FOURTY THREE

Nigeria what a place I did a lot of shopping while Tshepo was on his meetings


I had a driver to drive me anywhere I want and I decided to get out of the city and just go deep down to the villages just to tour Mpho was happy my son likes being on the road ey


You must never leave your woman with your card and tell her to do whatever she wants trust me she will do that and do it well


As much as I was enjoying shopping I missed Tshepo he did invite me in some of his meetings but due to my pregnancy I don't really like dressing up I'm in love with my maternity wear having to wear heels and all that that's one thing I hate doing right now

To think that I was the bomb in the boardroom and a killer in meetings being a parent can change your life really 


I am making a note to myself to go back into the game after this baby and I am going to be on cantraceptives from now on


I forgot to tell you guys that my mother told me to use my morning urine to wash my face I really hated it but ey it helped me a lot I can't drink anything herbal or medicinal I don't want any mistakes with my baby


We got back to the hotel around 7pm Mpho was already sleeping it was a long day I don't blame and as always I bought somethings mostly beadwork handmade hats and handbag I also got a dress I liked it was a Nigerian style with those big doeks yep I don't know how I'll be able to wear it like they do but I will try I have watched Nigerian movies and I liked how the royalties wore in those movies I also got Tshepo an outfit he will have to suck up and wear this I am not even going to beg him I didn't forget Mpho too I bought us the same design and color 


I got in and took off my shoes and wore my sleepers and went to eat my food 


Tshepo got in


"Hey my love" 


"Babe" 


He kissed me then went to put his bag down took a shower and joined me


"go take a bath so that we can have dinner"


"are you trying to tell me that I smell?"


"not at all my love but seeing the shopping bags I'm sure you are tired from all that shopping"


"I'll go bath"


I stood up to go and bath with my pregnancy it kind of hard to do most of the things I can't reach my feet now


I finished after 2 hours I got to the room and there was a romantic picnic kinda setup I really did take my time in the bathroom ey


He gave me my summer night dress and gown to wear the I joined him on pillows


"What a surprise"


"I feel bad for always being busy I know you would love to drag me around this place to see everything but I can't"


"it's okay I knew back when we were in south Africa that this not a holiday for you"


"I promise next time we are out of the country it will be a holiday"


"no problem but next time I wanna go to Mozambique"


"you like african countries like that"


"the beauty in Africa is beyond measure I am telling you"


"anything you want my queen I will provide"


"thank you baby"


My baby has been kicking today but now that I am eating ribs it's becoming worse I guess it's out favorite ey Tshepo was brushing my tummy gently

we had just finished eating dinner which was great


"I know I let Shantel get in between us before I am sorry Zama tried to get in between us I promise no one will ever come between us"


"it's okay babe I was crazy to even think that I can make friends with your ex or atleast be civil with her it never works out ey from now on I am staying away from your crazy exes"


"I dont know what happens to these girls they just become crazy all of a sudden they were never crazy back then"


"I'd be crazy for you too I'm already crazy"


We got in bed and he was rubbing my tummy which made me more sleepy and I couldn't fight sleep anymore so I slept


#SHANTEL


My therapist gave me a task of writing a letter to everyone I have hurt to tell them how I feel


The one I wanted to write today was directed to Pearl it's pretty hard to even dot down one word I don't even know where to begin how do you apologize to someone for hurting them depriving them a chance to raise their child she lost one year of her baby's life because of me her life became messed up  because of me


Its been 6 months living in this place I had to give in to talking and being treated and I had to accept my condition I don't know when I will be out but I am looking forward to starting my life all over again I was not myself back then but partially I was aware of what I was doing and I knew how to get away with it


I took the pen and paper to begin writing what I wanna say to pearl


'Hey Pearl..... I know I am the last person you wanna hear from you are probably not going to even read this letter'


That's all I managed to write for now I don't know how to compose a decent and a sincere apology this is fucked up


"You can keep the pen and paper so that you can write and take your time" my therapist said after seeing that I am struggling to do this


"how do I even say I'm sorry without sounding like I don't mean it?"


"there is no better way to right a sincere apology rather than when you are really sincere and if you really mean it it will be easy"


"I can't I remember how she cried as we took her babyhow she smiled when her baby cried but she didn't even get to touch him I took that moments away from her I took one year of her happiness what kind of a person am I? Huh?"


"I'm sure she does have her own mistakes that she has done in the past no one is a Saint"


"you don't know this woman doctor she is like a bill dozer she can make you sell or buy anything just by talking to you she is soo beautiful and the way Tshepo looked at her he really loved her she was everything I was not ambitious beautiful and smart the kind of woman he needs for his empire all I know is fashion weaves and nails I was never his type"


"you do have a degree in media right?"


"it will never be as good as a marketing degree trust me"


"stop doubting yourself"


"I'm not I'm just stating facts that's all"


"okay then our session has come to an end I hope you do write that letter and we can post it"


"thanks doctor I will try"

He left and I was back to being in my world of thoughts as silence engulfed this whole room


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