The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride and nothing is guaranteed.
They always say that the most unexpected things happen during a person's highlights in life; whether it is your happiest or your saddest moments – the most unexpected moments usually happen during that time. After yet another hectic two weeks it was finally time for the negotiations. Beast ensured that we see each other less as he wanted to heighten the mood for the next time we saw one another – which was on Negotiation day. I was honestly so excited and I had hardly slept a wink prior to that. I couldn't even enlist any assistance from Otlile and Kg since they had gone cold on me. Mathilda was right by my side ever since and I hadn't seen nor heard from Ghadaffi or Dragon ever since that night. Although whenever I had gone to church he would be there – both of them would. I wasn't surprised to see he was married even. What did I expect from my mother? She didn't even try to get a good guy to play match-maker with. Beast had been so excited he literally ordered flowers for me each and every single day for the two weeks before the big day and had them delivered to my flat. He was still a hopeless romantic.
I hadn't met his other two sisters yet although I had been talking to Brenda on the phone. She and Beast were really close. She had accepted me even before meeting me. She was always busy and me being in Stellenbosch made the distance even bigger between us and meeting up was already harder than before. Mathilda offered to go with me to Ga-Mogalakwena and she was very supportive. My mother and Bella had to go with me as well and I wasn't pleased but it had to be done. We arrived the night before and everyone was there – even Celia. I suppose she wanted to see if Binah's daughter was actually going to get married.
The atmosphere was really great; although I just had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just couldn't get rid of it. I had a dream the night before; a dream I had forgotten about quite some time ago. The very same dream where everyone was attacking me yet Beast was nowhere to be found. Except this time; Beast was standing right across me in a shadow form while Malachi Mam'Rose my mother's maternal family were all standing before me. I was hysterical in the dream; because the more I tried calling after Beast the further he disappeared. There was someone else beside me; a male I couldn't recognize. His face was hidden but he was right next to me. I didn't understand the dream at all so I knelt down and prayed. Although I didn't receive an answer or anything in that regard I decided not to dwell on it much. I was in the room I was always allocated in my grandmother's house when my mother walked in. She had obviously had some to drink but oddly she never let Jenny out of her sight. She always catered for that baby's needs.
Binah: “Hazel I came to see if you needed anything.”
Hazel: “Thank you Mama but I'm fine.”
Binah: “Oh okay. It's never too late you know.”
I stared at her in wonder.
Binah: “I mean to change your mind. It is never too late. You can still do it and no one will judge you – not even me.”
Hazel: (annoyed) “Do you really have to ruin my mood like this?”
Binah: “Aowa (no) I didn't mean to. All I am saying is that I have a feeling something really funny is going to happen today so I just think it would have been best to leave him before embarrassing yourself. Let me leave you.”
So much for trying to be supportive. I couldn't help but find myself in tears when Mathilda walked in.
Mathilda: “Oh no no no honey. We don't do that – not today. How can you cry and mess up all that make-up Hazel?”
Hazel: (crying) “I'm sorry
Hazel: (crying) “I'm sorry it's just that... My mother - “
Mathilda: “Don't do that to yourself. Do not allow her to shed any more of her toxic nonsense on you. Today is your day so you don't do that.”
She was right though but it hurt. Bella didn't even bother to check on me that day. She just woke up and went straight to the local tavern. I knew that her sudden change in behaviour was all fake. I had spoken to Beast all morning and I couldn't wait for him to arrive. He was not one to be late so I was sure that he would have made it on time that day.
About two hours later I started getting worried. Beast was never one to leave me hanging unless he had a really good reason to. He always called first to let me know if he would be late but that morning; strange things started to happen right after my mother's brief insulting conversation with me. It was already 11am and Beast's last seen was about two hours prior which was out of character. I tried calling him but his phone rang unanswered – another red flag. Beast never ignored my calls – even if he had been in a meeting he would always text me to let me know he was busy and that he couldn't talk. I just had that funny feeling within my stomach slowly creep up on me. I felt as if my throat was closing up while I was being consumed with nausea at the same time. To make matters worse it seemed as if my mother was really enjoying that. She couldn't wait to say the famous words “I told you so”. Something wasn't right I could feel it in my gut.
Binah: “Hazel did you even call Beast? I mean he most probably forgot that he has to come and get married today.”
Really? I kept quiet while she was trying so hard to hide the fact that she was gloating in my sorrow.
Binah: “Oh alright. E re ke le tlogele (let me leave you then).”
Mathilda: “I'm sure he was just caught up or something Hazel. I mean he must have a really good reason as to why he isn't here.”
I tried speaking but words failed me. So many thoughts were going on in my head. I just couldn't believe what was happening to me. We waited and waited and waited. By the time it was 2pm I had ruined all my make-up and I was hysterically crying – in silence. It was hell on earth my heart felt like it was swelling up with each minute that went by awaiting explosion. Everyone kept coming in and out to check if I was either okay or if Beast was coming and if I had heard anything from him yet. I honestly thought he had been killed or something. I was in total disbelief. Aunt Hunadi Mathilda and Aunt Portia tried their best to comfort me but not even their presence or words could do anything to make me feel better at that point. When you are slowly falling into a deep pit of misery you end up believing nearly every possible scenario – even the most unbelievable one. I started believing that perhaps Beast chose not to marry me at the last minute or that he started regretting his choices. “Perhaps he did run away – from me” I thought to myself. I couldn't even eat or drink anything. The only thing that kept reminding me that I was still alive and that it wasn't a dream was my spit that would occasionally wet my restricted throat every now and then. It felt as if my own heart struggled to pump anything and that if I had the choice I'd have died right there and then. I felt humiliated heart-broken and completely petrified. Little did I know what awaited me. A long dark road was ahead of me without my Beast. Learning to live and survive without him felt like learning to adjust to a whole new life. It's always better and easier to heal when you have all the answers before you – even when you're not ready to accept them. When you have no answers at all to the questions you keep asking yourself life feels like one dark and unending road.
Isaiah 40:31 - “But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”