I think I'm holding on because I am scared the last I gave birth I went home without a baby and right now that fear seems to be creeping in I know Shantel is locked up in a mental institution but hey that woman did a number on me there is a lot more like her which is why I am not happy about leaving my babies here

So today before visiting hours I am going to talk to Lesego to help me keep my babies safe if it means moving them I am okay with that I know you all wanna know why I am going to him instead of Tshepo when I suggested it to him he said it was unnecessary this guy forgets that he is a billionaire and if anyone wanted quick cash they would go through me and the babies to get to him

Lesego got in

" mama you good?" he said as he gave me a hug

" i am not good Lsg"

He gave me a shocked look

" I thought everything was getting better though"

"no no everything is getting better just that I'm scared for my babies the doctor said he is releasing me Bontle Karabo Tshepiso and Thapelo Keratosis will still stay behind im leaving with Tshepiso and Thapelo tomorrow Bontle and Karabo will follow after 3 day or 5 I am not happy at all I don't trust the nurses or the doctors"

"I get you we can move them though I have a house it has a basement that place is a hospital I have doctors and nurses there they will take care of them"

"I don't know because apparently moving them is risky they might die this is soo frustrating"

"Talk to your man don't underestimate him he is more powerful than I am in the underworld and in business"

"underworld? TSHEPO? Okay dude it's way pass April so don't fool me"

"my advice is for you to talk to him"

?? Talk to who about what??

That was Tshepo making his way in my ward

" Lesego big head why didn't you tell me you were coming to visit my wife?"

"well I didn't plan to but since I was close I thought why don't I just come see the mother of 5"

He said as the shoulder bumped if that's what it's called

" mother of my kids sponono Sami"

He's Zulu accent is pretty bad but cute

I swear I'm turning purple from all the blushing

Just then I felt his hands cupping my face pulling me closer to him his lips meeting mine doing all they are capable of doing his tongue in war with mine shifting twisting circling inside my mouth the kiss is not fast but slow and passionate full of love 

I miss my man ey

" couldn't you guys at least wait till I got out at least" I broke the kiss and just hid myself in his chest I was not sure if I trust my eyes to maintain eye contact they just felt some how after this kiss

" sorry man but I gotta show my woman some love you probably got some before you came here" 

"how I wish man but there is that 3 months waiting period after giving birth so now I sleep with Blue balls unless I use my hand" 

Eeeeuuuu too much info I don't know why when someone talks about sex or masturbating it just sounds soo gross and yet when we do it it's fun and enjoyable

" take care Pearl talk to him" he whispered the last part fist bump Tshepo then left 

My boys are peacefully sleeping therefore I can talk to him 

" so what is it that you have to talk to me about?" 

Suddenly I felt like the room was too hot imagine a hospital being got this place is always cold but for me right now I was expiriencing Limpopo temperatures

I wiped my forehead which was not even sweating my hands were sweating 

I breathed in and out and I decided to talk

" I am not happy about leaving my 3 babies here I don't want them to go missing" 

he gave me a look I didn't understand I couldn't read it

" oh okay we can move them then and take them somewhere safe have them guarded all day and night get doctors and nurses to take care of them" 

That was too easy for my liking and for some weird reason I am worried 

But I am not going to ask too many questions I don't want him to change his mind 

"I'll get the doctor to do all the paper work for them to be moved with you tomorrow is that cool?" 

"yes babe thank you" 

" but like I said yesterday it's not necessary but I am doing it to make you happy but not to risk anything I am going to move them to another hospital very private where your stay won't be like this I'll have people guarding you guys and special nurses attending to all of you how is that? "

" as long as my babies will be safe it's fine with me"

"I'll be right back then" 

I'm sure tall think I'm being paranoid but no I'm not I am just being protective I don't wanna sink back to the dark hole that Shantel once put me in I don't think k this time I'll get out 

I looked on my side table where there is usually my water bit there was this brown envelope again you have got to be kidding me Tshepo though he keeps on insisting I read it apparently it will bring me some closure

I looked at it for a while before I finally decided to open it and read it

"Dear Pearl

I know I am the last person you wanna hear from I know you hate me and you never wanna see my face ever again and probably you would want to kill me if we had to cross paths I don't blame you I'd kill me too of I were you 

Where do I begin to say I am sorry I know they might seem meaningless right now considering all I've put you through I can't imagine the tears you cried I can still see your face hear your voice all the times you begged me all the times you cried all the days you prayed I must say the months that I captured you were the worst of my life remembering all that now I still can't believe I did that to another woman

When I first saw you it was a picture on social media things were not good between me and Tshepo so I decided to go on a holiday spoil myself shop around buy the most expensive clothes after all I had a black card with me 

I saw the was he was looking at you in that picture his smile was soo genuine and full of love a smile I last saw when we were still at school before we lost our son that look scared the shit out of me I had to come back and get what's mine back he is the only man I've know all my life I believed that what he gave me how he treated me that is love at least that was my definition and I was scared that I was seeing a different one now

I hated that I wasn't normal for him that I had to drink pills to be sane so I decided to stop because I didn't really see the difference it was making let's fast forward to you being pregnant that triggered something in me I have always blamed myself for the night we lost our son and to know I'll never have children of my own hurt soo bad and there you were giving him what I could never give him not even in a million years I acted out of anger I was full of envy I wanted to avenge myself but I directed all that to the wrong person i should've seal with my issues because Tshepo did suggest I see a therapist but I couldn't I am really sorry I put you through what I put you through I almost killed your son and you I am sorry 

I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I hope you do forgive me for you to move on and forgive yourself because that night you gave birth you didn't fail as a woman but I was the devil that took your child I hope you look at yourself now and see what a great woman you are I was never the best partner for Tshepo maybe when he was an actor appearing on magazines for movies advertising clothes and everything yes I was his but to the life he has now I don't really fit in anywhere and you fit perfectly hold his hand through it all support him be the woman I never was and I doubt will ever be

Here I am giving advice to the strong woman I know I wish you and Tshepo all the best in your future 

I am really sorry again"

I felt hands touching my face and from their warmth I knew it was Tshepo 

It's only now that I realize I really needed her to say she is sorry I know I am only reading it but to me it felt like she is saying it like I am seeing her

" it's gonna be alright we will fine"

It's like he was opening the tears even more

After some minutes I was finally calm he gave me water to drink

" now you can tear it and throw it away"

"I don't think I want to throw it away I am gonna keep this for Mpho so that when he reads about our lives online we can be able to answer him"

"it's up to you babe anyways the doctor has cleared you and our babies we will be moving tonight I don't want anyone knowing the other nurses might tweet about it I can't risk that"

As long as we move I don't care what time we move


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