Chapter 71

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t you’re right..” – Henry Ford 



I was a shitty mess even before I had taken the test.  I found myself sitting on the toilet seat crying while staring at the enclosed boxes.  I tried my best not to be heard crying but I guess I didn’t do such a good job at it.  I heard Beast knocking on the bathroom door subtly. 


Beast: “Hazel please open the door.” 

Hazel: (softly) “It's open.” 


Beast: (concerned) “Have you taken the test yet?” 


Hazel: (shaking head) “No.” 


Beast: ”Then why are you crying?” 


Hazel: (shrugging shoulders) “Because... what if the outcome destroys our relationship?” 


Beast: “Whatever the outcome Hazel I could never leave you.  You’re my world.” 


Hazel: ”I’m scared...” 


Beast: ”It’s better to be scared while knowing than being scared of the unknown.” 


He was right in a way I suppose. 


Beast: ”Take the test.  I’ll be right here with you.” 


I nodded while I took a deep breath and opened the boxes slowly while he was sitting right there watching me.  It was as if I was delaying the entire process.  Slowly but surely the boxes got opened one by one.  I took off my leggings and started peeing on each one of them.  I didn’t even want to look at them before I was done but judging by Beast’s reaction as he looked at them I already knew that my worst fears were confirmed. 


Hazel: (anxiously) “What does it say?” 


His silence was defeaning.  I saw his jaw tighten as he looked at me.  It was as as if he couldn’t stomach facing me.  I felt judged hurt at that moment. 


Hazel: (crying) ”Beast what does it say?” 


Beast: (voice breaking) “It’s positive.” 


I took them all one by one and I started feeling my warm tears burn my cheeks.  I couldn’t even look at Beast at that moment I felt like he was judging me like he thought it was all my fault.  I just buried my face in my hands and started crying even more. 


Beast: ”Baby you still have long way to go goals to reach.  We can try again in a few years once you’re done graduating.” 


He started with that again and I couldn’t take it. 


Hazel: (shocked) ”What are you saying Beast?  Are you saying you want to kill your first child?  You want me to agree to kill your first child?” 


Beast: “Hazel it’s not like that.  I don't want you to resent me.  You're only 19.  Raising a child isn’t child's play and I don't want to disrupt your studies.  Look it is my fault - entirely my fault.  I should have known better than to have unprotected sex with you.  Please don’t make this any harder than it already is.” 


I couldn’t believe my ears.  He was so calm about talking to me as if it was some sort of negotiation. 


Hazel: ”I'm not killing my child Beast.  I won't do it.  We can afford it and we’ll be getting married soon anyways so why kill it?” 


Beast: ”Raising a child is about more than just money.  I want you to have one when you’re ready emotionally.  You’re the one that is going to go through all the physical and emotional changes.  Do you really want a baby to stand in the way of your success right now?” 


Hazel: (angrily) “I'm not killing my baby Beast!  I see what you’re doing.  You're blaming me aren’t you?” 


Beast: “I just told you that I know it is completely my fault.” 


Hazel: ”Give me one good reason why you want me to get rid of your own flesh and blood.” 


Beast: ”My mother had me when she was still in school Hazel.  She had to leave everything and tend to me.  She has never said it but deep down I know she has a few regrets and having me at that age is one of them.” 


Hazel: ”There you go again.  Why do you have to bring your mother into this?  She already hates me and you know it.  She is the one who put you up to this isn’t she?  She told you to tell me to abort right?” 


Beast: “I’ve never needed my mother’s approval for anything in life - let alone what to do with my own child.” 


Hazel: ”I can’t believe what you're asking me to do.  Please give me some space.” 


Beast: ”Hazel I - “ 


Hazel: (interrupting) ”Please!” 


He took a good look at me and I saw some hurt in his eyes but not even a few tears from him could comprehend the pain he caused me when he asked me to abort.  I honestly thought he was going to be happy although it happened at a rather unfavourable time but I really thought that the baby could have been something auspicious for us.  I guess I was the only one who had such thoughts amongst the two of us.  I grew up knowing that children were a blessing from God and knowing very well how much my mother wanted to abort me but failed to do it - was something that motivated me to do better.  I believed that God had chosen me specifically to be the baby’s mother for a reason.  I didn’t want to give into any potential luck.  I mean it was a baby for crying out loud!  We created a life and all he thought about was killing it.  That broke me so badly that all I did was curl up and cry on the floor of that cold bathroom. 




The moment Hazel went to the bathroom to vomit earlier on that day my suspicions were confirmed.  Malume Sfiso called me earlier on that week to tell me about a dream he had concerning me and asked me if Hazel was pregnant.  I thought it was just one of those dreams but all that happened that day made sense.  I was a mess emotionally.  I felt like such a dick for making Hazel hurt like that but the truth is I was ready to have a child - I just knew she wasn’t ready.  I didn't want her to blame me for that I didn’t want her to raise our child while putting her dreams were on hold.  She failed to understand that because she was making a decision based purely on emotions.  All I wanted us to live a happy life and plan everything of ours without having to alter our lives around a sudden change.  Of course it hurt me just suggesting that she abort my first child but I was doing it for her.  I went out to smoke while I let the tears consume me.  I was hurting like hell my heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces although I was still stuck on my word.  I just had no idea how to make her see my point but also perhaps keeping the baby wouldn’t have been such a bad idea.  I decided to call the one sane person who understood me in my life. 


Brenda: ”Bhuti (brother) I hardly get calls from you at this time.  Is everything okay?” 


Beast: (teary) “No it’s not okay and I think that I have just made it all worse.” 


Brenda: ”What happened?” 


I relayed the entire scenario to her while she listened attentively.  I didn’t even realize how much I was crying until I as done speaking. 


Hazel: ”That is quite a mouthful.  So in all this have you considered her reasons for wanting to keep the baby?” 


Beast: “No.” 


Brenda: ”Bethuel that girl fell in love for the very first time in her life - with you.  She had sex for the very first time in her life with you and now she is expecting her very first child - with you.  You honestly didn’t think for a second that she would be hurt by the fact that her fiance wants her to abort their child?” 


I didn’t think of it that way to be honest. 


Beast: ”I didn’t think of it like that.” 


Brenda: ”You weren't thinking at all.  Look here Hazel has experienced so much trauma in her life all because her mother didn’t want her.  You honestly think she would want to abort her own baby?  Bethuel you guys can afford a child you guys can love and raise a child well enough for him or her to become better than the both of you.  You are not your past and neither is she hers.  Just think about it for a second before making hasty decisions.  I can promise you that you two can come up with an amicable solution and you guys might actually fall in love with this baby.” 


She was speaking some sense into me which I had hoped she would do. 


Beast: ”I don't know why you're so wise when you don’t even have kids of your own.” 


Brenda: (chuckling) “I am very wise beyond my years.” 


Beast: (sigh) “Thank you I really appreciate your words.  I just don’t know what to do.  She was so pissed at me.” 


Brenda: ”You’re her man and she loves you.  Relationships won’t always be sunshine and roses.  You’ll figure something out.” 


Beast: ”Thanks sis.  I owe you one.” 


Brenda: ”You know you do.  Oh by the way Phumza called me saying you don’t want to answer her calls.” 


Beast: ”She and Mama insulted my Hazel for no reason nje and now she is asking me for money.  She can miss me.” 


Brenda: ”See?  That’s motivation enough to become a great father.  Let me love and leave you.  Go get your woman.” 


Beast: ”Bye.” 


I hung up and finished the rest of my smoke then went back to the bedroom.  Upon arrival I found Hazel already in bed.  I wasn’t even gone that long but I could tell that she was in a bad space - all because of me.  That really wasn’t my intention. 


Beast: (softly) “Hazel baby can we talk?” 


She didn’t respond and pretended to be asleep but when you know your wife you can always tell when they are actually asleep or when they are just acting. 


Beast: (sigh) ”Baby wami (my baby) I’m really sorry.  I didn’t mean to sound so harsh.   I only thought that I was putting you first but I didn’t realize I was hurting you.  The last thing I wanted was to hurt you like that.  I know how much it means to you and I’d never force you to do something you don’t agree with.  We can keep the baby.  I promise to be there for you whenever you need me and I’ll never let you go.  When I proposed to you I made a promise.  I wanted to surprise you but I might as well tell  you anyway I went to KZN to see my uncles a few weeks ago.  We have already sent a letter to your family in Limpopo and we’re awaiting their response.  Now with the baby on the way we can do this sooner than anticipated.” 


She kept quiet without responding and of course I deserved it.  I just kissed her neck and let her be.  I held her in my arms and dozed off. 




After my intense fight with Beast I couldn’t even do anything.  I couldn’t think of eating and I most definitely didn’t want to talk to him so I resorted to the best remedy ever created - sleeping.  I lay on the bed and I must have cried myself to solid sleep.  I heard him walk in but by then I was already sleepy.  I heard him say whatever he wanted to say but I was still angry at him how I wish I had responded.  I woke up at about 5am in the morning and it was still dark outside and cold since it was winter.  I woke up because I felt an urgent need to urinate but I kept delaying.  When I went to the toilet I was gob smacked to find what was happening to me.  I couldn’t believe it it scared me so much that I just called out Beast’s name. 


Hazel: (shouting) ”Beast!  Beast!” 


He was alarmed by my behaviour and came rushing. 


Beast: (startled) “What’s wrong?  What is it?“ 


I looked down the toilet and just cried. 


Hazel: (crying) “There's... blood.  So much blood.” 


He came and checked in the toilet and he became so scared.  I had never seen him that frightened before.  He grabbed the nearest towel he could find and wrapped it around my waist.  He picked me up and grabbed his keys and put me in the car.  I had never seen him drive like such a maniac before.  I could feel the blood still dripping from my insides and all I could ever think was ”I killed my baby”. 


Beast: (petrified) “Baby we’ll get you to a hospital and you’ll be alright.  I promise you.  Our baby will be alright.” 


That was the very first time he had referred to the baby as “ours". I had no experience of miscarriages but I knew deep within that I had lost our baby.  I felt some sort of emptiness and mild cramping from my abdomen and I just knew.  It was only then that I understood the literal meaning of ”The lord giveth and the Lord taketh.” 


Job 1:21 - ” And he said “Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked shall I return. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”


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