I could feel the sjambok tearing my skin those two Men who were holding my hands tight and pinning me down making sure that I don't get away couldn't even look at what was being done to me. The first whips were extremely painful but as he continued I died inside. That physical pain started to feel numb. I couldn't feel anything anymore. This is not the first time he's done this he has been trying to turn me "Straight" by beating me hoping that I might just wake up tomorrow and be what he wanted me to be but I couldn't I wasn't going to live a lie anymore.. Everytime when this happens my mother would down herself with whiskey and my twin Sister Xolelwa would always be crying and begging me to turn straight so that he could stop doing this to me. Armani was the one who always cleaned those wounds May God bless her heart. She has a very kind heart and she's the most sweetest Person I've ever known...
Her tears and her gentle touch would always confirm to me that the wounds were deeper than I had imagined my back became a Map with all those scars that he left on me.. I would block out all the pain by listening to Armani's voice she would be singing one song everytime when she cleaned my wounds:
"Angithandi ukuhlala lapho kune nkani khona noma abanye bengahlala.. Nkosi ngithanda phezulu" (I don't want to live in a place where there's a lot of quarreling even if others can remain but God I prefer being at the top)
She would sing it and sing it up until I fell asleep although she a few years older than me but she was like a Mother to me. She did what my Mother couldn't she cleaned me up everytime when that Man messed me up. I never saw disgust on her face all I could see was sadness and sorrow sadness of what her eyes were seeing. I remember the first time when he did it my body couldn't sustain the pain and that resulted in me having a loose bowel I messed myself so bad and she was left to clean me up. She did with tears in her eyes she did with a little prayer:
"God please lower your hand and have mercy" she was the best thing that ever happened to that house. I pray that one day she makes it out I pray that her God will save her from that Devil's house..
I felt someone shaking me..
Her: Tiger wake up!
It was my Girlfriend Lolitha..
I extended my arm and got her she laid her head on my chest as my heart was busy beating fast.. Over the years I have managed to build a new life for myself. I had left the military in hopes to never keep in contact with my Family ever again or have them track me down..
The reason why they call me Tiger is because I have a huge tattoo of a tiger's face covering my back I wanted it to cover those scars that my father left me with..
Loli: Do you want a glass of water?
Me: Ya.. I think we should go and get that
Lolitha and I have been dating for almost 3 years now she's a very nice girl and her family accepted me as one of their own. I feel very lucky to have her in my life I wouldn't want to share my love with anyone else other than her... I am a tattoo artist my little business is doing well it pays the bills and I want to grow it further make it more than what it is right now. Lolitha doesn't know anything about my past and my family I have hidden my real identity from her her family and the friends that I have. I don't want anyone knowing me because I don't want my Family tracking me down at the end of the day People extend gossip to others. The only person that I still keep in contact with is my Brother Jojo he comes to visit me every now and then I also visit him at times but only when his girlfriend is not around he also visits my place when Lolitha is not around..
She got me the glass of water..
Me: Thank you
Her: Same nightmare?
Her: What is it about?
I shrugged my shoulders..
Me: I already told you Loli.. It's the same shit a lion chasing me and at the end devouring me
I drank the water I've been lying to her about this nightmare thing..
Her: Maybe you should see someone maybe this dream means something I mean every night it's the same dream maybe your ancestors are trying to communicate with you or something
Me: Yeah right
Her: Peaches I'm serious.. I'm very worried about you
I sighed deafed..
Me: Fine I will see someone
Her: I'm serious T.. You hardly sleep at night because of this dream
The nagging was becoming a bit annoying now..
Me: Mom I'll go and see someone I promise
Me: Thank you
Her: For what?
Me: For being you.. And I'm sorry
Her: Sorry for?
I poured her with the remaining water..
Her: T what the hell?
Me: That's me getting back at you for.. You know
Her: You had to do it now? At night? Gosh!
She took off her PJ top leaving me to stare at her small firm breasts her nipples were hard probably from the coldness of the water..
She wiped herself with the PJ top busy going in circles around her breasts she then looked at me busy admiring the moment. She threw the Pj top at me and walked away I followed her to the bedroom but she blocked me from entering..
Her: You taking the couch
Me: What? Come on!
She slowly closed the door..
Me: Don't play like that open the door
Her: Goodnight Peaches
Me: You can't lock me out of my own bedroom what's wrong with you?
She didn't say anything..
Me: At least give me my phone then a Pillow and a duvet
There was total silence..
She opened door and gave me the pillow together with my phone..
Me: Locking me out of my bedroom that's messed up!
Her: I love you too.. Goodnight peaches
I didn't argue with her I went straight to the couch..
The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is to feed my two pitbulls before going out for a jog. My mornings start exactly at 05:30am with a jog around the neighborhood..
When I got out of my yard before I could even start stretching and preparing for my jog Paparazzi was already getting close. This is the very first time that they have come to my place I don't even know how they bypassed the security because the neighbourhood is private residences. security is supposed to be tight. I really wasn't expecting this especially at this time of the morning. I put on my hoodie hat I was wearing a sleeves hoodie then I started with my jog. Unfortunately I had forgotten my headsets they would've made it easier for me to ignore them . It was 3 of them two were taking pictures and one was doing a video..
The one doing a video caught up with Me..
Him: Jojo good morning.. How are you feeling this morning?
In this type of situation Tashi will always say "Just ignore they trying to get a story from you". I tried my out most best to ignore him..
Him: Do you think the awards were fair last night?
I still ignored him..
Him: How do you feel that a not so popular drama won?
I stopped and looked at him..
Me: Leave me alone
I started walking and he walked next to me keeping a distance between us..
Me: Nditheni wena Saan? (what did I say)
Him: I just wanna know your take on why a not so popular drama won the award over the most watched and loved drama in SA are you losing your touch?
Me: Kwedini sundiqhela ikaka va? (don't fuck with me)
I made my way to him as he took a few steps back..
Me: Sundiqhela (Don't fuck with me)
Him: I just wanna know what-
I upped my pace..
Him: What? You gonna hit me now?
As he was walking backwards he tripped and fell I grabbed his phone from his tight grip and threw it far while he's friends were busy taking pictures..
Me: I will break your jaw right here and right now! Wena saan try me!
He was in a foetal position and protecting his face by covering it with both his hands..
I heard one of my Neighbours calling out.
Her: Jojo is everything okay?
Me: If I ever spot you around my neighbourhood again I will break your jaw do you hear me?
I kicked him a little..
Me: Voetsek godukani! (leave)
Neighbour: Jojo what's going on?
It was Mrs Williams.. She tied her robe while making her way to the other two..
Her: No no no.. You can't do that here! Please this is a private residence
I kicked him again..
Me: Ndithe vaya saan! (I said leave)
Mrs Williams came back to us and helped him up..
Her: You not supposed to be here this is a private residence
Him: What about my phone? He broke my phone
Her: Sir Please leave.. Take your friends and leave or else I'm calling the police and let them know that you trespassing
Paparazzi 2: But We witnessed Jojo attacking him we took pictures! We have proof
Paparazzi: Just because you rich and famous doesn't mean you should treat people like this!
Mrs W: Gentleman please leave it's very early in the morning you not supposed to be hanging around here
I moved away from them as Mrs Williams tried reasoning with them I got my phone and called Tashi:
"The subscriber you have dialed is not available please try again later"
Me: You have be fucken kidding me!!
I haven't been very forthcoming about everything that I have already put out there's one thing that I haven't mentioned. It's been a few years now or so that I have been sleeping with Isaac Ndarha but not according to my own free will. If I remember correctly it started when I was 20 or 21 it got so bad that he caught feelings for me.. The very first time when it happened my body froze I couldn't believe that after everything he has put me through he would also result into taking advantage of me in this manner so much so that I'm thinking this the reason why he doesn't want me to move out and start my life somewhere else. I don't know how but this has been going on for too long and at some point I stopped fighting what he was doing to me emotionally I just gave in to this horrific sex affair that's going on. I mean what's use of fighting it if it's never going to stop until he says so. Although his age is no longer impressive but he is really trying to keep up his sex game he is currently using some pills to make his erection strong and have him go on for a bit longer...
The only thing I hate is that he doesn't want us to use condoms he got me some pills that I drink after sex to prevent fertilization and if fertilization has occurred it prevents implantation. He gets me the pills every month and I drink them exactly after we have had sex.. I was ontop of him with my hands balancing on his hairy chest he had his hands on my butt busy helping me to go up and down on him.. I leaned over a bit as he started making me to go up and down a bit faster than how I was going and that gave him the satisfaction of his life he moaned and groaned louder than a lion that is being stabbed on the neck.
He moved his hands and started fondling my breasts my hormones betrayed me and the pleasure started kicking in. Not forgetting my throbbing bean being slightly rubbed off against his pelvic bone. He stopped me and then got me off he had me lie back and open my legs wide so that he could make his way in. As he proceeded he started sucking my left nipple while his other hand went down and gently rubbed my bean. I grabbed on the pillow as a moan escaped my lips..
For an old man he wasn't really bad..
He moved his lips from my nipple and kissed me on the lips I kissed him back while still moaning in between..
He broke the kiss and then looked at me..
Him: Tell Daddy you want it
Me: Daddy I want it..
He hit me on the side of my thigh while increasing his pace..
Him: I can't hear you
Me: I want it!!.. I want it!! Daddy I want it!!
He got it out and went down on me he licked my juices and played around with his tongue. I felt his tongue circling around and his beard was also a bit ticklish.. He moved his tongue down to my hole and rubbed my bean with his thumb he went on and on until I was very close to coming..
I grabbed on tightly to the pillow and started moaning louder..
Me: Daddy please!!!! Ohhh yes!
He got his tounge inside my hole and continued rubbing me up until I came with my moan being louder this time around and my toes curling. When he was done he moved up and kissed me I could smell my juices from his mouth.. He inserted himself inside again and went for it he pumped faster and harder while squeezing my breasts for dear life as he came deep inside of me while moaning louder than I did..
Him: Dammit Mani!!!
When he had come he caught his breath and kissed me..
Him: That was very nice..
He kissed me again and rested ontop of me..
It would be a big mistake if he could pass out on my bed It was almost 6:30am and by now I am supposed to be in the house preparing breakfast because at exactly 8am we leaving for church. I wiped myself with the toilet paper and then flushed it down the toilet I looked at the water as tears formed.. I didn't even have to blink for them to fall. I hated myself for what was happening Umam'Nontsikelelo is going to die if she could ever find out about this I don't wanna mention how much Xolelwa is going to hate me. I want it to stop but how do I stop it? Ndarha is a ruthless man he is going to kill me if I try anything stupid he tells me that all the time..
A knock at the door disturbed me..
I wiped my tears and got out I closed the door behind me. He was buttoning his shirt while looking at me...
Him: Are you okay?
He extended his hand and wiped my tears..
I faked a smile...
Me: I'll be fine
Him: I love you very much never forget that
Me: I Lov-
I forced my throat to give me the voice to say those words..
Me: I lo.. I love you too
He leaned over and kissed me on my left eye..
Him: I will see you later at the house
He made his way to the door and I followed him I locked the door when he had gone out Then I sank down while hugging my legs and started crying.. I felt like I was going crazy and I hated my mind and my body for honouring him and betraying me into making me find this horrific act pleasurable at times.
I got up and went to the bathroom having him come inside of me made me feel dirty as always. I ran the water in the bathtub and almost poured all of my foam bath in I wanted his scent to leave me. I wanted the scent of his cologne to leave my qauter too that I took the toilet spray and sprayed all over.
I was disgusted with myself...