Khanyo: so are you ready for our last exams in grade 11?

Me: I don’t know yazi I can’t believe next year I am going to be in grade 12 it all seems unreal 

Khanyo:I can’t wait because I am tired of wearing a school uniform and doing homework I wanna do assignments manje

Me: don’t rushtime will come for that

Khanyo: okay dude who are you and what did you do to my friend?

Me: I’m here but I just decided to stop rushing for things andd just be happy where I am 

Khanyo: are you happy with selling that for K.g? Last week Friday you were on about how you wish this could end

Me: yeah I know but just because I want it to end it doesn’t mean it will end 

Khanyo: you are really weird today

Me: I knowcone let’s go make money boo

Khanyo: yeah because you’re talking shit sounding like a pastor 

Trust Khanyo for talking like she doesn’t go to church 

We sold the stash at break timeI no longer go around to sell to peoplethey come to me now to buy this 

So far I have saved up R500 so I am hoping that I can save more with Mama’s help we can fix our shack 

Khanyo: There is a braai at home this weekend and I am inviting you and your mom 

Me: you know how fancy your home is and my mom doesn’t like that 

Khanyo: my mom misses you guys and if you guys don’t want we will bring the braai to your home

Me: I’ll tell mom about but for now let’s go to class to attend our last class 

School is not that hectic during October and we attend some classes because most teachers are busy preparing Grade 12s for their finals 

Life for us stops matriculants are very important eythey represent the whole school to the communitythe higher the pass rate the more likely for people to trust the school 

Mom: you should stop throwing yourself like thatone the good days you are going to break my bed

My mom says immediately after I have set downwalking to school everyday is not a joke and in the afternoons it even worse with the sun blazing or when it’s dusty or raining 

Me: I get tires of people always asking if I’m colored

Mom:but you are mostyour father is white and I am Xhosa

Me:I don’t have a father and I speak Xhosa so I am 

Mom: but your eyes are differentyour hair is not very African which is why you always cut it 

Me: fine poi t taken maanyways Khanyo invited us for a BBQ at her place 

Mom: baby you know I don’t like going to the suburbsthey make me feel out of place 

Me: I know ma but her mom insisted we come 

Mom: fine we will go 

The life of crime slowly swallowed me and I didn’t realize how deep I had sank because I was happy with everything and how things were going

One upon a time I was just a poor smelly kid at school but now everyone important at school knew me

By important I mean the naughty boys knew me and the cute ones did too I was the first stop for everyone in the morning at break and after school 

From a small stash it increased since it was high in demand now

When I got to grade 12 I was already selling even at Kasi I have my special corners where I just sit and you wouldn’t even notice what is going on 

K.g was happy with the money I was bringing him my mother has been scolding me about this but I didn’t care I was just happy to actually afford to buy my own toiletries and school uniform 

As much as this was good money I didn’t let it get in the way of my school work 

K.g: manje how is the security at your pastor’s place?

That’s another thing I do gardening for our pastor and he pays me R250 a day too much if you ask me but he insisted on paying me that and that’s the only time mom would accept money from me provided I give it to her immediately when I arrive at home

We finally fixed our shackat least now it not leaking anymore and I have my own bedroom and a bed 

Me: why?

K.g: why are you asking the obvious question? Me and my boys are going to hit his house and you are going to give me all the info I need 

Me: Bra k I can’t do that

Him: can’t? Or you won’t?

Me: I can’t he is a man of God and you can’t hit where I work

Him: okay then maybe his neighbors 

Me: how will I know their security?

Him: well I don’t know but you will make a plan wena Einstein or else we are hitting your pastor’s house and that’s final

now give me my money and voetsek hie

This is the part of this life I didn’t want to be a part of I just wanted to make money by selling the weed at least it’s not harmful but having to rob people or do house break-ins I don’t think I can do that 

And it will be suspicious that I start working in that neighborhood and they become robbed and on the other side I stopped going to church and those weird dreams I had have stopped 

To say I am happy would be an understatement the things I was starting to see were going to make me crazy I would look at a person and see their heart bleeding 

Sometimes I would see writings like verses on the wallmy hand or even a cup and I would blink and they would be gone 

So I decided to stop going to church because every time I would feel drained 

Mom: I pray one day you find your way back to the son I knew because what you have turned to now is not the son I gave birth to

Me: not this again ma it’s not like I have stopped school I still go to school and I just sell the weed I don’t smoke it

Mom: and you have stopped going to church 

Me: I told you the reasons for that already can I sleep now ma? I have an early class tomorrow 

She just nodded 

I’m glad I am about to start with my trial exams 

Me and Khanyo well we are still friends but our friendship got weird or became awkward for both of us due to us trying to make a relationship out of ittruth is I’m glad we are still talking because I wouldn’t want to make friends with people who are noticing me only now that I can manage to look good 

Khanyo is my day one nigga 

Khanyo: hey can we talk?

Me: sure let me just sell to these guys and I’ll be with you shortly 

I have been busted a few times and I would take money from what I have saved to give to K.g as the money I made on that day and he would pay me whatever he feels like paying me

He made it clear to me that me being caught is not his problem he just wants his money I remember some guys robbed me I told him about it and he didn’t pay me for a week but since then I have never been robbed I know he had a hand in that because I told him who those guys were and I never got any hussles with them 

And at school I’m mostly caught when I have sold over a half of the stash 

That’s how my mother found out when the principal called hermy teachers at school were really disappointed but I told them I have to do what I can to make ends meet even some of the teachers used to talk about how smelly my armpits were 

Me: so what did you want us to talk about?

I said getting back to Khanyo who was now seating at our favorite spot

She looked nervousyes I know how she is when she is nervousshe plays with her headscan not look at me and keep rubbing her hands togetherhe breathing hitches 

Me: K what’s wrong?

Khanyo: I can’t do this friendship anymore Z

Me: I know it has been awkward for us ever since that kiss but I thought we fixed itmoved past it and decided to just stay as friends

Khanyo: that’s the thing it’s easy for you but it’s not for me do you know that everyday I battle with suppressing my feels for you? I have to live with you seeing me as nothing more but a friend 

There is no on and off button that you can press to kill feelings 

I smashed my lips on hersI could tell she didn’t expect me to do that because she took time to respond but eventually she did 

Me: it’s been hard for me to pretend that the kiss meant nothing to me I have always like you Khanyo but I always felt I was not good enough for you I would love nothing than for you to be my girlfriend 

Khanyo: are you serious Z?

Me: as a heart attack

She let out a heavy sigh and I laughed at her 

Truth is I like Khanyo but after our kiss last time she walked away so fast so u thought I didn’t do it for her or my breath was stinking so to save myself from disappointment I just said it’s better we forget it ever happened 

But if she also didn’t just agree with that and told me straight up that she wanted this as much as I did

He I was beating myself up for making that move on her kanti she wanted it too 

We chilled till it was time for class again that’s how our life together started how she became Tangled in my life

We have been revising maths and sciences 

Teachers are doing all their best to equip us with enough information to bring a high pass rate than the previous year bit that they did badthey passed very well a lot of distinctions which has put us under a lot of pressure 


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