My mother was around so I had to leave Nyiko with her so I can be able to rush Rane to the hospital. I am very lucky that she was around or else I would have been forced to stay back home because children are not allowed at the clinical wards since their immune systems are still weak and can easily caught diseases.
I have been pacing up and down the hospital ever since we got here. I still cannot believe that I am about to lose my husband all because I couldn't handle my anger. I allowed my anger to take control of me and lead me into doing what I could never wish to do. Anger can lead a person into killing someone without them realizing what they are doing. I have become a victim of anger I have let it have its way with me. I can never be able to forgive myself for letting it hurt my husband.
Father God please heal my husband please bring him back to me his wife. I know he has wronged me by raping me and kept quiet about it but I do not want to see him dead for that. I might be angry at him but I still love him I do not want to lose him. Death caused by me or someone else is not how I want to lose him. We have not yet made our voice due to not have had a white wedding but I am definitely sure that I would have made a vow that we can only be separated by unexpected death.
My mother in law is so angry at me right now she thinks it was my plan all along to kill her son. Why can't she ask me why I did what I did instead of jumping into conclusion without knowing what truly happened. Her son wronged me and kept it a secret and then when I react I get to be called by names. I know I reacted in a wrong way and hurt her son in the process nearly killing him but that doesn't give her any right to call me all kind of names and paint her son as perfect when he is the root of all this.
I wonder if he even loved me or he just dated me because of the guilt eating him up. I gave my all to him and came clean to him about being raped and yet he did not show any signs of regret he acted like he knew nothing about it when he is the one who violated me. He made me think of myself as dirt he made me believe that no man can ever be able to wife me. He killed my self esteem so that he can help me regain it again. What kind of a man can be this cruel just to benefit? Yeah the kind of man I love wholeheartedly.
The doctor finally comes out after all this hours of me pacing up and down driving my mother in law crazy. I quickly rushed to him with my fingers crossed. Lord knows how much I love my husband and do not wish death upon him. All I want is for him to come back to me and tell me that he is sorry for what he has done to me for all the pain he has caused me and kept quiet about it while he knew very well that he is the cause of it. My love for him will make me to gladly forgive him when he apologize.
"Doctor how is my husband?"
I ask before he can say anything. Rane's mother is standing besides me eager to know how her son is. I am sure her hands itching to strangle the life out of me. I wonder how my dad will react if he were to find out about this I am sure that he'll know. I mean everything a wife does wrong in an arranged marriage has to be reported to her maternal home so they can teach her how to behave in a marriage.
"Calm down ma'am we have managed to stop the bleeding and stitched him so he is fine and luckily no damage has been made."
I sigh a sigh of relief now that I discovered that my husband is still with me on this land of the living. I don't know what I would become without him what will I tell Tsakani. Our son was about to grow up without knowing his father. When he was still a foetus the only thing that bothered me was that he was a child of rape but I learnt to become fond with him and love him. Now that I have discovered that his father is the love of my life I just want him to grow up under his father's eyes. I want him to get all the love from both parents regardless of who has wronged who.
"Can I please see him."
"I'm sorry you can't at the moment we have sedated him. You can come back after an hour or so."
He says before he can walk away. I am not going anywhere
"My child how is he?"
She must be worried sick about him. She still doesn't know what really happened and I intend on not telling because she does come to know the truth she will hate Rane but that won't work what if Nyiko grows to look like his father just like they say he looks like him now. The truth will reveal itself so it's better I tell her the truth on my own than letting her find out from someone else but I'll only tell her after I have been given the truth of why he his it from me.
"He has been sedated ma but he is fine. How is my baby doing is he not tiring you?"
My child is not a cry baby he may not be a cry baby when with me and can become a mamas baby when I'm not around.
One hour passed
I ran to his ward and found him laying in the bed staring at ceiling deep in thoughts. Tears flowed down my cheeks when I came in terms of the damaged I have caused him. His head covered with a bandage to show that he bled through the head luckily none of his organs were damaged. I could never be able to live with myself if I had caused damage to his organs. No one can get to live for a long time with damaged organs unless God does a miracle which is scarce. God only answers prayer on his own time no matter how urgent it requires him to answer.
I spend some good few seconds staring at him I know he heard the door open he just doesn't want to check who might have came in. I clear my throat seeking for his attention which he doesn’t give me and make my way in regrets start filling me up. Couldn't I have reacted in a normal way that will not hurt him. He turns to look at me when I sit on the bed and look him in the eyes and he returns the stare. I can't read how he is feeling right now but I am definitely sure that he hates me I didn't even give him a chance to explain before reacting. What if he had a good reason to why he did it but there's no such thing. The can never be a good reason to why you raped someone. Rape is a criminal offense and a criminal offense has no reason as to why they should let you free.
I say with my horsy voice from being scared and regretting my doings. I feel like crying out loud to him and ask for his forgiveness. Have you ever been in a relationship where you have to apologize for something you did not cause? If he had not raped I wouldn't have hurt so I am actually about to apologize for his doings.
He stares at me without saying any word I don't know whether I should go ahead and apologize or get up and leave this place because his stares are only deadly stares. I can not take his cold stares he looks like he is about to kill me.
"I am so sorry."
I say before I get up and rush out the door with tears flowing down my cheeks. He hates me he hates me for what I have done!
Oh dear God I can't stand being hated by him. I lean on the door and slide down to the floor and poor my tears out to myself with no one to comfort me. I can not live while knowing that he hates me.
I now regret going to the party. Is this somehow a punishment for going to the party without telling my parents about it. Is this the punishment for going to late night parties wearing short dresses which can easily be pulled up to make the job easier for rapists. This questions remain unanswered. It is my fault that I got raped and I shouldn't blame anyone for it. No one forced me to wear a short dress so no one should be blamed. I could have been the one who tempted him into doing what he has done so it is all on me.
I get up and walk out of the hospital I can not stand being in his sight or the sane building while knowing very well that he hates me that he hates me for reacting to what he has done to me. I call a cab to come and fetch me and it arrives within minutes and drive me back home. Am I even welcome back to his house. I will have to be always ready to be kicked out of this house any minute from now. I know his mom will not want to hear any of it when she gets back.
His mother is the only person who knows what happened to Rane. The minute I threw the vase at him she came running to the study room due to the loud bang of the vase crashing on the floor after hitting him. The was no way to make excuses because the evidence was just before her and I was not in the right state to make up any kind of excuse. She helped me take him to the hospital with the help of her driver.