Chapter 6

Tshepiso: “My beautiful mother”

She says bringing me back from my thoughts. My body is here but my mind is somewhere else. That has been happening a lot lately thinking about what the future holds for me and my kids. I can’t help but worry about how this whole divorce is going to affect them. Knowing Tshepo he is not going to give up without a fight and things are likely to get very messy.

All I know is that staying will cause more damage to them than leaving. I am doing this for them they might not see it now but they will thank me later. Being a parent is a very difficult task because whatever decision you take will end up affecting the kids one way of the other.  I’d rather leave and have them being angry at me now than let them grow up in this toxic environment that will scare and damage them for life.

Me: “Yes baby” I say giving her a very warm smile.

Tshepiso: “I just wanted to say that I love and appreciate you very much. You will always be my number one” she says throwing herself at me.

Me: “aaaa baby I love you too my sweet child” I say shedding a tear.

Tshepiso: “Mma you are beautiful inside and out never let anything change that about you. You are stronger than you know. Tshepang and I are lucky to have you as a mother. You are loved Pheladi”

Me: “I love you too my babies you are my life and I live for you”

Tshepiso: “As long as you don’t forget to live for yourself too mother. Your life did not stop when we were born” she says breaking the hug

Me: “When did you become this smart?” I say squeezing her chubby cheeks.

Tshepiso: “Well I am my mother’s daughter”

I smile as I watch her walk to the kitchen. My daughter just spoke a life into me unaware she gave me a strength I did not know I needed. I am now convinced that the divorce is exactly what I need if I can’t do it for me I must do it for my kids. I need to be a perfect example to them teach them that ‘Sehlare sa mmuši ke go katoga’ meaning the best way to deal with a toxic environment is to move away from it.

This kinds of moments with my daughter are very emotional for me always. I might have not shared this with you before but Tshepiso is my miracle baby. My pregnancy with her was not an easy one. Most husbands would like to protect their wives when their carrying their first child but mine made my pregnancy unbearable with his behavior. It might have been before the physical abuse but his cheating ways were too much for me so much so that I nearly lost my child.

It’s one thing suspecting that your husband is cheating on you and finding proof that he is. He can lie and make up excuses while promising you that he will end things with the other woman because he loves you more. Isn’t that what we always want to hear? For a cheater to tell you that it’s you that they love it’s you that they need they can’t leave their lives without you and you shouldn’t worry about the other woman because she was just a mistake. Because that what we always want to hear right

I don’t love her it’s you I love.

I wish that’s all had to deal with when it came to Tshepo’s infidelities. Alas I always had to deal with the worst case scenarios. I still remember when I was 4 months pregnant with Tshepiso and I had to be rushed to an emergency ward because I was attacked by one of Tshepo’s mistresses. Worse of all she was also pregnant with his child imagine.

As if finding out that he impregnated another woman was not enough she had to come to my home disrespect me by attacking me verbally and physically. I remember the events of that day very well. We were still staying in Seshego at his home while our house was under construction. I was coming from work and as usual I was driven home by Tshepo himself. He did not stay long after dropping me off he said something about going to assist his father with something at church of which I did not have a problem with.

A knock came through after few minutes of him going out. My mother in law was in the back yard picking spinach from her garden so I answered the knock. I was meet by 3 woman on the other side of the door. They greeted and told me they were here to see me. My mistake was letting them in because I assumed they were probably from church and needed some spiritual guidance or wanted to discuss something regarding one of my learners assuming they had kids or a child in my class. But that was not the case.

Imagine my shock when one of them told me how selfish I was. How I think I am better than other people because I have a ring on my finger. How Tshepo didn’t love me but had to marry me since I was his parent’s choice (news to my ears). The 3 ladies went on and on and on but what caught my attention was how selfish I was for telling Tshepo to instruct one of the ladies to have an abortion because the child will never be welcomed in my house. How could Tshepo use my name to solve problems I did not even know about problems he created on his own?

“You are selfish Pheladi may the God that you pray struck you down for thinking the child that you carrying has more right to life than the one that I am carrying because Tshepo did not marry me. How could you expect me to go ahead and have an abortion while you carry your child full term? My child has as much right to live as that brat you are carrying. This child is not a mistake but a results of an act of love between Tshepo and I. If you think I will kill my child to make you feel better about your failed marriage forget it. I am keeping this child and his father will take care of him because his father loves him like he loves his mother” this were her words to me verbatim.

I tried to defend myself and tell them that I did not know what they were talking about. But that alone seemed to set them off. Next thing I knew the 3 ladies were on their feet and I was on the ground taking kicks to my stomach and body. They kept shouting that they will give me the abortion that I asked for by making sure I lose the child that I am carrying. I was lucky enough my mother in-law came back to the house when she did because it could have been worse.  

I woke up in Mediclinic a day later with a broken heart bruised belly and some internal bleedings. From that day forward my pregnancy became high risk. I was discharged from the hospital 3 weeks later. I wanted to pack up my bags and leave but the elders sat down and decided my fate for me. I was young and believed them when they said Tshepo was remorseful and had moment of weakness when he slept with that lady. She meant nothing to him so did the sex.

Unlike everyone else my brother told me to leave his sorry ass but was later painted as the bad person because he was trying to break my marriage and not help me build it. I was young and scared of being labelled a divorcee at the age of 22 so I chose to forgive Tshepo and work on my marriage while prayed for the best.

I was in and out of the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy until I gave birth at 36 weeks 4 weeks before the actual due date. My baby had to breathe through machines for the first 2 days on earth due to respiratory distress syndrome. I have never prayed to God like I prayed in that two days. God came through for us and she survived even though we had to stay at the hospital for a week since doctors had to keep a close eye on her.

I now smile because she has grown to be a strong beautiful loving and smart child who respects her parents and most importantly dedicate herself to the Lord and praises him through singing in the church choir.

You will think that Tshepo would have learned from nearly losing his first and changed with ways but no he did not. Rumor has it that he has 7 known children 2 which are mine 1 whose’ mother nearly killed me and my child born 2 months after Tshepiso 2 that he confessed to after I threatened to leave and 2 others that I hear about but no proof that they are indeed his. Did I tell you that one of them is actually 2 months old?


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