" Confession of a girl who was just in love It all started as him saving Me from the world. He was kind of my knight in shining armor there when I had no one. I was merely a teenager at the age of 14 And he showed me love. I was new in school with no friends and absolutely with no one having any interest in me but he did. By then I knew nothing about love or even being in a relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is he taught me all I know. It's safe to say he was my first in all that you can imagine. It wasn't love at first sight. We started out as friends And as time went on we got more closer and eventually fell in love. I guess the feeling wasn't mutual. I kept thinking he'd come back to me but I guess he was just a typical fuck boy banged my ass then looked for someone probably better. I can't even count the many time I went to bed crying because of him. I blame my evil heart for ever loving him this much. Evil because well our love was just toxic. I don't know what I was thinking but when I fell pregnant I thought he'd finally be mine alone. You might think "She trapped him" but Nah Nah I loved him. I gave my all to him and stupid me even let him hit it raw. When I lost the baby I lost a big part of me. I couldn't lose him too I wouldn't allow myself to then I let the devil whisper into my ear. So much for being a Christian I know but I was desperate. If you've been in love as I have been you'd understand. He was the only man I knew and the only one who made me believe in myself who showed me love. I had the privilege of owning a phone that had the measure of internet so I went to google. You know what they say " Desperate times call for desperate measures " What made sense then was a blood covenant but I didn't know which extent it went to. Had I known how it was not only physically but soul and spiritual binding I wouldn't have gone through with it. I managed to convince the love of my life about it and he agreed. I didn't even know that unfortunately I had a scarred womb. The condition was if we part we won't be able to even have children with other partners. I didn't think he'd leave I thought he was mine To have for eternity but I was wrong. When I was 15 doing grade 9 he cheated so much that we decided to have an open relationship because the heartache was just too much for me to deal with. He agreed. Little did I know that a year later things would change forever. He didn't see me the same anymore. He didn't love me like before and my mind just went crazy trying to find out what could have caused this. She was just a scared innocent being. I became her friend because I could see how no one seemed interested in her. She also like I used to be lacked confidence in herself. I couldn't understand why he'd prefer her instead of me but then it clicked he wanted to save her like he did with me. All she saw in herself was an ugly girl. She let me in on her story how she grew up running away because no one wanted her. The struggle that she faced with her father and how everyone criticized and ridiculed her. She opened her heart for me but I took that for advantage. She was a good friend to me loved me cared and was always there for me. But because of my selfishness and evil desires I took advantage of that. I lied to her And I was in too deep to go back from that. Nokubonga Khensani Dlamini you didn't deserve that and I'm sorry. You a good person beautiful inside and out with a good heart. I'm sorry deeply from the bottom of my heart. You were good to me and even my mother knew that. I can't count the number of times she's asked about you and now I realize I lost a good friend. Kamogelo I'm really sorry. What you had with Khensani was very powerful and I regret ever ruining that. I guess you weren't mine to have. When you broke up with me I felt my whole world closing down on me. The truth is you were my world. I love you more than life itself. I contemplated suicide so many times but I just couldn't. I'm sorry for standing in your way of true love and I know you love Khensani the love you two share is just out of this world. Truth is I was wrong. I was just in love of the idea of having a cute handsome boy look my way. He gave me attention and growing up without that I found it in the wrong place. Khen I'm begging you from the bottom of my heart. Please forgive Kamo he's miserable without you. I believe you the only one who can help break this covenant and I pray I move on from this. " Thando: Why you crying? I heard him but I just couldn't reply. All along I thought Thuli was the bad person in this but like me she had also suffered. All because of love the same love that made me give up my virginity at the age of fourteen. We had been fed with the wrong idea of love. As I tried wiping the tears they kept on falling. Thuli didn't deserve this and a part of me was mad why couldn't Kamo just be honest? Things would have been different now. Now it all made sense the dream I had been having. I can't blame Thuli for what the devil did with her. I still had my phone on my hands I felt betrayed. Things could have been different now. But again I had Luthando and I believed things worked out for the best. Thando: Baby? I gave him my phone because I just wouldn't be able to explain. Now everyone knew and I never wanted so much attention on me. Why couldn't she just inbox me instead of putting it all out for the world to see? Why did my life have to get this complicated? I mean things were going so well until this happened. He didn't say anything but instead pulled me and I cried in his arms. I trusted her and now now she told everyone about me About what Kamo did. I know it happened two years ago but somehow It all came back. I cried till I eventually fell asleep. Waking up the sun was blazing up high. My head was heavy probably from all the crying and bringing it from the pillow I had a major headache. " Hey" He said getting in the room with a tray. I could feel that my eyes were heavy too and probably swollen. Thando: You good? He kissed me on the forehead and I just shrugged. I didn't know how to feel about this the whole world knowing about my life wasn't something I wanted. I couldn't even read the comments cause everything was just overwhelming for me. Thando: I brought you some breakfast. Please eat a few spoonfuls so you can drink some morning after pills and painkillers. Me: Wait.. What? Thando: We didn't use protection and I know you not ready for a baby. Me: We didn't? I hadn't even thought about that. I had never had sex without protection and I still didn't know how I let this happen. Anyway I had a lot on my mind now. Thando: Yeah anyway just eat. Me: I'm not hungry. Thando: You never say no to food. Me: Luthando please. Thando: Just a few spoonfuls so you can drink the pills. I nodded and started eating. I didn't have an appetite so I just forced the food through. I even finished the plate and drank the pills. I went to take a bath after then because I needed to go home. I missed my father I missed Kitso and of course little Bandile. I dried then lotioned when I was done. Thando: I got you some clothes. Me: Thanks. I wore the bra and panties then the simple denim dress then wore my shoes. I was feeling a little better down there. The drive home was silent. I couldn't even post a simple picture on facebook because I knew people were probably looking at me differently now. Thando: You gonna be okay? Me: I think so. He kissed my lips and my forehead then opened the door from inside and I got out. I went to the kitchen where I poured myself a glass of ice cold water. " You okay? " I got startled and even dropped the glass I was holding And it shattered into pieces. Me: I-I'm sorry about that.. I bent down to try and pick up the pieces but they cut me instead And I had to attend to my blood wound. Kitso: Please leave that I'll clean it up. I got up then ran the tap on my finger. It was just a slit but the blood just kept on flowing. Dad: What happened here? Me: I.. I-It's my fault. Dad: What's wrong Nono? Me: It's just.. My hand got cut by a glass piece. Kitso was darling enough to come up with a first aid kid and put a plaster on my wound after cleaning up. I was now in the lounge with my family and I knew I had to say something. I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with this alone I needed some help from someone and right now I had them. I was scared. I didn't wanna go back I had come so far and being reminded of everything brought an uneasy feeling. Me: All I can say is my past has been aired in public for all to see. Kitso: I'm sorry. Me: It's fine it's just.. I didn't think it will all come out so soon. Dad: You know you don't have to let this bring you down. It's your past yes but look at the bright side. You a beautiful young woman who didn't let her past influence her in a bad way. People are always gonna talk so it shouldn't matter to you. At the end of the day life goes on. Me: Actually you right. I need to do something now. Them: What? Me: I need closure. They looked at each other then at me confused. I didn't say anything but just got up I left my phone in the charger as I walked to Kamogelo's crib. He owed me some answers and now was the time. I knocked a couple of times in his room. He opened looking like a mess. His eyes were bloodshot red and it looked like he had been drinking. The smell also wasn't pleasant. Getting in I opened his curtains so some air could get in. Me: You look like a mess. Kamo: I guess you saw that too. A part of me was like " Duuh! I was tagged in it" but no I wasn't about to kick a horse while it's down. Me: I did. I'll prepare you a bath you stink. One might think I'm a fool doing this for him after all he did but I didn't want to hold a grudge. Somehow he was also feeling like I was. I went to his bathroom and prepared his bath. I called him when I was done. He didn't decline I left him to it and started cleaning around his room. He came when I was almost done then I went out so he could get dressed. Kamo: You can come back. He was wearing some sweatpants and a vest with his Adidas sandals. I went back in and it actually smelt better. Kamo: I can't believe you here after everything. Me: Hard to believe for me too. Kamo: I'm really sorry about what I did that time. It was not my place to tell you about him or his past for that matter. Me: That's not the reason I'm here. Kamo: Oh yeah. I needed to take that out though. Me: It's okay I forgive you. Kamo: I really never deserved you. I huffed. I Needed to get to the real reason why I was here. I took a deep breath then looked at him. Me: Why? At first he didn't know what I was talking about. I could see confusion in his eyes but I needed to know. Me: Why didn't you tell me? I asked almost as a whisper. I had been honest to him about my life I needed to know why he found it impossible to do the same. He didn't say anything for a while before he cleared his throat and finally spoke. Kamo: I felt ashamed. I was stupid trust me I thought of telling you but just couldn't bring myself to it. How was I going to say it? Ohh.. Khen I made a blood covenant with Thuli and that's why I can't leave her? I love you I really do. Always have and always will. My biggest fear was always losing you and I really thought I was protecting you protecting us. Me: We could have found a way around this. We could have dealt with this together as a couple. I would have understood. Come on you know me better than this. He took a deep breath. Kamo: I know and I never wanted you to find out this way. I feel so bad. About this about everything. I tried working out ways to break this covenant so I can come back for you but I just couldn't. Me: I.. I had a dream about this I just didn't think it was you. Kamo: A dream? Me: Yes. I told my pastor and well it's all In God's hands now. Kamo: Ever since you left me I've never had peace. I regret ever lying to you ever breaking your heart. Truth is you are my first love. Me: I'm sorry. I'll try as much as I can to help you through this. Kamo: Thank You. You really have a good heart. Me: You don't have to thank me. Kamo: It's amazing how you can still get me to do as you wish after two years. I laughed. Me: You were stinking. Plus you look much better now. Kamo: Thanks for cleaning around here I didn't have the strength. Me: You welcome. Kamo: He's a good man. Me: Who? Kamo: Luthando. You even glowing shows he's good for you. Me: Thank You. Kamo: I promise I won't stand in your way of happiness from now on. As much as it hurts to see you happy with someone else as long as you happy then I'm good. Me: Thank You. I hope you find someone too who'd love you more than I ever did. He chuckled. Kamo: I doubt I ever will. You'll always have my heart. I smiled. Me: Either way. I wanna see you happy too. Kamo: Friends? Me: Friends? We shared a handshake. Me: As your friend I think you should take it easy on the bottle. He laughed. Kamo: I won't argue with that I feel like hell. Me: Suits you. Kamo: Hey! He said pushing me lightly. I chuckled. Me: It's the truth though. Kamo: Fair enough I'll stop. Me: Good choice. Kamo: So you gonna also cook for me? Me: I'm not your wife. He chuckled. Kamo: It was worth a try.