Ntombi The day of my first appointment has come. I'm suddenly filled with doubts about whether or not I should go. The thought of talking to someone about what is bothering you is not easy. I'm am naturally a person who keep things to herself no matter how pained I am. Being a rural girl you were programmed into believing that a woman holds the knife by the sharp end meaning that no outsider is suppose to know your business. When something is killing you on the inside find a way to deal with it instead of crying because that will not solve the problem. Speaking to a stranger about my demons is goes against all that I was taught to believe. I have never not once considered killing myself. I lost my mother at a young age was mistreated by my step mom got abused by my lover yet never have I thought of ending my life. The fact that I was able to do it indicated to me that I had reached the edge. I'm not going to leave Bonga I can't. He is my lifeline my means of living. If I leave him I will most likely end up like those ladies who sleep under bridges and occasionally sell their bodies for food and drugs. I'm sure they too have their demons to deal with and that is why they ended up like that but I do not want that life. When Bonga is sober and does not see his friends for a while he is a better person. He is a good person. Yes he lies cheats and hits but I know that he is good. He has been undecided about whether I'm allowed to go see Mrs Bam or not and I had to keep on reminding him that if he does not agree I will be locked up in a suicide watch centre though I knew it was not going to happen. He even told me what to tell the lady when she asks certain questions to a point where he drew up a list of possible questions that she might ask and answered them himself and made me rehearse it. I played along and I might even do as told because though he will not be with me in the room the thought of him finding out that I spilled the beans to the therapist terrified me. He would teach me a lesson I'm sure not to forget. I was ready and standing by the door waiting for Bonga to drive me. He does not usually take this long to get ready sometimes he does not even bother bathing so I knew that he was stalling. He was trying to make me late for my appointment so that I don not have much time with the lady. I waited patiently because I did not want to upset him to a point where he locked me in the house it has happened many times before. He finally appeared and said we could go. We stepped out of the house and into the car. He bought himself an old run down car from his friend. I swear these friends of his are making a fool of him. All of them drive decent cars and live in those decent township houses. I know that he is either in business with them or work for them but one clearly notices that they get a better cut of the profit. I still do not know what he does and I have decided that the less I know the better. That way when it is illegal and the police question me to a point where they strap me to a lie detector test machine I would not have to worry because I really would know nothing. I'm sure it will not come to that but my wild dramatic imagination has me preparing for whatever. We finally arrived at Hout Bay where Dr Zim said the lady's office was. My heart started to beat faster when Bonga parked the car. The car came to a standstill and neither of us spoke or moved. Bonga: “Ntombi” he said my name in a soft yet dominating tone. “Here comes the what will you say to her?” question again I thought to myself. Me: “Mmm?” I said while looking at him. Bonga: “I trust you. I hope that you are slowly leaning to trust me too since I have not had an episode in a while now” he said while tapping the steering wheel. He had not had an episode because I have not opened my mouth about what he said push his buttons that's why. I was not about to say that out loud and give him a reason to have an episode though. Me: “It is still early days Bonga. I am nervous enough about today so please do not add more emotions on me” I said in a pleading tone of voice. Bonga: “You will be fine. These people just want to make money of you. They do not care about our issues.” Me: “We are not paying her cent” he laughed. I hate it when he does that. Bonga: “Oh Ntombi. I forget how dumb you can be. Do you think she would be living in Hout Bay if she did not get paid by someone. We are not paying her but the government is and it must be a lot of cash” he said looking at the building and in a tone I did not like at all like he just had a lighbulb moment. Me: “Let me go before you insult me more. See you” I said and opened the door but he stopped me I turned to face him. Bonga: “I'm sorry. I wanted to give you this before you go” he said taking out a R200 note from his shirt's pocket. “This is what I have so far to save for your ID and Certificate. It is not enough but I want you to keep it so that you will know just how seriously sorry I am about everything. I will give you the rest when I have more. I'm showing you in action that I have changed” Me: “Thank you so much. I will keep it safe.” I said with a smile. Bonga: “You deserve it baby” he smiled and kissed me. We said our goodbyes and I made my way in. I suddenly felt hopeful. Maybe our relationship is going back to how it used to be. I looked at the R200 and put it in my bag. I was so excited. I went into the beautiful building asked the security where Mrs Bam's office was. He told me to go to the lady at reception. The receptionist was friendly and told me it was on the 6th floor. I thanked her and was about to walk up the stairs when she suggested the lift. I have never been in one and I told her. She asked one of the young men who passed to take me up. We stepped into the decently lit and sized life. The door closed and I felt it start to move up. “You can open your eyes and let go of my hand now mam” said the young man with a smile. I opened my eyes and realized I had been holding his hand tightly too tightly. I apologised and he said it is okay. He even took me to where I needed to be. I went in and found another receptionist lady. How many of them does this place have? She told me to go sit down and wait a bit. I went to sit on the grey chairs. The place smelled good and looked even more beautiful. The door behind the reception desk flew open a gentleman and a lady walked out. The man left and my name was called. I swear my heart was going to come out of my mouth well that is how it feels like. I stepped into the yellow painted room

well that is how it feels like. I stepped into the yellow painted room well it was a combination of yellow and lime a beautiful calming colour. I looked at the middle aged woman who introduced her as Mrs Bam. I had no doubt that she is related to Dr Zim. She knew who I was already. She asked the lady at the front desk to make us coffee. I stood like a weird statue in the center of the room when she told me to sit on the blue couch and get comfortable. She started to make conversation to break the ice and I must admit she is good. I had stopped sitting a stiff pole and even smiled once or twice. The session went well. She shared her entire story even things her daughter don't know about. I couldn't help but shed a few tears actually I wept. All the incidents that she had with her husband I've had with Bonga. She couldn't have children after Zimkitha because her husband kicked her stomach when she was pregnant with her second born she miscarried and was also never able to have more children. We were both crying so much. I opened up about Nomvula's abuse but not Bonga's. She couldn't understand how a woman a mother could do to a child what Nomvula had done to me. After crying until both our eyes were sore and swollen she asked me a very unexpected question. Mrs B: "Tell me more about your late mother. I've heard about every family member but not her. I know she's late but I know she is still a part of your life even if it's through memories" she said and I looked down. Me: "I don't remember much about her" I answered. Mrs B: "I'm sure there are snippets somewhere in that memory box in your mind. Sit back and introduce your late mother to me through your eyes" she said with a smile. I don't know how this is supposed I help but I was not about to argue with a professional. Me: "Wow uMama!" I said with a smile trying to take my mind back to when you was a little girl. "She was a beautiful woman. Always so well dressed and I was also well dressed though we were struggling at home. Her madam used to give her old clothes for herself and me. I remember there were those tight fitting skirts in those clothes those could never go pass her hip because her boss was a slim white lady and Mama a curvy African queen" I laughed at the memory of my mother trying on those skirts. Mrs B: "Oh my goodness she sounds like a woman that I would love to have gotten to know. I love beautiful clothes just beautiful everything. Can you remember her scent?" Me: "She smelled sweet like flowers but it was not too overpowering. She had that perfume with the little ball like thing attached to the bottle. She would spray it in mid air and stand beneath the rain of perfume. I always thought its a waste but she would smell lovely and our house too. She was a lady but yho she could flip from the life she adopted from her white madam to a rural woman quickly. She also liked putting on calamine lotion on her face she said it protected her skin from sun damage. It surely helped because she had radiant skin flawless in every way until she fell ill. She was just skin and bones and her skin had turned black around the cheel ar..." Mrs B: "Ntombi for now let's just talk about the good memories you have score her. I don't know if you realized but you laughed while talking about her. You've got such a beautiful laugh my baby. I'm sure the angels just smiled because they heard your laugh again. Because it seems you don't do it much. Remember Mama as the elegant lady she was I'm sure that's how she looks where she is" she said in such a motherly tone. Me: "I just miss her so much. Had she been alive I would be home now and happy. I know I would have been hap... " I broke down in tears before I could finish. Mrs B: "I know my baby. Had she had a choice she'd have chosen to stay and raise you. She would have been proud of you" she came to hug me so tightly. I swear I felt a few broken parts within me mend for a while. Me: "Would you like to see her?" I asked. Mrs B: "I would love to" she said with a smile. I quickly took a only picture I have of my mom as though Mrs B was going to tell me she had changed her mind and doesn't want to see the picture. I gave it to her and she looked at it closely. It was an old picture and was worn out but she looked at it with a smile. She held the picture closer to her face and looked at me. Mrs B: "But this is Nobandla" she said and my heart skipped a beat. Me: "Yes how did you know her?" I said shifting closer to her. Mrs B: "This was my best friend. We are from the same village. I can't believe that Nobandla has died!" she started crying. I comforted her. I waited until she had gotten over the shock of my mother's death. I do not know where my mother's from because she and my dad moved from where her home was. When I was home Nomvula used to tell me how stupid my mother was by running away with a man. I'm sure she is laughing at how I'm as stupid as my mother. My mother was better than me in that she ran away with a kind and decent man. Mrs B was about to tell me more about her relationship with my mom where they were from if my mom has family and all the other important details but my time with her ended when her next appointment arrived. I stood to leave when and she hugged me for the longest moment. She looked at me and said she finally sees the resemblance and that she doesn't understand why I'm named Ntombikayise when I look like my mother so much because usually girls who resemble their fathers are called that. She wanted to take me out to dinner to talk at a more informal setting but I knew that would cause tension between me and Bonga. I told her I'd see her at our next session we both just couldn't wait. We finally parted and I walked out with a smile on my face. I didn't take the lift again and walked down the stairs and didn't even feel tired. I found Bonga already waiting for me. He wanted to know what we talked about and I told him we spoke about how Nomvula treated me. He went on about how evil that woman is but failed to see his own evil side. I didn't tell him that Mrs B and I had a mutual person we knew which was my mother. It was a happy place that I alone want to visit. To know that I'll know more about my mother made me happy. My father preferred to never talk about her and Nomvula told me bad lies about my mother. Now I'll get to hear more and I couldn't wait. If I saw Dr Zim now I'd kiss her. She thought she's just getting me help by speaking to someone not knowing that she's given me a link to my mother's life. I know my mother was not perfect but she was a good person. I was suddenly excited to hear more and wanted to go back. Bonga and I got into the car and he drove home. The looked out the window and smiled. This moment of my life is called joy. I'm not sure how long Bonga will keep on the good act but at least now I'll have a happy place. I wish my next appointment was tomorrow!

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Zenani 2019-01-30 00:52:01

So Bonga in his stupid abusive head he believes that ukwenza an ID and certificate will cost R2000 yhooo kunzima.....I hope you find your mom's family and get a chance of being loved

Ntoer 2019-01-29 03:31:26

its only the beginning of happy moment Ntombi...don't share what u talk with Mrs B at ur session's with Bonga cz I don't trust/like him at all..that guy is bad news