I wish I woke up in hospital. Then I'd say I woke up to beep sounds and struggled to open my eyes. That I finally did and asked for a glass of water. That I saw my family by my bedside with my mother holding my hand while sobbing. I wish I'd say I droped a tear when I saw the sadness I had inflicted upon their faces. But unfortunatelyl
ike a dreamthat was just a wish. I suddently wished it wasn't a Saturday but Monday so I could just take a bath and go to school. School were my life for those eight hours feel a crinche of happiness. Where I'd laugh my big ass out while making fun of other students with Lesedi. Where I'd be rude to someone and piss em off but after a sec we laughing and talking like nothing ever happened. School where I'd be trying so much to avoid Tlhogiewhere I'll make fun of Masego and her fake teacher. School where I'd have a fallout with my english Teacher and how he'd say in Sotho that I'm naughty. I even missed The principal and his scoldings. Right then I wished I was having those moments but unfortunately that wasn't happening. I was home. At my worst. Worst being soggy eyes and a heavy headache and yet another failed suicide attempt. Why can't God let me go? Its not like these people need me. I'm kinda the reason why they don't have peace. Even if I don't go to heaven. I was used to hell so even the furnace there would be better. I'd rather have my soul burning than live here. But deep down I hoped I don't die. I was scared of dying but not as much as I was scared of my mother. I was willing to overcome that slight fear so I could be free. Just free. I got up and went to brush my teeth. I peed and that's when I realised my periods were starting. I went to take a bath straight after. I dried and lotioned then wore my panty while putting on a pad. I wanted to spend the whole day in my room but that wasn't up to me. I wore a simple jean and baggy tee with my sleepers. The mood had changed today. See my mom's moods are like the weatherthey change left
right and centre. I took a bowl and dished myself some oats. It was around 10am. Phimi looked like she was going to meet someone. Probably her boyfriend. She was wearing a black highwaisted skinny jeana black croptop with a blazer and white chuck taylors. She had a black cap on. Mom asked where she was going and she said the library. I knew she was lying. It was there in her eyes. I didn't say anything. Not because I was scared to but because I wanted her(mom) to see the fruits she's planting in her precious daughter. I washed my bowl when I was done and the few others that were there. Beauty wasn't home. She didn't come home yesterday. She was probably at her boyfriend's place. That's something I'll never do. I'll never sleepover at a boy's place. Never. I watched The Rhythm City omnibus and others. I had missed them cause I was always locked up in my room during their time. I lived an unhealthy lifestyle. Maybe that's why I was this thin. I always stressed about things out of my control. I couldn't control what comes out of my mother's mouth. Funny thing iseveryone thought of her as this good christian woman but that's not who she was. I decided to log into WhatsApp. I had a few messages which I replied too.
It was March now. Things were back to square one with Tlhogie and I meaning we were just classmates. I didn't reply to his messages or even have a decent conversation with him. We only talked when its necessary. Sedi and I would make fun of him once in a while. He no longer meant a thing to me. That's how fast I got over my crushes. We once made fun of his dry elbows. It was actually Sedi who showed me. I turned and looked back and she was right. For a guy who's so full of himself that was so funny. I couldn't maintain my laughter. I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt and no words could come out of my mouth. Sedi found a way to help him with some Vaseline. Ao shame.
I chilled with Masego and her other friend Malebo who was from a class next to ours. She was repeating Grade 11. Yena her personality was more like mine so we got on like a house on fire. We even made fun of Sego one time. So we decided to prank some guys from Grade 10. They were new. We went to one and asked for his number which he wrote on a piece of paper we provided him with. We then went to duplicate the numbers into three papers which one was for each of us. I went to this yellowbone guy. Who looked easier to pry on. He was with some other ugly guy but that didn't seem to bother me. I was flirting with him in the presence of the ugly one. Nigger was blushing shame. I didn't even get his name I gave him the paper which he took without reluctance. I laughed as I left him there. If only he knew it was a prank. After school the same guy came to mewith the ugly one. He asked me why I gave him my numbers and I said so he could call me. The ugly one asked me why and I made him shut up for life.Poor guy really thought its my numbers. How bad.