“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”― Allen Saunders
Four weeks later...
It had been such a turbulent few weeks for Beast as well as myself. I hadn’t been myself ever since the morning after story. I had to lie to Beast and tell him that I took the pill of which I only took the day after he gave me that one. What bothered me most was keeping such a thing from him so I basically lied to the man I loved. It just wasn’t right at all. I mean I was safe I thought because a morning after pill can be taken within 72 hours but I was a little worried about the previous time we had sex without a condom. It didn’t sit well with me at all.
I could barely look him in the eye and I was a little glad he hadn’t come to visit to give me space for exams and all that. I had started eating a lot less and I guess it was all the stress of finally having to accept that my brother was no longer with us. It was a painful journey though. He kept telling me that he had a big surprise waiting for me when he would see me again and I just thought it was Beast being Beast. I was just glad that we were finally going on Holiday and that exams were finally over. It was a rough patch but we made it. He did say that we would speak about me moving out of the flat properly in person and I had been spending a lot more time with Mathilda than with Kg and Otlile. I guess they felt I was a little too depressing for their vibe or something like that but I didn’t mind spending time with Mathilda. She got me and I got her. It was our very last day of the Semester and we were just about to leave Campus.
Mathilda: “So where to from here? Is Beast coming to fetch you?”
Hazel: “Instead of flying this time he wants us to have a road trip literally. So instead of driving for 14 hours straight which is impossible we’re going to have a three day trip.”
Mathilda: (Excited) ”How I wish to meet someone as romantic as Beast when I start dating you know.”
Hazel: “Speaking of which when do you think you’ll be ready to date?”
Mathilda: (chuckling) “You won’t believe it if I tell you that I’m a virgin.”
She was right I was in disbelief.
Hazel: (shocked) “No way. I mean everyone thought you were dating Raymond at some point.”
Mathilda: “The truth is I liked him for status at that time but once he showed me that he wanted to get inside my pants I immediately dismissed him. So I have never found a guy I actually liked and one who liked me back you know. If they didn’t like my personality they liked the colour of my skin so I just didn’t want to subject myself to anything like that.”
Mathilda and I had so many similarities I mean we were both bullied although I was at the receiving end of her bullying for a long period of time but we both didn’t look 100% black as most put it and with that comes a whole lot of drama. Most people looked at us without understanding but there was nothing to understand really. We were just people. Yes Mathilda’s biological mother was coloured hence she looked the way she looked and my father was white which explained my skin colour eye colour and my curly hair. Beast was the only person apart from my friends who accepted me and looked past my looks.
Hazel: ”I hear you hey. I believe that you will find the right man when the time is right. So are you going home these holidays?”
Mathilda: (sigh) “No my father will be gone on a business trip as usual well at least that is what he says. I was planning on visiting my mother for the entire holidays but my step mother wants me to come visit for some reason. She seems rather anxious to see me and has been begging me for weeks.”
Hazel: (surprised) “Well perhaps she wants to have a relationship with you for once hey?”
Mathilda: ”I guess. I have felt so guilty about the way I have been treating her all these years and all she has ever tried to do was have a relationship with me. My therapy sessions have helped a great deal and I was able to get closure and ask her for forgiveness. She was never angry at me though. The problem has been my father all along. He just made my mom the bad person whereas she left because he was abusing her.”
I’ve always said that black girls go through so much at times parents cause us unnecessary pain and heartache.
Mathilda: “Anyway let’s go grab something to eat before you leave. What do you say?”
Hazel: ”I’d never say no to food. You know that.”
We got into her car and drove off to Eiekstad Mall which was pretty much right around the corner of our Campus. It had been so long since we both blew off some proper steam so what was initially a plan for a basic lung and drinks turned into major retail therapy. We ended up doing some shopping and with all the money in my bank account I didn’t feel bad in any way buying as much as I did of our Campus. It had been so long since we both blew off some proper steam. What had started off as a normal lunch date turned into a major shopping spree. With all the money I had in my account I felt like a millionaire. Beast gave me a monthly allowance and then there was the Bursary as well so I had quite a hefty amount to spend. After our three-hour long shopping spree we finally went to get some food.
We were famished and our stomachs were begging for food. We settled for Julian’s Café and Bar and I must say the atmosphere was amazing. The menu was quite affordable as well and the drinks were versatile. Everyone who’s ever eaten at a restaurant would know that ciders and beers there are absolutely expensive and that cocktails were cheaper. I wasn’t very fond of all the different types of alcohol but Mathilda said I should try Vodka and Redbull and we started off with some Hooch bombs first which were shooters. She and I never really drank much apart from being cooped up in her flat and talking until we passed out but that day we really released a lot of stress and had fun while at it. While we were waiting on our food which was just four pizzas.
She had just as much of an appetite as I had and she hardly gained much just like me. Unlike me she still exercised and played Hockey once a week. She said that it was one of the ways she released stress and anxiety. I really needed to take her up on that offer more especially since my supposed two best friends had become severe party animals and pretty much non-existent. The drinks were flowing while the food was being prepared for us when Kg popped up out of nowhere with a girl I had never seen before on her arm. By the look of things she was dating that girl but never told me about her.
Kg: (surprised) “Hey Hazel! Hey Mathilda! What a lovely surprise to see the two of you lunching together like good old besties!”
She looked completely different she had extra piercings on her ears and one on her nose and she had even gotten a few tattoos. I thought she was undergoing some sort of mid-life crisis but I chose not to say anything. Her statement came across as rather sarcastic and thanks to the person Mathilda had become she was not one to retaliate quickly but I on the other hand had developed some sort of anger antenna. I got angered quickly and very easily in almost every situation.
Mathilda: (smiling) “Hi Kg.”
Hazel: (frowning) “Really Kg? Was your statement necessary?”
Kg: ”Hao (goodness) I’m just asking. I mean you two are friends aren’t you?”
Hazel: ”Yes we are. Your point is?”
Kg: ”Oh nothing really. I mean it obviously didn’t take you too long to find yourself a replacement for Otlile and I. I expected you to find someone better than your high school bully.”
Mathilda was really calm but I on the other hand was fuming.
Hazel: (angrily) “If there’s nothing better for you to say to us you can keep on walking.”
Kg: ”Okay Hazel. I’m sorry I just didn’t mean what I said. You’ve become so sensitive lately you know. One would swear you’re pregnant but then you and Beast have been bonking day in day out I wouldn’t be surprised.”
She just had to go there.
Kg: ”I’m just saying. Gosh perhaps I need therapy too since you two are just overly sensitive about everything - including the truth.”
By then I had just had it. I wanted to tell her where to get off but Mathilda was really calm about the entire situation.
Mathilda: ”It’s best you leave.”
Kg: ”Okay let me not interrupt your bestie date. Bye.”
I was hyperventilating and shaking at the same time. That girl just went right under my skin in a matter of seconds.
Mathilda: ”Do you see why I keep telling you to make therapy a regular thing? You shouldn’t let people like her get to you like that.”
Hazel: “You’re right I'm sorry. It's just that - I couldn’t help it you know.”
Mathilda: (frowning) “The Hazel I know would have noticed how she was just trying to antagonize you. Maybe she is being petty because you are spending more of your time with me lately.”
Hazel: ”I actually prefer spending time with you than them besides I hardly see them anymore.”
Mathilda: “Don’t let them get to you. The food is here. Let’s dig in.”
We had ordered four pizzas; two were meaty and two were spicy but for some odd reason I couldn’t stand the smell of the spicy one. I got immediate heartburn just by the smell of it. Mathilda noticed my sudden frown.
Mathilda: “What’s wrong?”
Hazel: ”It’s just that – this pizza is making me nauseated all of a sudden. I think I’ve even developed some heartburn just by looking at it.”
Mathilda: (frowning) “You love spicy food. What happened now?”
Hazel: “I don’t know but all I know is that I won’t be eating it.”
Mathilda: ”Okay then. You can have the two meaty ones and I’ll eat the spicy ones.”
Hazel: ”Are you sure?”
Mathilda: ”Yes it’s no big deal.”
We swopped our pizza’s and ate. I ate them both without fail even though I usually had a high appetite I could hardly finish an entire pizza alone in one meal but I finished two that day and I was still hungry after that which surprised Mathilda.
Mathilda: ”You finished them both?”
Hazel: ”Yes can you believe I’m still not full?”
Mathilda: (frowning) “It happens. Shall we pay the bill and leave? Beast will flip if he finds you are not ready to leave.”
Hazel: ”Eish (oh) you know him too well.”
We paid and went to the car. The entire time Mathilda kept glancing at me strangely but didn’t elaborate further as to why. I didn’t think much of it so I let it be. She dropped me off and we said our goodbyes. Upon arrival at my flat I found Otlile home which was very strange. She looked surprised to see me home and she hid something in her bag as soon as she saw me. She even looked like she had been crying.
Hazel: (frowning) “Are you okay?”
Otlile: ”What are you doing home so early?”
Hazel: ”I’m always home. Are you alright?”
Otlile: (angrily) “Don't act like you care! I’m not Mathilda!”
She snapped at me for no reason and took her bag as she stormed to her bedroom. I became annoyed at both her and Kg for their stupid behaviour. We made a pact before we went to Stellenbosch but it seemed as if they had already forgotten about that. They just cared more and more about themselves and less about those around them. I went into my room and called Beast.
Beast: ”Hey baby. Miss me already?”
Hazel: (sigh) “When are you getting here? Please tell me that you are already on your way.”
Beast: ”I’m actually around the corner. I flew and rented a car for us. Is everything alright?”
Hazel: ”Yes I'm fine. I just miss you.”
Beast: ”Your tone says a lot about someone who’s excited to see me. Have you packed already?”
Hazel: ”Eish (Oh)...”
Beast: ”Please tell me you have packed.”
Hazel: ”I’m almost done.”
Beast: ”I'm about to park the car. Speak soon.”
He hung up and I dragged my suitcase out of the closet and started packing. He was going to be very displeased about that. Minutes later he walked in and I flew right into his arms. I hadn’t seen him in four weeks and only then did I realize just how much I had missed his touch and his scent.
Beast: (chuckling) ”Now I can see that you have missed me.”
It didn’t take long for us to be all over each other. Before we knew it we were kissing one another and our clothes were off. We got on top of the bed he took out a condom from one of my drawers put it on and we had amazing sex. It felt a lot different than all the other times I couldn’t even explain it. It was as if it was extra pleasurable and I was extra wet down there.
Beast: (breathing heavily) ”Baby moer (dammit) man! Why umnandi kanje (are you so tasty)?”
Hazel: (laughing) “Stop it Bethuel. You’ll make me shy.”
Beast: ”I’m serious. I don't know if you have gained weight or if you feel different. I mean look at your breasts – they've grown a little bit.”
Hazel: (frowning) ”What are you saying? Are you saying I’ve become fat Bethuel?”
Beast: ”No baby you’ve become voluptuous nyana (a bit) and I absolutely love it.”
Hazel: (irritated) “Mxm you're just saying that because I'm angry now.”
Beast: “I mean every word. Yini ungathi unoku’kwata nje lamalanga (why does it seem as if you get angry for no reason lately)?”
Hazel: ”Ag I don’t know what you mean. Let me get dressed so I can finish packing.”
Beast: ”Mind if I open the window and smoke?”
Hazel: ”I thought you quit.”
Beast: ”I will the day you say “I do”.
I just let him be but the moment he lit his cigarette I couldn’t stand the smell. It felt as if my entire intestines were turning upside down the moment he lit that cigarette.
Hazel: (frowning) ”Beast that smell...”
Beast: ”What? This?”
He showed me the cigarette and I ran to the toilet immediately. All my lunch came right out and went down the toilet all because of his bloody cigarette. He came rushing after me and knocked on the bathroom door.
Beast: (knocking) “Sthandwa sami (my love) is everything okay?”
Hazel: ”Yes I'll be right out.”
He waited for me right outside the bathroom door and I could still smell some of the cigarette on him. It made me queasy.
Beast: (frowning) “uRight (are you alright)?”
Hazel: ”Yes it’s just... your cigarette... the smell...”
Beast: ”I always smoke it around you and you never have had a problem with it before. Are you sure you’re not coming down with something?”
Hazel: ”I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. Let me finish packing.”
He sat on the bed and hardly said much. He just looked at me the entire time I was packing and he was starting to make me uncomfortable.
Hazel: “Are you going to tell me why you’re staring at me like that?”
Beast: “That day when I asked you if you took the pill. Did you take it?”
Hazel: “Of course I did! What are you trying to imply? That I’d lie to you about taking the pill just to fall pregnant with your child Bethuel?!”
Beast: ”Hazel can you lower your voice and calm down please? I wasn’t accusing you of anything. I simply asked you a question. Why are you getting so defensive?”
Hazel: ”I just felt attacked that’s all.”
Beast: ”How long have you had these nausea and vomiting spells?”
Hazel: ”I don’t know... Today was the first time I ever vomited for no reason at all. I think I just need a detox that’s all. Besides I had some Vodka and Redbull today that might have been the cause to my reaction.”
Beast: (nodding) “Okay. Are you ready to go?”
Hazel: ”Let me just change into this jean hold on a second.”
I put the jean on the bed and took off the one I was wearing. I put on the one I had placed on the bed but when I tried pulling it up from my thighs it got stuck. It didn’t want to go up any further. It was very unusual for me because I wasn’t a weight gainer at all. I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that I had actually gained quite a few kilo’s. The jean wouldn’t go up which left me so frustrated that I started crying. I burst into tears as if I had lost something so dear to me.
Beast: (surprised) “Yini manje (what is it)? Why are you crying?”
Hazel: (crying) “This... My jean... It won’t fit me any more. You were right I’m fat now. Look at me. What is this shit Bethuel?”
Beast: “Hazel come on now. Gaining weight is part of life. You shouldn't’ cry over it.”
The more he said that the more I cried. I just took off the pair of jeans and wore a pair of leggings instead while crying. Beast looked at me in so much shock he had no idea what to do or how to comfort me. Something in his look said to me that he knew something wasn’t right with me. I felt so over emotional so hypersensitive and I had no idea why.
Beast: ”I'll go put the bags in the car.”
He barely said a word to me after that. I pulled myself together grabbed my hand bag and we were off. During the entire car ride we were just listening to music in complete silence. It was as if we were both thinking of something really deep. He turned at a robot and stopped at a nearby shopping complex and switched off the car.
Hazel: ”What are you buying?”
Beast: ”When was the last time you had your period?”
Just like that Beast dropped a bomb question on me. A million thoughts were running through my mind at that point and a million more possibilities of what would happen should my thoughts be true. I tried to think as far as possible and as hard as I could but I couldn’t recall using my pads that months.
Beast: (raised eyebrows) “I asked you a question.”
Hazel: ”I... I can't recall.”
Beast: (nodding) “Ngiyabuya (I’ll be back).”
He left me in the car and I started panicking. I kept thinking of all the negatives his family will most probably have thought that I did it intentionally and what about him? He would have thought the same because I had misplaced the first morning after pill he had bought for me. So I decided to dial a friend for some advice.
Mathilda: ”Hey are you gone already?”
Hazel: ”Friend you won’t guess what just happened.”
I explained to her what happened from the moment Beast arrived at the flat. The entire time she was listening attentively without interrupting me. And then finally she spoke.
Mathilda: ”Well I wanted to ask you the very same question earlier on when you said that the pizza was making you nauseous.”
Hazel: (shocked) “What? Am I that ignorant?”
Mathilda: ”Well I mean you have gained some weight and I just thought that it was due to exam stress and with everything that’s been happening in your life recently but with all the mood swings I did suspect it.”
Mathilda: ”It is not the end of the world Hazel.”
Hazel: ”No you don’t get it. Beast doesn’t want children.”
Mathilda: ”It’s not that it is the fact that you’re still young and chasing after your dream. He doesn’t want to come in between you and your goals. He is a good guy Hazel. Just be honest with him and hear him out as well.”
Hazel: ”Okay I have got to go. He’s coming back.”
Mathilda: ”Okay talk soon.”
We hung up and Beast got back into the car with a plastic bag. I could tell he had bought some pregnancy tests.
Beast: ”Is there anything you need before we hit the road? We’re going to be on the road for a few hours.”
Hazel: (shaking head) “No.”
Beast: ”Alright then.”
Off we went and yet again we were listening to music without saying a word to one another. It felt so tense one could cut through the tension with a butter knife even. We stopped by our first place of accommodation a nice lodge not very far from Stellenbosch. We checked in and the moment we went into our room Beast told me he would be right back. He took a while so I assumed he was taking a smoke. He came back smelling like cigarettes which confirmed my suspicions. He placed the plastic bag he had that afternoon on the bed and looked at me.
Beast: “Can you please take these?”
I opened the plastic bag and saw about three pregnancy tests fall out.
Hazel: ”I’m not pregnant Beast.”
Beast: ”There is only one way to find out.”
I took them with to the bathroom and slammed the door right in his face. I was so annoyed that he would think that I was pregnant but I was more annoyed at myself. I kept blaming myself I mean what would that mean for our relationship? I couldn’t even think straight and I started crying silently before even peeing on the damn sticks. My life was about to change whether the test came out positive or negative. Somehow I sensed that things were never going to be the same again between Beast and I.
John 17:17 - “Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.”