I'm angry I'm sad I'm exhausted I'm pissed. I just
knelt down and cried what was wrong with me??
am I cursed??.
"I'm sorry" Thabo said holding me.
I just bust in tears. What will I say to my sister??
What will I say to myself?? to me yes me. This is
a lie. I stood up and walked to the kitchen.
Thabo:"Thando"he walked after me.
me:"It okay I'm going to cook."I said chuckling.
Thabo:"Don't do this to yourself" I just laughed.
me:"is there anything wrong with cooking?? I want
to cook something for my sister. I'm sure she's
hungry" I took the knife.
Thabo:"Thando No" my hands were shaking.
me:"His lying Thabo his lying. My mother is still
alive. She's okay I know. you believe me right??" I
looked at him with my begging eyes.
me:"DON'T TELL ME YOU BELIEVE HIM" I yanked
my hand of his and pointed Dr Drew with a knife.
me:"His lying his fuckin lying" I said still pointing
Thabo just hugged me from behind and help me sit
down. I was fighting kicking telling him my mother
Dr Drew:"Again i'm sorry Miss Thando"
me:"Fuck you Fuck you!!"I screamed at him. I was
mad really mad.
Thabo:"Shhh it okay it okay"he kept on saying that
till i stopped fighting him. i started crying really
Couple of hours LATER....
I was sitting on the couch starring at nothing.
Thabo was checking on the twins. Nicole bust in
the house bubble as ever.
"Sisi Thando Sisi Thando" I just stared at her.
Nicole:"I'm a class prefect Now my teacher made
me a class prefect "She jumped to me but I didn't
Nicole:"Sisi Thando are you ok?" I still kept quiet.
"Nicole go to your room sweetie"Thabo said
learning against the wall. She looked at me sadly
and stood up after that she left.
Thabo:"You have to be strong for her" I sighed.
me:"I didn't know what to say how to react"He
walked to where I was sitting and sat down next to
Thabo:"I know you feel like dying. but please be
strong for her"
me:"How do I tell her?? this will break her
Thabo"He hugged me.
Thabo:"She need to know she deserves to know"I
me:"I will go talk to her"I stood up and stretched
myself I was pretty tired.
Thabo:"I will go talk to Dr Drew a about the body"I
me:"Tomorrow we burring her"he frowned.
Thabo:"What the rush"I shrugged.
me:"I just want to get this over and done with"He
looked at me for the longest time.
Thabo:"Fine" he left.
I walked upstairs I sighed before opening the
door. She just looked at me and back to her book.
me:"I'm sorry baby" She smiled.
Nicole:"Forgive and forget"I laughed a little.
me:"You so mature"She giggled I sat down next to
her and hugged her.
me:"I love you "she giggled.
Nicole:"I love you too"
me:"Mom love you she does"I said trying to
convince myself. She just kept quiet.
me:"Do you love Angels?"She broke the hug and
Nicole:"Our teacher said we are Angels. Angels are
good people who protect others right??"I smiled.
me:"Yes baby you right"She jumped.
Nicole:"Yes!!" she sat down I hugged her again.
me:"Angels took mom to Heaven "She smiled.
Nicole:"Heaven is a beautiful place where god
stays right?"I laughed a little.
me:"Yes baby"She nodded.
Nicole:"Why did the Angels took momy?"I sighed.
me:"So that she can be happy and healthy" she
Nicole:"Mom wasn't happy here??"I sighed.
me:"She was she just needed a more peaceful
Nicole:"Will she ever be back??"I kissed her on top
of her head.
me:"No"She got teary.
Nicole:"Will you miss mommy??"I kept quiet for a
me:"So much I will miss her so much" She just
Nicole:"I miss her already"We hugged
I will miss her so much" She just
Nicole:"I miss her already"We hugged she cried
me:"Shh baby don't be sad. The Angels won't be
happy"She instantly wiped her tears away.
Nicole:"Buy I'm not happy should I pretend?"I
shook my head.
me:"I'm sorry" She started crying all over again. I
sang hush hush mntwana (Hush hush child) till she
fell asleep. I kissed her forehead and picked her up
put her under the covers in her bed. She opened her
eyes I sighed.
Me:"Baby you all that I want
I want you here in my arms.
I'm finding it hard to believe
You in heaven" x2
I sang the song till she fell asleep again I kissed
her forehead and walked out with my heavy Heart. I
walked to my room and lay down a bit. I took the
letter out of my pocket and read it all over again. I
read it till i fell asleep.
I woke up later feeling exhausted as ever. I asked
Thabo to accompany me to my father's house. I
needed to tell him about this he had every right to
know . Thabo agreed and all the way to my father's
house we were not talking to each other. He
stopped the car Infront of the house.
I sighed and walked to the yard leaving Thabo in
the car. I knocked at the door for almost 10
"Akekho(his not here)"I turned around and it was
the owner of the place. MamKhuzwayo we were
renting the house from her.
me:"Sawubona mAh (Hello mAh)"She smiled and
we shook hands.
MamKhuzwayo:" He left the house with your
mother's friend Agnes. They left 2 months ago. I
thought you knew but before they left . They got
married and bought cars . I don't know where are
they if you don't know them. But my child he didn't
pay the full month rent ." i was shocked.
me:"MamAgnes and my father got married??"I was
shocked like really shocked.
How can they do this to my mother. What kind of a
friend MamAgnes is?? About my father all this time
he was pretending. He sold me because he wanted
money not because of my mother's sickness.
me:"WOW" I was really Speechless.
MamKhuzwayo:"How is your mother now?"I looked
me:"She didn't make it."She brushed my shoulder.
MamKhuzwayo:"I'm sorry my child" I nodded.
me:"I will transfer the rent-
MamKhuzwayo:"No No No it okay. Just focus on
healing" I smiled.
me:"Thank you MamKhuzwayo"we hugged.
me:"Nisalekahle(Goodbye)"She waved back.
I opened the door and sat down I couldn't believe
what I just heard.
me:"My father left"He brushed my hand.
Thabo:"I'm sorry" I sighed.
me:"I'm just wow"
I've decided that we burry my mother today. It was
all playing like a movie. I felt empty it was like my
other half was leaving me. Nicole couldn't stop
crying. It pained me so much. i felt like reaping my
heavy Heart off.
Thabo:"It time to go home" I kissed my mother's
me:"I love you"I brushed it and stood up. Thabo
held my hand and we walked to the car. I made
Nicole sit on top of me and the car drove off.
In these 2 days I've never heard from Lubanzi since
that day. It like he never existed I was really
worried about him. I didn't call his mother though I
just didn't want pity from anyone.
Thabo:"I think it time"I frowned.
me:"Time for what?"
Thabo:"For you to leave the country" I looked out
I looked at sleeping Nicole and kissed her
forehead. I looked at the twins sleeping in their
baby sit. How do I leave them I've grown fond of
them. I wiped the tears off my face this is not
about other people. it about me and my little sister.
I took the letter out.
Thando my princess
I am tired. It's not the kind of tired that you can
simply sleep off and rise from refreshed. It's the
kind of tired that makes functioning at a "normal"
level seem absolutely exhausting. Sometimes I
wonder how my arms are still taking the necessary
steps to pull me out of the bed after slumber.
Sometimes I am fooled into thinking that I have
been lifted from this madness. I am simply too
tired-" it continued.
I threw it out the window. I'm waiting for a new
start now a new beginning. Somewhere far far so
far away from here.