prayed through fitting in

God such an amazing man when everything is going well in your life but hey right now to me he's someone who's absentwho doesn't carenever cared and never will.I honestly feel like a huge mistake and my parents add to that.Its sad and hard. I am Vusumuzi Luthuli.Am a son of a priestI am raised in a God acknowledging family.I love church a lot I never miss a day. It's been 15 years now trying to fight this supposedly "demon".But it wins every time that I ended up giving upthis is who I am no matter how much I try to hide it.I've got a girlfriend that is also my best friend.We have not done anything it's a custom for us Christiansno marriage no sexto me that was more than a blessing.Her name is Thandolwethua beautiful smart young lady.I am turning on my bed battling in my mind if I should tell her this or gonna break her heart and not telling her will break her heart even more.I have just got employed at a primary schoolI have a a degree in teaching.I will be teaching intermediate. As nervous as I am but I try to be professional. My students are still handleable so its not so hard to be around them.Just finished wrapping up for the day and am exhaustedwe've been revising its close to December exams the pressure is too high.Its Friday so I catch a taxi back home. .... Mom: Ow am glad you're here I invited Lwethu over for supper....oh great just great. I smile Me: Am glad but was thinking of taking her out Mom: Tomorrow is still a day Me: Fine thenI'll be in the dining room if you need me ... This isn't. A huge house3 bedrooms. I am the only child yeah creepy.I pray every night that mom gets pregnant but nothing. You can't hide a dead cat under the carpetsooner or later it'll tell by the smell.I am making these papers for trail testsI must say am thrilled by my students performance. dad joins me with he's got a newspaper in his hands Dad: Son Me: Dad...I don't move my eyes from the paper am marking Dad: Change the channel....oh am watching music.I switch to animal planet ..... We continue I'm minding our own business until mom interrupted the peaceful moment Mom: I thought you both were dead here Me: uhm just a minute....I write the total and fold the papers and put them in the bag... Done!you were saying? Mom: Babahave you told him yet?...she wearing the widest smile that I have only seen in her wedding pictures. Dad puts away his newspaper takes off his glasses.and clears his throat. whatever it is that he's going to say concerns "marriage" and I am really not up for this conversation Me: I think your pots are.....I run out to the kitchenmom running behind me.she stares at me and folds her arms as she realizes her stove is turned off.she's giving me that "what are you doing " look Me: I don't wanna hear it Mom: Its been 2 years mtanami you hav-....I respond before she finsh Me: I have to do the right thing blah blah blah..what if I don't wanna get married Mom: That is insane! Me: And what if I don't even have feelings for Lwethu? Do you guys ever consider my needs? Why am I being punished for being your son? Mom: Vusi....calmly Me: No mamaI don't wanna marry lwethu and I don't love herI never did ..... Someone clears their throat behind meits Her with glassy eyesI exhale hard before I run after her because she just stormed out and left the flowers and paper bag she had down on the kitchen floor. Me: Lwethu wait!...she exited the yardthe drama on the street? I'll pass I stop and watch her as she goes ...... I had sent her a message the previous night asking to meet up tomorrow so I can explain.Bring an angel that she isshe agreed. after my father said the only ticket to get in his house tomorrow is having Lwethu in my handtellinh him the wedding's date.Xolani calls I just ignore itits a long story I won't even go there.He writes me a message "I can't wait forever "adding to my frustrations.I fall asleep deep in my thoughts. .... I am at Wimpy waiting for Lwethu to show upI keep at glancing at my watch.time isn't waiting for us.I text her "if you wanna have breakfast here

they stop serving @ 10:30where are you".I only see her when she sits opposite mewe sitting on the sofas at the corner. Me: Hey Her: Hey Me: Uhm I don't even know where to start am ashamed Her: No you shouldn't beyou're honest Me: In a wrong way though. Her: What's going on?....I exhale hardhow do I say this? Me: Promise to help me through this Her: You're scaring meis it another woman? Me: Something like that but...its not not a woman....I look down as pray she gets what am saying with me having to say itthe puzzled look in her face is making it compulsory to say Me: Am gay...I close my eyes for a longest what looks like 5 minutesmy heart beating faster regretting why did I even call her here. .... But then again someone had to knowmy life was a complete lie.ibhated every moment together with hergirls are always ahead of themselves I knowshe had imagined our future together and it was a done deal.I feel her soft tiny fingers pulling my hand gently. I open my eyes.Her face shows she's breaking inside. No matter how much she can act his cool with glassy eyes deep down she's breaking down.I can't even look at her longer than 3 seconds. Her: Follow your heart... That took time to reach my understanding cell.she's freeing me? I thought she was gonna freak at me and leave me herebut this was least of what I expected.. ..... Dad: Why there won't be a wedding Lwethu: Because Vusi is interested to the same sex Mom: Oh hhayi thixo wami!...she puts her both hands over her head Dad: what are you saying to me young lady? Don't you have a mouth now?!...he snaps at me. Me: I lobe other men Dad: leave everything I have Bought you and get the hell out of my houseI raised you well Vusumuzitaught you all the has to be knownstook you to expensive schools..I pai- Me: You were doing what every parent should have done! don't guilt trip me for taking responsibility this is who I am dad.I led on the poor girl for whole 2 years just because of you and your crazy beliefs Dad: God doesn't allow thisthis is against our beliefplease son first make sure you can't really try and love Lwethu Me: the same God that created me? my God made me this.I love lwethu but as a friend my heart is with Xolani that is the person I love and that am going to marry. I take my booksafter the huge argument I texted Xolani to fetch me.I am waiting on the gate with Olwethu beside meI have no words to thank herwho stands up for someone who has led them on for this long and only they turn to be gay.Xolani arrives as I run through those thoughts Me: Thanks for doing this Olwethu: Anytime...we hug and we drive off. ..... Its been a whole year straight.Olwethu and Xolani has turned out to be very close and whenever I am with them I feel like an outsider. I have prayed everynightevery dayevery single second for my parents to forgive mr someday and take me as their son again.I only see them at church no Hi no nothing.just the anger in my father's eyespain in mom's eyes and regrets in my heart.Xolani and I have been engaged for 6 months now.This Sunday is our weddingand they even closer with Lwethu the planning and stuff is all they are busy about. Xolani: Aren't you scared? ....he says as he puts his head on my chest and I put my arm around her. Me: Nowhy would I be?... Xolani: The judgment of the society Me: I don't care about them. Xolani: One day to go...I smile and he lift his head up we share a kiss. ........ I am standing in the alter my heart beating faster.I can't believe today in front of all these witnesses I am going to vow to spend the rest of my life with him. the paino plays as his father walks him in I couldn't be happier I am even failing of holding tears back.everyone is on their feethis father gives him to me and we shake hands. We say our vows.after before I could day "I do" mom and dad walked in hand in hand.the smile they wore. .... At the reception we waited for them to come in. Dad: I am proud of you son...he said shaking my hand and hugging me crying. Me: Thanks dad Dad: I hope God forgives me for what I did Mom: He will love. My life became a blessing the moment they walked in on that church door on my wedding

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