I found Jacky in the kitchen making breakfast when I woke up the following day.

She was wearing a denim dress this time.

Jacky: " You're awake good "

Me: " Uh morning "

Jacky: " For a woman who divorced her husband over a petty excuse you're pretty kind. "

Me: " How do you know so much about me? "

Jacky: " I might not believe in God but I know he exists. You might think you have peace now but it won't be eternal until you fix things with your husband. Your sister deserves to rest in peace "

Me: " Wh... What? Is she... Is she not resting in peace? "

Jacky: " She's standing right next to you. Hi Lindi "

I swear I almost peed on myself.

I looked around me hysterically. My heart was beating too fast.

Jacky: " She's a ghost not a demon"

She said Rolling her eyes.

Jacky: " At least you feel an inch of how I always feel. Crazy do you have alcohol? "

Me: " I... I need to know if she's saying something "

Jacky: " Uh nop. She's just looking at me. Oh no she's been trying to reach out to you "

Me: " It's... It's been six years "

I was filled with so much emotion I sat down before I faint.

Jacky: " I'm going to buy some booze. Just... Recollect yourself. I'm not a fan of all this... Crying business "

She left and I knew I had to recollect myself before Raphael wakes up.

I tasted what she cooked and well it tasted good.

I really hoped it doesn't kill me.



Jamal: " I want my mother"

Me: " Are you ready to meet grandma? "

Jamal: " I miss mom"

Me: " She's going to come back. "

Jamal: " Let's call her"

I was surprised because he's just four and knows something about calling.

I sighed as I took out my phone to call her. it went straight to voicemail.

Me: " She's… Uhm... In a meeting "

He nodded but I could see he's sad

I didn’t know why Jacky was doing this. Jamal was nothing without his mother. Their bond is unbreakable.

I made us cereal. He only took a few spoonful’s. She's the only one who manages to get him to finish his food.

Anyway I drove him to creche. I was working half a day.

It was during lunch when I went to pick him up. My mom and I had been communicating over the phone.

Me: " Are you OK? "

He nodded then looked outside the window. I sighed.

I really wished I knew where Jacky was.

I drove home which was just an hour away.

I had bought food for us and snacks.

I was just happy he's eating.

Anyway we arrived. I was a bit nervous and sceptical. I hadn't been here in years and I was really hoping for the best welcome.

Mom: " Chris! "

I had just parked the car when she came to me.

She hugged me tightly tears falling down her cheeks.

Mom: " I'm so happy you're here and alive"

Me: " I'm happy too mother "

My dad also came and he hugged me. I was really overwhelmed by this I almost cried.

Jamal was holding tightly to my thigh. More like hugging it tightly.

Me: "Mom dad. I'd like you to meet my son. His name is Jamal "

Mom: " You have a son? "

I nodded with a smile. I picked him up.

Dad: " He looks just like you but the hair "

Me: " His mom is coloured "

Mom: " Hello Bunickie"

He looked at me and I nodded. Mom took him and started kissing him all over the face.

It was a moment for me. I even took a picture.

Dad: " Your mom prepared a feast. Come inside "

I got in and it smelled Heavenly.

I couldn't wait to indulge.

Mom: " Please let us pray "

We bowed our hands.

Mom: " Heavenly Father thank you for bringing our son back alive. Thank you for keeping him safe and protecting him and his family. We pray he never leaves. Thank you for this feast and bless it O Lord. Amen "



I looked at this book once more. It's a book I got from Buhle. She says the Pastor told her to give it to me.

I didn't even know where to read or start.

I just opened it.

" Unto the upright there ariseth light in the darkness: He is gracious and full of compassion and righteous. "

Psalms 112:4

Me: " This is so confusing "

I kept reading it repeatedly hoping I understand but it just didn't make sense.

Me: " Ambriel where are you when I need you? "

Ambriel: " You can't be this dependent on me"

Me: " I just don't understand "

Ambriel: " The only way you can understand is if you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. You'll then receive the Holy Spirit who will explain everything to you "

Me: " So much work "

Ambriel: " Keep reading. You'll realise the goodness of God "

She then disappeared and I sighed.

I opened on another part again. I was just paging through until I stopped at another verse

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you saith the LORD thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end. "

Jeremiah 29:11

me: " Wow"

After reading this verse I thought of my son and how much it would mean to me to see him again.

I just wanted to hold him in my arms again.

To be there and never leave.

Could it be that this God was going to help me? Well I hoped so.



A week later and my heart was heavy. I hadn’t been this far away from my son ever since he was born.

I had to see him.

Tsaone came in while I was deep in thought. She had been nothing but kind to me even though I had forcefully accommodated her house.

Tsaone: “You’re leaving?”

Me: “You sound sad”

I was in the kitchen having some coffee while trying to nurse my hangover.

Tsaone: “Raphael likes having you around and this house is too huge it was nice having the company”

Me: “Well he can always visit. Porch is just a few hours away”

Tsaone: “Actually you should give us your address. Uhm you should give us your address. Uhm his father is in prison there and we’ll be visiting him”

Me: “Wait what?”

Tsaone: “He’s my sister’s child”

Me: “I know that but… never mind”

Tsaone: “What? Do you know something? Seen something perhaps?”

Me: “Your husband is the prophet not me”

Raphael came and greeted before she could reply. He also saw my bag which was on the kitchen counter.

Raphael: “You’re leaving?”

Me: “I miss my son”

Tsaone: “You have a son?”

Me: “Yes I have a son. He’s four years old”

Tsaone: “Oh… uhm are you still with his father?”

Me: “We are cohabiting. You know unforgiveness is one of the biggest sins”

Tsaone: “I… why are you telling me?”

Me: “You have to forgive your husband. I’m sure you don’t want his blood on your hands”

Tsaone: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Stop being selfish. He has already missed five years of his daughter’s life. I am far from being perfect One but I have never kept Chris away from his son. And trust me there are times when I wanted to kill him but I didn’t because I had to put him first”

I stood up and took my bag.

Me: “My address. I will be waiting for your visit”

Tsaone: “Do you… Do you know where he is?”

Me: “Raphie take care of mommy ok. Pray for her”

Raphael: “I will. We are going to miss you”

Me: “Uh yeah”

Tsaone: “Can I at least drop you off?”

Me: “Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine”

Anyway I caught a taxi which dropped me off at the taxi rank and another one to my destination.

I really missed my son.

It wasn’t too late when I arrived yet it being a Sunday I knew that Chris could still be in church and he had probably taken my son with.

Anyway when I arrived home I started with cooking because I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten anything the whole day.

Something else was on my mind. It was the issue with Raphael’s dad.

I had a barely clear dream about them and I believe that he was the man I saw in that jail cell.

The confusion would be why did I have that vision or dream or whatever that was.

“So you’re back?”

I knew that voice very well.

Me: “What the hell do you want in my house?”

Vagar: “You disappeared without a trace. Do you know how many clients I lost because of you?”

Me: “I am not the only employee in your pathetic club. Just get the fuck out of here I’ll see you tomorrow”

Vagar: “Fine I’ll leave but just know if you pull another stunt like this I won’t take it lightly”

Me: “Then clearly you don’t know what I am capable of. You better never set your stinky feet here or you will force me to do something I wouldn’t think twice before doing”

Vagar: “Fine I’m leaving”

I was so mad at him for thinking he can just show up where I live. I don’t even know how he knew where I stay but a man like Vagar can never be underestimated.

It was around 5pm when Chris arrived with Jamal. He run to me immediately and I picked him and kissed him all over the face.

I was so happy to see him. I had really missed him.

Chris: “So you’re back?”

Me: “Surely you didn’t think I was going to abandon my son like that”

Chris: “I am happy you’re back. The house wasn’t the same without you”

Me: “Uh yeah. How was church?”

I asked turning to my son and trying to avoid the awkwardness that had suddenly filled the atmosphere.

Jamal: “It was good mommy. The pastor was singing and praying”

Me: “You had fun?”

He nodded biting his lip.

Me: “I’m glad you did. Your food is in the oven”

I told Chris. Jamal slept around 7 like he usually does. I was watching a movie on the tv when Chris sat next to me.

Me: “What?”

Chris: “I really missed you”

Me: “I don’t want to commit fornication Pastor”

He chuckled brushing his head with his hand.

Chris: “You probably know the bible more than me”

I ignored that and sat on top of him.

It had been months since we did something.

He smelled so good maybe he had just bathed.

Chris: “If I had more time I would marry you but unfortunately we’re not destined to be”

Me: “not this dying nonsense again please”

He laughed then kissed me with his hands rubbing my back. The kiss was filled with so much passion I had forgotten he was so good when it came to kissing and using his dick.

Did I mention he was the only guy I’ve slept with? Well yah.

He started kissing my neck while his one hand unclipped the bra and the other worked on playing with my boobs. Foreplay. It is something I knew he liked and what I got used to before he started drinking of course.

Somehow this made me forget about what awaited me the following day.

The thought of going back to that place was one I wasn’t yet ready to process.

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Ntutu 2019-05-04 14:01:33

I don't want Chris to die but who am I to question the Lord's decision