Getting home we are welcomes by the mail it's not even month end for bills I wonder what this is
I said to myself as I threw myself on the bed carefully though I don't want to kill my baby
I looked at the brown envelopes on the coffee table
"why do you keep looking at them as if they are bombs waiting to explode?"
"I don't know maybe it's because there is one for you and one for me"
"that does seem weird"
"then you wonder why I am looking at them this way anyways I am tired to even read or see whatever is in them I am just gonna go to bed
" I'm sure it's nothing important we will read them tomorrow but for now let's go to bed"
We head to bed truth is I really want to know what is inside ey
I keep praying hearing Lesego's voice saying everything will be okay but truth is I don't even believe it I just can't seem to come to terms with how life has turned out i was looking forward to walking out of this hospital with my child in my hands but right now I keep looking at him and he is connected to soo many machines and I can't even hold him
It hurts soo bad I don't know how many candles I've lit or how many times I've prayed for my son to get better but right now I'm hopeless
"we have to be strong for our boy"
I turn to look at him I swear if he says that again I'll strangle him here
" if you dare say that again I swear things won't end well"
"No Dee I took soo many insults when you were pregnant I understood because of the hormonesbut this is affecting the both of us that is my son in that glass I can't hold him and tell him how much I love him you don't see me biting your head off every chance I get I'm trying to be strong for you and our son by suppressing my feelings to let you cry your lungs out and right now I can't take it anymore"
I wanna scream I wanna shout but I'm afraid he is right I have been unfair to him
" I'm sorry babe it's just soo hard to see him here and to pump milk instead of breastfeeding him"
He holds me tight as my tears stream down I gave birth 3 days ago I had complications I became unconscious during the delivery and that deprived my baby off oxygen so he is now in machines doctors are hopeful and he is a bit underweight and I blame myself for everything had I not stressed about getting fat and just continued eating my child would be fine
That is why I am taking this hard I can't even look at Lesego on the eyes I feel he blames me for everything
"it is not you fault at all babe look there was nothing you could do to prevent all of this a lot of kids are born underweight"
"well mine is underweight because I deprived myself food because I didn't wanna be fat"
"it's fine now our son will be okay he is a fighter just like his sister and his mother don't lose hope my love"
We spent hours with him and then I went to my ward while he left
All I've been doing is cry myself to sleep immediately when he leaves
Ramatla wakwake kopa ofole ngwanna ka
Those are the last words I say every day
I know I'm the last person you wanna hear from and you probably wanna tear this little paper but I hope you don't first off I just wanna say I loved you but at some point my love became dangerous for you because of our accident I believe we were bonded together forever the lifestyle you gave me I didn't wanna let go of it
It even made me mad to see that someone has your heart after soo many years I knew you didn't love me anymore and now I realize that I was also no longer in love with you as a person but your life the life you gave me and losing it was not what I was prepared for
To see you start a family another woman give you what I can't and will never give any man for that matter so I took your son so that you will know how it is to lose someone or something soo dear to you I took the only thing I knew mattered to you at that moment yes I can blame it on my mental disorder but in some days I knew what I was doing and I didn't retaliate I'm sorry I never told you before about it I thought you'd drop me I'm sorry I almost killed your son and your wife I am better now and in a better place
I'm sure it's shocking to see me write this way it took a while to get here it took someone to push me and I can safely say now I am in love with someone not for what they have what they are and our past all the best in the future endeavors
Do I say much love or yours faithful? Lol anyways
I have been reading this letter I'm sure this is the 3rd time Pearl didn't read it immediately when she saw who it was from she didn't even want to know what was inside but she didn't tear it or throw it away I just think she hasn't really healed from everything and right now she is taking courage to read it and hear what the woman who has brought her soo much pain has to say
"I'm not gonna read that I hope she is not planning on taking the baby I am carrying too"
"I doubt she would repeat the same thing again I'm sure she has learnt her lesson"
"anyways i just can't read it I might give birth any time from now and I definitely don't want give birth because of what ever is written there"
"it's okay babe anyways you look sexy for 8 months"
Yeah she is 8 months pregnant and I can't wait to meet my baby I think it's a girl pearl wants a boy but I already have a boy I'm hoping for a baby girl but whatever God gives me I'll accept
Mpho is soo grown he can tell you when he is hungry and he can choose what he wants
Of someone told me that if be a father and a husband by now I would have laughed my ass out it just wasn't in my list of to do things or I thought it would be years to come before that
Maybe I was gonna get married but with Shantel I didn't expect to be a father I'm glad she has found someone at least we get our happy endings just like everyone wishes
"SALE PHAKATHI Ngena mama Ngena sisi Sale phakathi skinny jeans from R20 ladies dresses from R80 "
That is my daily job but on lucky days I get to be inside and pack clothes today the sun is out blazing and its hitting me straight on my face and head
As much as I hate this job but it's better than nothing R900 a week I use R300 as transport divide the rest for my needs but i am saving up hopefully I can go to Jozi anywhere but here I'm also hopeful about the job I applied for at shoprite
God works in mysterious ways and right now the one I'm grateful for is going home after such a long day
Just as I finish locking up with my boss Lebogang parks right in front of the shop I don't know what he wants now I've told him everyday that I don't want him
" let me give you a ride home"
"Lebo I have been saying this and I don't wanna say it again"
"then don't say it just let me take you home I can see how tired you are and the taxi rank is a bit far and walking there getting there standing on the line waiting for a taxi"
"okay fine fine but only this once Lebo"
"fine by me my lady"
Pheeewww Lebo is a lawyer he is from a well off family ey he has been asking me out for a while now we met while I was here at work and he was passing by I was too tired to scream like always do and my boss was on my ass
He gave me his water to drink and I drank it like I was in a desert about to die of dehydration
And he kept coming bringing me lunch trying to give me a lift home to be honest I miss him when he doesn't come around but someone always delivers my lunch when he is not available