I'm not a religious person but I do believe that there's a greater force up there in the sky at least that's what I used to believe until I lost the love of my life while he let it all happen. He orchestrated everything and now she's all gone. Let me tell you a little story about how things went south...

'A little fresh air ain't never hurt nobody'
I think to myself as I make my way out of the house taking a scroll around our quiet neighborhood.
Hillcrest extension is a chilled place I can't imagine living anywhere but here. Just as I'm halfway to the Spar complex my phone rings. Its Philasande So girlfriend. She's 3 months pregnant and we haven't told our parents yet. I roll my eyes answering her call
I say trying hard not to sound as annoyed as I am. She's forever whining and nagging lately. Emotional too. It's too much. She wants us to get rid of it because next year we going to different universities her parents will kill her and also because yena she's not ready. We in Matric that time preparing for trials.
She starts crying. I start to panic I can't handle her tears I don't need the water works
"Baby thetha nam" (baby talk to me)
I plead but its like I've opened a tap cause she wails even harder than before.
"Sthandwa Sam please just tell me what's wrong?"
I ask now rushing to her home which is just opposite the complex I was going too. I get to her home and knock ending the call on her. Her friend opens. Its a Saturday and her parents normally go to the rural areas on weekends as they have farms there and stuff
She says stepping aside. I rush towards Phila's screams. I get to her room and her phone is on the floor with a trail of blood leading to her bathroom. I find her in the shower with blood sitting on the floor under the water crying. I stop in my tracks
Is all I manage to utter
"She did a backdoor abortion and now she won't stop bleeding"
Explains Thuthula her bestfriend that opened the door for me. I'm shook and unable to say anything. I love Phila but this? This is hard to take in. 
I'm not a rich kid my family can at least afford and because I like to have my own things I work at Spar after school. I know what you thinking I'm in Matric and its a critical time and all but I manage and my boss is understanding. 
"Uthi wenzeni?"(she did what?)
I ask turning to Thuthula. She looks down playing with her hands. 
"Call an ambulance!"
I say going in the shower closing the tap. She's crying and it breaks my heart but not more than her aborting our child! She's shivering but this person was sitting under hot water. 
"Call a fucking ambulance!"
I yell but her friend shakes her head and so does Phila.
I almost drop her the way I'm so shook!
"If we call an ambulance then they going to want to contact her parents and it will be a big mess. Phila needs to drink some pain meds and sleep"
Says her friend. I chuckle and head to Phila's room and put her on the bed. I'm pissed to the core I'm even breathing fire. I grab her friend by the throat.
"If she dies"
That's all I say to her she's pleading and begging for me to let go. I walk out to the lounge and call a friend of mine who lives in Ncambedlana he goes to WSU and has a polo was a 21st birthday present. I tell him what's going on and he tells me he's on his way. Meantime I dress Phila up just as I finish there's a hooter outside its Khuselo. I pick her up and take her to the car instructing her friend to call her parents and bring Phila's wallet and phone. We drive to st Mary's hospital and tell them what's going on. I give them Phila's medical aid and ID while they attend her. They ask for her parents numbers and we give it to them. I go sit down and bury my face in my hands and cry.
I feel someone brush my back
"Xolo bruh" (sorry dude)
Its Khusta
"Ndamcenga bruh. Besthethile ngalewei" (I begged her dude. We spoke about this)
I feel like my problems started on this day. I'm not a perfect guy I grew up avoiding trouble at all costs but the thing with life is that the harder you try avoiding something the easier that something is able to get to you.
I loved Phila but I could never get past what she did and today I blame her for turning me into this person. I'm Gugulezwe Ncenjane and my story begins the day Phila fucked me up. I'm 18 and let's take a ride. 
About what I said about a God and not believing? Life humbles you so much that you find yourself turning over a new leaf. And women? Good God those creatures can mess a nigga up.

"Ungalahli ithemba Sebentile mntfwanami kutolunga my baby."( Do not lose hope Sebentile my child it will all get better.) Those are the words I used to hear all the time from my grandmother until she passed on she said them to me every chance she got. "It's always darker before sunrise ". I never had replies I'll just say "Okay Gogo" and she'll smile and say "One day you'll understand". This response of hers was always on point because there would always be a question in my mind why mustn't I lose hope? I mean what's there to not lose hope about? The last time I heard her say those words was on her death bed 4 years ago. She had Diabetes High blood pressure and all these other diseases old people have. We weren't exactly rich but we never went to bed hungry wether it's on liphalishi noshukela nome liphalishi nemanti ( pap and sugar or water) but fact is we never went to bed with an empty stomach we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back and to say I didn't have the perfect childhood would be a lie yes I was bullied at school and mocked but my granny was always there well until she died. You see LaMazibuko was a praying church going woman not your typical church women who act holier than thou kantsi they are hypocrites backstabbers you name it she was what I called a prayer warrior a rock the community's backbone and everyone loved her who wouldn't? I swear if she's not in Heaven right now looking down on me witchcraft exists straight. She was the type of woman who gave shelter to the homeless and food to the hungry she lived on the scripture in Matthew 25:34-35
"For I was hungry and you gave me food I was thirsty and you gave something to drink I was a stranger and you brought me together with yourselves and welcomed and entertained and lodged me. I was naked and you clothed me I was sick and you visited me I was in prison and you came to see me." 
And well I followed suit. Mam Mavis our nosy neighbour who pretended to be Gogo's friend would always ask "YeTwana ukwentelani lokutsi ungenalutfo kodvwa uchubeke uphisana ngekudla?" And my grandmother's response would always be "It's God grace Mavis kube bewukholwa ngempela ngabe uyakwati lokho." And then Mavis would mumble something thinking we wouldn't hear her but we would anyway. Oh Gog' Twana I miss you old lady only if God kept you here long enough so you can see how far I've come that I didn't give up.
"Sebe... Sebe" 
"Ye?" I say looking at my best friend Nonjabulo
"I've been talking to myself for 30minutes" I laugh she's exaggerating she wouldn't reach 30 minutes talking to someone who isn't paying attention.
"Ncesi bowutsini?" (sorry you were saying?) I look at her and she squints her eyes meaning she's worried. " I'm okay don't worry" I quickly say before she asks. "Okay bengitsi asambe singatoba late uyamati Masina unjani"(Let's go before we are late you know how Masina is) She says rolling her eyes and I laugh her and our accounting teacher have some sort of chemistry and non of them is willing to act on it so they are always at each other's throats. I pack my bag and we leave for our accounting extra class the last class I'll ever attend as a high school student yes I'm in Grade12 and tomorrow we are writing our accounting paper the last paper and I'm so happy shame I stay close to school so Bulo and I walk to school talking about everything making plans for next year. 
"If it isn't the orphan nerd" Says our annoying school president who thinks the world revolves around him and that very girl wants him I won't lie he's hot and all but not my type as if I have one. I look at him then at Bulo who is boiling with anger "Asambe Nonjabulo"(Let's go Nonjabulo) I say looking at her I know how this ends and trust me it's not good see Bulo has had my back ever since I can remember through all the bullying she was there and fought for me.

I actually started being exposed to the cruelty of this world after Gog'Twana's death but I'm glad she prepared me for it. My name is Sebentile Phetsile Dlamini I just turned 17 and I'm not ready for the world kodvwa do I have a choice?


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