I'm still trying to heal some what after that terrible ordeal that could have been avoided. There are some stubborn wounds that refuse to heal but I can not afford to lay in bed all day when I have a debt to pay. I have been back on the street selling drugs to those who want it mostly youth. The money that I have been making is just not enough. I need more but have no idea where to get it. I could go to other drug lords and offer my dealing services but that would be too risky because in this business you can only be loyal to one boss. Should one find out you have been selling drugs for others on their territory a war might break out and I will not be one of the survivors of it. I have even thought of going into other forms of crime such as bombing ATM's or cash heists but I do not have the brain to plan such and do not have money to pay people to do it for me. What I could do is go around to hear if any of these big shot thugs are in need of extra hands for their big jobs. I have tried asking my friends to help but suddenly they all have problems of their own to deal with. Neither of them are even willing to take me in. I have been living in a dump with some addict cousin of mine. I could go back to the Eastern Cape to my extended family but that won't put food on my table. I have not been able to get back at Mr Koni for injuring me but for now that is the last of my worries. I don't have money no friends and a big debt hanging over me. My hustling has also made it impossible to look for Ntombi. It seems like she is not going to come back. I miss her so much. I now know for real that I can not live without her. I'm still angry at her but I need her. I will find a way to get to her. Something tells me that the damn Doctor knows where she is. I suspect one of those homes for abused women.

Today is a usual day at the “office” for me. The merchandise that I had was selling quickly today. It's a good thing because if I go home with merchandise once again that no good cousin of mine will steal it he tried it once and I'm not about to risk making my boss lose trust in me. He already did not want me to deal when I'm hurt but I'm sure he saw just how desperate I was for the money. I'm still sore but time waits for no man. I was standing at my usual spot where my customers normally find me. A regular came to buy their usual these drugs were killing these kids but if they don't buy I don't get paid so I can not feel pity for poor decisions. Sky came rubbing his hands and occasionally scratching his face clearly needing a fix.

Sky: “My man” he said trying to shake my hand but I just looked at him without extending mine in a handshake.

Me: “I'm not touching those filthy hands” I said with disgust and he just laughed.

Sky: “I know something that you don't” he said with a smirk on his face.

Me: “Hey just buy and piss the fuck off” I shouted at him. He laughed again and I suspect that he was already high.

Sky: “Word on the street is that you are looking for your goose. What if I know where she is?” his words suddenly caught my attention.

Me: “You don't know anything. How the hell would someone like you know?”

Sky: “You forget that someone like me would walk to the ends of the world to get money for a fix. Well I walked to the end of the world yesterday and your goose was in some larny place with some old girl” he said and my heart started to beat fast. I grabbed him by his clothes.

Me: “Tell me where you saw her!” I shouted. He let himself out of my grip.

Sky: “Not so fast friend. I want something extra for my information”

Me: “I can't do that. Do you want me to get killed? Anyway how do I know that your information is real? For all I know you just trying your luck.

Sky: “Suit yourself. I'll take one bag of the good stuff” he said while rubbing his nose. He took out a few dirty notes of money.

I have no option but to take his dirty money because money is money. He gave me money and I gave him the tik he was craving for so badly. My instinct told me that he might really have seen Ntombi. He demanded extra drugs in exchange for what he has. I decided to give it to him. I will pay for it myself because I can not go back to my boss with a shortage of merchandise and cash. He will say I am stealing from him. I gave Sky his damn drugs and he told me where he saw Ntombi and this other old woman. He could not describe the woman to me but managed to tell me where he saw her. I know the place because an old colleague from my security guard days works at that complex. What would Ntombi be doing there? I did not even waste any time. I got into a taxi heading straight to that complex. I finally arrived and I was in luck to find my old workmate on duty on that day. He was happy to see me and had it been under normal circumstances I would be too but I need some information from him. I told him that I am looking for my little sister who ran away from home. I described Ntombi to him and he knew who I was talking about and judging by how fondly he talks about her I suspect that he might have feelings for her. He told me that he could not give me more information about her in terms of the house number telephone and such because he would be I trouble. He suggested that I go to the police and only then can he allow me in and take me to her. I was not about to go to no police. I asked who she is living with because I just wanted to be sure that she is safe. He told me not to worry that she could not be more safer. He said he was not suppose to tell me those details either but since I'm an old friend concerned about my little sister he would make an exception. He disclosed that Ntombi is living with Mrs Bam a kind woman who works with those who need to talk to someone. I once suspected that therapist but then it did not make any sense for Ntombi to be cared for by rich people. Why would a woman bother with a nothing like Ntombi? Or could she have offered Ntombi a job as a live in domestic worker? I was so confused. “I'm surprised your aunt did not tell you that your sister lives with her” the security added. Apparently Ntombi and Mrs Bam tell people that they are related. That could only mean that they have a closer relationship than just employer and employee. Could Mrs Bam be Ntombi's mom's aunt? Ntombi does not know much about her mother's family so it might just be possible. But if that was the case then why didn't Mrs Bam take Ntombi back home because my old friend here said Ntombi has not left. In fact he said she was inside but he can not let me in. he offered to contact her to ask if he could let me in but I said no she might run again. Which is true. If she knows that I'm aware of her whereabouts she will run again. I had to be smart about this. Make her come home on her own she might run again. Which is true. If she knows that I'm aware of her whereabouts she will run again. I had to be smart about this. Make her come home on her own but clearly I'll have to give her some motivation first. I thanked my old friend and left promising to return with law officials to come get my unruly “little sister”. I have a few favors to call in and good thing I did not waste those because now is the time to call in those favors to give Ntombi some motivation to return home to me. I might even have to chase those squatters away from my mother's shack they were renting. I did not want to continue living there after my father killed my mother in that shack but since I can't go back to my own house it will have to do. I know Ntombi will turn it into a home too she has a way of doing that. I will still make her pay for making those bastards hurt but for now I need to get her home. She belongs to me she will always belong to me.


After that powerful church service a month ago I have been going to church with Mrs B since then. I don't know how to describe what I feel when I am at church those few hours it feels as if someone was carrying my burdens for me. Mrs B says because God is doing just that but He does not just do it when I am in church but He does so everyday. It think I am starting to see what she means. What are the odds that I would be treated by the daughter of my mother's best? Clearly there is something far greater than what we can understand that is leading us. That power leads us to people and places that were meant to being our lives. Another things I have learned from going to church is that God would not give you burdens that He thought you could not handle. I have also been dreaming about my mother more I think it is because I have been thinking about her a lot.

Tonight Zim and I went to a youth church service. Tonight I'm going with Zim to a youth service. The Guilders will be leading the service. Mrs B is usually back by 3pm but it was already 16;45 and she has not come back. It is not the first time she is late but she usually calls to let me know and her phone is off. I called Zim and she said her mom probably ran into an old friend and went out for coffee. She told me to take money from the emergency cash jar she will call a cab to pick me up. I agreed but I was so nervous. I have never went somewhere alone before but at least I did not have to worry about Bonga seeing me. Zim called the house land line again to tell me that my taxi is waiting outside. I had suddenly had a bad feeling. I could not explain it but my instinct just told me that something bad would happen. Like always I decided to ignore my gut feeling. I mean what is the worst that could possibly happen at a church service? I set the alarm and made my way to the white car that stood in the driveway. The driver knew where to go since Zim told him. He was friendly and even asked for my number but I was honest with him and told him that I had no phone. We arrived at the church I paid thanked him and said goodbye before getting out of the car. I felt proud of myself for what I had just achieved even if getting on a taxi alone is normal to most people but to me it is not. Zim was already waiting at the door fro me. I asked her to call her mom again but she said that I should not worry her mom is fine. I thought the bad feeling would go away once I arrived at church because I thought it was just my nerves taking over but it was not. I took a deep breath while Zim took me by hand and led me to the seats she kept for us she likes sitting in front this one. I scanned the building for the gentleman with the nice voice but could not see him. Zim says he is from another congregation so chances of him coming to theirs is unlikely. She thought I have developed a love interest for him but that was far from the truth. I have developed a love interest for his voice. I only saw him once in fact I would not be able to identify him because I did not really get a chance to look at him. All I know is that he has a beautiful voice and that he is tall dark and handsome. Zim says his name is Liyema Elephant. Strange surname for a Xhosa man but Zim said it is a common surname. We went inside and the service started. Just when I thought the church elders were great at preaching the youth proved that they were a force to be reckoned with. The service was so powerful that I would occasionally lift up my arms in praise that has never happened before. The preacher preached about love and how we as people especially youth have the incorrect meaning of what love really is. He went on to tell us more about the love of Christ and how we will never be stripped off that love. Mrs B once mentioned something similar. I sat and cried because I have been believing the incorrect meaning of love for years. I believed that love hurts now suddenly I was hearing all the good things about love. That it is not suppose to hurt that it is suppose to be kind and all other good things. Never in the few times I've gone to church has a preacher preached to my soul. The young preacher said that all who are ready to receive and accept the love that God has been giving us should come forward. I felt my feet move me forward it was as though I had no control over them. My soul needed to seek and know the never ending love this preacher was talking about. I knelt in front with all other young people who received the word of God tonight. The preacher and other young people prayed for us. It felt like my burdens had been lifted off my shoulders. It was in that moment that I opened myself up to discovering the love of Christ. The moment where I discovered real love. The service came to an end. Zim called a taxi to take me back home again. She listened to her voice mails afterward. I stood beside her and noticed her face go pale. “Mama got hijacked on her way home we have to rush to hospital as soon as possible” she said while running towards her car. I followed behind her hoping to hear that I heard incorrectly. Mrs B hijacked? We got into the car and sped off. Neither of us caring about whether or not Bonga has her car followed. How could such a spiritually fulfilling night end on such a bad note? I was looking forward to telling Mrs B about today's milestones that achieved the biggest one being accepting Christ. I took comfort in the fact that she was in hospital it means she is still alive perhaps hurt and most definitely shocked but she still breathes or so I hope. I knew something was off but a hijacking was the last thing I would have thought of. Zim and I were both silent I'm guessing we are both confused and still in shock to hear such terrible news. I have read a lot of stories on hijacking from newspapers and how high hijacking and smash and crab crimes are in Cape Town but when it hits close to home it put a different type of reality to it. A reality I would not wish anyone or their loved ones ever experience. To know that a person you love could be badly injured just for driving a car wanted by thugs makes me sick to my stomach. Mrs B is a strong woman though I have full faith in her overcoming this.

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