That is all I could utter. My heart felt heavy with a lump on my throat. The pain was beyond measures. I wish I could reverse time. I wish I was a better mother. I wish I gave him all the love he needed.
I failed my baby.
I failed myself.
What kind of a mother am I?
I am a disgrace to motherhood.
I finally swallowed the lump that was on my throat. My vision was clear after a blink.
I touched his tombstone sliding my slender fingers from top to bottom. I couldn't believe my boy was gone.
He was not coming back.
I stood up after a while my legs were feeling numb. It's been almost two hoursI have been sitting there.
After wiping the tears that were on my cheeks. I slowly bend carefully placing the bunch of flower on top of the grave.
" I love you..."
I said those words filled with pain and regret. I never had the chance to tell him when he was still alive. It was too late to tell him now and I was fully aware of that.
I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that.
21 years back...
"Please I'm begging you..."
I begged with tears escaping my eyes.
My whole body was shivering including my lips.
" Let's go man!"
Said his friend panicking.
" One round qha!"
He unzipped his pants my heart pounded.
Warm tears automatically flew down my cheeks as I looked at him with begging eyes. That didn't even move him. He pulled me closer to him I felt the cold gun on my neck as his tongue twirled on my neck.
It took him few second to pull down my denim short. I didn't move I couldn't move I was afraid. My heart pounded harder as he teared my panty.
He got between my legs and forced his way in.
I moaned out of pain tears streaming sideways. He moved back and forth deeper and deeper groaning on my ear.
" Shit!" He said.
His pace increased tightened the grip on my waist.
He said after the last thrust and pulled out.
"Let's go!!!!" Yelled his friend panicking.
He zipped his pants as he was walking to the car.
They started the engine and left with my father's car.
I crawled to my mother's body she was covered in blood.
" Mama.. "
She was not breathing. I crawled to my father's body
" Tata vuka ndiyakucela"
I screamed for help. It was dark and the road was clear. We were in the middle of nowhere.
I received help after something like an hour.
Two weeks later...
I focused on the view outside the window giving her my back.
" Please don't shut me out..."
She said inching closer.
She stopped moving.
" I want to be alone "
" I know this is hard for you"
" You know nothing!"
I snapped with tears threatening me.
" They were my parents too"
She said with a soft tone.
" Were you also raped? Did you witness your parents get killed in front of you?"
She kept quiet
I turned and pushed her out of the room. After shutting the door I locked it.
Tears streamed as I was sliding down. I leaned agaist the door burying my face between my thighs.
I missed my parents. Wishing they were there to tell me it will be okay.
I hated those men for killing my parents.
I hated them for taking my virginity. I wished they killed me as well.
Early January the schools re-opened.
I was going to do standard 10. To be honest I didn't want to go back to school. It was like everyone at school was going to look at me differently.
"You will be fine "
Said my sister fixing my tie. She forced me to look at my reflection on the mirror.
"You look beautiful "
She whispered on my ear standing behind me.
"It's time to face the world. To gain your strength and confidence."
I looked at her with a blank facial expression.
"I will never be normal!"
With those words I grabbed my bag that was on top of the bed and went to wait outside next to the car.
I heared the clicking sound of her stilettos from a distance. She unlocked the car. I got in fastened my seatbelt and focused on the road. The ride to school was quiet.
My stomach suddenly felt sick after she opened a packet of Nik Naks.
I covered my nose. the smell was unpleasant.
She looked at me and back to the road.
"Are you okay?"
" Did you really have eat them now?"
"What do you mean?"
" Don't talk you spreading the smell"
She looked at me amused.
" Please put them away you can eat them after dropping me off.
She looked at the chips.
She did as I said. I searched for the car spray and sprayed the car.
I said sitting up straight.