Xolani and I spend most of out time together since we always ignored by our family. We have been sitting here for almost 3 hours now without any of the elders coming to check on us and see if we hungry or need anything. The only thing we have witnessed so far was Aunt Thandeka driving out with her kids and then they came back with takeaways from Spur. They all went inside the house never to be heard from for a while. I looked at my Brother with a faint smile if it wasn't for him I would've long resorted to sleeping with someone just so we can be able to buy food for ourselves. Don't get me wrong I'm not implying that my Grandmother starves us but no matter how delicious the food is it always turns sour when we have to swallow because of the hurtful words that are smeared on us as gravy..
She would say and I quote "ninomfa k'phela uMamenu akalethi ngisho ne loaf yesinkwa" which is translated to "All you do is eat while your Mom doesn't even bring a loaf of bread". I mean how are you meant to enjoy food when your heart is busy being suffocated with bitter statements? That alone made me wanna go back to what I knew best so that Xolani and I could stop eating her food but my little brother said something to me which made me to back out quicker than I thought about the idea.. One time I was so mad that I carelessly uttered the words "maybe I should go sleep with someone for food just so we can have peace" I said those words in front of him and he looked at me then said. "I don't want you to do that again because I saw how much it made you sad and made you cry when that man was ontop of you back when we lived with Mom". All along I thought Xolani wasn't seeing what was happening to me I guess I was wrong..As we were sitting there we spotted our Angel on Earth from the corner holding a few plastics Xolani and I looked at each other with our hearts jumping for joy. uMam'Masango has always been our Angel she lives about 3 houses away from ours if not 4 and her Daughter is very fond of me even though she's 2 years older than me. Nomusa is like a Sister to me A sister that I never had. Xolani was the one who ran up to her first and I followed she let us hug her even though our hands were dirty from handling those stones and hitting them against the grass. Her smile has always been my hope her kindness is the reason why I believe that the world does have good people too hidden somewhere. She ran her hand on my bald head..
Her: Awii Sthandwa Sam' they cut your hair?
Me: All of it
Her: Askies.. It will grow back
We helped her with the plastics and then walked to her house..
Her: Xolani kodwa mfana wam' awuzithandi izicathula neh? (Xolani my boy you don't like wearing shoes)
My Grandmother doesn't like Mam'Masango. She doesn't like anyone who shows us kindness. Several times she has been to Mam'Masango's house busy swearing at her to leave us alone up until Mam'Masango and her husband threatened to get a restraining order against her. If she found out that we going to Mam'Masango's place she would kick us out as always..
When we got to the house we ran straight to the lounge and sat on the couch she walked in and switched on the TV for us. She pulled the small table and sat on it she took Xolani's leg and checked his foot for any bruises..
Her: Xolani you must start wearing your shoes look at your feet
Me: I told you
Mam'Masango looked at him..
Xolani: Singaza sizohlala nawe? Ugogo akasifuni (Can we come and live with you our Grandmother doesn't want us)
Her: Ngiyaxolisa Xola noma bengifisa ukuthi nizohlala nathi la kodwa angeke nikhone (I am so sorry Xola even if I wanted you guys to come and live with us but that can't happen)
Xolani: Ngoba? (why)
Her: It's complicated. Kodwa uzokhula then you'll understand why
She looked at me..
Her: I know life is difficult for you guys but one day things are going to be different. I promise
Mawe: Yazi ngiyaziqhenya ngo Thati (I am proud of Thati)
Aunty: Angeke uziqhenye njengami (You can't be more proud of her than I am
Mawe: She has brought a light into this house
Aunty: My child is blessed
A moment passed by where they were quiet..
Aunty: Kuyakanjani la ekhaya? (How are things going here at home)
Mawe: Ahhh.. Things are still the same nothing has changed
Aunty: uSandy yena? (What about Sandy)
I stopped washing the dish to hear what she was going to say about me this time around..
Mawe: Hai! uSandy has definitely inherited her Mother's curses. Nothing of hers is going well. Look at her cousin Thati she has a good job and tomorrow they paying lobola for her
Aunty: Does she have any hope of going back to school?
Mawe: Ayonyenzani? (To do what)
Aunty: Hau Ma.. Usho ukuthi akusazameki? (You telling me that she's not even trying)
Mawe: Didn't you hear what I said Thobile? Sandy will never go anywhere in life she has inherited her Mother's curses. Look at you you're a Nurse. Your only Daughter Thati made you proud she followed in your footsteps. You paved a way for her.. I tried with Sandy but ke..
Aunty: Manje uSandy uyodla wena aze ayofa? (Sandy is going to be dependent on you until she dies)
Mawe: Kusho khona phela (It seems that way)
I heard someone between them clapping their hands..
Mawe: Angazi nje ukuthi benicabangeni nize ningithwese isqalekiso esingaka salaba ntwana baka Winnie (I don't know why this family put soo much burden on me)
Tears streamed down my cheeks..
Parents and Guardians should be our biggest supporters and motivation in life no matter what happens they should be the ones to always encourage us and give us strength to continue through. They should be loving us and protecting us from the heart of this cruel world..
Just like everyone else I also had dreams... Mam'Masango made me to fall in love with engineering. Before she was certified medically unfit to continue working she was working as an electrical engineer. Having her tell me all about her job made me to fall in love with the field. I purposed deep down that one day I'll be an engineer too she was my role model as I was growing up. I wanted to grow up and be exactly like her.. I have never met such a wonderful person like her.
School for me was going okay until grade 10 physical sciences and Mathematics really took a toll on me. Worse our physical science teacher wasn't so good when it came to teaching the subject.. I made it through grade 10 but I failed physics I made it through grade 11 still failing it up until matric. I just kept on failing it no matter how hard I tried. Physical sciences remained my biggest downfall. After failing it in matric I supplemented Yes I passed it but only with 30% and my Math results too weren't so impressive. Seeing that physics and maths played a huge role in engineering my Grandmother made it clear to me that I'm not going to make it. No matter how much I believed in myself she just had a way to discourage me and I ended up closing that chapter in my life of wanting to be an engineer someday. Things that she used to say were very heartbreaking. She went as far as calling me stupid and telling me that I'll be lucky to even get a job as a cleaner.. Currently I am working for my friend Nomusa she owns a salon and gives me R1000 a month it doesn't do much when I have to use some of that cash for transport..
Things for me have been difficult so much so that I don't think I'll ever make it. I thought by now something would've came up but things have gone from bad to worse. I've tried applying for jobs without any success I really don't know where my life is headed..
I learned to be independent at the age of 18 when I packed up everything of mine and left my Parent's house for good. I will never forget the tears that my Mother shed when I opened that door and walked out forever.
I'm 27 years old now and I have never went back home. Not even for a visit. I come from a family that is perfect if I can put it that way my parents are successful and so is my big brother. My Father was a very difficult Man he only wanted perfection from me and mh Brother unfortunately I couldn't give him that. When I left home I had failed grade 10 for the 3rd time and I knew that he was going to give me hell about it. He had plans for me unfortunately I couldn't give him that. When I left home I had failed grade 10 for the 3rd time and I knew that he was going to give me hell about it. He had plans for me and he had chosen a career path for me as a well. He said I needed to settle for something that was going to get me a job at the end of the day he wanted me to pick something in the medical field..
I wouldn't say that I was dumb nor was I a bright student grade 10 just showed me flames. With my Father constantly breathing down my neck I was suffocating. I knew that I could never amount to what he wanted me to be so the best way was for me to leave. This school thing was even starting to create some tension between us months would go by without him talking to me. In his words and I quote "I am disappointed to have a child that doesn't want to amount to anything in life". There was no use to keep on trying when he had already given up on me..
My dreams are slightly different from what others want. Never in a million years did I ever dream of waking up everyday and going to work. I wanted a flashy life one that was going to be provided for me by men with loaded wallets. I'm very inspired by women like Faith Nketsi Kim Kholiwe and so forth. I'm not saying they depending on Men to provide for them but parts of what they attained at some point they had loaded guys behind them. That's the life I want I want to be a glorified queen and have be provided for instead of me working hard everyday.. My goal right now is to join some agency which is ran by some woman who goes by the name of "Ms Rich". She has call girls who "entertain" rich Men and they making a lot of money from doing that. I stalk them on Instagram they really living the life. Not so long ago they were in Dubai and about a few month ago they were bought expensive cars.
What I've seen is that they have almost the same bodies you know big ass flat tummy big tits. That's what they use to get by and if I could work on my body right now I know that Ms Rich will definitely give me a contract..
Currently I am renting a flat somewhere in Johannesburg that's being paid for by my Minister of Finance. I think the story is pretty clear he is not being satisfied sexualy by his wife so I take care of his sexual needs while he takes care of me financially. This is how I've managed to live from the age of 18 up until now. I have a salon on the side it's not making much with all this competition around but it does provide for me here and there...
I heard him exhaling..
Him: Again? I thought you said this time around you were on contraception
Me: Those things are not 100% safe nawe uyakwazi lokho (You know that)
Him: Fine I'll send you the money for abortion but please this has to stop. You have had a lot of abortions now
Me: I know
Him: I'll transfer the R3000 now
Me: Thank you
I hung up..
I wasn't really pregnant I just wanted extra money from him to hit the club later tonight and tomorrow night. On weekends I am always going out clubbing with friends. I don't really care who says what about me this is my life my vagina and it puts food on the table for me so fuck what people say about me.. I don't care..
I wiped my hands when I was done washing the dishes. This is the second time I'm washing dishes this morning without the help of anyone.. The door opened and my Brother walked in. Xolani is 21 now and we are no longer that tight as how we were back when we were young. He has resorted to weed and drugs as a coping mechanism that's what drove us apart. As always he looked high he was very untidy and had a bit of some bad odour..
His lips were dry and had white patches..
He took off his hat. Despite his addiction Xolani remains the most humble soul. You can yell at him until next year comes and he won't say anything. He will just keep quiet and wait for you to finish. My Grandmother always accuses him of stealing her money I am not going to defend him but in all honesty. I have never seen nor caught him stealing anything around the house.. He went to the bread tin and looked for bread there were a few slices. My Grandmother walked in..
She paused when her eyes landed on Xolani..
Mawe: Sowubuyile.. Uqedile ukudla ipilisi (You are back now from doing drugs)
Xolani remained quiet..
Mawe: Thobile!!! (Yelling)
I knew this wasn't going to go well..
Mawe: We Thobile!! (Yelling)
My Aunt came through..
Aunt: Yini? (What is it) Thati is sleeping keep your voice down
Mawe: Awuke usincede ntombazana yam' imali Yama lobola ksasa sibekele noma yi R5000 or R10 000 please. Nayi into izofa ende mina anginamali (Please help us my Daughter. Some of the lobola money for tomorrow please save up even R5000 or R10 000. This thing is going to die and I don't have money to bury him)
My Aunt folded her arms and looked at him..
Aunty: Ubuyaphi wena? (Where have you been)
Xolani squeezed his hat for dear life close to his chest..
Him: Bengilokho ngikhona langaphandle Auntiza (I was always outside)
Mawe: Unamanga! (You lying)
Aunty: I can just tell that you were doing drugs it's 11am Xolani maan Sies!!
Mawe: Mina I'm tired.. When are you dying vele? Die already Xolani maan!! My BP cannot be unstable because of you!! Ngizogcina ngifile (I'll end up dying)
No matter what my Brother is now but he is my blood. It pains me a lot when they do this to him..
Aunty: Mina vele count me out. Some of us worked hard and I raised my kids to be what they are today. Winnie only cared about Men and alcohol she never not even once thought about her kids!!!
Mawe: I will die one day and both of you are going to suffer a great deal
Aunty: uSandy naye nje..
She looked at me..
Aunty: You and Thati grew up together as Sisters look at where she is today and look at where you are. Tomorrow they paying lobola for her her life is moving. Wena nex nje awuzami nakancane (You not even trying)
Mawe: Uzozama kanjani angene shiqi kule ngane kaMasango (How can she try when she is best friends with Masango's Daughter)
Aunty: Usahamba nalesa sfebe eskhulu? (She is still friends with that harlot)
Mawe: They are very tight.. Everyday she gets into a taxi and goes to her lapha eJozi
Me: I work at her salon
Mawe: Unamanga Maan!! Uyela amadoda lapha! (You are lying! You are going there to sleep with men)
Aunty: Sies! You are a disgrace to all the women who survived rape. How can you freely open up your legs knowing very well what you went through as a child!! Kusho ukuthi nje umkhuba wakho ukuthanda amadoda (You have made it a habit to sleep with different men)
She touched a very sensitive subject and opened up wounds that I'm desperately trying so hard to heal. My eyes immediately got filled with tears..
Me: Kodwa I don't even have a boyfriend I'm not sleeping with anyone
Mawe: Yeka amanga!! You can't be best friends with a whore while you not whoring yourself!!
Xolani: Mara Mamzo uSandy uyazi ukuthi akazenzi lezo zinto (But Ma you know Sandy doesn't do those things)
Aunty: Voetsek!!! Voetsek wena!!! Voetsek ntshangwini (Crack head)
Mawe: Manje ukhalelani? (why are you crying)
Aunty: Ukhaliswa ubufebe!! (Whoring is what's making her to cry)
I wiped my tears..
Aunty: Akushonangwa la!! Ungazokhala kanje usilethela amabhadi (No one died here.. Stop crying like that you inviting bad luck for us)
I wanted to stop but it was difficult tears kept on falling. My Aunt walked up to me and attacked me physically she threw me against the wall and started punching me..
Aunty: Ngithe akukho umuntu oshonile la! Uzolethela uThati amabhadi ksasa (I said there's no one who died here you'll only be inviting bad luck for Thati tomorrow)
Mawe: Nalento esentloko yiyo emenza afebe! (That hairstyle is the one that's making her a whore)
My Aunt started pulling my braids..
Aunty: ngoba nangu wena uyintandane Ucabanga ukuthi mele uzenzele umathanda thina sithule (Just because you an orphan you must do as you like and expect us to keep quiet)
Xolani came to my rescue..
Xolani: Auntiza ima kancane (Aunty wait a minute)
My Aunt picked up a pot from the dishes that I washed and he hit Xolani with it I swear that she broke his arm. I heard something snapping. If he didn't stand in front of me that pot would've landed on me. I walked backwards until we were at the door and I opened the door..
Xolani: Kanti why thina mele siphathwe kanje? (Why are we being treated like this)
We made our way out..
Xolani: Nathi singabantu siphatheni kahle (we also human beings treat us better)
Aunty: Maningafuni ukuphathwa so.. Hambani ke (If you don't want to be treated like this.. Then leave)
This was my first time seeing Xolani talking back and being emotional..
Xolani: Singabantu nathi! Ningas'phathisi okwezilwane (We are human beings too don't treat us like animals)
My Aunt and my Grandmother walked out My Aunt picked up stones and threw them at us while my Grandmother was swearing at us. They even walked us up to the gate and it was embarrassing because people were starring at us as we were being mistreated like this..
Mawe: Niyizinja!! (You are dogs)
Xolani was crying uncontrollably now..
Xolani: Ningasenzi so (Don't do this to us)
I pulled him by his t-shirt..
Me: Bayeke (Leave them)
Mawe: That's why you two will never succeed in anything!! Anihloniphi nokuhlonipha (You not even respectful)
Aunty: Iziqalekiso zezinja!! (Bloody dogs and curses)
My Grandmother spat on the ground..
Mawe: Angeke niphumelele.. Ngiyaniqalekisa! (You won't succeed.. I am cursing you)
Aunty: Nibadala kangaka nisadla uMa! (At this age you still dependant on my Mother)
Mawe: Niyophumelela mhla ngifile!! (You will succeed in life the day I die)
This is so heartbreaking...
Oh this is heartbreaking, some families no man.