“If you don’t like the road you’re walking start paving another one.” – Dolly Parton
I decided not to go home I camped right outside Hazel’s hospital room the entire night. I didn’t want to leave her sight but I respected her wishes as she did state she wanted nothing to do with me. All I did was send her texts throughout the night asking her if everything was okay and if she needed anything but I’d see her online yet she wouldn’t respond to any of my texts. I felt so hurt broken as if I had lost my entire world. I couldn’t lose her like that – I refused to. By 4am the following morning I had gone to her room. I said nothing instead I slept on the couch in her room and watched her sleep. Before I dozed off to sleep again I decided to pray. I slowly walked towards her bed knelt right beside her and prayed. It felt to me as if it was a prayer that would determine my future – our future.
Beast: “Father God I humble myself before you. First and foremost I thank you for life. I thank you that I am able to bow before you. Dear Lord I ask that you please please help Hazel and I through this heartbreaking chapter in our life. All I wanted was to give her a chance at her own life to reach her own goals. It was never my intention to upset her or wish death upon my child. Death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruits as it is said in Proverbs 18:21. I never meant to say or wish anything bad upon my child – our child. A soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger as it is said in Proverbs 15:1. It was never my intention to upset Hazel to the point of her losing our child our first child. From now on I ask you Lord Set a guard O Lord over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! as it is said in Psalm 141: 3. I ask you to please guide me and protect me. Help me so that I can protect my future wife right here. Help me so that I never make the same mistake ever again. I know all this is my fault I take full responsibility thereof. All I ask of you is to bless us with a happy life a life that I have always desired. Matthew 21:22 says; “And whatever you ask in prayer you will receive if you have faith.” I have finally found the woman of my dreams Lord please do not take her away from me. I am not sure if I’d ever survive that. I pray in Jesus’ Mighty Name. Amen.”
I felt my face feeling rather hot and that was when I realized that I had been crying for quite some time. I even had a slight migraine appearing. Nothing I felt could be compared to what Hazel was feeling at that point. I had failed her – dismally. I had failed her before I could even be her husband. Only time would tell if we were going to make it through that dark hole or not but I had immense faith. Slowly but surely I drifted off to sleep.
I was sleeping until I heard Beast walk in. I knew it was him because the nurses would have woken me up to check on my blood pressure and vitals. I pretended to be asleep because I just couldn't face him. Yes when we first arrived at the hospital and we found out that I had lost the baby I blamed him. I blamed him for everything; for making me so angry that I had to lose my baby for wishing that I had decided on an abortion and then his dream finally came true. I was a real mess emotionally to be honest. Physically I wasn't in any pain I just had mild stomach cramps that felt like the onset of period pains. I assumed he just came to sit with me but he did the unexpected well it wasn't really unexpected because my Beast was a prayer warrior ever since I had met him. He became worse when we started dating. He's the one who would wake me up at midnight so that we pray together. I felt him kneel next to me and his hands were on my bed right next to my waist and he started praying.
The moment he did that something moved within me. It is amazing how one can always feel the Holy Spirit at work. His words really touched me and I couldn't bear the thought of seeing him crying like that. I heard his voice break I heard him sniffing and it was terribly heartbreaking for me. I couldn't believe how selfish I was. Yes I was in pain and I felt as if I was leaning more towards my own feelings instead of letting him in. Hearing him blame himself right in front of God really broke me because I felt the same way – about myself. I blamed myself. Perhaps if I had taken that pill in time we wouldn't have been in that mess. I wasn't sure if things were ever going to be the same ever again because Beast and I had never been through such a thing before. As they always say only time would tell.
A few hours later I woke up and found him sitting right next to me. He was very worried.
Beast: (faint smile) “Morning. How are you feeling?”
Hazel: “Morning. I'm a lot better. How are you?”
He looked so pale with bloodshot eyes as if he hardly slept. That couch couldn't have been comfortable.
Beast: “I could be better but I'm okay.”
He was trying so hard to conceal his true feelings. I felt it was my opportunity to speak up and tell him how I felt.
Hazel: “Beast I'd like to talk to you about something.”
His phone rang making me pause as a reaction to the interruption. He ignored it.
Beast: “Continue mkami (my wife). I'm all ears.”
Hazel: “I was saying that - “
The phone rang again and it obviously meant it was an emergency since the person kept calling.
Hazel: “Answer it. It might be important.”
Beast: “It's your mom. I'm sure it can wait.”
Hazel: “No really. Answer it. I'll still be here after the call.”
Beast: “Are you sure?”
Hazel: (nodding) “Yes.”
He answered it and indeed it was an emergency.
Binah: (hysterical) “Yoh (oh)! Bethuel! Kgale sela ke founa (I've been calling for so long)!”
Beast: “Is everything okay?”
Binah: “Bella is in labor! We managed to get one of the taxis to take her to hospital. We're already here at Life Eugene Marais Hospital. They say that she was already too far to be transferred to a Government Hospital so she is already in the delivery room.”
Beast: “Why didn't you just ask the driver to take her to Kalafong mara (though) Sis'Bee?”
Binah: “I wasn't thinking besides
Beast: “I can't right now Hazel is in hospital - “
I stopped him right there by shaking my head. I didn't want him to tell her everything.
Binah: (shocked) “Hospital?! Why? What happened?”
Beast: “I'll explain later.”
Binah: “Did you hit her?”
Beast: “Of course not. Look I'll explain a little later. We're halfway in Pretoria we're still on our way back home. I'll call you. Tell them we're on the way.”
Binah: “Okay but we'll need some money for the baby's things. We didn't buy anything.”
Beast: “I'll send you some money.”
He hung up the phone and I was not happy with the fact that she was already asking my man for money for Bella's baby things. I mean really? She spoke so much trash about him and yet he just took it like a punching bag.
Hazel: “You really don't have to help them you know.”
Beast: “I want to. One day you'll thank me for this.”
Hazel: “Okay then. Get the doctor to discharge me so we can leave.”
Beast: (frowning) “You're not well yet.”
Hazel: “I'm fine.”
Beast: “Are we going to finish the conversation we were busy with before the phone call?”
Hazel: (shaking head) “A little later.”
The truth is I was a little hurt hearing that Bella was about to give birth. Life can be so cruel sometimes I mean there I was faithful to God I tried my best to be a good person and yet she on the other hand was more than fucked up. She just conceived without fail and was most probably drinking her entire pregnancy. She hardly even went to for her antenatal visits at the clinic and yet she was about to give birth without fail. Why couldn't I be given the same chance? I didn't even get a chance to experience what pregnancy was like – and my baby was taken away from me. The doctor came and didn't want to discharge me but I explained that we needed to go back to Pretoria. She discharged me reluctantly. Beast truly insisted that I get driven out of the hospital in a wheelchair. I didn't want to protest so I let him be. We got into the car and we first stopped by the lodge to check out and he got our bags. We were on the road yet again. I thought he would drive back to the airport and get us the nearest flight but he insisted on driving us back home. I wasn't complaining and we weren't really saying much.
We stopped every now and again to get something to eat and we ate in silence. We occasionally held hands and even though we didn't say anything to one another the love was still there but something was just different. We finally made it back to Pretoria at about 7pm. Poor Beast was on the road driving non-stop. I really needed to get my own license so I could assist him further with the driving every now and then. He wanted us to stop by the hospital together and I didn't want to but also it would have been really unfair of me to let him go there without me. They were my family which means they were my baggage and now he was dragged into all of it. He saw my reluctance and besides that I was exhausted.
Beast: “Should I take you home? To my house to rest? I'll go check up on your mom and Bella.”
Hazel: (shaking head) “No it's alright. I'll go with you. It's not fair of me to let you go on your own.”
Beast: “You must be exhausted.”
Hazel: “I'll be okay. Let's go together.”
He nodded as we drove along together. I dreaded seeing them seeing Bella's baby. The moment we arrived I decided to stay in the car. I just couldn't stomach it. I already knew what kind of insults were going to come out of my mother's mouth. Lord knew that I was still trying to process the pain.
Hazel: “You go right in I'll wait for you here in the car.”
Beast: “Okay but it might take a while.”
Hazel: “I'll be alright. He kissed my cheek and it felt to me as if it was done as a sign of guilt. He went in while I took my time to speak to Mathilda. She had been trying to get hold of me for a while. I decided to call her and she answered on the first ring.
Mathilda: “Hazel thank goodness you finally answered. I've been trying to get hold of you for hours. Are you alright? Did you get home safely?”
Hazel: (sigh) “I - “
I couldn't even fake my emotions. I burst into tears.
Mathilda: “Oh honey. What's wrong?”
Hazel: (crying) “I I I lost the baby Mathilda.”
Mathilda: “What? My goodness I mean when did all this happen?”
Hazel: “Beast got me the pregnancy tests and then I took them last night. We had a bit of a fight about it and in the early hours of the morning I woke up to some pain in my abdomen. So much blood and clots came out of me the moment I sat on that toilet seat. The doctors confirmed it.”
Mathilda: “Haze I'm so sorry. I really am. How are you feeling about it really?”
Hazel: “Honestly I have no idea. I feel so guilty and I know Beast feels like absolute shit. Honestly I don't know how to fix this between us Mathilda. I get the feeling that things will never be the same again.”
Mathilda: “Grief has that effect on people and their relationships Hazel. You just need to allow yourselves to grieve. Hang in there and when the dust settles I suggest therapy – for the both of you. It might do you guys well.”
Hazel: “Well as if my problems aren't enough we're at the hospital as we speak. Bella has given birth.”
Mathilda: “Oh no. I can only imagine how that must feel like for you. Hang in there honey. Your time is coming. I may not know what it feels like to lose a baby babe but all I know is that God has his reasons. You will have your own baby – a second chance. I believe so and I truly believe that you and Beast are destined for greatness. Your relationship will soar to greater heights. Every relationship has its problems and believe me when I say you both still have room to grow within it. I know it sounds as if it is just the usual advice but I have never seen a man love a woman the way he loves you. Hang in there and don't be afraid to be vulnerable around him. Express your feelings and Trust in God.”
Hazel: “Thank you I really appreciate your words Mathilda.”
Mathilda: “If you ever need to talk I'm here.”
Hazel: “I really appreciate that.”
Support comes in many forms and I have always believed that when you find someone who supports you and loves you unconditionally you should hang onto it no matter what.
John 14:13 – 14 - “Whatever you ask in my name this I will do that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name I will do it. “