Raphael and I had gotten used to having Jacky around. At first I was scared of her but my heart reassured me that she meant no harm.
It was quiet around the house without her. I was used to finding her when I come back from work.
Anyway it was late in the evening and I was restless. I had read my bible prayed but I still couldn’t sleep.
I ended up going back to the lounge where I watched a series on TV. My life was quite boring. It revolved around my kids and my job and I never did anything for fun. I was no longer that Tsaone who could let loose and have fun.
That was my routine for the whole week until Saturday came which had Raphael so excited.
He couldn’t wait to go see his father. He was beaming and I was happy that he’s happy.
Somehow all I thought about was what Jacky said about me forgiving Bogosi. It was something I had mediated upon the whole week. I knew I had to take a step in finding him.’
Yes I still loved him and the fact that I hadn’t been with any other man intimately since him was proof. I needed to see her so she can help me find him.
We arrived at the prison and I had to wake Raphael up since he had dozed off in the car.
Raphael: “We’re here?”
His eyes were sparkling. I really wished that Neo wasn’t here because I could see that all Raphael wanted was to have a father.
I felt so bad that Vashti had never met hers and honestly it was all my fault. I was the one who divorced Bogosi even though he had done nothing wrong.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t understand what came with being a prophet. Maybe I didn’t understand what he went through everyday and maybe if I did I would have been more understanding.
I wasn't that spiritually matured and losing my sister hit me hard.
Neo looked good as usual. He smiled when he saw us. He hugged Raphael something that wasn’t allowed but we had contact.
Neo: “This is really a nice surprise”
Me: “He missed you so much. He looked very excited on our way”
Raphael: “Dad when are you coming out? I want us to be a family dad. I want you to come to my soccer matches. I want you to be there when I write a Father’s Day card so we don’t come all the way here”
I could see that this pierced through Neo’s heart. Raphael notices a lot for someone his age.
Neo: "It's going to take some time but I'll come"
Raphael nodded but I could see he was sad.
I didn't blame him.
Raphael: "We had a guest at home. She looked like an angel in my dreams "
He said in a whisper. I was confused now.
Me: "You know her? "
Now I felt like I was the only one who couldn't see beyond the physical eye.
Neo: "I... It's just... It's nothing "
I saw that he didn't want to talk about it so I had no choice but to let it go.
Raphael: "Maybe when you come she'll visit"
Neo: "Maybe "
As much as it was nice seeing these two catch up we had to leave. I could see that it hurt NEO but our time was up.
They said their goodbyes and we left. Raphael was talking all the way as we drove to Jacky’s place.
I didn’t know what to expect. Anyway we arrived at the address and walked inside the yard. It was in a coloured neighbourhood but not suburban from what I perceived.
We went to knock and a small boy opened who looked a bit like her. I assumed it was her son.
Him: “Hello I’m Jamal”
He said with a smile that revealed his dimples.
Raphael: “I am Raphael. Is Jacky here?”
And like she heard us she came wearing a short long sleeved wool dress. She smiled silently when she saw us.
Jacky: “Come in”
Her house was small but very neat. There was a man sitting on the couch watching soccer.
Jacky: “Anything to drink?”
The man looked so much like the son but he was black.
Raphael and Jamal went outside probably to play.
Jacky: “This my man Chris and that’s Thaone the woman I stayed with when I was away”
I chuckled at her pronunciation of my name.
Me: “It’s Tsaone”
She rolled her eyes.
Chris laughed and gave me a handshake.
Chris: “Welcome to our home Tsaone”
I nodded. I had a good time. Jacky even cooked and she was a good cook.
However I had to ask my question.
Me: “I need you to help me find my… Bogosi”
Jacky: “He’s not missing”
Me: “we haven’t seen him in six years. We reported him missing have searched for him but nothing”
She chuckled. Chris looked confused.
Jacky: “You’re a praying woman have searched for him but nothing”
She chuckled. Chris looked confused.
Jacky: “You’re a praying woman you don’t need my help”
Me: “I don’t understand”
Jacky: “He’s just a junky on the loose. No one recognises him but you will. He has shifted from God but his heart still cries for you. You will know it’s him”
Chris: “I don’t know what this is about but if you need guidance ask God”
I nodded. I had the closure I needed.
I could have never imagined Bogosi on drugs. Maybe this is what she meant when she said if he dies his blood will be on my hands.
There was no denying that I was to blame.
Me: "Thank you for having us"
Jacky: "I'll come with my son next time"
Me: "We'll be thrilled to have you "
Jacky: "I hope I won't be forced to buy my own booze. You disappoint me at time T. You're a recovered party animal "
Me: "I guess my... Bogosi's conduct rubbed off on me"
Jacky: "That's never gonna happen to me"
She said looking at Chris who laughed.
Me: "Hug? "
Jacky: "Fuck off"
They walked us out. Raphael just forced a hug.
They waved as we drove off.
I had hope now. I had hope that we could find Bogosi and regardless of how he probably was I was happy that he's still alive.
Chris: "I love you"
He said out of the blue and I looked at him.
Me: "What's wrong? "
We were cuddling in the couch while watching some lame movie.
He insisted on us spending as much time as we can together.
I had gotten used to all these changes in our relationship.
Chris: "I'm just being honest"
Me: "You're being weird"
Chris: "I think you're more weird than me"
I rolled my eyes.
Me: "You still haven't answered my question "
Chris: "I wish I had the time to make you believe in love and know that it exists "
Me: "I love my son"
Chris: "You can give love but you have to learn to receive it. To embrace it and cherish it"
Me: "That sounds biblical "
I stood up because I didn't want to hear any more from him.
Chris: "You can't keep running away Jacky. You should know that "
Me: "I'll run when I can however long that might be. I'm terminating this conversation. Don't make me consider bringing your death sooner"
I poured myself a shot of whisky and gulped it down letting it burn my throat.
I could feel his eyes on me but I wasn't going to pay him any attention.
Chris: "I'm sorry "
He finally said and came towards me.
He hugged me from behind his head rested on my shoulder.
Me: "Are you trying to make me horny? "
Chris: "Don't tell me you're pregnant again "
Me: "You wish"
He laughed again.
Chris: "It won't be a bad thing "
With my line of work it definitely would be.
Me: "Weren't you the one saying you're dying? I'm not about to raise two kids alone"
Chris: "When are you going to stop? "
I turned to I could face him.
The tone in his voice suggested that I won't like whatever he was going to say.
Me: "Stop what? "
Chris: "Being a stripper. I earn enough for the both of us"
Me: "Don't start "
Chris: "I want to provide for you"
Me: "Chris stop trying to change me. Ever since you started going to church you've been trying to make me become like you. We're different "
Chris: "I'm not comfortable with your line of work "
Me: "But you were when it fed you and your habit? When you left my son alone and went drinking with my money? Now suddenly you're not comfortable? Don't fucken piss me off! "
I left him there and went out.
He was suffocating me.
I hated that he thought he had any right to judge me.
I Didn't care where I was going. I just needed to breathe and the darkness outside allowed that
The cold breeze Of approaching winter was therapeutic and though there was noise as is every weekend it was a little therapeutic for me.
The beginning of June was not one that frazzled me. My mind was too preoccupied to think of it. Ever since Raphael came here I have been drowning in thought. I haven’t had the energy to pay attention to the outside world and I was also thinking of ways to get out of this place. Legally of course. I wouldn’t want to live my whole life watching over my back.
My son needed me and I had to get out for his sake.
“Someone is finally getting into his senses”
Me: “So you decide to show up now? I have been calling you for days now”
Ambriel: "On what? My mobile phone? "
Of course she was going to make a joke of it.
Me: "Something has been bothering me for almost a month now"
Ambriel: "What? "
Me: "Raphael said some woman visited his home and that she was also an angel. Did you visit my son? "
Ambriel: "He might have seen me in his dreams but that's it"
Me: "So who is she? "
Ambriel: "Who? "
Me: "The woman that my son was talking about. I mean I need to make sense of this. What it means that is"
Me: “Are you going to answer me?”
Ambriel: “She’s a little like you. She wants nothing to do with God but unlike you she acknowledges His existence. She goes on killing people in pursuit of suppressing the gift inside of her but it doesn’t help. "
Me: "So she's a murderer? "
Ambriel: "You're one to judge "
I should have known she was going to say that.
Me: "I have to get out of here"
Ambriel: "Time is running out"
Then she disappeared and I sighed.
Maybe accepting this God wasn't going to be much of a big deal.
Anything just anything to set me free.
I can't have my son being in the presence of murderers.
I did what I had to with Kgosi and Tshepo. Lindi died because of them.
However this woman was just on another level.
I was paying for my sins yet she was enjoying her freedom.