Author: Nonkosi Makhosi

Discovering Real Love

Four

Bonga I can't believe that I allowed myself to be persuaded by a woman to go to some meeting where all those men do is cry tears of regret. Had it not been for my friends who reminded me that I'm a man and should act like one I'd still be on the journey of weakness. I am a man. I earned that title when I went to the mountain years ago. How could I allow Ntombi to manipulate me into sitting with boys and discuss my issues. I'm not an abuser I'm not my father. Had I been like him Ntombi would have a new bruise on her body each day as my mother had. It hurt me to see my mother suffer because of my drunk of a father. Her death hit me hard. I don't care about the death of that bastard who killed her even if he is my father. If I could I'd go to where the dead go and kill him. I don't like hurting Ntombi I love the damn girl so much. But she always makes me hit her or use hurtful words. It's little things that she does that set me off and before I know I've hurt her. I get angry when she does not cook I get angry when she asks for money for university I get angry when she calls my friends good for nothings. If she stops pushing my buttons I'd be good to her. At least I know that she can't leave me because she has no where else to go. I'm sure her parents would chase her away like a dog. We depend on each other. I know that I will never hit her to a point where her heart stops beating. The last incident scared me I've never hit her to a point where she bled. I want to stop but she doesn't respect me as her man and for a girl who comes from the rural area where women kiss the ground men work on you'd think she knows better. Well at times she forgets and I as the man of the house will keep reminding her of her place. I can't live without her parts of her reminds me of my mother. I had my friends and some girls over at the house. They had no where to go so I was not about to turn them away. These men are my partners in crime literally. We sell tik and weed for our Nigerian drug lord. The money I made when I was a security was nothing. Now I have a house and living a decent enough life. Ntombi can forget about the money for her documents. I did not go through all that trouble to destroy them only to replace them. Her behaviour today proved that she would leave me the second she smelled independence. I didn't have her followed but I know people. My best friend's little brother went there to apply too and he could not believe Ntombi looked so "sexy". So sexy that he had to take a picture and compliment me on the beauty I get to touch. I was not going to rape her. I'm a lot of things but a rapist is not one of them. I wanted to scare her and I know that I succeeded. Now I have to make sure she never sees that anorexic Sindi girl again. My boys and their company were hungry so I went to get Ntombi to prepare some meat. I turned the door nob and found the door locked. My anger rose once again. She doesn't pay a damn thing in this house yet thinks she has the right to lock doors. I banged on the dooe loudly she had better not embarrass me in front of the guys. I don't mind her disrespecting me when we're alone but she will eat dirt if she does it even the gang is around. I knocked as loud as possible no reply. I told her I'd count to three and if she has not opened the door I'd break it open and all hell will break lose. See what I mean by she makes me a horrible person? I counted to three and there was still silence on the other side of the door. I tried a few times to break the door open until it finally flung open. I can't believe the bitch is sleeping when we have guests. Vusi my friend came in. Ntombi laid on the bed with just ger underwear. I quickly covered her. Vusi: "Maybe you should share some of that since you're tired of it" he slurred because he was drunk. My jaw clenched out of anger. Me: "If I ever hear you say that again I might just forget that you're my boy" I said while pointing a finger at him. I might not want to touch Ntombi sexually because she is so boring in bed but the thought of another man having her makes my blood boil. I tried to shake her awake but no success. Vusi: "Slap the bitch awake. She needs to make that pork we love so much. Are you afraid to show her who is boss. My chick knows I say jump and she has to ask how high" I hated showing weakness in front of another man and what Ntombi is doing makes me look like a man who can't handle his woman. I slapped her cheek and expected her to jump up but nothing and I realized that something is wrong. I put my fingers against her neck and could not feel a pulse. I started to panick. I shook her again but she was like a rag doll. Vusi picked up an empty table bottle it was her pain medicine. That bottle should still be full I should know because I'm the one who collects them from our local clinic. Me: "No No No dammit Ntombikayise" I shouted when I realized that she has overdosed. I know I'm not easy to live with but to choose to die then live with me is weak. I wrapped the fleece blanket around picked her up and rushed to any car that was parked in the yard. The guys never lock their cars so I knew all were open. My drunk and high guests followed me out looking confused and annoyed. "Keys?!" I shouted. The owner of the car I chose Luja searched his pockets in panic. He found them and threw them my way. I was a bit drunk but if I don't take her myself she will die. I was both angry and scared. I got into the car and sped off. We finally got to the hospital and I ran while carrying her inside. I shouted for help and to my surprise we got help quickly. Usually in state hospitals one almost has to beg for help. They took her away I followed but that young doctor who helped treat her the last time stopped me on my tracks. Dr Zim: "What happened? It can't be her injuries causing her problems" she said almost as though she was accusing me of something. Me: "She took painkillers an entire bottle" I said trying to hold back my tears. I don't want her to die. Dr Zim: "Oh Ntombi what's wrong?" she mumbled to herself. Give me that empty tablet container. You say she took a full bottle of it?" she asked I nodded and gave her the bottle. "Wait here we will do our best" she added before running off disappearing into one of the rooms. I sat down brushed my hands together and then rubbed them on my head. I didn't know what to do with myself. I even sobered up. "I will change I will change. Just don't leave me" I said while scratching my head vigorously like a madman. People in the waiting area were looking at me like I'm crazy. I can't lose another woman whom I love my mother was one too many loses. I sleep around with whores but I love Ntombi. Maybe even to a point of slight obsession. Hours went by and it feels like I have been waiting since forever. "No news is good new" I tried to convince myself. Had she been dead they would have told me by now

so it means they are still working on her. More and more hours went by when the young doctor finally appeared. I jumped up from my seat and went to her. Me: "How is she?" Dr Zim: "Alive but weak" she replied. Me: "I'll go see her" I said walking to the direction she came from. She stopped me in my tracks and looked at me a very cold look. Dr Zim: "The patient needs rest. The psychiatrist is still with her. I suggest you come back tomorrow" Me: "I just want to se... " Dr Zim: "I said the patient is resting. You can only see her late tomorrow. You can sleep here but you're not seeing her." she said cutting me short. Me: Listen you damn cow. I will go see her whether..." Dr Zim: Bonga you don't frighte me one bit. I know men like you. I don't know what you did to her but I will find out and use all my persuasion power to convince her to make you pay. She was hurt but not suicidal. She was too excited about her future to kill herself. Your energy feels dark and I know you are responsible. Like I've said bully. I'm not afraid of you" she said while looking me straight in the eyes not a single sign of fear. I've never seen that in a woman's eyes. I was angry so I walked away before I could do something bad to her. I'm sure Ntombi told her some of our personal issues but I doubt it. She's too afraid I'm so glad that she's not like this rich Zim woman who doesn't know that a man should be respected. Tomorrow I'll be here before she can brainwash Ntombi into thinking women can speak to a man as they wish. I can't afford for Ntombi to have disrespectful city girl manners. I'm glad she's alive now I have to make sure tomorrow she gets out of this place. I need a drink and a good time with some sexy thing to let out the bad emotions I'm feeling. Tomorrow I'll get my woman and no feminist rich doctor will stand in my way. NTOMBI I came to in a hospital room and realized that I have not died. Bonga doesn't want me but he also doesn't want me to go. What a confused man! I was awake through the entire process of the stomach pumping. It was not painful or perhaps it's because the pain it caused didn't compare to that my heart was feeling. They also gave me something that made me vomit. My throat is sore. Had I known I'd survive I would not have bothered. Those pills were weak I guess. The psychiatrist has been trying to get me to speak to her since the doctor allowed her in my room I didn't. I felt too empty and ashamed. Dr Zim wanted to get Bonga to see me but I stopped her. It was as if she had realized something. She didn't ask just nodded and went out. The lady finally gave up trying to get me to open up and left me alone. The nurse would come in every other minute. They fear that I might hurt myself I guess. I stared at the ceiling when I heard the curtai open. Dr Zim came in talking in the softest voice ever. I swear this girl lives at this hospital. She just stood beside me in silence. Her arms were around me soon enough. I didn't move and she didn't speak. The level of comfort I felt in that moment took me back to my mother's hugs. You know those hugs where you feel safe? It was one of those. It took me back to the very little memories I have of my late mother. I don't remember much about her but how I felt when she was around will forever be in my memory. Not that Zim's hug was the same no one's hug could be like my mother's but it was similar in that it had warmth. I felt tears roll down the side of my face hitting the pillow. I had a void in my heart a huge one Dr Zim: "This is not how it's supposed to end Ntombi. I don't know what you're going through but it is not worth you taking your own life. I didn't see it before but now I'm certai your boyfriend has something to do with it. Now I suspect that he put you in hospital the first time too. There is plenty of help all you need to do is ask please"she said softly. Me: "I was attacked by thugs the first time and I tried to kill myself because my father disowned me my mother is dead and I have had to witness a neighbor go to school when it should have been me. Tell your mind doctor that" I said in a whisper. Dr Zim: "I'm not sure if you're trying to convince yourself or me but I'm not fooled. Parents don't stay angry at their kids for long. I will give you bus money and you can go home and fix things with them. I'm su... " Me: "Have you ever been stabbed with a fork for disciplining your sister? Have you ever had to sleep in a flee infested dog house because you came home a minute past curfew? Have you ever had to watch people eat in front of you while you're starving? Have you ever been hit to a point where you still have the scars to show for it? Have you ever had no support when you try to cry for help? Have you ever lost a mother to death? Those are just a few of the evils I've endured at home." I said while still looking at the ceiling. I could not see anything because the tears blurred my vision. Dr Zim: "No but I had no ide... " Me: "Things aren't always black and white Doc. There are grey areas too. I've never had a home. I'm not like you. Don't try to fix what you do not understand. Please go. I'm tired. Dr Zim: "I'm sorry for speaking when I don't even know half of the demons you battle with. I do... " Me: "Please go Dr Zimkitha." I shouted. She wiped her tears off apologized again and left me alone. Doesn't she get it? The help she talks about is for people of her class. She can't understand what I'm going through she never could. I'm sure she has her bad days but those are nice life problems. I appreciate her trying to help but I'll be okay. I turned on my side and cried softly. I thought about all the pain I have endured. I realized that I have been hurt since I was six years old when my dad married again. I can't speak up no one will listen. I didn't give my dad the benefit of doubt but I know the control Nomvula had on him. I don't even know if he's still alive. To say I'm sad is an understatement. People like Zim have happy life with occasional bad days. People like me just have bad days. "You're strong Ntombi. You've been through the most. Don't be weak now" I said trying to get myself to stop crying but it didn't work. I eventually cried myself to sleep. Dear Happiness and Love when will you visit my sad heart. I'd love to meet you. From Ntombi the ever broken hearted girl.

Write your opinion

Andrea 2019-02-03 05:00:56

Talking is theraptic.. seek for help my lady,it's not the end of the road.. too much love is dangerous Bonga I don't get why don't u let her go

Nelly 2019-01-31 21:09:08

You can still be happy dear jst ask 4 help, no1 will help if u don't talk

Zenani 2019-01-27 17:53:50

You need to let someone in sooner or later