“Lisa!” Exclaimed my sister
“It was a dream baby...you were dreaming. I’m here…You safe okay?”
She pulled me into her embrace. I was heaving. I swallowed the lump on my throat burying my face on her chest. I was still scared. The dream felt so real it was like he was there in the house hiding.
“Can I sleep with you?”
“Mike is here “
“Tell him to go or sleep on the couch… just tell him something please.”
She sighed then finally agreed. I followed after her to her bedroom. She asked Mike to sleep on the couch. He didn’t argue he asked for a blanket and left.
Two weeks later. It was a month since the incident but still felt like it just happened the previous day. I was still having flashbacks every time I thought about it it felt so real. I just couldn’t forget about that night. I still saw their corps the blood. I could still feel the man’s touch on my skin. I still could hear his voice his groans. I wondered how will i ever get over the nightmares.When will the hallucinations stops how will I ever find peace? When will I have a peaceful sleep?
It was a Monday morning. I was getting ready for school. I felt like there was a stack of fibre on my throat. I rushed to the toilet and vomited. I hated the smell of everything the eggs the chemicals my cologne. I even hated MIKE which was awkward. I thought it was because of the rape.
When I was done dressing up I went to the kitchen. I found my sister with Mike at the kitchen.
“Ngumntu otheni lona ungagodukiyo?”
That was the first words I uttered as I walked in. Suddenly the hatred increased.
“Please don’t start Lisakhanya. Mike is my man and this is my house”
“I hate him!” I snapped.
“This sudden behaviour of yours is starting to bore me now. You liked Mike few months ago what happened now?” Said increasing her tone
“Fine I’m leaving I’m leaving your house. I will go stay at my parent’s house since I’m not welcomed here.”
“Fine babe I will go” Mike said as he placed a cloth on top of the counter. Silence filled the room as he walked out of the kitchen.
I turned my heels and headed back to my room. I took my school bag and walked out of the house.
“Where are you going?”
I ignored her as I walked out the gate. I hated staying in the township I didn’t feel safe.
“Town?” A taxi conductor asked peeking out of the window.
He immediately slid the door before the taxi stopped. I slowly walked to the taxi and stepped in. I walked to the backseats since the front seats were already occupied. I was not comfortable at the taxi. I was jumpy. I felt like a foreigner. People tried talking to me but they seemed to be speaking an unfamiliar lingo. I’m a Xhosa 100% From King Williams town but I failed to understand as people were talking to me in the taxi. I hated the feeling. I hated shutting everyone. I hated that new me to be precise!
At school I walked straight to my class room. I wanted to be alone. I took out my math text book and finished my homework since I was tired last night to complete it.
I knew it was Sammy. She was always chewing a gum. Making irritating sound. She was not chewing she was fighting with the gum.
“Sammy please it’s still early”
I begged without looking at her. She came and sat next to me.
“I bought this gum with my own money” She said untying her long blond her.
I was beyond irritated had she blew that gum again I was going to kill her on God.
“Chill…. Anyways how was your weekend?”
I gave her a dead stare instead as a final warning. She sighed and rolled her eyes as she took out the gum from her mouth.
I said then focused on the book.
“When did you guys did the deed?”
I gave her a confused facial expression.
She rolled her big eyes.
I was not feeling comfortable when talking about sex. It reminded me of the incident. Even though Sammy was my best friend
After school my sister came to fetch me.
“Good afternoon miss”
I just stared ahead and didn’t even bother to greet back. She started the engine and drove to the Mall.
“Are you not going in?” Liyakhanya asked as she was leaning on her door.
I shook my head. She nodded and locked the car. My phone rang after few seconds. I check the caller Id and it was Will my white boyfriend. I have been ignoring him since the hijack. He came to the funeral but I avoided him the whole service. I didn’t feel comfortable around him anymore I was scared he could find out about the rape and maybe hate me. I didn’t feel worthy anymore. I felt dirty damaged broken empty angry bitter and I wished they killed me too. I didn’t see any reason to continue with life I felt useless. I disqualified myself from the race of life. What is the use of continuing running when you don’t have courage hope and no supporters anyway? My mother and father were my inspiration my hope life and my everything. They painted life colourful. Each day was a different colour filled with love and joy. Smile was my breakfast and laughter was my joy. I loved my parents I loved how God made them. They had their up and downs as a couple but they always left up above everything if you know what I mean.
We used to dance every Friday evening after supper. Mom would move the couches and create an open space.
‘Noma kanjani wedali wam ngeke ndikushiye sofa sihlane’
I would just hit the floor as soon as the beat hit.
“Noma bethuka bethi unuk’umlomo wedali wam ndiku thanda unjalo”
My mother would sing the line looking at my father the smile on his face would be priceless. I never thought they’d be taken away from me. I never thought I would go to bed without hearing his jokes his voice. It was too soon. I was never ready. I still needed them. Life can be unfair at times.
The phone rang again I totally ignored it. I was shutting everyone out. I wanted to be left alone. Peace is what I was seeking. But how can I find it when all my inside was filled with hate and bitterness?
My sister came back after something like 30 minutes or less. We drove straight to her apartment in Thembalethu. She liked staying at the Township it made her “feel good and belonging”. As for me I hated everything about the township. I hated the busy streets the shady men. The way they looked at me was scary and different. It made feel like a piece of grilled meat. I don’t know if I was being paranoid or what but it was really creepy made me feel uncomfortable and jumpy.
I looked at her attentively as she made a signal that I must take a seat. We were at home. I slowly sat down.
“ When last did you have your periods?”
I didn’t remember using pads the previous month up untill now.
“I don’t know I can’t remember.”
“ God! This can’t be happening! Not now not like this Please Lord.”
She whispered the last words
“Please don’t freak out ne” She was trying to be calm
I gave her a confused facial expression. She took out a box from her bag and kindly asked me to follow her to the bathroom I did. She asked me to pee on a container she looked strained.
“What is going on sisi?’
“I will explain later”
I trusted her and did as she told me. I could sense she was hiding something from me. Few minutes later she buried her face after looking at the test results
I was confused. I didn’t know what she was on about. She couldn’t look me into the eyes. She somehow was scared of me.
“Sisi what is going on?”
I asked with little panic on my voice
“I should have forced you to go the hospital. What kind of a big sister am I?”
I was now beyond irritated
She exclaimed. I pointed at myself
I didn’t believe her.
“I need to take you to the doctor for some tests.”