Me: "I'm here Mr Daniels "
I had no other choice anyway.
I was in my dad's office like he had commanded and I found him waiting for me.
Dad: "I think you know why you're here. You're 22 now and it's time to start with your training "
Me: "Can't I finish with my degree? "
Dad: "No. I'm not saying you should dropout. You can even open your own practice. It'll be a good cover up for blood money "
Me: "Tell me more about this training "
Dad: "First you have to be ruthless because that's what gains you respect. You can never allow anything to weaken you especially not a woman. Secondly you have to be smart and I'm not talking book smart I'm talking about knowledge that's going to make you succeed in the streets. "
I listened to my father tell me more about how I should be and what the training will entail.
I knew that I would never be the same again.
Dad: "First training will ensure that you get rid of your conscience "
Me: "Get rid of my conscience? "
Dad: "Tlogela bomatla. For you to lead o tshwanetse o bolaye letswalo monna "
Me: "How? "
Dad: "Murder. The more blood you have on your hands the more your conscience dies. However you can't be an easy murderer. That's where torturing comes in "
My father went on and on telling me about this and I realised he wasn't as sweet as I had thought.
Seeing him with my mom I would have never thought he was this kind of man.
What would be the definition of a walking corpse?
Would it be the person who wished to not be alive yet was and woke up because of obligation?
Was it the person who roamed the street oblivious to any other presence? Was it the one who couldn't eat couldn't talk and wished to be hit by a car or train just so to escape the misery of this life?
At 15 I had to conclude that I was a curse that I wasn't destined for any good of this life.
It had been two weeks since the party and I had become a shadow of who I had been.
Nathi: "I'm really sorry "
Me: "Don't be. I don't even know why you're still my friend "
I said looking down.
I was called all kinds of names; Bitch whore tart anything bad name you can think of.
I was considered cheap and a trash. I didn't know what everyone was talking of at school until Sinazo showed me pictures of myself naked and out of it.
Why did I drink? I couldn't even go to church because I considered myself dirty and impure.
What sucked was that I didn't remember anything. I woke up dressed on the floor of one of the guestrooms feeling like shit.
I didn't have any memory of what happened but the pain I had felt down south told me something.
I couldn't say anything to my mother I couldn't tell anyone so I kept quiet.
Nathi: "This is all my fault. If I hadn't left you all alone that night I -"
Me: "It doesn't matter Yibanathi. It wouldn't change anything. They're right. They're all right! "
Nathi: "No Didi. You're an amazing person and I know that there's an explanation for all of this. I would never judge you never "
Me: "I don't remember OK. I don't remember what happened Nathi. All I know is I would never willingly give myself to a man. I'm young and I'm not interested in boys. I don't deserve to be called all these names "
She hugged me and I cried in her arms until the bell rang.
I couldn't wait for recess so that I can take a break from all this 'fame'
Yes all of a sudden everyone knew my name and it wasn't because of good.
Getting home I told myself that I would never cry like that again.
I had been crying everyday since the party and I had to stop the pity party.
Sinazo: "Hey Kim Kardashian "
That had been how she addressed me ever since those pictures were licked.
I wondered who would hate me that much to tarnish me like that. Who had I wronged?
Sinazo: "Oh cheer up. You're popular. "
Me: "What do you want from me? Don't you get tired of torturing me? "
She laughed hysterically.
Sinazo: "Oh please. I'm not the one who told you to get nasty. It was all you "
Me: "All me? "
Sinazo: "How was it? Nice NEH. I know "
Me: "Two weeks later you ask NEH "
Sinazo: "You haven't been talking to anyone moss. Anyway I think it's time you got a phone. "
Me: "Why? So I can be harassed more? "
Sinazo: "Do you know how many guys are asking me for your number? They want a piece of you "
Me: "Piece of me? "
Sinazo: "Yep. Just take a leap of faith "
Me: "Leave me alone. Leave me the fuck alone! "
She laughed and I couldn't help myself.
I jumped on her and started pulling her hair.
She fell down and I got on her and just lost it hitting her.
Mom: "DIDINTLE!! What's wrong with you?! "
She took me off her like a feather and I just ran out.
I was tired.
I thought as my sister she would understand my pain but no she just wanted to cash in.
Why was I alive?
I ran as far as my feet could take me.
When I got weary I just threw my arse on the ground. I didn't cry but just looked at the street lights.
It was getting late and I wished I had money on me so I could go drink and forget. I knew that I had drank too much that night which was why I didn't remember anything so maybe if I did which was why I didn't remember anything so maybe if I did I would forget this nightmare.
"Isn't it too late for you to be out there? "
I heard a voice. I had been so lost in thought that I couldn't Even notice him until he spoke.
He was sitting next to me.
Me: "Aren't you too clean to sit on the floor? "
I said looking at his face.
He was a man probably in his mid twenties. He had a beard on his chin and was bald in a suit which told me he was probably from work.
Him: "You don't look dirty too "
He was staring at my thighs which caused me to cover myself with the jersey I was wearing.
He laughed stomping a foot on the ground while looking up.
When he was done he fixed his huge eyes on me.
Him: "Let me take you home. This is a dangerous hood "
It was my turn to laugh. If only he knew how much I wanted to escape my reality. In fact I wished that something bad would happen to me and maybe if it wouldn't kill me I would wake up with amnesia.
Him: "No really get up"
He looked serious this time and scary yet I wasn't scared.
He stood up and I noticed his tall frame. He was fit like someone who worked out yet he wasn't buff.
I noticed that he had parked his car just next to the road and not far from where we were seated.
No alarm bells rang as I got into his citi golf and he drove.
Him: "I'm Zakes "
Me: "Didi "
Zakes: "You'll have to tell me where you stay "
Me: "Please stop the car "
Zakes: "What? "
Me: "Just stop the car! "
I calmed down.
Me: "I want to get out "
Zakes: "At least give me your number "
Me: "I don't have a phone "
He stopped the car and the minute my feet stepped on the ground I ran home.
I was welcomed by a slap.
It was Bhabha and a second later it all came crashing into my brain why I ran out.
Bhabha: "You think you can hit my child? "
That statement confirmed that he would never regard me as his own.
Who was I kidding? Sinazo wasn't my sister she was nothing to me. That explained why my downfall and pain was her triumph.
I didn't cry as he hit me with his belt nor did I bother covering myself. I just stood there as he hit me until he was exhausted.
Yes I was in agony but that was nothing compared to what I was feeling inside.
My body was with Mia but my mind was somewhere else.
I was still undergoing training and I had to make sure it doesn't interfere with my studies. It was hard maintaining that balance while fitting a girlfriend into the equation.
It was worse with Cheryl who felt like I was not spending any time with her.
However I had managed to put her in her place.
Mia: "Babe are you listening to me? "
Me: "What? "
Mia: "You really aren't. "
Me: "What were you saying? "
Mia: "Never mind "
Me: "I won't beg you "
Mia: "You've changed. "
I looked at her. How dare she?
I was undergoing a transformation and didn't need her to stress me.
Me: "Maybe you never knew me"
Mia: "Don't you love me anymore? "
Love? I never said I loved her but she didn't need to know I didn't.
Me: "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't "
I kissed her before she could say anything. She replied with passion that I forgot that the kiss wouldn't go anywhere.
I made her sit on me not breaking the kiss but she did when my hands went inside her top then I remembered.
Me: "I forgot "
She giggled but I was pissed wondering why I even agreed to this.
Mia: "I'm sorry "
I texted her friend whom I knew was in her room.
We were in their flat and Addy and I had started chatting since the previous week.
Addy soon came out.
Addy: "I'm giving you love birds some space "
Mia: "Where are you going? "
Addy: "To the bar. I need a drink "
Mia just nodded. An hour later I kissed her goodbye.
I needed to forget about what awaited me.
Watching my father in action had been haunting me. It scared me to see him so vicious and he wanted me to be better than him.
He said he wanted to See Me wreck terror
Mia: "I'm spending the weekend with you this week "
Me: "You'll have to come on Saturday babe and I might leave you but I'll be back "
Mia: "As long as I get to spend some time with you "
I kissed her shortly then left.
I found Addy in my room. Mia didn't notice her taking my key from the table.
Addy: "I've been waiting for this"
I locked the door before replying. I looked at her like the piece of meat she was
I needed to release my frustrations somewhere and it was going to be in her.
I took off my T-shirt and she grinned. My tattoo was healing. It was an Eagle on my shoulder.
I went to her and kissed her furiously and lustfully.
She moaned in my mouth grinding on me.
I laughed as I threw her on the bed then took off her dress.
Me: "Nice boobs "
I said as she wasn't wearing a bra.
I removed her thong and she had shaved. Good.
Me: "This might hurt "
I said as I removed my pants then put on a rubber.
I put her legs on my shoulders and descended in her until I was buried deep. I exhaled then started with the thrusts first slow then I went as fast as she screamed.
I needed this.
I went into her in and out fast and faster. She was perfectly tight like she wasn't a hoe. The more images of my father surfaced in my mind the harder I went.
I just lost myself in her pussy as his words played in my mind.
By the time I got back to reality she was begging me to stop and I did.
Addy: "What's gotten into you? "
Me: "Why did you come if you're going to make me stop? "
Addy: "You're too rough "
I clicked my tongue and pulled out.
Me: "Just go "
I said then disappeared into the bathroom. She didn't help.
I had to do something else to get rid of my conscience.