Prologue charity: pain is my Remedy

"It's like you're screaming and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good" -Rihanna

Pain. Which sane person finds pleasure in pain? What kind of human being gets healed by being hurt? Does it make sense to anyone that my antidote is pain? Without it I feel sick. I don't feel alive. Is it wrong for me to say I can't live without pain? That I need it in my life?
I've been through a lot during this 18 years. I'm not gonna go back and reflect on all that. All I can say is I started living when I turned 18.
Does that mean I was dead before that ? Had I not lived before? Certainly not I guess it's when I accepted that this was my life and that I had to embrace it.
I had to embrace the fact that Pain is a part of me always had been and always will.
I look back at my life and I realize how propelled I've always been to pain.
I was fresh from high school and that was my worst nightmare. I hate high school and I hated every moment of being there.
Was I bullied? Hell no I don't take bullshit.
I hate highschool because I was in a shell. I wasn't me I was entangled enchained and unable to break in from this cage.
The cage my mother put me in from a young age.
I don't blame her but again
enchained and unable to break in from this cage.
The cage my mother put me in from a young age.
I don't blame her but again I do.
She tried perfecting her life through me.
I was forced to be perfect to do everything right.
I was brainwashed I was like a robot controlled to her satisfaction.
I couldn't decline I couldn't oppose her. I was her submissive I satisfied her I gave her pleasure and she she was my dominant.
I had been so blind to such a point that I thought all of this was normal. 
I now look back and realize how stupid I had been. 
You'd think all the things over been through shaped me or made me better but they didn't instead of making me stronger they make me even more weaker. 
I'm broken to such an extent that I don't see myself ever finding all those missing pieces from my life. 
My name is Charity Nomusa Msomi and this is my story..
Walk with me as I share with you how life started for me at 18. This is my story


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