Vagar: "I don't need to keep reminding you who's the boss"

Me: "I'm surprised you think I ever get to forget "

Vagar: "Good because it won't be nice having to torture you"

Me: "What could you possibly do? "

Vagar: "You're not untouchable Jacky. You should know that "

I kept quiet. Unfortunately I had no words.

Vagar: "Now that box has your clothes. I'll give you thirty minutes to get ready. "

He walked out.

Clothes? As if. I sighed.

I had an uneasy feeling that I couldn't quite explain.

I put on the furry bra and matching thong all black. I put on the furry belt and wore the heels.

I had to shower with the showering gel he provided and had to put on the perfume.

There was even a long trench coat and I had to wear thigh high black leather boot heels.

There was a stylist who came in and did my hair.

She also did my makeup.

After that Vagar came back.

Vagar: "Wonderful "

It was a Friday night.

He took my hand and we left. I didn't even know where we were going.

I was used to performing in the club. All I knew was that I was getting a fat cheque for whatever awaited me.

Me: "Where are we going? "

Vagar: "You my dear will be entertaining inmates "

Me: "The Fuck? "

Vagar: "Yep. You'll just show them what they're missing out on"

Me: "That's... Humiliating "

Vagar: "It's not something you're not used to. It's just a bunch of horny guys. They're just like those thirsty niggers at the club just caged "

Me: "Why me? "

Vagar: "You're the best I have. You know that "

I rolled my eyes as we got out.

We were using a rather discreet entrance.

Me: "Don't you have vodka or something? "

He gave me a small bottle and I gulped down the entire contents.

It burned my throat yet I felt it was too little.

Fuck. I chose this life.



I was laying on my back on my bed when my cell was opened.

I had been deep in thought which was probably why I hadn't slept.

I still didn't flinch until the guard slapped my cheek.

Me: "The Fuck? "

Guard: "You're one lucky bastard. Stand the Fuck up"

I got up then followed him.

I didn't know where we were going.

We arrived at sort of a visiting room.

Me: "And then? "

He forced me to sit down with the other guys.

There were five of us.

Suddenly music started playing. The other four were gang leaders.

I honestly don't know why I was picked. They were playing Nicki Minaj.

She was Lindi's favourite. Just hearing her voice reminded me so much of her and of her son.

Guy: "Been wanting to tap that booty but I'm stuck here"

Me: "What booty?"

Her heels made noise. They were fighting with the floor and her perfume filled the entire room.

I looked at her shoes first then went up.

Me: "It can't be"

I whispered only to myself.

That definitely looked like Ambriel.

The man who came with her spoke.

Man: "As requested gentlemen Jacky. Remember no touching. You can look but that's where it ends "

She rolled her eyes.

The music blasted more loudly then she slowly opened her trench coat then dropped it.

I laid back as I watched this girl doing her thing on The table.

Surely an angel wouldn't do that.

From what I had read on that book it's impossible.

Her butt was all out and damn I am a guy after all.

She knew her stuff which low-key made me wonder what she could do in the sheets.. Fuck it had been years after all.

Her eyes met with mine. She gave me what seemed like a death stare.

I wasn't any scared.

She then came to me and gave me a lap dance.

Me: "Are you trying to make me come? "

Jacky: "You look so much like your son"

I swear that made her push her from me.

Her heel met with my chest as she stood up.

The music stopped.

Man: "What the fuck Jacky? "

Jacky: "This son of a bitch pushed me. I was fucken defending myself! "

I couldn't stop coughing.

Guard: "Just go man"

The man dragged her away.

The guy that had been sitting next to me spoke.

Guy: "You ruined our show. We paid a lot of money for that! "

Me: "Fuck you! "

I was still coughing. When I stood up the guy punched me on my stomach.

I couldn't defend myself.

Suddenly everyone was having a piece of me. I had never been beaten since I got here.

They beat me until I couldn't move.

My vision got blurry then it was lights out for me.



Raphael: "Your phone mom"

He gave it to me.

I was busy making breakfast for us.

I took it and answered even though I couldn't recognise the number.

Me: "Hello? "

Caller: "Dr Mokoena we're calling from the porchefstroom correctional service"

Me: "Uhm hello "

Caller: "It's about Neo. He's been admitted at the public hospital and seeing that you're his frequent visitor we thought we should let you know "

Me: "Oh my gosh is he OK? "

Caller: "He's been badly beaten but fortunately there has been no reports of internal bleeding. Beatings happen in prison"

Me: "Thank you for Letting me know "

Caller: "You're welcome "

I sighed.. That wasn't how I expected my day to start.

The past month I had been going around in my "search" for Bogosi.

It was unsuccessful but I didn't stop praying.

It didn't help that Jacky wasn't of any assistance.

I had been sceptical about telling Ntombi and Bontle but with the news of NEO I made up my mind.

Raphael: "Mom? "

Me: "Huh? "

Raphael: "The pot is burning"

I had zoned out and forgot I was cooking.

Thank God it was just the eggs.

We ended up having oats for breakfast.

I told him to go bath after then I bathed myself and Vashti.

We went to my car and drove to the Molise residence.

Bontle was the one who opened for us.

Bontle: "I missed you all"

She gave us all hugs.

Bontle: "Are you OK?"

Me: "Yes but I need to talk to you and your mom about something "

As if on cue Ntombi came.

Ntombi: "About what? "

Bontle: "Kids go play "

We sat in the lounge with their focus on me.

Me: "About Bogosi"

Bontle: "Have you found him? "

Me: "I... Uhm... Not exactly "

Ntombi: "You're not making sense"

I sighed.

Me: "I had a visitor and she's the one who told me that he's alive and he's... He's a junkie"

Bontle: "Did she say where? "

I shook my head.

Me: "I've been searching for him ever since to no avail. "

Ntombi: "I want to meet her. I want her to tell me exactly what she knows "

Me: "That's -"

Ntombi: "Tsaone I wasn't asking you. Summon her here"

Bontle: "Mom"

Ntombi: "No Bontle. I haven't seen my son since she broke up with him. I've already lost kgosi And I know he'll never come back but at least his brother is still alive. My hope has returned "

Me: "I'll talk to her. We might have to pay her a visit"

Ntombi: "I'm giving you today "

She stood up and left us.

Bontle: "I'm sorry about mom"

Me: "It's OK. I get where she's coming from"

Bontle: "Thank you. I mean we had lost all hope"

Me: "Come to think of it Jacky was a God sent"

Bontle: "God works in mysterious ways. He did say that we've entertained angels without knowing it"

Me: "I just... I hope we find him"

She held my hand.

Bontle: "We will. We should just trust in God and lean on Him"

I wanted to make things right.

I didn't care that he was a junkie. I just wanted him.



I was sitting under a tree outside while doing the laundry.

Jamal was in the house.

He came running to me as I was rinsing the clothes.

Jamal: "He won't wake up mom"

He was crying.

Me: "Daddy? "

He nodded.

We had to have breakfast alone because Chris was sleeping and I assumed that he went to a night vigil or something which was why he was still sleeping.

Jamal: "Come mom. Come wake him"

Me: "Daddy is tired"

He just cried.

Me: "OK sorry baby. Let me just hang these then we'll go wake him"

He wiped his tears.

Jamal: "OK mom"

I hang the clothes I had been rinsing.

I took his hand after and we went into the house.

I went to our bedroom.

Me: "I'll wake him OK? "

He nodded.

I slapped Chris and usually he'd spring up but nothing happened.

I started shaking him but still nothing.

Now I was getting scared.

Me: "Chris wake up"

I shook him furiously this time.

Jamal was now crying and I refused to believe that something could have happened.

I touched his cheek. He was cold.

There was absolutely no life in him.

Me: "No. No. No! "

For the first time in years tears embraced my cheeks.

Me: "Chris baby... Please wake up"

My son and I were both crying as we tried to wake him up.

He had spoken of dying of death but this hurt so much too much.

I cried hoping that a miracle happens and he wakes up.

He had to.

For me and for Jamal.

What was life without him?

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