I guess as days go by it gets better. I think it's us holding the ideals that people have about us so close to our hearts that make us forget who we really are but unfortunately I was that person. I had accepted all that was thought of me and frankly I had made peace with it. I'm an ugly girl and no one will ever find themselves interested in me unless they after my pussy. I've had two different guys do that to me and became brave enough to spit it to my face so it wouldn't have really been anything new. I had taken the decision to never again allow myself to be fooled by a guy to never fall in love. The love I knew was the one I had from my father and that was enough for me I didn't any more. It was a week before the Valentine's Day bash that was going to be held at school and I really wasn't looking forward to it. See its at times like these that I wish I was still being homeschooled. Thuli was still on about me going to church and I was still declining. I'm actually surprised that we still friends now she has been a good friend to me and even daddy thinks she's a good influence. Tiisetso still avoids me at school but here at home she visits me sometimes. I just give her what she gives me so I guess we just friends at home and I don't have a problem with that. Dad: Wake up angel. I couldn't believe that it was morning already I had just slept a minute ago. OK not really but that's how it felt. I had been up studying and practicing for some maths test we writing and I needed to ace it. Me: Just five more minutes. Dad: No. He removed the blanket I had been covering myself with and I had no choice but to wake up. I had joined the soccer team at school and the choir while Thuli went for netball and it was good. Of course there were bad moments but I tried so much to focus on the good. I groaned and got up from the bed and he gave me space so I could bath. It's Wednesday today so I had soccer practice. I wore my skirt golf shirt and school shoes. I made sure to put my training clothes and soccer boots inside my back to avoid forgetting them then I tied my hair into a bun. I put Vaseline on my lips then went to pour out my bathing water then took my bag and joined my father at the kitchen. Dad: I won't be able to pick you after school. Me: Why not? Dad: I have a busy day today you'll have to take a taxi. Me: Kodwa baba ngiya Saba (I'm scared) Dad: it's only for today my baby. I just nodded and ate my breakfast. He drove me to school and gave me the taxi fare together with my lunch money. Thuli was waiting for me at the gate we shared a brief hug. Thuli: How are you? Me: I'm okay I guess you? Thuli: I'm good by God's grace. Me: You should be a mamfundisi the way you forever preach about God. Thuli: What are you so mad at God though? Me: It's too early for a lecture Thuli. She kept quiet and we walked to our class. I was with her again during break. Thuli: What are you going to wear? Me: You mean next week? She nodded. Me: I doubt I'll be attending the bash. Thuli: You can't do that to me Bonga. Me: You know I don't like attention and it's bad enough when people see me In my uniform now I'll have to wear casual clothes. I just can't. I can't survive another panic attack or worse to slip into depression again. I had told her all about everything and surprisingly she didn't judge me. All she said was I had to go to church and fix my relationship with God. What relationship? I've been through a lot and god was never there so things are just better when we don't give each other attention like this. She sighed before talking. Thuli: You worry too much. Me: You would if you were in my shoes. Thuli: Kodwa Bonga- Me: No Thuli. I hope you find your valentine. Thuli: You might be surprised when you get a flower na Ma chocolate. I chuckled. Me: That's never happening. Thuli: Never say never. We went back to class after break and lessons went on. Sports time came and we went to the toilets to change into our practicing clothes. Thuli: When is your dad picking you up? Me: He told me to take a taxi. Thuli: I'll go with you. Me: Are you sure? Thuli: Duuh! She rolled her eyes and we hugged. She knew how scared I was of such public spaces and especially when I had to face all the people alone. I went to my soccer team and practice began. I'm very good in soccer shame and again it keeps me fit. I even had a flat stomach not that my stomach wasn't flat I just had a little mkhaba but now I was in shape. It seemed today we had an audience. The boys from the soccer team were watching us. Pervs they were probably here for some pussy and I really wasn't interested. I knew no one will go for me unless they looking at my ass but I wasn't going to allow anyone to fool with me. Instead of being the striker as usual I became the goalie at least that was going to give me less attention. I didn't realize I was that good of a goalie and the way the guys were cheering for me it seemed like I had made quite an impression. After practice Thuli came to me before I went to change. Thuli: I see you made quite an impression. Me: Please don't mention it. Thuli: I heard the guys talking when I came here. Me: I really don't wanna hear it. Thuli: But Bonga- Me: No Thuli. I've come too far to care about what they think of me. I'd rather they talk behind my back than them saying it to my face and bruising my already bruised confidence. We went to the toilets where I changed back into my uniform and she took a taxi with me to my home. She came with me inside the yard and we went in so I could put my bag down. I found Dad busy with the tailoring machine. Me: Good afternoon daddy. Thuli: Sawubona baba. Dad: Hello girls. After putting my back down I poured some juice for Thuli and I accompanied her to catch a taxi after. I was holding her bag while we had a light conversation. Thuli: I do hope that one day you agree to come with me to church. Me: Ask God to personally touch my heart then maybe I might consider it. Thuli: I'll keep on praying for you. I hugged her and gave her her bag as she got inside the taxi. I ran back home and took off my uniform. I was tired from practice so I went to bed immediately. When I got up I did all my homeworks. We didn't even write the test that I had practiced so hard for and I was really disappointed at that. I had really put my all and I was pretty sure that I was going to nail it. I made supper when I woke up dished up for us and we ate while watching TV. We went to sleep after. For the first time in a while I had a dream. I never dream whenever I sleep hence I was surprised. I don't actually remember much but I felt a sense of unimaginable peace in that dream my heart was filled with so much joy that I didn't understand. I was walking but it seemed like I was floating on air there was no negative thought in my mind and the place had so much love. I cannot remember much but I remember how it felt. The only question I had was what did it mean?