It’s been a week since Tshepo went to Cape Town as usual he is calling every 2 hours or so. How tiring. If only he knows what awaits him when he gets back from his trip. Truth be told his presence is not even missed instead I used my new found freedom to plan my future away from him. I have been staying with this man for 14 years now and I am shit scared of the road ahead. I know it’s not going to be easy but I don’t expect it to be hence I believe it will all be worth it in the end.
I can’t even say I know where to start but I am happy that the first step has been taken. I have meet with my lawyer a few times and a divorce petition has been filled with the court now I shall let the process take its course. I have chosen to do my things silently because I don’t want anyone trying to talk me out of the divorce. It has happened few times before this is not my first attempt at leaving. The first attempt and many times after that I changed my mind before even meeting with a lawyer because I allowed people’s voices to fill my head and convince me I was making a wrong move.
People will always try to talk you out of leaving maybe because the pain you feel is not what they experience. I have had my in-laws say ‘don’t give up on him he will change’ ‘he loves you and he won’t survive the breakup’ my all-time favorite ‘You are a Christian give it all to God and have faith in him he alone will change your situation’. I have done all that prayed to God live in hope and faith that my situation will change but still things are getting worse and worse. My husband is beyond redemption and my marriage to him is beyond salvation. The sooner I accept that the less difficult it will be for me to walk away.
No one can say I was a coward and gave it all up easily because my pain is not theirs. I stayed for 14 whole years hoping for things to get better but they never did. Instead they got worse the cuts became deeper and the scars multiplied. I stayed because I though staying signified strength and resilient but Tshepo saw this as a weakness a weakness he could feed on. But now I am done feeding his weakness because he is a weakling in this marriage not me. If he wasn’t a weakling he wouldn’t want to rule by installing fear. I allowed him to get away with a lot in the past but those days are gone.
Speak of the devil I frown as I take a look at my phone with his name flashing on my screen. It must have been two hours already since we last spoke I guess it’s time to check in on what I am being up to.
Me: “Kolobe” I say trying to sound respectful as always.
Tshepo: “My love how are things at home”
Me: “All is well how are things in Cape Town?”
Tshepo: “That good to hear Cape Town is beautiful baby I wish you were here to experience all this beauty with me”
Me: “Well I would have loved to be there too. I was just not invited”
Tshepo: “Next time my love. I promise?”
Let me just roll my eyes because there will be no next time. I just laugh because I have no words for him and I wouldn’t want him to suspect what I am up to.
Tshepo: “Is Tshepang back from school I would like to speak to him please”
Me: “He is let me call him for you”
I call Tshepang who comes running my happy child energetic as always.
Tshepo: “Pheladi I love you very much. I hope you know that”
Me: “I love you too Kolobe. A lot” I say before handing the phone to Tshepang.
I walk away thinking of the lies we tell. How many times have we used the word ‘I love you’ when we don’t even mean it? Do we even understand what love is? It must be true the line between love and hate is very thin for I have nothing but hate for the man once loved.
If you must know Mmabatho also left Seshego the day my husband left for Cape Town. I have no doubt that they are together in Cape Town as we speak. I wish I can confidently say that my husband never cheated on me before Mmabatho. Because then I would find it easy to shift the blame from him to her. Isn’t that what we always do? Blame the other woman for our husband’s betrayal. Insulting and threaten her as if she is the one who broke the marriage vows that she never even took. I guess attacking and insulting the other woman is always easier than dealing with the real problem. THE CHEATING SPOUSE!
To be quite honest my husband cheated on me so many times way before we even got married. He just hid it well. I guess with a friendly personality like his it was just easy for him to hide it. They were all just his ‘friends’. What a hypocrite right I wasn’t allowed to have male friends but this girls could be friends with him. So like many I choose to buy the whole friends story because I was more comfortable with that than accepting he could be cheat on me.
I remember once when I confronted him about my suspicions and I was sold a beautiful lie. “How can I cheat on you when everyone knows I am with you? I mean I have never hidden you. Everyone knows I love you” I sat down and really thought about it. He couldn’t have been cheating on me because I was always plastered all over his social media pages. Which girl would date a guy who clearly loves ‘Pheladi’ and shouts it to the whole world every chance he got?
Imagine my shock when my suspicions were proven right. Imagine the heartbreak and disappointment. Finding out about Tshepo’s infidelities was the most heart shattering moment ever. I went through all sorts of emotions emotions such as denial shame emptiness and hurt. I started to blame myself I wasn’t enough for him. If I was he wouldn’t have cheated on me. I started compering myself to the woman he was cheating with trying to identify where I was lacking. Maybe if I fixed myself maybe if he got it all from me maybe maybe just maybe he would be satisfied and stop cheating on me.
The worse part was learning that I possessed more than most of this woman he was cheating with. None of them were prettier more intelligent or had personalities better than mine. So why would he continue cheating on me? I soon learned that his cheating ways had nothing to do with me or my short comings. That’s just who Tshepo is a cheater. The sooner I accepted this the better things became for me because I also stopped blaming the other woman.
Mmabatho like other woman before her is as much as a victim of Tshepo as I am. For now she is blinded by love manipulation and my husband’s charming and conniving nature. I know it well because I was once in her shoes the question is how long will she survive in mine? Now that I am leaving an opening will she find it easy to be this Minister’s wife?