Author: Nongcebo

My Identity : Imvelaphi

Chapter 4

Crompton hospital has been my second home I would rather be here than on campus I am currently in the Diagnostic radiography department which I find very interesting. I have been soo involved in this department and hospital the nurses have started calling me Dr Zee. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing though if I were to be a doctor I always think to myself.

“Are you here again? “ someone say behind me I am sitting in the eating area outside the wards I turn around to see Zama he has been here for almost a month now he was admitted after drinking himself to a pulp as a suicide attempt. He was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning which damaged most of his internal organs.

“Hi Zama” I say as I continue with browsing the net I love interior design and decorating thus I am always on Pinterest searching for inspiration.

‘When we are done kicking this degree’s ass we will become rich and I will hire you to decorate my 10 bedroom house ‘ Palesa always says

“Are you looking at houses again “Zama says while trying to sit next to me his face says he is in soo much pain.

“You see I do have a life besides coming here “ I say laughing he is one on of the people who have teased me about not having a life mind you I have only known him for 1 month.

“The doctor is discharging me tomorrow” he says in a really sad voice

“That’s great Zama you don’t sound happy though “I say giving him a concerning look

“That night before I came here I had told myself that I am done done with everything and everyone now I have to go back and face everyone and everything again” he says

Every day I am reminded of one of the Ten Commandments “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods”. Zama is an engineer finished school at 16 and graduated with his engineering degree at 20. He comes from a wealthy family basically you’d think he has his whole life figured out yet he is here in this very ward because of a failed suicide attempt.

I do not know how to answer him funny because I know it all too well. I have tried to kill myself a few times and after every failed attempt I would swear God so much for not allowing me to die. There comes a point when you are just done with everything and you want an easy way out the easy way out is usually overdosing cutting yourself or drinking liquids you are not supposed to drink.

“It won’t be easy Zama but you owe yourself to have a great life “I finally say after what felt like an hour of silence

“The last attempt was driven by the fact that I found out that I am adopted my biological mother threw me in a pit toilet “he says sniffing

I have heard these stories too many times at Juvie. This one girl was brought in because she stabbed her biological mother after she found out that she left her on the train rail.

“I have tried to kill myself soo many times that every attempt felt normal

my biological mother threw me in a pit toilet “he says sniffing

I have heard these stories too many times at Juvie. This one girl was brought in because she stabbed her biological mother after she found out that she left her on the train rail.

“I have tried to kill myself soo many times that every attempt felt normal no conscience or remorse afterwards “I say sniffing. This is a part of my life I do not like talking about but if there is one thing I have learnt while in Juvie is that one’s life stories and struggles inspire other people.

“The pain of seeing your lifeless mother hanging from the celling can never be compared to anything I have experienced in my life “I say he turns around to face me the minute I say that

“Till this day it still haunts me 5 years later I  still see her hanging I still remember throwing everything I could find near me at her for being so selfish for not thinking about me for leaving me alone with a man who hated my presence and being” I say

“I grew up in a loveless family. I never got to meet my biological father my mother claimed he ran away from his responsibility of being a father. I say claim because I feel my whole life has been a lie therefore I do not know what is real or not” I say sniffing I quickly get his hands of me as he tries to hug me. I hate that I hate people who pity me.

“You don’t have to if you’re not okay. I understand everyone has their own demons” he says

“I think I have the whole hell with its demons “I say standing up to leave. I have tried telling this story to many times but I always fail it becomes too much.

 

The week went by so quickly especially since a lot of things happened Zama got discharged from the hospital and I have never seen a man cry so much in my life. He was transferred to a wellness centre after I motivated to the hospital that he wasn’t ready mentally and emotionally to go home. It was also my last day at Crompton yesterday. I am writing my final exams in a month then basically my varsity life will be over. I am in Newcastle already I arrived here in the early hours of this morning because Nandi Is an early bird she was at my flat at 4am to fetch me. I think she still struggles to fall asleep she’s always said that the thoughts and dreams keep her awake. Nandi killed her father a few months after he had murdered her mother and little brother. He was a Priest.

I am sitting in the garden area as the welcoming event hasn’t started yet. The garden area used to be the spot where I used so I could be alone with my thoughts thinking about my life and where I wanted to end up and how I was going to get there.

I remember arriving here as an angry scared confused and mentally ill 16 year old. Life had no meaning at that stage. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my mother’s lifeless body hanging from the ceiling and my step father’s blood all over my hands after I had stabbed him. For a good 3 months that was all I could remember. No matter how hard I tried to force my brain to remember anything else it just couldn’t.

“It is time for us to go into the hall Baby “Nandi says behind me disturbing me from my thoughts

“You will be just okay speak from your heart “she says forcing a hug on me because she knows very well that I hate being hugged.

Crompton hospital has been my second home, I would rather be here than on campus, I am currently in the Diagnostic radiography department which I find very interesting. I have been soo involved in this department and hospital, the nurses have started calling me Dr Zee. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing though if I were to be a doctor I always think to myself.

“Are you here again? “ someone say behind me , I am sitting in the eating area outside the wards , I turn around to see Zama , he has been here for almost a month now, he was admitted after drinking himself to a pulp as a suicide attempt. He was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning which damaged most of his internal organs.

“Hi Zama” I say as I continue with browsing the net , I love interior design and decorating thus I am always on Pinterest searching for inspiration.

‘When we are done kicking this degree’s ass we will become rich and I will hire you to decorate my 10 bedroom house ‘ Palesa always says

“Are you looking at houses again “Zama says while trying to sit next to me , his face says he is in soo much pain.

“You see I do have a life besides coming here “ I say laughing , he is one on of the people who have teased me about not having a life, mind you I have only known him for 1 month.

“The doctor is discharging me tomorrow” he says in a really sad voice

“That’s great Zama, you don’t sound happy though “I say giving him a concerning look

“That night before I came here I had told myself that I am done, done with everything and everyone now I have to go back and face everyone and everything again” he says

Every day I am reminded of one of the Ten Commandments “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods”. Zama is an engineer, finished school at 16 and graduated with his engineering degree at 20. He comes from a wealthy family, basically you’d think he has his whole life figured out yet he is here in this very ward because of a failed suicide attempt.

I do not know how to answer him funny because I know it all too well. I have tried to kill myself a few times and after every failed attempt I would swear God so much for not allowing me to die. There comes a point when you are just done with everything and you want an easy way out, the easy way out is usually overdosing, cutting yourself or drinking liquids you are not supposed to drink.

“It won’t be easy Zama, but you owe yourself to have a great life “I finally say after what felt like an hour of silence

“The last attempt was driven by the fact that I found out that I am adopted, my biological mother threw me in a pit toilet “he says sniffing

I have heard these stories too many times at Juvie. This one girl was brought in because she stabbed her biological mother after she found out that she left her on the train rail.

“I have tried to kill myself soo many times that every attempt felt normal, no conscience or remorse afterwards “I say sniffing. This is a part of my life I do not like talking about but if there is one thing I have learnt while in Juvie is that one’s life stories and struggles inspire other people.

“The pain of seeing your lifeless mother hanging from the celling can never be compared to anything I have experienced in my life “I say, he turns around to face me the minute I say that

“Till this day it still haunts me , 5 years later , I  still see her hanging , I still remember throwing everything I could find near me at her for being so selfish , for not thinking about me , for leaving me alone with a man who hated my presence and being” I say

“I grew up in a loveless family. I never got to meet my biological father, my mother claimed he ran away from his responsibility of being a father. I say claim because I feel my whole life has been a lie therefore I do not know what is real or not” I say sniffing, I quickly get his hands of me as he tries to hug me. I hate that, I hate people who pity me.

“You don’t have to if you’re not okay. I understand everyone has their own demons” he says

“I think I have the whole hell with its demons “I say standing up to leave. I have tried telling this story to many times but I always fail, it becomes too much.

 

The week went by so quickly especially since a lot of things happened, Zama got discharged from the hospital, and I have never seen a man cry so much in my life. He was transferred to a wellness centre after I motivated to the hospital that he wasn’t ready mentally and emotionally to go home. It was also my last day at Crompton yesterday. I am writing my final exams in a month then basically my varsity life will be over. I am in Newcastle already, I arrived here in the early hours of this morning because Nandi Is an early bird, she was at my flat at 4am to fetch me. I think she still struggles to fall asleep, she’s always said that the thoughts and dreams keep her awake. Nandi killed her father a few months after he had murdered her mother and little brother. He was a Priest.

I am sitting in the garden area as the welcoming event hasn’t started yet. The garden area used to be the spot where I used so I could be alone with my thoughts, thinking about my life and where I wanted to end up and how I was going to get there.

I remember arriving here as an angry, scared, confused and mentally ill 16 year old. Life had no meaning at that stage. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my mother’s lifeless body hanging from the ceiling and my step father’s blood all over my hands after I had stabbed him. For a good 3 months that was all I could remember. No matter how hard I tried to force my brain to remember anything else it just couldn’t.

“It is time for us to go into the hall Baby “Nandi says behind me disturbing me from my thoughts

“You will be just okay, speak from your heart “she says forcing a hug on me because she knows very well that I hate being hugged.

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