Ntombi It has been a month since that terrible ordeal. My body has healed about 90% now and I can finally do chores around the house to keep myself busy. There is peace at home since and I think that things are beginning to go back to normal. Bonga attends a support group for men who abused/abuse their partners. Men who regret ever lying a hand on their ladies. I must say there is a lot of change in his behaviour since he started going to their meetings. He has his moments of becoming angry but instead of hitting me like he did before he goes out to cool off and return when he is good again. He has also tried to get me to be intimate with him a few times but I do not want to. I no longer have such desires for him. We sleep in the same bed and the lack of intimacy has not bothered either of us. I don't want to be touched in the name of love by the same hands that beat me and he did not want to sleep with someone with no rhythm in bed. It was a win-win situation. I have been coming up with excuses every time he tried his luck. I thought that now would be a good time to tell him that I knew about the cost of getting me new replacement documents. He came out of the room already dressed to go to work. Me: “Bonga” he turned turned to face me. Bonga: “My Everything” he said with a smile and kissed me. Me: “The prices for an ID and Matric Certificate have lowered since the last time you saw it” I said in a whisper. He clenched his jaw and I knew I had pressed a button. Bonga: “And a know nothing like you knows that how?” he said in and agitated tone of voice. Me: “Will it did not take much for the name calling to start” I mumbled to myself. Bonga: “What?” he said while holding his ear. Me: “I saw a newspaper article in one of the newspaper I was using to wipe the windows. The total is less then R500 instead of the old price of thousand of rands”. He looked at me for a while without saying a word. I thought he could smell my lies. He is a liar so perhaps he would know when another person is lying. Bonga: “Well I do not even have R100 on my name. I can not borrow money because I am already in deep debt. You will have to wait to wait until I am sorted. Between rent food transport and debts I have nothing ;left of my pay” he said while taking out the inside of his pockets. Me: “I could always go and look for a cleaning job. Usually they do not want ID and Matric copies for those.” I said with slight excitement because I already had a way to raise the money. Bonga: “I said I will give it to you. Just wait a while longer” he lied. Me: “Okay” I said pretending to believe his lies. Sindi: “Chomee!” she shouted from outside before she appeared on our door. Me: “Hello Sindiswa” I said with a smile. Bonga: “Sindi” he said in annoyance. Sindi: “Friend I have come to ask you for a huge favour. It is registration day at university and I do not want to stand in those long lines alone. Please come with me. I have food packed so we won't starve” she begged. I looked at Bonga. Bonga: “Didn't you say you were in pain?” he asked while looking at me. The thought of me having friends freaked him out for a reason. Sindi: “Take your pain medicine I also know that fresh hair is a natural pain reliever. Pretty please don't let me suffer in those lines alone. I'll even go on my knees if need be” she really knelt down before me. Bonga: “If you no longer feel pain you can go with her” he said sounding unsure of his words. Me: “Really?” I said with excitement too much excitement. Sindi: “Not like you needed his permission anyway” she looked at Bonga and rolled her eyes. Me: “Let me go get dressed” I was almost hopping to the bedroom in happiness. I can not remember the last time I was out. Well I will be standing in line for hours on end but I will not be in this house. I wore a decent looking dress. Dresses are all that I wear and very oversized ones at that because Bonga buys my clothes. He does not want me to wear what other people my age wear. I tied my afro in a bun put vaseline on my lips and made my way to the door. Bonga: “I do not like this friendship with this girl. She will turn you into a loose girl when you hang out with her too much. This is the last time you go somewhere with her” he said in a threatening tone. Me: “Okay” I said trying to avoid saying things that might lead to an arguments. Bonga: “I love you” Me: “Me too” I lied. Sindi: “Ntombikayise let us go while it is still early so we can return quickly” so we can return quickly” she shouted from the lounge. I left Bonga standing there and made my way to her. We walked to her home which was three houses away from ours also and RDP but one that was now bigger than the others. It was so beautiful inside and neat. She told me that I could not go out with her looking like a granny especially not since there will be a lot of hot varsity guys. She is much slender than me so her clothes would be too small for me. She went to another room and shouted for me to follow her. I did and walked into a yellow painted beautiful bedroom. Hers is beautiful too but not like this one. Sindi: “This is my big sister’s room. She is studying far so she will not mind us borrowing her clothes. I think her clothes will fir you” she said while pulling the sides of my dress making it hug my body. Me: “Bonga will not like this. He is a rural boy and prefers his women in decent clothes” Sindi: “Firstly he is not the boss of you secondly we will go by car thirdly it is a sin that you are hiding these curves. I will not make you dress like a street girl I respect you too much and my sister does not have such clothing. I hope Bonga is not those men who want a decent girl at home and cheat with girls who wear the clothes he forbids you from wearing or even worse. Me: “Okay let me see what she has” I said trying to stop her from speaking about Bonga. She took out a few clothing items. Her sister had real style and a touch of elegance too. I tried on a few of the clothes and they fit like a glove. I felt so beautiful I have never felt beautiful. We settled for black high waisted jeans and a red top. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I still had my curves. The clothes brought them out so beautifully. Sindi could not stop complementing me saying she will start doing squats to get a perfect behind like mine. We finally finished after her dad had been waiting for us for such a long while now. Seeing Sindi's father reminded me of my own father. I miss him so much but I am sure I am as good as dead to him after what I had done to him. We finally arrived at UWC I have never seen so many people at one place in my life. Young beautiful people. A few guys kept on turning their heads when we passed them and I'm sure all the attention was for Sindiswa. She asked around and we finally stood in the correct line. I can't wait until I am the one registering. Sindi said I can apply for the second semester if I don't want to wait until next year. A few guys tried their luck on me and I could not believe other men notice me. After being told I am ugly by Nomvula and then Bonga the mind believed it. I liked the attention but I did not allow myself to be charmed. The day went on well and Sindi managed to get all her things done she was finally a first year student at UWC. Her excitement rubbed off on me and I also got excited. She gave me R100 to thank me for going with her. I accepted it I had even forgotten what how money felt in the hand. I will have my own savings and not bother Bonga. It was a good day filled with laughter and meeting new people. I could not even take the numbers of the group of girls that we met because I had no phone. At least Sindi will have people to hang out with at school. Poor girls thought that I will also be attending class next week and neither Sindi nor I corrected them. Sindi's father came to pick us up again. I changed into my oversized dress thanked Sindi for a good day and left. I'm glad we were able to come home around the same time I usually cook dinner. I was tired but I gathered the strength to prepare dinner. I hummed Lira's “FEEL GOOD” while chopping veggies. My happiness did not last long. Bonga stormed into the house almost breaking the door and pushed me against the wall. His hand tightened around my neck as he held me up against the wall. I was trying my best to hit his arm in order to free myself from his grip but failed. I was struggling to breath I became weaker by the second. I'm sure tonight would be the day this man will kill me I thought to myself. He loosened his grip and flashed his phone in my face. I was greeted by a picture of me standing with one of the varsity guys who were trying my luck. Bonga: “I knew you were a slut. You are even wearing the clothes only a slut would wear. You can foget about getting money from me to pay Home Affairs I will not pay for you to go be a loose thing at that damn university” he shouted in my face. His breath a mixture of beer and tobacco. I could even feel the little droplets of saliva hit my face while he spoke. Me: “You would know what a loose girl dresses like because you lay with them. I was not expecting you to give me money anyway. Do you think that I believed a single word that comes from your rotten mouth? I hate you Bonga” I said bravely. I do not know where I got the courage to say all of that but it was out and all I can do now is wait for the consequences. Bonga: “That boy gave it to you so good that you now have the guts to speak to me like that. Was the sex so good Ntombi?” He tore my dress open in half he did it with such ease one would swear it had an invincible zip. He licked my neck and I have never been more disgusted. The R100 that I put in my bra flew out and landed on the floor. He claimed that it was from that guy I was in the picture with paying me for my sexual services. He slapped me a few times and continued to run his filthy fingers over my body. I knew that he was about to force himself on me. I fought him off but that seemed to only put fuel on the fire. He unzipped his pants and forced his tongue into my mouth it felt like I was in my own personal hell. I was not only going to be a victim of emotional and physical abuse but only a victim of rape. I don't even have happy thoughts that I could think about to escape my reality. There was suddenly a loud annoying knock. He stopped when he realized that it was his drunk loud friends. Bonga would do just about anything for his good for nothing friends. He told me to go to the room and get dressed. I ran out of there as quickly as I could. I might have been able to get free this time around but I know that I will not always be so lucky. I got to the room locked the door behind me and I wept. Soon there was so much noise on the other side of the door. It was loud deep voices girls and loud music. I knew it was his friends and perhaps some prostitutes. It's not the first and not the last time it has happened. I was back to square one I no longer have money. I sat on the floor and I gave up on ever getting out of here. Aside from not having money I'm not going to bother Sindi with my troubles when she is going through such a happy phase I her life. I will suffer in silence like I have since I was a child. This moment of my life is called “GIVING UP”. Giving up on life itself. I went to my drawer to take painkillers. I looked at the full container of pills and all of me wanted to take them and just die. I took them one by one without water even chewed some to quicken the process. I got most down and laid on my back waiting for them to work. I felt drowsy fast. My eyes were beginning to close and the noise has started to fade of into a distance. I must admit the giving up moment felt good in a way. Knowing that soon I would be free from the burdens this life has given me was satisfying. I heard a knock on the door before I passed out.

Write your opinion

Andrea 2019-02-03 10:41:02

Ending your life is not a solution.. you could have talked to sindi maybe should would have helped

Nelly 2019-02-01 01:52:29

I don't gt it why she can't run away.... is nt like de guy is taking care of him

Zenani 2019-01-27 22:21:09

The guy is a devil yhooo

Nonku Nonhlanhla nzilana 2019-01-26 14:44:33

I love this book already. I can't wait to read the rest of it. I must say nonkosi you've got me hooked like with all your other books