Sanga arrives and finds me sitting on the couch blank she just pulls me in her arms.. Sanga : I'm sorry friend this is also my fault Me : it's not Her : if I never made you talk to him that day we saw him outside mug&bean all of this wouldn't have happened Me : still I'm the one who chose to do business with him Her : this is messed up you haven't heard anything from Jr? Me : no what if something happened to him sanga? I'd never forgive myself . Her : I'm sure his okay Jason will find him what did the police say? Me : his going to be charged with attempted murder if only I could've just left that stupid glass of wine where it was I wouldn't have ... Her : hey stop it don't do that you didn't do anything wrong junior should've listened to you and it's not like he walked in to you kissing him I just feel like his been waiting for something like this to happen fact that he didn't even wait to hear your explanation. Me : my husband is about to get arrested for attempted murder and his gone Awol right now that's the only thing stressing me Sanga : did JR hurt you? Me : no he didn't Her : you're a bad liar you know that Me : he didn't hit me Her : did he put his hands on you? Me : no Her : then why do you have bruises around your neck ? I didn't even notice them... Me : he was upset Her : I don't think he should be putting you through the same thing Siya put you through Me : his not Her : chomy let's face it he has anger issues and maybe some day his not going to choke but hit you Jason walks in and I stand up... Me : did you find him? Jason : no I called everyone he usually chills with and I looked everywhere I can't find him He sits down... Me : maybe we should call your father Him : no don't JR will come back when his okay I'm just worried he might do something stupid Sanga : something like what? Jason : whatever it is let's just hope it's not extreme Me : let me show you something.. I lead them to the office... Jason : did he do this? Me : yeah.. Sanga: this is bad Jason : is the guy still alive? Me : he pressed charges so he is Sanga : this is a lot of blood it's almost like he was stabbing him Jason suddenly has this really worried face.. Him : I have to go Me : where are you going? Him : to find my twin Me : Jason! He turns and looks at me.. Him : Awoke I don't know what happened here but I know where ever junior is his not okay I need to find my brother. He leaves... Sanga puts her arm over my shoulder.. Her : babe I think you should go rest I'll clean this up if Luniko wakes up I'll take care of him Me : okay I walk upstairs and take a long cold shower then I get in bed and sleep I get unsettling dreams and wake up when I check the time it's almost 10 pm. I wear my robe and walk downstairs Sanga is watching TV Lu is asleep on the couch right next to her.. Me : why didn't you wake me up? Her : you needed to rest Me : thank you Her : I cooked your food is in the oven Me : I'm not hungry Her : you need to eat something Me : has Jason called? Her : no I take my phone and try to call jay It's still on vice mail I try calling Jason his phone is also now on voice maili sit down.. Sanga : his not picking up? Me : I don't know what to do anymore Her : you can't do anything just wait Me : you're sleeping over? Her : yeah.. Me : okay I'm going to bed I pick up Lu.. Her : I'm coming She switches off everything while I go to put Lu in bed then I get in my bed and Sanga joins me... Her : it's going to be okay Me : I didn't think it would get this far friend I've never seen jay like that it was worse than what it was when he was beating up Siya.. he could've killed Liam he just kept hitting him against the wall so hard even though he was bleeding endlessly I don't know if I can face that side of him. Sanga : when you married him you knew he was troubled Me : yes but I didn't know he could be this brutal Her : you'll face things with him I'm sure he can explain what happened I mean you'd also be angry if you walked to him holding a girl that only has a bra on Me : it's not the same Her : I know I'm just making a point look baby what he did was not right but I do understand the idea behind him doing it you know how much he loves you that man would kill for you so seeing you like that with another man might have shook something in him... I close my eyes... Her : His going to come back he probably just needs time to think or he knows the cops are looking for him Me : I just wish I could know his okay Her : I know... get some sleep okay? Me : thank you for being here Her : you know I always will. I fall asleep to the sad..sad thought of junior broken where ever he is I wish I could rewind the time and do everything differently not open the gate for Liam or leave that glass of wine as it was or just tell him I'm sorry for ruining his shirt not offer to clean it or rather give him the cloth to do it himself... but then I realize there's nothing I can change I realize that things might be more broken that they should've been. I start blaming myself for my warmth and kindness and Junior for his short temper and anger issues. . I blame Liam for his perseverance..for coming to my house and have the nerve of pressing charges. I know jay can find a way to make the whole thing disappear but I fear he might not want to when he knows the real story I'm scared he might want that punishment and I can't bare the thought of him torturing himself like that. I'm stolen by my sleep and it's very dark darker than it was when I fell asleep the first time I wake up to my morning sweating.. Sanga is already up and getting dressed.. Her : are you okay? Me : just a bad dream you're leaving? Her : I'm just going to get a few things I'll come back Me : okay. She lives moments later I make breakfast for Luniko and drink a smoothie because I can feel my energy fading and I don't have appetite. I bath my boy and put him in his play room then I go wash it's been 2 days and there's still no news about jay I'm busy putting on lotion... Jay : did I do that to you? I startle and feel like my heart is stopping I turn and look at him tempted to run to him and hug him but I can't.. Me : junior Him : did I give you that bruise? Me : I hit the table when you pushed me.. He comes close to me and holds my chin up he sees the now fading bruises of his hands.. Him : I'm sorry Me : where have you been? Him : it doesn't matter I can't believe I put my hands on you. Me : Junior I was trying to wipe his shirt that I spill with wine nothing was happening... Him : I know Me : who told... Him : Awonke what I did to that guy doesn't matter it's what I did to you that's a problem and I can never forgive myself for it.. He looks down.. Him : My son saw me with my hands around your neck I'm not a good man but I'm not that kind of man what I did is just like what Siya did to you and if Awonke I can put my hands like that on you when I'm angry then... He takes a deep breath.. Me : then what Junior? Him : then it means one day I'll get really mad and hit you Me : you'll never hit me Him : did you know i'll strangle you until I did? Me : no Him : exactly Me : what are you saying? Him : I'm saying I'm sorry and that whatever happens I'll remain sorry and I get it if you hate me Me : I'll never hate you you just showed me a side I didn't know existed in you.. the way you beat him up jay it was like you're not beating up a person it was very brutal Him : I need to go away for a while Me : why? Him : the police and I can't tell my dad about this so I need to find a way for the charges to disappear then.. I don't know what step follows next Me : for the first time I don't know either I don't even know if I can look past what happened Him : I have to go I've already said goodbye to Lu Me : you're really going? Him : if I don't I'll get arrested I don't even know if you want me here Me : I do Him : give me a day i'll sort things out then maybe you can help me sort myself out Me : okay.. He comes close and hugs me.. Him : I'm sorry Wonke and I love you I always will please remember that Me : don't talk like that Him : I want you to know always. Me : take care of yourself your son needs you Him : I know.. I will. He gets in the closet and grabs his small black sport bag I can see his broken it's no science but I'm restless I don't know which path to take next. Do I make him stay even though his going to go to prison? He kisses my cheek and walks out.. My heart is chasing after him and begging him to stay begging to go with him but my entire body is just standing in one place while it shutters of what it doesn't know of tomorrow. It begins with spilling wine and an unbuttoned shirt then the end can be nothing compared to ruining an expensive designer shirt even that is worth it if I had known I would've just left that damn glass of wine where it was!