I could hear him sniffing and somehow I felt a little guilty for making him worry like that but I just couldn't deal with all he had told me it was too much for me to handle.
Dad: Don't ever scare me like that.
Me: I'm sorry. I won't daddy.
He help wipe my tears which had fallen immediately when he embraced then we went to sit down.
Dad: I shouldn't have overwhelmed you like that.
Me: You right.
He chuckled. I just smiled looking at him. I was actually waiting for him to say something because he owed me a lot.
He cleared his throat after and became serious.
Dad: I'm sorry you had to find out that way.
Me: How long?
Me: How long have I been in the dark?
He cleared his throat. I folded my arms and just looked at him. I needed dad to be honest with me now. I believe he has kept stuff from me for too long.
Dad: Look baby that doesn't matter.
Me: It matters to me.
Dad: A few weeks.
I clapped my hands once. I should have known I should have known that the sudden change in his behavior him suddenly going to church his frequent disappearances The signs were just there.
Dad: Look I'm sorry. You probably feel that I betrayed your mother but not everything is as it seems.
Me: What do you mean?
Dad: I loved your mother I did with all my heart but she left us.
Me: She didn't.
Dad: I'm going to be frank and honest with you. Your mother didn't think twice before leaving me leaving you. She could have stayed we would have hustled together but she took the easy way out.
Me: I don't understand dad.
Tears immediately fell. I couldn't comprehend what he meant. All of this was too confusing. My mother couldn't have left me. She gave birth to me she carried me for nine months. She wouldn't right? Would she? I mean dad told me she had to sort something out with her family. Her family which I didn't know.
Dad: I told her we could do it we can take care of you but she still left. I was single because I believed all women were crap they make you fall deep in love then leave you. She made me believe we had a future together but all that was in vain it was just empty words which we powerful enough to blind me.
Me: She left me?
I looked at him with my sparkling eyes. My own mother didn't want me. Am I that bad? She couldn't stay for my sake. Did she also think I'm ugly? Was I too disgusting for her? She didn't want me.
All those questions were busy playing in my mind. My tears fell. They more like rained on me. I felt my heart break into a million pieces. If I wasn't alive if she hadn't had me she'd still be with my dad. She left because of me. I made my own mother leave.
Dad: Baby I -
Me: She hated me that much?
Dad: She didn't hate you please stop crying
Me: If she didn't have me if I wasn't born she'd still be here right.
I said looking at him and he looked away. I made her leave I chased her away. I deprived my dad of his true love. I got up from the chair I had been sitting on.
Dad: Nono please listen to me.
Me: No dad I made her leave.
Dad: You did no such thing!
He scolded and I fell back on the chair. I blamed myself for everything. Why did I have to live? Why couldn't that car hit me? This world just wasn't for me. All the pain that I have experienced is just too much.
I didn't deserve to live. I should not have been alive. I regretted the day I was born. I regretted ever coming to this life. I wished I had been a stillborn. All this was too much for me.
Me: She left me.
He came and hugged me tightly while I cried I cried until I had hiccups and a headache. My head was so heavy I even fell asleep from all the crying.
The most weird thing happened whilst I was sleeping. I saw a light shining through the bedroom but I couldn't wake up. It seemed as if I was dreaming but it was again too real.
I saw someone dressed in white but I couldn't see their face. The whole room was filled with too much glory. I felt light positive overjoyed and peaceful. The person smiled I couldn't conclude whether it was a male or female. Was I having a divine visitation of some sort? The glory was too much to comprehend that I immediately fell on my knees.
I only knew the gender when he spoke with an angelic voice. This must be an Angel but he didn't have wings. Angel have wings right?
" Can a mother forget her sucking child that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea they may forget yet will I not forget thee. Isiah 49:15 beloved"
I woke up and I was sleeping on the floor. I don't know how that happened but the dream was still very fresh in my mind.
Me: It looked real.
Then I remembered something a certain verse.
Me: Isaiah 49: 15
I really needed to go to church sooner than I had anticipated. The weird thing is I woke up feeling a lot better. I was actually happy
if it makes sense and I was at peace. I felt lighter like all the burden that I had been carrying was lifted off my shoulders.
Dad wasn't around. I went to brush my teeth before going to the kitchen to make myself something to eat.
I made instant porridge with milk and ate.
Dad came while I was still cooking and he was surprised to see me standing there.
Dad: I'm sorry it's just.. You look different.
I gave him a look. He was being different. How can I look different?
I looked down on myself and I didn't see anything different. He laughed a little.
Dad: No I mean you glowing.
Me: Dad are you alright?
Dad: Yes why?
Me: You being very weird right now.
Dad: If you could see what I was seeing you'd understand why.
With that said he disappeared in to the bedroom.
I dished up for the both of us when I was done. We were now sitting in our little dinner table.
Me: Where did you disappear to?
Dad: I went to church.
He grinned. I still had a certain fear of church yes I wanted to go because somehow I felt it was going to explain all these things that I had been seeing but I just wasn't ready yet.
Me: How was it?
He choked on his food and I laughed at him. His eyes had popped out I had never been interested in any conversation that had to do with God or church until now.
Dad: You really wanna know?
Me: I wouldn't have asked if I didn't
Dad: It's just that... You never wanna know and you've never asked me. In fact you always dismiss any religious topic.
Me: Are you gonna tell me or what?
Dad: It was very blessing. God was present in such a way that I had never experienced and -
Me: Okay I think I've heard enough.
He chuckled and I took my plate and went to put it on top of the table. I poured myself a glass of water then went to watch TV.
Dad: Do you still want a phone?
Me: I don't know really.
Dad: It would make communication easier. I mean you'd be able to call me if I'm not home and I'd know your whereabouts whenever you disappear without telling. Also those people who've been asking for your numbers would be able to reach you. Abo Kamogelo.
He said the last part almost as whisper and I laughed.
Me: It's like you pitching an idea for an advertising agency you Tryn'a sell me something?
He cracked up in laughter and I joined him.
Me: Well I agree with you.
Dad: We can go buy it tomorrow after school.
Me: Does that mean you picking me up?
I screamed and he just laughed shaking his head.
The following day I woke up and took a bath with the water dad had prepared for me. I dried lotioned and wore my uniform. I tied my hair into a bun it was still curly and annoying me nje. I took my bag and went to the kitchen. At least this was the last week of school then two weeks recess.
Dad: What really happened after I left?
Me: I was sleeping.
I didn't want to tell him about the dream what if he thinks I'm crazy? I mean he could think I'm just seeing things nje. It was still fresh on my mind but I somehow wanted to keep it all to myself.
He nodded but I could see he wasn't convinced.
After breakfast he drove me to school.
Dad: Don't forget about today.
Me: I'm finally getting a phone!
I jumped a bit in excitement. He gave me my lunch money. I kissed him on the cheek.
Dad: Be good for daddy.
Me: As always.
I winked at him then got out meeting Thuli at the gate and we shared a hug.
Thuli: You look.. Different.. In a good way though.
Me: Not you too.
I sighed and rolled my eyes.
Thuli: What do you mean?
Me: Dad said the same thing.
We walked to our class.
Thuli: I don't even wanna ask how you doing. You glowing too much today.
Me: Is that a compliment?
She rolled her eyes and I giggled. We put our bags down then went to assembly.
We were dismissed back to our class after assembly.
I was surprised to see Thuli still sitting next to me just after the bell rang for break.
Me: Ain't you going to Xoli?
Thuli: I wanna spend time with you it's been such a long time.
Me: Well I won't say no to that
We then went out of class. Thuto passed us and waved at me I returned it.
Thuli: And then?
Me: He's Kamo's friend.
Thuli: I know but I didn't know you guys know each other.
Me: Well we do.
I smiled and she screamed. I covered her mouth with my hand while looking around.
Thuli: Does this mean... You know?
Me: We not dating.
She frowned. I just giggled. We both our food and went to sit at our bench.
Thuli: Don't look.
I was confused and curious when I turned he was already behind us.
Kamo: Can we talk?
I looked at Thuli.
Thuli: I'll go to Xoli he's probably looking for me now.
She smiled and left. He sat where she had been sitting.
Kamo: You look good.
Me: I do?
Kamo: Is it just me or you look different? Like you more beautiful and you glowing?
Me: Different I've been told. I think you all are just being paranoid.
Kamo: Can't be.
Me: Let's agree to disagree.
He took the apple I had been eating.
Kamo: I missed you.
Me: You saw me yesterday.
Kamo: I know and it's good to see you looking better.
Me: I feel better too.
Kamo: Hopefully this change might be good for me too.
Kamo: I love your hair.
Me: I hate it.
Kamo: I wanna kiss you.
Me: You do?
He got closer to me then cupped my face with his hands.
Kamo: Allow me.
I closed my eyes and his lips got closer to mine. I opened them a little bit and he kissed me softly slowly and passionately. I heard sounds of a camera and broke it. It was Thuto and he laughed.
I covered my face with my hands.
Kamo: You better pray it's beautiful or else?
Thuto: What do you take me for man?
He showed him the picture. I was just looking down and fiddling with my fingers.
Kamo: Wanna see?
I nodded. I looked at the picture and it was beautiful. I couldn't believe it was me. Was I that beautiful? Maybe it's just the resolution of the camera.
He left with his camera and Kamo took my hand into his.
I yanked it off and clicked my tongue.
Kamo: What's wrong?
Me: You set me up.
I folded my arms and frowned.
Kamo: You mad because I took a picture of us kissing and not because we kissed?
Me: Well I.. No
He kissed me on the cheek.
Kamo: When are you getting a phone?
I grinned at him and he chuckled before being serious again like he always is.
Kamo: Finally. I hope I'll be the first to get your number.
Me: I doubt you'll even get it.
Kamo: I'm your boyfriend I should.
Me: You not my boyfriend..
Kamo: Why not?
Me: I don't want you.
Kamo: Then why did you kiss me?
Me: I.. I'm
He got up and left. Just like that. Why did I have to ruin things like this? Kamo was trying he really was but I just don't know. I wasn't ready to go back there. Why was I punishing him for something he didn't know?
It was hard it was going to be hard opening up to him but I'll just have to. I can't lose him I really can't. I sighed and got up walking back to class.
The bell had just rang.