I guess everyone at some point feels like an outcast or as if they are not good enough and such thoughts tend to cling onto you the most especially if you're still a teenager. It's a stage I used to crave the most when I was still a kid but the excitement and optimism I once carried around like my favorite toy has seem to have been broken and remains unfixed and now there's puberty there's pimples there's periods and there's high school and these insecurities are now my new favorite toy and it's a toy I hide so easily from the world. Deep down my hard interior and sarcastic remarks resides a very damaged and lonely child that has a low self worth and tries everyday to look in the mirror and finally feel the self-acceptance that all the narcissists of the world feel everytime they see their own reflection but I never do no matter how hard I try to love myself.
"So what were you and Mlu taking about this time around?" Asks Brenda as we walk to our English class.
"A lot of stuff but also not a lot of stuff at the same time." I say thinking about the shaky relationship I had with my father and wondering if he's the reason why I feel so different and unwanted. "He's sure really interested in you shame." She says as we walk inside the class and go to our desks.
"He's merely interested in the idea of me that's why relationships don't last long. People just always want to the version of you that exists in their own head but that version doesn't exist. It's just an assumption a prediction and a fantasy."
"You're so melancholic and dramatic at times. It's not that deep." She says taking a sip of her orange juice while the chatter from our class room flows in the entire room and I'm already hoping the new English teacher finally comes in so they'd be order and silence.
"Who Bandile? I saw him the moment we walked in and my stomach instantly had butterflies."
"Then you should tell him how you feel or drop hints because butterflies aren't a good thing. They have pretty privilege and it's so annoying!"
"What the hell are you on about this time around?"
"Butterflies! Have you ever seen one up close? They are actually scary looking and not to mention the only reason why people love them is just because of their colorful wings since nobody fucks with them when they are still Caterpillars."
"I guess that's true but they are so peaceful as well."
"Yeah but did you know that butterflies eat dead skin cells? So when it sits on you it's not a good thing. It's just there to eat you up." I say in a spooky voice.
"Euw really? Suddenly my skin is crawling." She says slighty shaking.
The principal then enters the class and the entire classroom turns silent as the English teacher follows from behind. The principal then proceeds to put his documents down and he says absolutely nothing at all and I can feel the fear rising up because not even one student dares to utter a single word or even a cought.
"Good afternoon students."
"Afternoon sir ." We respond back in sync.
"So you all know we had told you that you'll be having a new English teacher in the upcoming days. So this is Mr Ndlovu and he'll be your new English teacher."
"Hi everyone." He greets us wearing his black and white suit with his hands on his back as a slight chill goes straight to my spine.