jessica's eyes are glued outside the window taking it all in. It's been more than 10 years since she was casted inside the psychiatric Hospital 

"a lot has changed" she remarks 

"the world keeps on changing my dodo". Says her father.. 

"How is mamma?"

Since she got in there she never visited 

"eish" his free hand claws the back of his neck


"we'll talk when we get home" 

He says and concentrate on driving 

"have you heard from.. From him..". 

"he is married Jessica. forget about him..!" 

Brushing her long black hair she looks out the window thinking.. 



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