08

DIDINTLE

'driftin'

I'm driftin' away hey into the darkness

ndizothath'u mthwalo ndimbeke mqolo mama

ubomi bunzima

so lift my head up high

open my eyes and I will fly ohh

I'm barely copin

I'm feelin closin looking up hoping the

heavens will open

mdali wezulu ndikhalela kuwe

open up open up

I'm feelin closer now

the light is shining brighter but I'm losing my flows

kudala ndisiwa ndivuka ndifuna noluthando

ndifuna noluthando mmm...

kudala ndifuna ubomi buvume

vungama ngonyama'

It was like whoever was on the radio knew exactly how I was feeling.

The song expressed my exact feelings that I even recorded it and kept replaying it.

I didn't know how my life got here. I was on my bed looking at the two packets of pads that were still sealed.

I felt like somehow the universe was against me. I had asked Nathi what it meant since she was doing Science and she told me that I could possibly be pregnant.

I swear my whole world came crushing down. When she asked if I had experienced any changes I told her of my swollen breasts which were suddenly growing and my lack of appetite for certain foods which I previously enjoyed.

It was two months since the party which meant we were in the beginning of November.

The thought of being pregnant scared me. I was only fifteen and didn't even remember the events which lead me to this.

Crying didn't help and somehow I craved for the belt. It would have helped numb the emotional pain. I wanted it so I could feel the sting on my skin instead of in my heart.

As I stared at the sealed packets of Lilets I just sobbed. I was all alone and somehow I knew that things were only going to get worse for me.

I hadn't talked to Sinazo since her father hit me nor did I talk to my mother. I just kept to myself and drowned in my own misery and sorrow.

I couldn't understand why I was still alive I didn't understand why it seemed like nothing was going right for me.

I was a size bigger even though I hardly ate and couldn't even ask to be bought another skirt.

I was dying inside and the thought of a life growing inside me was the final nail to my coffin.

I took the packets and put them on my bag.

I was going to get rid of them lest anyone else notices that they were unused.

I didn't care about my swollen eyes or pink nose. I just wanted to leave.

What was I going to do? I was only in Grade 10 and there was no way I would be able to take care of this baby. I didn't want to think of what my mother would do to me what Bhabha would do? What if he was going to kick me out? Where would I go?

All those thoughts lingered and wrestled in my mind bringing a gruesome headache. Nathi had assured me that she would be there for me and oh how I wished I could believe her.

Mom: "Where are you going? "

I looked at her wondering why she cared. If she did she wouldn't have picked side. She would not have let Bhabha hit me like that. I spent two weeks with bruises and wearing a jersey to school.

She never asked why I did what I did so again Sinazo won.

Me: "Why do you care? "

Mom: "This isn't your house. You cannot come in as you please "

I didn't listen but just went out.

I had spent most of my life respecting and listening to my mother yet it never mattered. It was like I didn't exist to her or them unless they wanted something from me and of me.

I stood next to the dumping site. I took out the pads and threw them there Hoping that someone who needs them will find them.

Maybe it was wrong to conclude that I was pregnant but what other explanation could there be?

Me: "I'll start thinking you're stalking me "

It was Zakes who was walking towards me. I didn't think I'd stay here for so long.

People must have thought that I was crazy but it didn't really matter. I was still at the dump right where I had threw the pads away.

Zakes: "I haven't seen you In months and just when I'm in town I see you. I was actually hoping that I would "

Me: "Why? "

He stood in front of me and I had to look up at him.

Zakes: "What's wrong? Why are you here? I hope you're not thinking of suicide "

If only he knew that I had thought of it but somehow I never let the thought linger for long.

I sighed and looked down. I didn't want to cry.

Me: "To be honest I don't want to be alive right now "

He put his finger on my chin and made me look at him.

Zakes: "Confiding in a stranger often leads to less judgement "

Me: "I went to a party and it... It changed my whole life and I'm not talking in a good way. I lost my virginity and don't remember how and I... I might be... "

I looked down again as tears welled in my eyes.

It was hard to even digest that possibility.

I exhaled him.

Me: "I'm screwed "

I laughed.

Me: "My life is over. "

Zakes: "I know you don't know me and have no reason to trust me but I'm here. I got you something "

He took out a mobile phone from his pocket and gave it to me.

I looked at this stranger wondering why he was so kind.

I shook my head.

Me: "I... I have to go "

I gave him back his phone.

Zakes: "Didi no. "

Me: "What? "

Zakes: "You can't keep running away from me. I'll call you on this phone so I can take you to the doctor. I'm not asking you "

He shoved it on my hand then pulled the other so we could walk away.

I didn't make anything of it. I wondered why he would go to such extremes for me. A doctor? Oh but the fate that awaited me scared me.

What if I was really pregnant? What would I do?

.

KGOSI

Leon: "Mia says you're avoiding her. What's up? "

Me: "I'm not avoiding her "

I wasn't.

After the whole thing with Addy no. "

Me: "What? "

Zakes: "You can't keep running away from me. I'll call you on this phone so I can take you to the doctor. I'm not asking you "

He shoved it on my hand then pulled the other so we could walk away.

I didn't make anything of it. I wondered why he would go to such extremes for me. A doctor? Oh but the fate that awaited me scared me.

What if I was really pregnant? What would I do?

.

KGOSI

Leon: "Mia says you're avoiding her. What's up? "

Me: "I'm not avoiding her "

I wasn't.

After the whole thing with Addy I stayed away from chicks and focused on studies and the training.

Leon: "But you haven't been yourself man. You don't even laugh anymore. "

Me: "I just have stuff going on "

He looked at me with a furrowed eyebrow.

Leon: "What stuff? "

Me: "Business "

Leon: "Oh that. I know. "

Me: "You do? "

Leon: "Yeah. I'm also joining the underworld pretty hectic but I didn't think it'd affect you this much "

Me: "Are you calling me weak? "

Leon: "You don't see Me changing. I'm still fucking Lwa and we're good. "

Me: "You're so chilled about this "

Leon:" I don't get why you aren't considering you're this hardcore nigger. You have the attitude and all"

Me: "Maybe I don't have the heart "

I said shrugging and he laughed.

Leon: "Dude you don't have a heart. Killing should come easy to you. "

I sighed.

Me: "It does. I don't know what's up with me. I'm just down man "

Leon: "Call Mia and tap that "

I chuckled.

Me: "I'm not tapping that. I have to wait until she's 21"

Leon: "And you agreed? "

I shrugged.

Me: "I couldn't drop her after that. I really care for her "

Leon: "You love her! Admit it! "

Me: "I don't. I don't think I'm capable of loving anyone other than myself "

There was a beep on my phone signalling a message.

I opened it.

It was from Cheryl.

'I can't do this anymore. It's over. Focus on Mia. I'm done '

I chuckled and showed him the message.

Leon: "Y'all were still together? "

Me: "She's crazy. No bitch leaves me. This is suppose to be the other way round "

Leon: "I agree. Man go set her straight. I gotta go "

We fist bumped.

I got into my car and drove to her place. Heck I hardly went there since she was always coming to me.

Cheryl and I hadn't spoken in about a month.

Like I previously mentioned I had my focus strictly on studies and training.

I knocked on her door and a nigger opened. He was very dark like charcoal dark.

Me: "Who are you? "

He was my height but bigger and very buff. One would swear he was a bodyguard.

Him: "Who are you? "

"Babe who is it? "

That was Cheryl in the background.

Me: "Move I wanna get in "

He chuckled but it wasn't in amazement. Did he really think his physique was going to scare me?

If only he knew how the past two months had been.

Him: "Boy -"

That's where he ruined it. My fist collided with his stomach and he groaned holding his abdomen.

He had taken a few steps back so I managed to get in.

I was mad very man.

Cheryl screamed.

Cheryl: "What did you do? "

Me: "So this bouncer is the reason you think you can leave me? "

Cheryl: "Let's stop lying to each other. You're in love with that Mia chick and -"

Me: "Shh that was a rhetorical question but forgive me for thinking you were smart enough to figure it out. You're not leaving me"

Cheryl: "Khosi I -"

I cut her off again.

Me: "That was a statement and it doesn't need a reply. "

The bouncer came to me and pushed me from the back.

Me: "Put this dog on a leash Cheryl "

She was shaking. I knew I was scaring her and I didn't care.

Cheryl: "Babe please go to my room "

Him: "You want me to leave you with this animal? "

I laughed. Animal? Really? That son of a bitch looked like a gorilla.

I had never seen someone so dark. I'm not light skinned but hey I wasn't that dark.

Cheryl: "Please "

The minute he was out of sight I choked her. She was not expecting that and she was squirming and shaking.

Me: "You're not going to leave me unless it's in a coffin you hear me? "

She nodded with teary eyes.

Me: "You're going to finish whatever you're doing with that monkey then go to my place. I want to find you naked on my bed. Are we clear? "

She repeatedly nodded.

I let go of her and she fell on the floor coughing.

I threw my house keys at her then I walked out. I drove to Mia so I could fix things between us.

I needed a good woman by my side and she was that. Dad said I needed a stable woman and Mia was that type. She was the woman you marry and have kids with.

Addy was the one who opened and frowned at me.

Me: "Where's my woman? "

I meant business and was in no mood for her shit.

Addy: "You don't have to act like we didn't fuck "

Me: "I didn't come so we didn't "

She opened the door wider and I saw Mia who had tears in her eyes.

I looked at this bitch who smirked at me. What kind of friendship did they have?

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