"Khensani I love you " "I love you so much " "I love you Khen" "Ka go rata" "I've never loved anyone this much" "I see a future with you in it" " I love you so much it hurts " "I love you baby" I don't wanna go on. I cannot even count the number of times he's assured me of his love for me. I believed him. I was really that stupid. I actually thought he meant it he sounded so sincere. Was he really that much of a good actor? I couldn't fathom how someone could play with another's heart like this. I've been through this but it has never hurt this much. I actually felt like my heart was ripped straight off my chest with me completely conscious and experiencing each pain screaming in agony while begging for mercy. It hurt so much. It hurt more than when I lost my virginity. It hurt more than any bitter words I've ever been told. I actually felt like someone was stabbing my heart without ceasing and no amount of tears was able to make the pain stop. It hurt more than growing up without a mother. I don't even think the death of someone close hurts this much. I was mad at my heart for having fell this deeply for Kamogelo. Knowing that I broke up with him didn't even make it better it hurt. It hurt because it's him. He betrayed me he played me and deceived me with his sweet words that my stupid heart decided to believe. It hurt. The way he said my name always made me melt. The way he'd stare deeply in my eyes with his sparkling brown eyes his intimidating look the feel of his soft lips on mine his kisses that always sent shivers down my spine and the butterflies I'd get in my stomach everytime he holds my hand. It was all a lie. Why? Why would he do something so cruel to me? I trusted him. I trusted him with my heart and soul. You know it was better with my two exes. I know what they wanted. Sex. I just couldn't understand with Kamogelo. We hadn't even slept together he never even suggested it. He always said he won't have sex with me now. Always bragged about how he could have any bitch bend over for him. What never crossed my mind was my best friend fucking my man. My man... That sounds so wrong in all senses. Me: Thuli's man. I chuckled. I would have never thought I'd be saying that. I can't believe I was a mere side dish. " I thought it was just sex" Her words echoed in my mind. My own friend. I should have known. She was too good to be true. Stupid thing was I confided in her I trusted her and told her everything but she didn't value our friendship that much to be honest about me of the simplest of things. They've been together for two years! Two fucken years! I was still in my uniform. I had been locked up in my room ever since I came back. My head was pounding. I had a massive headache from all the crying but the tears still streamed down my cheeks. The pain was tremendous. You know at times like this I'd usually be so suicidal but the thought never even crossed my mind. I guess I had really grown from all that. Someone knocked on my door. I just ignored them. "Nono? " That was dad. I wasn't in the mood for him. I just needed to be left alone. I covered my ear with my pillow. The banging on the door got louder. Why couldn't they just leave me alone? " Baby please open up. I just wanna see if you okay" Okay? Okay? I'm far from being okay. I'm mad I'm hurt I'm angry I'm in pain I'm just a mess. I couldn't say that to him. I just needed to be alone and cry the pain away. Not that crying helped but it was the only thing I could do at that moment. I sobbed loudly. I couldn't hold it in anymore. It hurt. My heart was breaking each moment. Why couldn't the pain just go away? Why couldn't it get better? Instead I felt it getting worse each millisecond. Dad: Baby please you hurting me now. I could hear the sadness in his voice. My father meant a lot to me and right now he was the only person that mattered in my life. I went to open for him. He gave me a pitiful look. Dad: Baby? The tears just fell. He opened his arms for me and I got in and cried loudly. He didn't dare ask what's wrong he just kept brushing my back. He went with me to my bed and cuddled me until I fell asleep in his arms. I was woken up by Kitso with a bowl of soup. A part of me wished I hadn't waken up. A part of me wished death could have consumed me. Not living would have been the only thing that would have saved me from all this from all the pain but I couldn't leave my father. God knows I live for this man. Kitso: It's chicken Peri Peri soup. It will make you feel better. I faked a smile. I didn't want anything. I only wanted to sleep. At least when I'm unconscious I don't get to think about it in anyway. Me: I'm not hungry. She smiled. She was just too sweet but I wanted to be alone. I needed to deal with this on my own my way. That being by just crying until I fall asleep. Kitso: Take a few spoonfuls then I'll be out of your way. I nodded and sat on my butt. The tears were just falling mucus and bogus from my nose mixing up with the tears. It was just crazy. I ate the soup it was hot and delicious. It gave me a warm feeling in my heart. Love. I had read about it on the Bible my father had got for me. I had read a certain chapter regarding love. All I wondered was if this was the love Kamogelo had for me. It's then that I realized he didn't really love me. If he did he wouldn't have lied to me. He would have been honest with me from the word go. He wouldn't have sold me a myth. He wouldn't have fabricated a story just so I could still he's this perfect boyfriend. After Kitso left I don't know how but I ended up taking my Bible. I needed to read about love again. When I opened it my eyes landed on a certain verse. "Love doesn't rejoice in evil but rejoices with the truth. " I went in and read the following one the following verse. "It always protects always trusts always hopes always perseveres " 1 Corinthians 13:6-7 I wondered if this is the love Kamogelo and I share. I highly doubted that. If he loved me he would have been honest with me. I didn't go to school for the rest of the week. I spent all days locked in my room I didn't eat all I did was bath then go back into bed and cry myself to sleep. Dad couldn't get through to me Kitso tried but couldn't. I didn't open up for anyone I had my phone switched off. I felt like I was going crazy The pain got worse and it was slowly but surely consuming me consuming my heart and my being. It seemed Kamogelo was really going to be the death of me. I had even lost weight. I could see it nje. It was Saturday around 10. I had finished taking a bath and worn my pyjamas when Dad broke my door. He actually kicked it open. Me: The hell?! Dad: This has gone on for too long. Kitso was standing behind him trying to calm him down. Dad: Stay out of this Kitso! He roared. I had never seen my dad this angry this furious. I had never even seen him angry. I was scared on her behalf and I was shocked. My mind froze immediately. She didn't say anything but just left. He closed the door and sat down. I was trembling looking at him. He looked like a mess like he had been crying. The only time he was like this waa when I was admitted for depression. He hadn't slept for days. Dad: What's going on Nokubonga? Why do you hurt me like this? The tears started piling up. Me: They played me. The tears just fell down as the memory became vivid in my mind as I reminisced on the painful truth that hit my ear drums then and were still very much raw and fresh on my mind. Dad: Who? Someone knocked on the door. Dad: Wait here. I just sat down on my bed. He opened. Dad: Yes? Kitso: Kamogelo is here. Dad looked at me. I shook my head. Dad: Tell him to wait in the lounge for me. Me: I don't want him here baba! I shouted. Dad: It's okay baby. Kitso left closing the door. Dad took me made me sit on his lap. He kissed me on the cheek. Dad: Talk to me. Me: They're dating. Thuli and him. Dad: What? Me: They've been together for two years baba. Two fucken years! Dad: This son of a bitch! He put me on the bed and stood up. Dad: He lied to you to me! He clenched his jaw and fists. Me: Dad.. He looked beyond angry. I could see the steam from his ears. Dad: He even has the nerve to come here! He snorted before opening the door. I got up and followed him. I had never seen dad this angry. Dad: Where's that son of a- Kamogelo stood up when he saw him and he marched to him. Me: Run Kamo! I shouted but it was too late. Dad was already holding him by the collar. Kitso and I screamed covering our mouths with our hands. He started punching him repeatedly before throwing him down and kicking him on the stomach. Me: Uzo mu bulala baba! I shouted but he wasn't hearing it. Me: We have to do something. (Looking at Kitso) She was trembling and crying. We were both crying. Kamogelo did not even bother fighting back. Me: Dad stop! He didn't. Kitso: Andile stop! He still didn't barge. Blood had covered Kamogelo's face There was barely any life left. I couldn't just stand there and watch my own father kill the guy I still loved unfortunately and it's like he was hurting me when he inflicted all that agony on him. I know it was stupid of me to feel sympathy for him but I couldn't just ignore it. I went and pushed dad away. I don't even know where I got the strength because I was weak. I hadn't eaten for four days. Dad: Bonga! Me: You've done enough. Do you wanna go to jail for murder? Dad: I don't care if I go. This bastard hurt you he hurt me. Me: And you hurting me by doing this to him. I love him. Dad: You just confused. You hate him. He clicked his tongue and left. I touched Kamo's face. His eyes were blinded by blood. He passed out on my arms. Me: No no no! I cried loudly. This wasn't happening. This couldn't happen. I kept slapping him trying to wake him up but he didn't. My pyjama top was stained with his blood. Me: I love you please come back to me I cried loudly. Kitso: His not dead. I didn't pay any attention to her. I kept on crying while hugging his head. Why did I still love him after all he had done to me? But I remembered then. It echoed in my mind. "Love keeps no record of wrongdoing " I cried till I feel asleep falling on top of my injured boyfriend. If I were to die I'd rather die with him. I'd rather die next to him.