When my mother used to say the choices we make today will determine our future in my mind that theory didn’t work

I believed in people choosing to stay and not be forced to because of choices but  a year later after matric I was still not at varsity because I didn’t have time to apply at Universities I focused on making moneysaving it keeping Khanyo happy and my balancing my school 

I passed very well a distinction in maths and sciences (physics and life sciences) and so did Khanyo she even got a distinction in English 

She is currently studying her second year in psychology and I am  now registering for degree in mechanical engineering 

I realized after matric that I was in too deep in the life of crime when robbing people was just a norm to me I was not even bothered if it’s pastor’s house or a police officer I did what I had to do learnt to use a gun 

I remember when my mom found it under my mattress she cried like I was dead

She said “you might as well be dead to me if this is the man you have turned to” that hurt me big time but it still didn’t stop me 

I couldn’t get any bursary so I decided to save the money that I ear d on our jobs to pay for my studies

I used to be scared of Khanyo leaving me for a better guy at varsity but as it has turned out that hasn’t happened and as much as being a gangster brings in quick cash and a lot of it but she told me how important it is to have a qualification her words were “ when you reach 30 are still gonna be a gangsterwill you still be able to go on missions? You need something to fall back on when the going gets tough”

That’s why I am not registering to study mechanical engineering 

How I chose that path is weird because I actually would love to design a car that will be very secure so as to the protect it from people like me and also the love K.g has for cars inspired me how he would just look at a car and tell you it’s features and all of that 

His knowledge is what makes it easy for us to be able to hijack cars he taught me how to remove a tracker how to open a car without breaking the window or pointing a gun at someone just jamming the locks is enough and immediately remove the tracker at the same spot so as to not give police a direction of where to search 

Y’all heard me right all in a year I managed to move up the high tanks in the gang I am the youngest but the best at this

At first I wanted to go into I.T but hacking is not my thing so I withdrew from that choice and besides I love the adrenaline rush I get when being chased by cops or when fighting with other gangsters 

What’s also new is that Karabo y’all remember him right? He is also part of the gang he just joined though after struggling to make life work the legit way 

Truth is the system is not for all of us some of us just have to make it through the backdoor 

And on the other news I have a daughter she is 5 months old well me and Khanyo played careless during our finals in grade 12 and our daughter came into the not so perfect picture 

Her existence broke Khanyo's relationship with her parents but after I had paid damages for her my mother took her so she stays with my motherit’s not ideal environment but it’s my home I named her Qhamisa which in simply words means blossom 

She is one of the reasons why I am going back to school besides my mother I am going to school so that she can accept a house from me because now she wants nothing to do with the money I have because of how I make it

Khanyo: I miss my baby girl please video call me when you get homeI wanna see her face 

Me: you can always come and visit this weekend

Khanyo: I will but I miss her now I can’t wait till then 

Me:okay then I’ll call you later sharp 

Khanyo: bye babe I love you 

Me: love you more 

I don’t know if it’s the jealousy in me that is making me see things but Khanyo has changed a bit our relationship is not the same anymore


Immediately after dropping the call I sink down and cry I hate having these stolen moments with Zack

And it’s all because of my family when I fell pregnant in grade 12 it was like I was going to wake up to someone saying 'the joke is on you’re but nope that wasn’t the case I had given my purity to the man I love and I didn’t regret it one bit we did try using a condom but it hurt so much since I was very tight so we slept without it and I bought the pill but I guess his soldiers were too strong because even that didn’t work and that’s how Qhamisa was formed my beautiful angel

my beautiful angel she looks so much like her father and nothing like me not that I am complaining because she is very beautiful you just can’t get enough of her face 

My family seemed to have accepted my pregnancy when Zack came to pay the damages but nope they didn’t because after birth the directly told me that I have to give Zack the baby and go back to school 

I did as I was told and Zack’s mother didn’t mind she loves Qhamisa but taking that order is what has put me in this position I am in now 

My family dictates my life my father has proof of Zack’s crimes and my brother is friends with all the high people in the law one mistake and he will be arrested which is why I have been pushing Zack to make clean start at life but he is in too deep now in the gangster life so much that he can’t just up and leave but I’m happy that he has registered for a formal qualification 

My family uses the evidence against meit was either I break things up with Zack or he goes to jail 

Of course as you all know I didn’t do that but they think I did and whenever I spend time with Zack it’s stolen moments which he doesn’t know about 

How do I tell him that my family wants nothing to do with him? They want me to actually be with the man of their choice 

No one understands how deep our love goes I loved that man when he was the laughing stock around school I saw beyond his poverty I saw the good heart he has even though it has been diluted now

I don’t encourage the life he lives but it is taking care of my baby and through it he can pay for his studies now which was a struggle for him before 

He usually says “some of us just have to make it through the back door”

Him: are we going to order and get through with this dinner without you asking to make a call again?

I look at him I forgot that I had company that I am actually on a date 

Me: you can order whatever you want it’s on me but I am not spending another minute with you

Him: we will just have to hear what your father has to say about that 

Me: Geez Nkosikhona why can’t you make me fall in love with you and not threaten me to just do things the old fashion way it’s enough that my family is forcing me on you but for you to force me to like youits even worse 

Him: I have tried all possible options I send you flowers you just throw them away I buy you lunch you tell you’ve already eaten or you don’t like what I’ve bought you it’s been over a year of me trying to make you fall for me and forget about your gangster baby daddy but you’ve closed all the doors to your heart shutting me out 

I looked at him for a while and the sadness in his face couldn’t be missed 

Him: you shouldn’t have came here you should’ve just told me you don’t want and I would’ve lied to my father and said we did have dinner you must be thinking that I am a weak guy who can’t get a woman by himself but no it’s not I had a woman that I loved but what did my father and your father do to her? They threatened her and her family and that’s how I became single and I just decided to do as I’m being told Enjoy dinner I’ll be sure to let your father and mine know I had the best time with you and I am going to be grateful to them for pushing me to be with you 

After that he left I am angry that I being kept away from the man I love to even care about his feelings 

My phone beeped 

“And why is he leaving without having dinner?”

You have got to be kidding me I can’t believe my father he had us watched 

I stood up and followed Khona 

He was on the phone 

Him: did you really have to send people to watch us have dinner? Dad just let me do things the way I want to yes I like Khanyo but she will not fall in love with me if you guys keep going about things this way 


Him: come have dinner with her the if that’s the only important thing about her

I didn’t even stay long since it seemed as though he was fighting with his father I got in my car and drove back to my apartment 


Login to comment To share your opinion