part 1 the reason I hold on

FELICIA " Please stop! No stop" I said trying to push him off of me. He ignored my plea and smashed his lips on mine which were tightly pressed together. I didn't expect my first kiss being like this I really didn't. He knew I had never kissed anyone. I trusted him enough to confess that to him. His reply was something I wasn't expecting. " I'll teach you " he said calmly. I didn't want to be taught. " I thought you wanted this" He said getting up from me and I was relieved. I wasn't ready to loose my innocence. I really wasn't. My heart had been beating out of my chest ever since I begged him to stop. Me: I wanna go home. I manage to say. The lights were switched off. I put on my clothes with his help of course. His phone had a flashlight contrary to my Nokia phone. After getting dressed he switched on the lights. I couldn't even look at him. I didn't want to. All that was going on in my mind was " He almost raped me " Farfetched I know. He didn't force me to come here. I'm still the one who allowed him to take off my clothes and I still let him put on a rubber but I just couldn't go through with this. I couldn't even understand how he was turned on when I didn't even kiss him back. Philematophobia : I've been suffering from it ever since I heard some of my classmates talk with their friends about what they get up to with their boyfriends Or girlfriends. I fear doing something wrong. I fear embarrassing myself. I'm 14 And haven't had my first kiss yet. It's embarrassing some of my classmates had their first kiss in Grade 1. I'm doing Grade 9. I don't even engage in conversation which can implicate my self-esteem even more badly. Imagine them talking about their first kiss experience then I blurt out " I have never kissed a boy before " They're probably gonna laugh at me and I'll have to deal with the mockery for the rest of the year. I can't wait to get out of this school. It's only March but I'm already feeling drained. I'm turning 15 on August the 9th women's day. Banda: What are you going to tell your mom? It's then that I remembered I had sneaked out. My mom is very strict. I've seen her hit my sister with an electric cable in my watch. I'm so scared of my mother. I have to report even when I go to the shop and even then I have a curfew. If I take even ten minutes she's going to spend the rest of the week scolding me for It. See Banda knew about my mom. He had been asking me out for a while and I've been reluctant. It's not playing hard to get it's being scared of being caught. Me: I don't know. I'll just say we were studying. He's also doing Grade 9 but he's two years older than me - 16 turning 17. Going out to meet him was already a risk. I left at 7pm. I didn't even want to think about what time it probably was. Banda: You know she won't believe you. He was right. See unlike me things were better for him. He was living with his grandmother in a backroom. No one kept his movements probably why he was so rebellious. He smoked drank alcohol like nobody's business. His mother died when he was 5. Me: Lend me a book then. Banda: Okay. He looked for some book and gave me a huge encyclopedia. Me: It's heavy. Banda: Oh you very welcome. I rolled my eyes. He walked me home and I was praying In my heart that he doesn't bring out what happened. We hugged which was awkward on my side then he walked away when I had entered my yard. My heart was beating out of my chest. She's unpredictable I don't know what she might say when I come in. Mom: Otswa kae? ( Where are you from) She asked immediately when I turned after closing the door. Me: I went to borrow a book. I'm writing EMS tomorrow and it can be much of a challenge. Mom: So it took you two hours to get it? Muvhango was playing so I knew it was already after 9pm. This means she noticed when I disappeared. Me: Kitso had to write her homework first. Mom: Weitse o nagana ke Sematla mare go siame. Otla o itshwarisitse bukanyana ha o nagana nka go Dumela. Nkaketse go siame. ( You think I'm a fool but it's fine. You come holding a little book thinking I'll believe you. Lie to me it's okay ) I went to the bedroom where I put the book down and took my plate of food from the table I was hungry. Banda didn't even offer me a plate of food. All he was interested in was getting on my pants. To think he lied about being a virgin and even publicized it then he does this how can I ever trust him again? I don't even know what I was thinking. I mean yes he wrote a few statuses about me on facebook but it's clear he didn't love me. What was I thinking anyway? I washed the dishes after eating then went to my bed. I covered myself with a blanket and took out my phone And got on Whatsapp. Banda: I wanted to show you how much I love you but then you disappointed me like that. The nerve. Me: What the hell? You almost took my virginity. Banda: I love you Felicia and had you allowed me I would have shown you how much I love you. Me: I can't believe you now Banda: I thought actions speak louder than words I would have shown you how much I love you. Me: I can't believe you now Banda: I thought actions speak louder than words hence what happened. I didn't reply I just blocked him and cried myself to sleep. I can't believe I almost lost my virginity. Just like that to a boy who doesn't even value me. I was mad. I was so mad at my mom that I thought doing this was better. I mean I was so tired of her calling me trash a whore that I thought why not do it? I was probably the only virgin in my class anyway. And well I let go of all my values just like that. Is it my fault? Is it my fault that my father left her and married her bestfriend? Is it my fault that she still slept with him and had my little brother? Why did I feel like she was punishing me for her own mistakes? It was not fair not fair At all! . BANDILE I read the message over and over again but I still couldn't believe it. The picture was there but again I couldn't believe It I looked at her status on Whatsapp and her profile picture. It was a picture of her with him. I can't believe I had been so foolish. I love that girl wholeheartedly and even when reading that message I still didn't feel any different. I dialed her numbers with tears falling down my eyes. " What do you want? " She asked coldly and it was like the knife in my heart was being twisted and pushed deeper and I even felt like I was suffocating. Me: Baby please don't do this. " Don't do what? I don't love you Bandile. You a kid. 15 years? Please no. You'll find someone. Now leave me alone my boyfriend And I are trying to make love. You disturbing Nxa! " I heard laughter before she hung up and I swear my heart stopped the minute she dropped that call. Whoever said boys don't get hurt lied. Love hurts. So much and had I known that it'd hurt that much I wouldn't have bothered. I love Candice with my wholeheart I worshipped the ground she walked on and not only was I loyal to her but I was committed. I spent every cent of my allowance with her spoiled her but even all that wasn't enough to keep her. Dad: It's his first heartbreak I had dad say To my sister whom he had called. I was still in the same position I had been. Kneeling down with tears falling down my eyes. When she came she suffocated me in a hug and brushed my back allowing me to let it all out. Khen: Is it Candy? I slowly nodded. Khen: I'm sorry baby. She said brushing my back. I really can't believe she did this to me. After everything after all I had done for her. We had been together for a year. And she's just gonna dump me like this? I had even memorized the contents of the text. " I wish I could lie and say I'm sympathetic about what I'm about to do but unfortunately I can't. I'm just gonna cut straight to the chase. It's over Bandi. You and I - we done. Truth is I was only staying for the dick game but I can't anymore. Below is a picture of me and my new boyfriend. Unfortunately he doesn't like sharing. He's 20 by the way. " I should have known that the age difference would somehow affect our relationship. She was 16 And I was only 15. What the hell was I thinking? Dad: What are you writing today? Asked my dad bringing me back to life. I still can't believe I'm not over it yet. I'm 17 now doing my matric but still holding on to it. Letting go was still hard. Me: I'm not writing today. Mom: Morning boy. Me: I'm 17 mom I'm not a boy. Dad: Tell her son. Wandile: Family. He's 9 years now. Turning 10. Dad: Is that how we greet now? Wandile: Good morning. Dad: That's more like it. I just laughed. This two can make my day yazi. I even forgot about what I had been thinking. Mom: You okay? Me: I'm okay mom. Mom: Your sister called. She wants you to visit over the holidays. Me: Really? Mom: Yes. Me: I'll call her back. I miss her. Mom: You not the only one. Dad: Okay can we go now? I laughed took my bag and so did Wandile and we left going to school. I just can't wait for varsity. I hate school.

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