[JANUARY 26 2020]
I toss and turn for a few seconds on the bed with my eyes still closed. Restlessness.
I've been having that for the past few days but today it's different I feel like there's a pair of eyes starring at me heavy eyes that don't move no matter which way or position I sleep in. My eyes feel heavy as I open them and sit up.
I moan and groan at the same time touching my sore body. I woke up ten minutes ago but I haven't moved or done anything.
It's in the middle of the night so what would I have done anyway. My eyes fully adjust to the dimly lit room and they fall on a figure as I look around and it has eyes!!
That's what it says as I try to jump off the bed and lunge to the door but my plan fails before I even execute it because I'm grabbed and pinned against the bed.
Hands over my head and one of his hands over my mouth so I don't scream. I'm too short to die honestly I still need to grow a few inches.
He says sternly and my eyes pop out as soon as I recognize him and look at him holding me down and he sighs.
"I'll let you go if you promise not to scream"-him
I breath out through my nose and nod vigorously as he gets off me and removes the hand over my mouth.
"What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in prison?"-me
I sit up still shocked by the man standing in the middle of my bedroom.
The devil better be a liar and this a dream God please intervene. I'll try not to sin ever again.
"I got out"-Jackson
"You still shouldn't be here!"-me
I half yell as he raises an eyebrow and I compose myself climbing off the bed and walking over to lock the door.
"Does your wife know that you're here? Do you have any idea what this could lead to if people find out about you being here?"-me
I turn to him still in shock and disbelief and he sighs tucking his hands in his pockets and I gulp still standing next to the door.
"I just got out and you're the first person I wanted to see"-Jackson
"That makes me feel better about your presence thank you"-me
Note the sarcasm.
He chuckles and sits on the corner of the bed and I watch him closely as he clasps his hands together.
He looks up at me and I inhale sharply.
"Please tell me... tell me why you're so commited to ruining my life"-me
He gets up and walks over to me he grabs both of my arms as soon as he gets to me and stares down at me.
This is not a dream he can touch me the blue eyed and blonde haired man above has found another way to disappoint at this moment.
"I'm not trying to ruin your life"-Jackson
"Then what are you doing? Your married"-me
"I love you"-Jackson
I need a moment or seven to process this.
I remove his hands from me and walk to the other side of the room I love him to but f*ck this!
"I thought we were over this a thousand times before"-me
I turn to him with folded arms and he inhales sharply.
"I know but we meant something didn't we? We weren't just a flame that was..."-Jackson
"That's exactly what we were Jackson. A flame that nearly destroyed the both of us me mostly"-me
I point at my chest making that statement as I interrupt him and he looks down at me and we're meters apart across the room just looking at each other.
"A flame that changed both of our lives for the better"-Jackson
"And for the worst"-me
My eyes are glossy lips dry and my throat parched. I can't handle this.
"Not completely we had our good times memories we made the love we made and confessed to each other don't tell me it meant nothing to you"-Jackson
"It meant everything to me but you know we were never bound to be"-me
I throw my arms down as he stares at me and doesn't move a muscle.
"How do you know?"-Jackson
"The signs are everywhere can't you see?"-me
He still doesn't move and stares at me maybe we should just pull a Romeo and Juliet thingy he can drink poison and I'll die by my own hand through a sword. Call it suicide or whatever but it'll be for love.
But at least we'll die in each other's arms ours will be the most perfect
We'll die for love and yes I'm daydreaming because our lives were not written by Shakespeare.
"The only thing I can see is love the love I..."-Jackson
"Please don't I have a lot going on and an ex convict in the middle of my bedroom is one of them"-me
A pang of pain is visible on him but that's quickly covered up by a cold hard face.
"You think I don't?"-Jackson
"We both do that's why I think we should just stick to what we had decided before you got arrested... We can't be together ever"-me
I can't believe these words are being said by me but hey life is a b*tch isn't he?
"We both said those words out of hurt we had no other choice"-Jackson
He walks over to me and we stand inches apart being so close to him revokes a lot of things. Both bad and good things.
"We do now let's make a better one"-Jackson
My lips run dry all over again and I blink rapidly. I shouldn't be feeling like this I talked myself over this and I made a rational and mature decision to stay away from Jackson Sandler.
"There's no better decision than this you have two kids and a wife at home. That's who you belong with"-me
"And you? Who do you belong with? Because I know it is with me"-Jackson
"I just started a new job I'm still trying to find my happily ever after"-me
"It's the same one you're rejecting I'm standing right infront of you"-Jackson
He holds my hand without stepping closer and gently squeezes them. Why am I not fighting him? Well I still stupidly and hopelessly love him after everything.
"Jackson please leave"-me
I say lowly once I finally put together the strength to pull my hand back as he sighs.
"If that's what you want then... I have nothing else left to say to convince you"-Jackson
He steps closer and I take a step back he takes two steps closer and I take a few more back until I'm backed by the wall.
"I won't do anything to you"-Jackson
He runs his hand over my cheek and cups it before pinning me against the wall and looking down at me.
"I'm sorry for everything and for the heartbreak and grief I've caused you"-Jackson
His hand is cold that's holding me against the wall and so are his eyes.
"I'm sorry too for wrecking your home"-me
He steps away from me and looks at me briefly while taking steps back before fully turning and walking out the now unlocked door.
It gently closes behind him and I slide down the wall and hug my legs. I feel like a white blonde girl for doing this but my knees are weak.
I bury my face in my hands and sob into them as my body trembles. Emotional pain equates to physical pain. Who would've knew?
"I'm sorry baby. You'll understand one day...hopefully"-me
I touch my still flat stomach and sink my teeth into my bottom lip. The majority of the population in South Africa doesn't have both parents.
And they're all fine okay I'm lying. It's fucked up from East to West to North it's damaged and so will you my little minion. I am too but that's alright.
"We'll be fine"-me
I rock myself back and forth self soothing. It does help but not all the way. It needs a father.
The one thing I never had but promised myself that my kids would but like I said life is a bitch and not the bad bitch kind. Honestly.
"Are you okay? I thought I heard you talk to someone"-Nicole
She sleepily walks in rubbing her eyes but becomes fully awake when she sees me on the floor.
"Babe what happened are you okay?"-Nicole
She comes over to kneel next to me and covers me in her warm arms as I close my eyes and inhale sharply.
"Yeah I'm fine"-me
The tears don't stop as she looks down at me and sighs.
"Were you thinking about him?"-Nicole
"He's impossible to get over"-me
That's true my heart will forever and always yearn for the man who gave me both love and pleasure as well as security I felt safe with him.