the words that she shared with me sting like a bitch... how do you tell someone
that you're going to be parents together and then they tell you that they still
don't want to be with you.
I've tried so damn hard to prove to Uluthando that I love her and that she is in the centre of my world she refuses to see that my words are genuine. My actions might have failed me at some point but I've improved and I'm trying to be a better man for her.
I'm not sure who I'm actually trying to fool at this point myself or both these women.
get home and I kiss my kids goodnight. "Dad you don't seem okay what's
wrong?" Mtho looks at me with sleepy eyes. "Dad is just a bit tired
it's been a long night." I explain to him. "How was your night
daddy?" I just shrug and I sit properly on the bed. "One of the best
days of my life boy I received but also the saddest day I was forced to do
something that hurt me." I'm venting to my 5 year old son.
"It's okay to be okay daddy...I love you." He mumbles he is clearly tired. I give him one more goodbye kiss and I leave him and I check on his older brother.
He is fast asleep.
I give him a goodnight as well and I go into my bedroom.
Philsiwe is wide awake and watching a sermon on her tablet. She pauses it and focuses on me when I enter the room.
"Hey babe how did the awards go?" I shrug and I enter the bathroom I wash my face and I change my clothes. I join my wife in our bed and I give her a kiss on her forehead. "The awards went fine nisale njani?" She cuddles up on me and I hold her against my chest.
"Well Bheki I miss you." Her tone is barely audible what do I say in return? I have been such a bad husband to her she has loved me and in return I broke her heart.
"I'm here now." I reassure her.
have big news to deliver to her and I don't know how I'll share this with her.
Tonight when I was speaking to Ulu she made me realise something the thought
of being without Philisiwe hits like a bitch I cannot begin to imagine my life
without her I've been acting like I don't care but this woman has been nothing
but kind to me. She has respected me as her husband she there for me when
times were tough as I wasn't this moneyed when I as acting out and my parents
refused to fun anything that had my name on it; I love her for that but I also
love Na'Ndlovu she has perspective on love I can't sleep all night I'm
always thinking her the way her smile lights up the room the joy I get from
cuddling up and simply talking it is absolutely overwhelming.
"Are you fine baba?" I thought she was asleep. "I'm fine Philly. Goodnight." I close my eyes and I dose off.
is not next to me I wake up and I do the bed after finishing up with that I
go straight to the bathroom so I can shower and start my day.
I finish with my hygiene process and I go downstairs to greet my boys before they leave for school.
"Bo Zwane." I greet them and Mtho attacks me with a hug. "Good morning mfana baba." I give him a kiss and we sit around the breakfast table.
See I'm a Zulu man and we are known for being stern and hard-core growing up my father never showed us affection as his sons only our sister and when we got married he also treated our wives like his little princesses in his presence our mom sister and our wives don't even lift a finger and that is beautiful honestly we have grown and we see how we should treat our wives and daughters but what about our sons I told myself that my sons deserve better they deserve to have a father that tells them they are loved and shows them. I treat them like kings so they know the type of treatment they deserve. Many men have judged me on how I baby my sons but I will continue to show them affection.
you're late today. We have to go oom is waiting for us." Nhla says and I
already know that those are his last words for day; Uluthando and Ms. Yiba
weren't lying when they said that all this pressure will just push him away we
should've listened he has sunk into this shell and now he keeps his distance
because he thinks whenever he is with us he is expected to speak.
"I love you bye guys." Philly hugs them tightly and I do the same. I give them some snack money and they leave the house. Philly and I eat our breakfast in silence.
we finish we fix up the table and we pack the dishes in the sink. We have an
expensive dishwasher but she refuses to use it
we please talk?" I pull her to the side and we sit beside each other.
"I don't think that there is a way that I can easily deliver these news to
you." She bows her head as if she already knows. "Speak." She
orders. "Na'Ndlovu is pregnant I'm sorry." I'm sorry yet I'm not.
"I know." My eyes pop out and I look at her with shock. "What do
you mean you know how do you know?" I question her and I want answers
now. "I'm a woman and I'm a grown woman Bheki you forget that I'm older
than you and I'm older than that girl so I know such things. Did she tell you
that the first time I saw her I already knew I even told her that you're
pregnant and she thought I was insane. Well here we are now she has already
told you." What the fuck I can absolutely not believe this how did she
Yes Philly is older than me but you can never tell me she looks very young and fresh and she also respects me as her husband she never reminds me that I'm a child. I didn't want to marry a woman that is older than me but I mean here we are and she is more than perfect for me. Our age gap isn't even that big only 4 years she is 39 and I'm 35.
"So when are we introducing her to the family?" I don't even answer that question.
kneel down before her and I hold her hands into mine.
"Philsiwe I don't know where to begin I have hurt you tremendously I haven't properly apologised to you for what I've done I've been so selfish and so neglectful and I'm so so sorry. I haven't treated you the way that you deserve I cheated and I broke the rules of our relationship we made vows and I failed to live up to those vows. I have been so selfish and I haven't even taken the time to check in with you and it was only yesterday that I realised all of this." She wipes the tears from her eyes. "You love her Mbuso I wish I could hate you or throw you out beat her to death but I cannot she has such a beautiful soul and that day when she realised what we are when she realised that I was your wife her pain and disgust for you was overboard and I felt it back the pain she felt made it reflected my own I never thought that you my own husband of 13 years would ever hurt me in such a manner." She looks so sad and this is the first time she admitted her true feelings and her honest pain she is definitely not okay.
failed to be a man I don't even want to lie you acted like a coward. That
child needs to be with his or her siblings but it needs to be done the proper
way." I look at her with confusion.
"Proper way?" She looks very upset with me. "You don't have a plan Bhekumbuso." She rolls her eyes.
my heart I feel like I need to marry her I do love her but I also love
you." She looks down and she nods. "You know when you did that you
did I was so hurt felt as though I am not woman enough. You haven't touched
me since you've been with her you've lost your sexual desire for me. How will
you handle satisfying the both of us?" Her words make me choke and I cough
loudly. "Nyambose allow me to try to prove that I can handle loving you
both and I will treat you equally the way that you deserve. Ngiyakuthanda
mina." I kiss her hands and she gives me a kiss on my mouth. "What
does she have to say about this?" Philly has been thinking about having
this talk she has questions prepared.
"She said no she said she has hurt you enough and she refuses to keep hurting you and hurting herself." She looks shocked Uluthando has such a genuine heart her soul is absolutely beautiful.
"I'll go and talk to her hopefully she does want to talk to me I will give her a proper woman to woman talk." She instantly fight with that idea. "No I'll be the one to persuade her." I stand my ground but it seems like she just is not having it. "I'll talk to her baba. You have to figure out how you will go about this entire thing." She stands up and she walks away from me.
"If you promise to do
things right and treat us the way we deserve then I give you my blessing."
Her smile is genuine my heart jumps for joy now I pray that Na'Ndlovu also
agrees I can fully be happy with my family.
"I promise I will do things right Mama'Nhlanzeka." I soften her up and she blushes.
I have such a long way to go but it's the little wins that matter the most