I could strangle her! I could… Damnit!! She is so beautiful and so peaceful. She looks like an angel she is an angel. My angel. Always has been and always will be even in death. I have a very good mind to smother her with this pillow in my hand and bury her behind the huts. I believe I would get away with it squeaky clean. I know I would. But I can’t. I wouldn’t live with myself and she’s pregnant. I’d be killing an innocent soul; my own flesh and blood. So I settle to watch her sleep tonight. I can hear her peacefully breathing. I can see the blood rushing through her veins and on her cheeks. Her heart is beating normally and peacefully. You would swear she is still as innocent as a new born baby. But what I will not forgive is the betrayal from Zamani. I married Leya! She is mine and the dog had no absolute right to even touch her. The anger in me is building up and the more I try not to think about it the more I do and then my anger escalates! “Is everything okay?” – He asks as he picks up the phone. “Yeah did you arrive safely?”- I sent him packing as soon as I found out. I told him he needs to be in the Cape Town for some package I was expecting. I hope he finds it waiting for him. Tonight I sleep next to my wife and tomorrow we are on the road. I do not care what she or mother says. I cannot stay here anymore. Zothando is here too. If she sees me I’ll just… I might just kill her too. I still cannot believe that she is not pregnant never was. The bitch faked it all. At first I didn’t catch on when she would refuse for me to touch her even when we were both asleep on the same bed. We hardly had sex ever since she broke the news to me. Her faux belly almost fooled me but we all know that secrets don’t go hidden forever. So a few days ago we met at the usual hotel for breakfast in our suite. I tell her that I need to go home early and she says she needs to take a shower and freshen up for a meeting with a friend. I left but then in the elevator I realised I had left my wallet on the bed pedestal. I open the door and I find some cushion like hump with straps. I call out to her as I head to the bathroom. I open the door and she is as skinny as she was when we started this whole affair shit!! I left after burning that motherfucker down! ** Itis morning our bags are packed and we are ready to hit the road. Well to Mthatha airport. I am in no bloody right mood to drive and believe me when I say I would never make it to Cape Town in the state that I am. I have tried as much as I can to not think about it but the images in my mind are playing tricks on me. I keep seeing her in that red dress being dominated by him. My mind has shown me all types of scenarios; How he touched her and where and when. Fuck! I wonder if she even reached an orgasm like she always did when I was inside of her all those nights I made love to her. We are here at the airport. She tries to touch me but I just can’t. I still have not come to terms of forgiveness. I will forgive her without her even knowing it but not now. Right now we need to get on that air craft and get the hell out of here before I pop! My phone rings. Just the man I wanted to talk to. “Jimmy is the parcel shipped?” – “Just as you requested. On a Navy Blue Jaguar. I will wait on your call” – “Good Job. And the funds?” – I ask. “Ten Million American Dollars transferred between Accounts L.E.Y.M and L.I.S.M” – “You are a good man Jimmy. Your package will be in your mail in two days as agreed.” – “I hope so.” – he says and hangs up. I take a deep breath and relax. I look at her. She looks drained. I hardly said a word to her since morning when I told her to pack. She has tried to touch me and converse but I can’t. ** 4 hours of an interconnecting flight and finally we are here. He’s here to pick us up. He smiles. I could wipe the smug off that face. All in good time! My phone rings Culo? “Culo?” – “I can’t! I can’t take it anymore” – she’s crying and sniffling. I can’t hear her clearly. “Culo calm down. Talk to me” – “We just landed! We took the company jet. He even dreams about her. Mkhululi he even dreams about her. How long is your wife going to dominate my husband? Huh! It’s bad enough that she kissed him now all he wants is to be close to her. He promised we’ll stay for a few more days but… suddenly we have to be in Cape Town. Am I not good enough for him?” – My ears have become deaf. I look at her as she sits next to me looking out the window of this car. I end the call with Culo and right now it is taking all that is in me to not strangle her with my bare hands. Pregnant or not Cataleya has fucken! Crossed the line!! I was prepared to buy her a house in the Seychelles for heaven’s sake. I wanted us to elope! And start a new life! We are here. The car comes to a halt. Zamani opens for me and I walk around to go and open for her. “wait for me here I’ll be leaving again” – I whisper to him as Leya struggles to get out of the car. I help her. “are you okay?” – she asks. I look at her and exhale. How do I tell her that I know that she’s had an affair with our driver and that she exchanged saliva with my younger brother? how does one tell that to his wife? “talk to me” – she begs. I look at her and exhale one more time. “we’ll talk later. I need to make some calls.” – I walk faster heading inside the house. I am up the stairs and straight into our bedroom. It looks different. It feels different to even call it that because the person I share it with has decided to give me a taste of my own medicine by betraying me with the two closest people I trusted. Someone is gonna die tonight! My only companion right now is the glass of whiskey in my hand and the half empty bottle in front of me on the floor. I’ve had three doubles already but my thirst has not been quenched yet. I can hear her slowly walking in. she is breathing heavily. I am still lost in my own thoughts staring at the bottle in front of me. “is everything okay?” – she asks. I am close to being fed with her whining. “does it seem like it’s not?” – I ask. Staring at her she quickly looks away. she moves closer to me attempting to sit. I get up and stand in the middle of the room. I look at the time just 5 more minutes before I press that button and it’s goodbye to problem number one! Trust me I will not even flinch. “Zamani thinks Brenda has gone back to Argentina” – No he doesn’t. he knows the bitch is dead but she she doesn’t know that. “how could you not tell me? Huh? How the fuck did you think Zwelonke will get rid of the evidence without my help? What the hell were you doing there in the first place?” – I know all the answers to these questions. But I need her to tell me. I need to see the look of regret on her face when she tells me. at least I will be able to forgive her when she begs and promises to never do it again. That’s how it happens right? That’s how it’s supposed o happen. She messes up I find out she apologises stroking yet my ego and I forgive her knowing that she will only be loyal and faithful to me. But no! not the woman I am married to. Not the feisty woman she has become. Maybe back then when our relationship was still new maybe she would have but not this one before me. not the one I call my wife. She‘s quiet. Not crying or trying to beg me as I have expected. “I am talking to you! what the hell were you doing there with that woman?” – I am shouting. The alcohol has made it’s way up my head and I am seeing fuzzy pictures. “you had better say something before I wipe the floor with your face” – I threaten. She raises her head and gives me dagger eyes. “You already know” – she says and what follows is the back of my hand on her face she falls on the pillows and screams in agony. The hell!! She showed no remorse at all. not even a tiny pinch. “You have the nerve” – I say pointing at her feeling the heat of the whiskey and anger travelling through my body. “No! you have the nerve.” – she screams totally going crazy in tears and anger. – “you think it was easy? Having you cheat on me severally and I forgive you? having to experience all sorts of things because of you? Malinga I needed to feel special for once and he gave me that!!” – she’s venting out and blaming me for all that she has done. Was I the once who said she must kill Mthunzi Ezile? was it my fault? Is it also my fault that she had an affair with Zamani and my bother!! No!! this is all her. “well he won’t anymore’ – I say and light a cigarette. I know she’s pregnant but I need to smoke. “what do you mean?” – she asks. MJ walks in. I have no words for the boy. He is going on and on about having a dream about Leya and wondering if she’s okay. They talk about Q. If I ever see that boy in my house I swear I would panel beat him. I make it evident to MJ that I am still against his life decision. I end up hitting him when he chooses to disrespect me in my house talking about things he has no information about. I take out my phone and dial the special number. I am infuriated. They jump to the explosion that happens outside. I look at her she looks at me. I sigh and finish the glass of whiskey. “I warned him”. The keys of her BMW are in my hand and I am out of there. I told you I would not flinch! One problem down she looks at me. I sigh and finish the glass of whiskey. “I warned him”. The keys of her BMW are in my hand and I am out of there. I told you I would not flinch! One problem down one more to go! ** I am here parked outside the family house. Zwelonke’s car is here I know he is too because they arrived an hour ago when Culo called me. I am up the stairs straight towards their private wing of the house. “brother?” – he smiles but it soon fades when he sees the pistol in my hand pointing straight at him. Culo appears. “brother what are you doing?” – he asks “I told you stay away didn’t i?”- I ask. Anger heating up real fast. I’m about to kill somebody up in this joint. “please don’t kill him!! Please” – she begs. I look at her. “I thought you wanted it to end. I thought you couldn’t take it anymore. Well here I am ending it all” – “not like this please. He’s my husband…” – she begs. “I warned you brother. Begged you and threatened you to stay away from her. SHE IS MINE!!!” – “YOU STOLE HER FROM ME!!”- he roars!! I shoot one up in the air she screams. “Culo get out of here before you die for your so called husband’s sins” – she runs away. “Go on brother! Kill me! I hope you will feel good about yourself.” – “do not patronise me!” – I threaten! “I’m not! I am not denying that I am inlove with Leya always have!! And all you did was try to push me into Culo. I don’t know my child because of you. You paid Asanda to disappear with my child because you knew Culo wouldn’t marry me and that meant me being occupied by the only thing you wanted only for yourself; LEYA!! you stole her from me brother. You took the only thing I lived for I still do now until you decide to pull the trigger and kill me.” – “alright you’ve said your piece. Now it’s my time. LEYA IS MY WIFE!! THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN! THE QUEEN! MY QUEEN! AND YOUR SISTER IN LAW” – “SHE’S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE…” – he roars. My fingers pull the trigger and I watch him slowly go down. Culo comes out rushing in tears. I know she heard it all. I could see her shadow down the passage. I leave her crying. My two problems are down! Now let me go home and tell my wife to pack. We are leaving this damn country! The damn Throne! I do not want it anymore! ** PRESENT “You are back? How was it?” – she asks. Her name is Anna. She’s my live in physiotherapist and basically my caregiver since I can’t do half of the things I could when I could walk. I am deflated and all I need is bed but she doesn’t care. The time is 4pm and I know that ‘our’ schedule says I watch television for and hour while I eat junk food. Usually physio’s and adults do not encourage that but mine? She enforces it. I found her at the hospital and signed her a confidentiality contract worth three time her salary. “She was at the park today again.” – she says pushing me to the lounge. I know who she’s talking about. I asked her to keep tabs whenever I’m out. “was she alone?” – I ask. “Yes” – she exhales I can sense that she feels sorry for her. “and the diary copies?” – I ask looking at her hoping she has what I want. She exhales one more time as she walks towards the kitchen counter and comes back with an A4 envelope. “she’s still grieving. Hoping that all this is a dream. But she did mention you well the man in a wheelchair. She had Goosebumps that day. That a dark aura was around you. even though she couldn’t see you she knew some dark power was there. The only time she felt relief was when you had left” – “Thanks Anna. I’ll read it tonight.” – I say and place it on the table next to me. “Listen. I know I’m not her but if you need to talk I’m here. As a friend or anything” – I nod feeling heavy. I did say that I want to sleep but hey an episode of THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR is on. She’s laughing her lungs out here next to me and all I have on my mind is the mess of my life. I look over at Anna she’s dressed in trainee shorts and a sweater. “aren’t you cold?” – I ask. She shakes her head and looks at me. “are you cold?”- I shake my head. “Mal? Are you okay?” – she asks. Since she struggled with pronouncing my full name I told her to call me by surname then suddenly one day I was no longer Malinga but Mal. “I’m fine”- I look away. “can I get you anything?” – she asks again. “Can you bring Leya?” – “You know that is quite impossible. You are dead remember?” – she reminds me.- “all I can offer is a massage. Now or after dinner?” – “now please.” – I beg. SHe smiles and pushes me to our session room. It’s like a mini spar. I gave her the money and told her to make it comfortable and this is what she had made. It’s always awkward when she helps me take off my clothes. hence we switch off the lights. “the zip…” – she says. I unzip my pants I can feel her hands on my legs as she pulls off my pants. I can feel the cold temperature against my skin as I am now left in only my boxers. The lights are back on. She grabs the timer and the struggle to get me off the chair onto the bed begins. Phew! Finally. She grabs the timer panting and checks. “hmm. Not bad. 47 seconds faster than yesterday” – she says putting it away. “chest or back?” – she asks. “back especially my waist and spinal cord. It’s like they are in knots or something.” – I complain. She gets on top of the bed straddles on top of my legs just below my butt. Her hands are warm and soft and… hmmmm. “Mal?” – “Yes Anna?”- “I’ve been meaning to ask…Can you.. uhm.. can you get it up? I mean is it also affected?” – I didn’t realise how serious it is until now. Her crush on me it’s massive and she can’t hide it. “Anna I’m married. And quite older than you!” – “I’m sorry” – she says and continues. I have never been with a white woman before neither have I been with someone 14 years younger than me. On top of everything else she’s still a virgin. I am in no position of pleasure to deflower her. I have far more bigger and important things to worry about. “Listen I know you get lonely sometimes. You can have friends over but remember the rules.” – The pleasure and passion of her hands on my back have me almost speaking in tongues. “Thanks but I don’t have friends. You know my family is in Durban. And you know how boring it is to go out alone.” – “what can I do to make you happy Anna? Ofcourse whatever it is should be within the grounds of our agreement and the rules.” – I warn. Her hands have not stopped rubbing onto my skin in a warm and softly passionate way. “I’d love to go out you know. Have lunch dinner. Go to the beach. Watch a movie. Do silly things you know. I mean I’ve never really done all those things with someone. I’m always alone.” – she says. “why?” – I ask. This is how we end opening to each other. It starts with a simple conversation and before you know it she tells me about a stupid crush she had in primary school. Or how she was always a nerd and a weirdo that she never felt comfortable in anything. She’s quite a beautiful young woman. Completely evolved from what she described to have been. “I’ve never had a boyfriend Mal. You know this. Even my first kiss was just a peck.” – Where on earth did I find this ‘child’!! “Can you…” – her voice breaks. She’s nervously anxious. –“you know…” “what?” – I ask. “Show me… please” – she begs. I do not want to see the look on her face. Thank God I am paralysed. I clear my throat. “uhm… Please call the driver and tell him to take me to the park at 12 tomorrow. Maybe she’ll be there again.” – she’s knows who I’m talking about. “okay” – I can hear the disappointment in her voice. She gets off me and rushes out. I hear sniffling as she disappears leaving me laying there on my stomach. I am too old for this!