“Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” – Helen Keller
Throughout the entire drive all I kept thinking was that I was going to lose my Hazel. I had never seen so much blood come out of anyone’s body before while they were alive before. I was trembling in severe fear while Hazel was quiet. I knew that I had fucked up but never did I actually think that we’d lose our baby. We had literally just found out about the baby’s existence a few hours prior. It hadn’t even been a day and we didn’t even get a chance to rejoice. My wife was in pain and all I kept thinking to myself was “What have I done?”
I was quiet the entire car ride through. I just couldn’t comprehend what had just happened to me all I wanted to do was just crawl into a big hole and just stay there. I felt like it was my fault my baby had died before even existing. I never got to experience getting a sonar scan hearing my baby’s firs heartbeat. I would have never gotten the experience of a baby shower. I felt like shit I felt so numb I just didn’t hear anything and anyone around me. Beast was driving like a fucking maniac and he kept talking to me. I assumed he was also scared but the pain I was feeling at that point emotional pain could not allow me to focus on his feelings. The moment we arrived at the hospital and he called the ER team tears rand down my face when he picked me up because I felt the blood come out of me still. I was placed on the stretcher and he kept telling me that I’d be alright but it didn't feel that way.
Beast: (crying) “Baby you’ll be okay. Mkami (my wife) our baby is going to be just fine.”
Nurse: “Sir please you can’t come along with us beyond this point. We’ll update you on her status in a few minutes.”
They wheeled me away and all I could do was cry.
Nurse: ”How far along were you miss? Did you take something for an abortion?”
I could not even respond I was numb.
Nurse: ”I need you to relax okay? This is going to be a little cold.”
She just put some gel on my stomach and started checking via sonagram.
Nurse: “Hmm I’m afraid you have lost the baby. You were 6 weeks along. See here? The cervical entrance is already open and the remains of the fetus have already been expelled from the uterus. I’m so sorry for your loss but I'm afraid I have to schedule you for a womb scrub as soon as possible to remove the left over remains.”
Hazel: ”Do what you have to do.”
She left saying she had to go inform Beast on my status but all I could think of was the guilt consuming me. Beast walked in a few minutes later looking paler than the colour white itself.
Beast: (teary) “Sthandwa sami (my love) how are you feeling?”
I couldn’t respond even though I did try.
Beast: ”I'm so sorry baby. This is all my fault. First I begged you to abort and now the baby is gone. We lost our baby all because of me. Please forgive me Hazel. I was so ready to accept the baby we created that we created and formed as a product of our love. I never meant for us to go through so much hardship. I’m so sorry.”
Hazel: (teary) ”You have finally received your wish Bethuel. Our baby is no more. You can be relieved now.”
Beast: ”Haze... Don't say that please...”
Hazel: ”I know you blamed me. You thought that I intentionally fell pregnant because I forgot to take the morning after pills you bought for me. The truth is I was in such a mess because of my mom that I misplaced them and by the time I had to take them I had forgotten. When I remembered the following day it was when you reminded me of them
Beast: (crying) “Hazel please. Don’t be like that. I’m so sorry and I admit that this was all my doing.”
Hazel: (shaking head) ”No Beast. You refused to take responsibility yet you say you want to marry me. Do you have any idea how horrible I feel right now?”
Beast: (crying) “I can’t comprehend but I am so sorry Hazel. Please just give me a chance.”
Hazel: ”I'd like to be alone.”
Beast: ”Please don't shut me out.”
Hazel: ”Please leave.”
Beast: ”I - "
Hazel: (interrupting) ”Please.”
I looked at her hoping she would say that it was all just a misunderstanding and that she wanted me to stay but no she insisted that I leave. She couldn’t even stand to look at me. I was so convinced that I had killed our child our first child. I walked out with a heavy heard and decided to call Malume Sfiso.
Malume Sfiso: ”Mshana (Nephew).”
Beast: (crying) ”Malume (Uncle).”
Malume Sfiso: ”What happened? I’ve been having a very strange feeling about you all day. I even tried praying about it but no answer.”
Beast: (crying) ”Malume (uncle) Hazel just had a miscarriage.”
Malume Sfiso: ”Dammit that is the message they kept sending through to me. It was so unclear my boy which means that it was meant to be. It was out of our hands.”
Beast: (crying) ”What have I done wrong Malume (uncle)?”
Malume Sfiso: ”I’ll pray about it but she will need to get cleansed. The Makwetla’s have responded to our proposal for marriage and a date has been set. We’ll be going in three months from now. That would mean in September it would be perfect for your birthday.”
Beast: (teary) “Okay I understand. She wants nothing to do with me right now Malume. How do I even comfort her when she wants nothing to do with me?”
Malume Sfiso: ”Give her time. Just like any other person she also wants to be alone. She wants to process the pain alone. She too is human Bethuel. You two are still bound to experience problems. So you just hang in there and keep on praying. Pray more for her than yourself. She’s a lot more feeble than I anticipated.”
Beast: ”I hear you Malume. I'll try my best.”
Malume Sfiso: ”Hang in there son. You’re a lot stronger than you think.”
I said my goodbyes and sat right outside the ward. I refused to go back to the lodge without Hazel at least without her talking to me. I knew I had messed up but I didn’t want to leave her alone. I didn’t mind the cold all I wanted was to hear her voice I wanted her to accept my token of comfort and to cry in my arms. I needed it.
Philippians 4:19 - " And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”